X Factor Blog

Whilst I am aware that this is rapidly deteriorating into some sort of pathetic X Factor blog, until it ends, and they put something else decent on the television, I feel there is no end in sight for my hideously uninteresting ramblings about everyone's favourite reality show. Slash, I just want to turn my attention to the real X Factor blog...

xfactorblog.co.uk is quite possibly the least reliable website in the history of the internet. I'm more likely to trust spam email from the King of Nigeria than I am to trust the X Factor blog. It is always wrong. ALWAYS. And whilst I understand that there will be numerous sources involved in getting track information midweek and that acts always switch songs at the last minute, I hate, no, I abhor the fact that it gets my hopes up every week, only to send me into a never ending spiral of despair, ruining the overall X Factor experience.

First it told me that One Direction would be singing Justin Bieber. Now, I should have known it was going to be too good to be true, but still, when an idea that genius is put into your head, it's hard to shake, slash, my logic was that it was about bloody time. But of course, when they came out and sand Pink, I almost threw myself out my window. For one, that's not even a guilty pleasure, just a boring song. But the worst thing that X Factor blog have ever done to me happened yesterday...

I got in from having dinner with a friend to a stampede of flatmates running towards me filled with excitement. "I have the best news ever," my friend said. "Justin Bieber?" I enquired. "Better," she replied. What could be better than Bieber, I thought. "One Direction are going to sing The Killers on rock week!" OH. MY. GOD! I was hysterical. To the point of jumping up and down, whilst screaming. Of course, there was arm flapping, spinning, a general loss of control of my body, the norm. And so, for 24 hours, I managed to build and build my hopes of Justin Bieber Boyband singing Somebody Told Me, to the point where I was giggling secretly to myself in delight. Of course, when I checked X Factor blog today, I was sadly informed that they were not in fact singing The Killers, but Bryan Adams. Hmmmm... Now, I love Summer of '69, and they nailed it. Obviously. But, honestly, I was beside myself with disappointment. Just despairing of all that is good in the world. Slash, whilst they were good, I'm going to throw it out there and suggest they weren't as good as usual.        

Of course, I still love them. And even though in the second song, only 3 of them sang, they were amazing. And when Simon was all like, "Oh, I'm so proud of you. Especially you Zain 'I'm too cool to dance' Malik, because I remember how embarrassed you were at boot camp and now look at you! And Harry 'from Cheshire' Styles, you chose the song and aren't you all great!" Could their faces have been any cuter from sheer joy?! Well, they're all Biebers, so of course they're cute. Slash, when Asian Bieber was all like, "I just love it so much and to come out here every week with my 5 best friends is just the best," I realised, that whilst he is so painfully beautiful it is actually ludicrous, he's only about 6 and probably didn't even finish learning how to count before being thrust into the lime light. Bless.

Erm... Katie was abysmal. ABYSMAL! I mean, the whole evening was a travesty. Cheryl, for once in her post-Ashley life, actually looked normal, but was she high or something? I mean, she was one step away from jazz hands. "My cute tootey, Cher!" What?! They are the actual words you are choosing to say? Seriously? Sure you don't want to think about it, before you not only embarrass your act, but yourself as well? Cher was awful. Avril Lavigne does not count as rock, and her little Lil Mama rap was not English. I swear she was just saying random words. "B, R, O, O, M...." Riiiiiiggggghhtttt... Didn't realise the song was about sweeping, but whatever.

Matt nailed the second song, Rebecca was quite boring in both, but better than last week, Big Fat Mary needs to go. You know what they should have done? They should have just made it U2 week, most of them sang their songs anyway. Oh, Christ! When Louis was going on about how proud Bono would be of them all. Jesus. I'm pretty sure Bono is drawing up a contract right now to ensure that his songs can never ever be used  on the X Factor ever again. Just awful.

I'm going to suggest that whilst Thom Yorke would not think it was a great performance, no matter what Louis says, that it was actually Wagner's best attempt to date. I actually loved that Louis got the words completely wrong and was like, "It's winner, Simon, it says winner in the song." Erm... Pretty sure that's 'weirdo' Louis, but whatever you like to tell yourself to attempt to corner the guilt for putting Wagner into your final 4 when poor little Aiden Grimshaw gets sent home. Bastard.

Konnie Huq is still awful. Dermot is a hero. N Dubz are the biggest cringefest ever. Danny Dyer is the biggest knob ever, but hilarious. And he loves One Direction so that's fine. He gave his daughter his own name, so I'm not entirely certain as to how sound his judgement is. James Corden loves One Direction. Ron freakin Weasley loves One Direction. And that is all I learnt from this instalment of the Xtra Factor.

I don't think I could be more excited about Justin Bieber being on the results show tomorrow. The word on the grapevine is that he's either singing U Smile or Baby. I'm personally routing for a nice little medley a la the VMAs, the performance that sees us in the position we stand today. Good news is, it's probably quite reliable information, I didn't get it from the X Factor blog...

Holy Boyband, Bieber!

If One Direction don't win, we can say goodbye to the world as we know it.

"Farewell world! You have served us well, but now it is time for the aliens to have their turn as we all bow down to them and work tirelessly as their slaves. Thank you British Public for ruining everyone's lives. I'm actually really glad Wagner won."

Not going to happen.

After discussing at great length the implications of missing X Factor due to his concert, Brandon Flowers assured me that there was no other choice but to proceed as planned. I was hardly going to argue with someone with that face, and so I decided to suck it up and rely on the good old Sky+. The best, and worst, thing about this was that I was able to skip all the bits I really didn't care about. Therefore, I have no idea what the judges said to most of the contestants or what Wagner sang. And I skipped the end of Storm's as well. No one should sing The Boss. Let's be realistic.

I didn't realise how many contestants there actually are left. In my head, there should only be about 6, but alas, there I was thinking that Matt was about to come on and close the show, but no. Up pops Big Fat Mary, who was amazing by the way, but a bit samey. Of course, there was Bitchface Helmethead Katie, who I really don't care about. Careworker, 29/ Felicia's Brother/ Andy Abraham still boring the world to death. People need to realise, that once a song has been sung by Buble, your version is always going to reek of failure. Deal with it. Sing that one by All 4 One. You know, 'I swear, by the moooon and the staaars in the skyyyy..." That one. I can't even remember any of the others. But Bieber Boyband...

OH MY GOD! When Curly Bieber was so nervous he thought he was going to throw up and then he was crying and all the other Biebers gathered around him and were hugging him! So adorable! Poor Curly Bieber. He's so natural though. Unlike Other Bieber... But Asian Bieber looked so pretty and they were all just amazing and I love them and if they don't win it will be a travesty against humanity.

Slash, I am going to slam an axe through Louis Walsh's head. He's a dick. He drives me to the point of suicide. I hate him. And what's with the ever changing hair colour? He's clearly just trying to look more like Louis Walsh's son so that he can geg in on their success. Idiot.

Wagner and Careworker, 29 to go. Or else...

The reason I am never leaving the house again. Ever.

I love a murder mystery as much as the next person. In fact, I probably love a murder mystery a lot more than the next person. But they scare me. Not so much Midsomer Murders or Diagnosis Murder, although they are excellent examples of televisual genius. I'm talking about the ones that actually seem real. Whitechapel is such a murder mystery.
I am fully aware that Whitechapel was on on Monday and it is now Saturday, but I have recently returned to my native land of the North where our religious beliefs in Sky+ are not persecuted by the cool kids. And it was brilliant. I loved the first series, although it filled me with terror, but after a while, you forget about it. Now that it's back on, I swear on the life of my hamster (Chandler Bing 2005-2006 RIP) that I am never ever going out ever without some sort of presidential security. I don't want to be murdered! I mean, I know it's not real, and I know that this series is all about the Krays and getting revenge on those that gave evidence against them, and I don't think I fall into that category, but it puts you on edge. People are crazy. Like, properly weird. And people get murdered all the time for no reason! And now, thanks to Rupert Penry-Jones and his weird little rat-like friend, I am convinced that this will happen to me.
I am therefore making a plea. Don't ever let me join a gang. Ever. I'm not someone who is easily influenced by others, but I'm pretty sure if someone put a gun to my head, I'd do whatever they wanted me to do.
Anyway, back to the show. Although I find Rupert Penry-Jones' character a bit wet and his hair really irritates me, I love the way they use the tiniest slices of humour. DI Chandler is actually quite funny. It's a drama, no doubt about it, but they very cleverly and rarely lighten the mood, I'm guessing, to avoid wimps like me from barricading themselves in their houses, without loosing any credibility. I think that deserves a round of applause. But it makes me so sad that he gets bullied! It literally makes me want to cry. When he was walking up the stairs and the uniformed officer slapped the papers out of his hands! It was heart-breaking. And when they knocked the wing-mirror off his car! Who does that!? I can't deal with people being mean to people who don't deserve it. Louis Walsh deserves it. DI Chandler does not.
Slash, I love that Deborah from Spiceworld is in it. And all I could think was, you're meant to be organising the Spice Bus, what are you doing messing with dead bodies. Get back to work!
I'm actually really excited for the next episode, and I wish that the series was longer, but I think it's quite clever of them to keep it short, it doesn't drag out too much, doesn't get boring. I might even re-watch it. That's high praise. It's actually hard to make comment on shows that are good. I think it could have been better; there wasn't much tension, but I know that it's coming. And that anticipation is what makes it so good.
How much do you think a bodyguard would cost..? I think I'd even take Kevin Costner...