The Return of One Tree Hill

Oh. My. God.

Hello. I'm back, not that anyone cares. I felt that the return of the world's worst show warranted a return from me. The only issue is, that episode of One Tree Hill was so bad, I genuinely can't remember any of it. I think that as it was happening, my brain, in a valiant attempt to save me from the torture unfolding before my eyes, was blocking it out as it went along. Thank you brain! Oh no... it's come back to me. I think I'll be having nightmares about it for the rest of time...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, just when I was getting disturbingly excited by the advert, One Tree Hill has surpassed all my expectations. Every single one of them. Why am I even surprised?

So Quinn and Clay were not shot? It was all just a dream! Of course! Sorry, I did forget momentarily that One Tree Hill owned the 'it was all just a dream' franchise. Although, it was glaringly obvious from the start that it was not just a dream. WE'RE NOT STUPID! STOP WASTING OUR TIME WITH NONSENSE ABOUT DREAMS AND ALTERNATE REALITIES! They were shot. Shot as in, a bullet left a gun at speed and entered their bodies causing them to joyfully bleed everywhere and (fingers crossed) die as slowly and painfully as humanly possible. Alas, they will be saved somehow after 15 days of lying in that room because no one cares enough to wonder where they are and they'll both be absolutely fine. As if nothing ever happened.

I did thoroughly enjoy, "Oh Quinn, have you noticed that there's been no one else on the beach all day... Let's go skinny dipping." Oh, the tension! Slash, I hope they drown in their dream and enter into some sort of crazy Inception-esque scenario in which they can never ever escape. A bit OTT? Nah...

Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott needs a slap for two reasons: 1. What, in the name of all that is holy, sacred and Bieberfied, was that hat all about? 2. After the last season finale, the last thing anyone wants in the season premiere is to listen (YES! LISTEN!) to Hayley write the most appallingly homemade letter to Lucas about things that are completely irrelevant to life. No one writes letters on lined paper. Only the impoverished and those who deserve to be permanently excluded from society.

I know I said there were two reasons, but there are actually about five... Let me continue: 3. Her arse is gigantic and just because she's pregnant in the show, there is no excuse for wearing poor fitting clothing. 4. Her depression has just magically disappeared which suggests she will end up killing herself in about four episodes. 5. Is she a teacher? Is she an international superstar? Will I ever know the answer to that question? Will she ever make her mind up? Do I care?

Thankfully for One Tree Hill, they have Julian Baker. Oh, Julian... I love that they've taken to just having him half naked for the majority of the episode to ensure people watch. Which they will. Because he's fit. I also enjoyed the numerous Grease 2 references, resulting in Julian in a leather jacket... Nice. He did say some embarrassing things though... Some very embarrassing things. "I know you Brooke Davies." Thanks, Julian, we know. He also said something about 'romancing Brooke's ovaries'. I'm aware that this was intended as a joke, but it was not funny and it made me want to throw up. Thank God he was wearing that jacket... Also, all his 'Grease 2' references were actually from 'Grease'. I'm not sure if it was an issue for anyone else, but I just thought I would throw it out there; it bothered me.

Oh, I don't care that Brooke was arrested. I have no interest in this storyline. I also don't care about Stephen Colletti, Mia and Alex. It would be very convenient for me if there was some sort of violent explosion that resulted in their bodies being unidentifiable, just to make sure they couldn't be re-introduced at a later date. I wish Dan Scott was still around...

What else happened? Anything. There were so many embarrassing things that I wish I had made a note of. I mean, the scripting was truly abysmal.

"KEEP HIS DINGO OUT OF YOUR WALLABE!"

Well done, One Tree Hill. Bravo. You have managed to make innuendo completely unfunny. The other quotes are going to be coming back to me in my sleep... I'll be haunted by the ghosts of scriptwriting present. I'm actually scared to go to bed now... Really scared...

Until next week.