I am fully aware that my blogging is almost non-existant and that therefore, no one will read this, but it's Eurovision; if I didn't talk about it, it would be a sin. Well... I'm not quite sure it's in the bible, but I'm sure in God's most recent list, it's in the top 10.
I would go through all the countries one by one, but that would be so freakin' tedious and to be perfectly honest, I have very little to say about most of them. My favourite part of Eurovision is always, without fail, the backing dancers/singers/performers. Could they big up their roles any more? I mean, I have never in my life seen smiles that forced, such painful enthusiasm and such a severe desperation for fame and success. Tragic. So, so tragic.
But hear is my main question: If Duncan James is in Dusseldorf "performing" at Eurovision, which other fame-hungry legend/icon/nobody will read out our results?
Let us begin...
Finland. Now, who THE FUCK was Peter? Who is he? What does he have to do with 'saving the planet'? Why should I care about him sitting in a yard full of apple trees waiting for an apple to fall?! I'm trying to determine whether it was some sort of reference to Issac Newton and the theory of gravity, or if the songwriter (who I believe to be the performer, who I thought was Peter but is apparently not) is just abysmal at the English language and thought it was some sort of well used analogy. I'm thinking Peter is just an idiot.
Dear Bosnia,
Crazy old men are not going to win you Eurovision.
Love Alice. x
Bless. It actually made me quite sad. He wrote their first ever national anthem... It must have been fucking terrible. He couldn't sing... I mean, the man couldn't sing! Or do math. "One hundred plus two equals something that isn't one-hundred and two..." In his jacket that was 15 years old... I'm genuinely fighting back the sobs.
The woman from Lithuania was most definitely signing 'Fuck you all, we're going to win because I heart the deaf!' whilst singing whatever terrible love song she was singing. I'd love it if she'd just learnt it for the performance and her teacher had actually taught her 'I like shaving the skin off dogs and suffocating cats for fun' or something. That would have been brilliant. If only I was deaf...
Oh, Jedward. They weren't even bad. By their standards... I guess Europe don't know them well enough for the novelty to have worn so thin it makes you wish you were dead. Something about lipstick and kick starting something, blah, blah, blah... If only they could have performed Ghostbusters or Oops I Did It Again - something where they can stop half way through the song and have a conversation that involves a lot of "Oh my God, Edward!" "Oh my God, John!" The more I heard it the more it grew on me. But let's be honest, Jedward are terrible. One of them looked like he was having a fit, the other looked like he'd forgotten where he was, they were both jumping around like they'd eaten too many blue Smarties. But they weren't bad. By their standards...
Oh my God, Greece were my fave. It was almost Daz Sampson-esq. Do we remember Daz Sampson? What am I saying, of course we do. It was some sort of Daz Sampson-Vanilla Ice-Marky Mark crossover but without any of the attraction Marky Mark would bring to that hybrid. Mix all that talent with a big fat dose of classical pop and you, my friend, have got one hit record. Did I say hit? Sorry, I meant shit...
AS IF RED ONE PRODUCED RUSSIA'S SONG! He needs to be forbidden from making music ever, ever again. I hope Lady Gaga eats him in one of her hideous publicity stunts.
Oh, Blue! Oh, Duncan, Lee, Antony and Simon! Oh, Blue! In the old days you were so good! HAS EVERYONE FORGOTTEN THEY COLLABORATED WITH STEVIE WONDER AND ELTON JOHN!? HELLO! THERE'S TALENT THERE! Here's what should have happened - they should have gotten rid of Antony. Let's be realistic, he never did anything. They should have made Simon wear less clothes (the man's an idiot but his torso was a point scorer). Lee should have done more singing. Duncan should have played it gay. But here's the winner: they should have performed a medley of hits. Start it with a bit of All Rise, glide into a bit of Too Close, kill it with a bit of U Make Me Wanna and end it with a euro-tastic rendition of One Love. I'm telling you, they would have NAILED it. Oh, and those Blue suits were doing no one any favours...
Azerbaijan is a country I only learned today is European. I'm still not convinced it is. But I enjoyed their duet. At least I would have done if I was deaf. It was like Christina and Ricky Martin all over again, but with matching ill fitting outfits and song that wasn't nearly as iconic. Hmmm...
Slovenia decided to rock the Bieber fingerless gloves. She was alright. She was no Anzej Dezan...
I'm actually shocked that Serbia didn't do as well. I thought they'd win. It was well catchy. Not that I remember it now... Ah, I've found the flaw in my argument. Never mind.
I have a feeling that I have shifted tense during this post. If I have, this is because I'm writing this as the results are announced. Azerbaijan have just won and I'm still trying to think of a better likeness than Christina and Ricky Martin... I'm actually starting to like this song... Kill me. Despite the fact that it is being sung completely out of tune. Terrible. I'm running I'm scared tonight... KILL ME.
And Alex Jones? She was who we got to read out the results? Not even Konnie Huq or someone else equally as tragic and unemployed? OK. I hope Duncan's back next year.
Poor Blue. It really is tragic. But they did well! To say they were royally shit. We got actual points! I think that's the first time in about a gazillion years we actually got points. Not as many as Jedward... That must be a blow. Freakin' Jedward got more points... Oh, Blue. I'm going to sing 'If You Come Back' repeatedly in their honour. I might wear Blue for a week. Or I might just forget the whole thing ever happened and go back to my normal life.
Yeah, I'll go back to my normal life thanks... THANK YOU EUROPE! YOU WERE WONDERFUL! GOODNIGHT!
