This is why I'm a genius

You know when you're sat alone, casually watching B*Witched videos on YouTube, disguising your procrastination with reminiscence of days gone by, practicing your best Irish accent? It was from this humble beginning that I discovered myself to be the next Einstein.

Now, I love me a bit of 'C'est la Vie', but once you've watched it eight times, it can begin to get on your nerves. Naturally, I progressed onto the 5ive classic, 'When the Lights Go Out', a video so powerfully representative of our generation it's breathtaking.

Clearly, with 5ive being the international success that they were, and quite obviously still are, they were bound to have some of the world's biggest talent make guest appearances in their videos, particularly for a song that spoke to a generation. Therefore, I was in no way surprised to see, before my very own eyes, one Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott, bumping and grinding with one Richard 'Abs' Breen. The filthy whore.

Actually, I was very surprised to see Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott in the video, and my spotting of her in said video, due to the fact she is in it for 5 whole English seconds, is what makes me a genius worthy of international recognition and praise. I hope this is clear.

The Return of One Tree Hill

Oh. My. God.

Hello. I'm back, not that anyone cares. I felt that the return of the world's worst show warranted a return from me. The only issue is, that episode of One Tree Hill was so bad, I genuinely can't remember any of it. I think that as it was happening, my brain, in a valiant attempt to save me from the torture unfolding before my eyes, was blocking it out as it went along. Thank you brain! Oh no... it's come back to me. I think I'll be having nightmares about it for the rest of time...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, just when I was getting disturbingly excited by the advert, One Tree Hill has surpassed all my expectations. Every single one of them. Why am I even surprised?

So Quinn and Clay were not shot? It was all just a dream! Of course! Sorry, I did forget momentarily that One Tree Hill owned the 'it was all just a dream' franchise. Although, it was glaringly obvious from the start that it was not just a dream. WE'RE NOT STUPID! STOP WASTING OUR TIME WITH NONSENSE ABOUT DREAMS AND ALTERNATE REALITIES! They were shot. Shot as in, a bullet left a gun at speed and entered their bodies causing them to joyfully bleed everywhere and (fingers crossed) die as slowly and painfully as humanly possible. Alas, they will be saved somehow after 15 days of lying in that room because no one cares enough to wonder where they are and they'll both be absolutely fine. As if nothing ever happened.

I did thoroughly enjoy, "Oh Quinn, have you noticed that there's been no one else on the beach all day... Let's go skinny dipping." Oh, the tension! Slash, I hope they drown in their dream and enter into some sort of crazy Inception-esque scenario in which they can never ever escape. A bit OTT? Nah...

Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott needs a slap for two reasons: 1. What, in the name of all that is holy, sacred and Bieberfied, was that hat all about? 2. After the last season finale, the last thing anyone wants in the season premiere is to listen (YES! LISTEN!) to Hayley write the most appallingly homemade letter to Lucas about things that are completely irrelevant to life. No one writes letters on lined paper. Only the impoverished and those who deserve to be permanently excluded from society.

I know I said there were two reasons, but there are actually about five... Let me continue: 3. Her arse is gigantic and just because she's pregnant in the show, there is no excuse for wearing poor fitting clothing. 4. Her depression has just magically disappeared which suggests she will end up killing herself in about four episodes. 5. Is she a teacher? Is she an international superstar? Will I ever know the answer to that question? Will she ever make her mind up? Do I care?

Thankfully for One Tree Hill, they have Julian Baker. Oh, Julian... I love that they've taken to just having him half naked for the majority of the episode to ensure people watch. Which they will. Because he's fit. I also enjoyed the numerous Grease 2 references, resulting in Julian in a leather jacket... Nice. He did say some embarrassing things though... Some very embarrassing things. "I know you Brooke Davies." Thanks, Julian, we know. He also said something about 'romancing Brooke's ovaries'. I'm aware that this was intended as a joke, but it was not funny and it made me want to throw up. Thank God he was wearing that jacket... Also, all his 'Grease 2' references were actually from 'Grease'. I'm not sure if it was an issue for anyone else, but I just thought I would throw it out there; it bothered me.

Oh, I don't care that Brooke was arrested. I have no interest in this storyline. I also don't care about Stephen Colletti, Mia and Alex. It would be very convenient for me if there was some sort of violent explosion that resulted in their bodies being unidentifiable, just to make sure they couldn't be re-introduced at a later date. I wish Dan Scott was still around...

What else happened? Anything. There were so many embarrassing things that I wish I had made a note of. I mean, the scripting was truly abysmal.

"KEEP HIS DINGO OUT OF YOUR WALLABE!"

Well done, One Tree Hill. Bravo. You have managed to make innuendo completely unfunny. The other quotes are going to be coming back to me in my sleep... I'll be haunted by the ghosts of scriptwriting present. I'm actually scared to go to bed now... Really scared...

Until next week.

Whilst I'm here...

Can we please discuss 90210?

I genuinely couldn't think it could get any worse, but I am now developing some sort of addiction I'm currently attributing to the fact that there is no One Tree Hill on at the moment and they have slipped some subliminal messaging into their title sequence.

This week was painfully uninteresting. I genuinely don't think anything happened. Except of course for Silver throwing a fit over the fact that Teddy had a drink and convincing herself he's an alcoholic. But I'm personally putting this down to the fact that she's bipolar. I think we all remember when she lost her mind, filmed her and Dixon having sex in a store room and then screened it as a film and then was diagnosed as bipolar instead of being locked in an asylum where she belongs. I'm disliking how she is almost central to all story lines at the moment. Why does she have to be involved in everything? And she seems to have stolen an old lady's wardrobe and wig. Not a great look for someone who is trying to play 17.

Last week however was excellent. Of course we had the earthquake. Classic. The introduction of Oscar, the world's worst fake English person ever. We had Annie casually strolling into school after being on house arrest after killing a man in a hit and run accident and lying about it for a year, and Adrianna stealing the personal belongings of the dead. Nice.

Oscar is going to be an issue for me. I could have dealt with the awful accent, although it causes me great offence. However, his scripting has resulted in physical symptoms. I must be allergic, it's definitely the beginnings of anaphylactic shock. I think we all know the scene I'm talking about. Ivy's casual afternoon sex dream in which she is kissing Oscar on her bed and he ever so romantically whispers, sorry, stage whispers, 'I'm so happy to have shared my first earthquake with you. Earthquake being a euphemism for orgasm.' WHAT?! WHAT?! Words fail me. I can't even think about that scene without throwing my limbs around in sheer disgust. There are so many issues with that line I don't even know where to begin. 1) How, in anyone's mind, is that sexy? 2) What kind of deranged human being would ever say that? 3) Who was allowed to write that into the script?

I think point 3 is the most interesting of all. Let's investigate shall we... Jennie Snyder. I would have bet a gazillion of our great English pounds that it would have been a man. But alas. What's worse is that she wrote Gilmore Girls. She has forever ruined that show for me. You bitch, Jennie Snyder. I can't even think about it any more, I'll genuinely be forced to throw myself out my window. It's literally traumatising. She actually wrote that, gave it to the producers, they read it, and genuinely went, 'Wow, that's genius. Gold, right there! We're definitely going to win an Emmy this year! Jennie, you're so talented.'

I am much looking forward to finding out about Liam and his brother. I hope they realise they are not the same colour, otherwise that is the worst casting I have ever seen. I'm sure this will be explained, along with why Liam hates him. I'm pretty sure they'd run out of ideas for Liam short of taking his shirt off, and at the last minute grabbed a poor unwitting man off the street and thrust him into one of the most arguably pointless story lines of all time. Having said that, I don't know what happens. I'm just assuming it's boring, like the rest of the show. At least Liam is vaguely entertaining, his entertainment coming in the form of his face, but it physically repels me to see him with Annie. I can't stand her stupid whiny idiotic nonsense. She should be in jail for God's sake! She is a murderer! Why does no one remember that!?

Give me Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott any day of the week.

"I think she'll be an owl..."

Just when you thought One Tree Hill couldn't possibly get any worse, they bring the world the worst ever in the history of humanity worst series finale ever. And what makes it even worse, is that E4 decided to show it as a double bill, as though the suspense from the first part would be so great that we couldn't physically wait another week for the next one. Either that or they just wanted it to end. On reflection it's probably the latter. In fact, it's definitely the latter.

I actually made notes. I never make notes on anything, but so many bad things happened that I realised about 5 minutes in that I would never be able to remember them, and they were too good to waste.

Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott is just the worst. The worst. She makes depression laughable. I love that she practically refuses to speak to anyone and instead decides that the best way to behave is to regress to some sort of spoilt 16 year old brat. She just strolls into Clothes Over Bros with Brooke and gives Victoria all this 'tude. It's like, nah-uh honey, I ain't takin' that. She was even chewing gum. I mean, what the hell. I don't think I will ever understand why the writers seem to think that we will believe that Hayley inspires anyone. Oh wait, I forgot,   she's a multi-platinum selling musician who inspires the world through her lyrics. How silly of me. I also forgot that being depressed means that you can't do laundry. That's why Nathan had to do it and turned all Jamie's socks pink! God Hayley, you need to stop being such a diva and do your husband's washing, bitch. What a terrible mother. I knew, as soon as you saw her on the phone, that Hayley was ringing her mother's mobile. What a tool. And Nathan's discovery of this was genius. "Hmmmm... why are there so many calls to Hayley's mum's number from Hayley's cell? Hmmmmm... Mystery..." GAY!

And what the hell was Quinn's Goonie inspired trail all about? There is no need for all these pointless sub-plots. Not that you can really call that a plot. It was more like, 'We've paid for her this season, let's use her'. He's 7, he's not a retard. Although it's questionable. If my auntie had tried to make me so something that stupid I would have thrown the biggest tantrum ever and torn up her stupid map right in her face. Slash, can I just say, that the 'snack' they were having wasn't fooling anyone. There is no way in hell that kid snacks on carrot sticks. Not unless they're coated in lard. The worst part about it was when Jamie drew that picture for Hayley. "Mama, you're our treasure, Love Jamie". Vom. Hayley, you are quite possibly my least favourite person on television, and I have some very strong feelings about Cher Lloyd and Louis Walsh.

Speaking of Quinn, I swear to God, how many times does she need to be naked. I get it, she's got a great body, thanks for rubbing that in my big fat face and making me feel greatly inferior. But seriously. OK, when she was trying to 'seduce' Clay (I don't think the word 'cringe' has ever been more appropriate) it made sense, but getting locked outside in a bikini, in the middle of the snowy Utah mountains... What? And then, 'Oh look here, a strategically placed furry hat and some walking boots! I shall now walk through this freezing blizzard to the local cafe where I will storm in a demand a key from my increasingly less attractive boyfriend.' Not cool. I wish they'd make her character less wet. She's such a drip. Shut up, Quinn. No one cares. I'm glad she got shot. Oooops. Don't want to spoilt the painfully abysmal ending...

I love Julian. I love him. But he needs a haircut, and after I declared this, it was later referenced about 5 times throughout the two episodes. Why doesn't he get it cut then? Ah... that is something we will never know. They mystery of One Tree Hill. Brooke is such a fatty trying to get out bless her. But as if he has the Film Festival people saved in his phone contacts. When the phone rang and the name appeared, it was just painful. That doesn't happen ever! And no one will ever want to see his movie because it has the most awful name ever, "Seven Days Til Tuesday". What?! That doesn't even make sense. And it sounds like the kind of film that would make me want to hang myself.

Slash, I can't believe I haven't mentioned Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott's suicide attempt. Well, it was advertised as a suicide attempt. In reality, it was more like she was swimming underwater for a long time and then Nathan jumped in and ruined her fun. "Breathe, Hayley! Breathe!" Erm... she is breathing. She's absolutely fine. It wasn't even dramatic. If you can count on One Tree Hill for anything, then it's a sense of over the top drama. But no, even that has sadly disappeared.

Back to Julian. Although his movie is awful, despite the standing ovation, (yeah, OK...) he looked nice in his suit. Slash, Jamie's premiere suit wasn't even funny. What kind of mother lets their child go to a highly photographed event dressed as a bull fighter? She's obviously too famous for regular clothing. But Julian has great taste in engagement rings. Quite possibly the worst proposal ever, but the ring was pretty impressive. Good old Brulian.

It's says here in my notes, "Jamie's fringe". Need I say more? I think not.

Oh my God, Quinn is such an idiot. There she was, taking a nice walk with her "baby" sister and she has to ruin it with, "Mom believed in reincarnation. I think she'll be an owl..." I'm sorry, what? Que? Quoi? An owl? Words fail me. All I could think for the 20 minutes that followed was, "I'm not an owl, Ron!" My favourite line from Harry Potter ever. Ho, ho, ho! But when Hayley saw that owl at the end, literally all I could do was sigh. It was so predictable and so ludicrous. And as if she went up to it and stroked it! WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU CRAZY BITCH!? IT'S AN OWL! I was just waiting for it to lose it's mind and start clawing her eyes out. I was very disappointed when it didn't, I'm not going to lie.

I don't care about Grubbs, Mia or Stephen from Laguna Beach. I feel like they're just there to kill some time. And why did Stephen from Laguna Beach go to Utah with them? Has he even ever spoken to Julian?! Go and hang out with LC, leave everyone alone you annoying little boy. Oh, I don't care about pubescent Justin Timberlake either. No one cares if he's gay or not. I don't think anyone would care if he was dead. Slash, I'm sure that Hollywood is full of really attractive rubbish actors, why not cast one of them as the 'leading man'? This guy must be the producer's son or something. How embarrassing.

Just a quick note about Alex. First of all, I know she wants to hide her scars and all, but what's with the arm warmer/vest combo? Not a cute look. And if she was that worried about scars, maybe she should have put more thought into how she was going to kill herself instead of acting on impulse. Serves her right. And also, how is having a different name a secret of the same magnitude as hiding your homosexuality from your family and the international press and public? Erm... let me think. It's not. Everyone has a stage name you idiot. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO BRAND ALICE AS A HORRIBLE NAME!? Her and her pube-headed actor friend make me sick. Was it meant to be dramatic? "It's Alice, Alice Whitehead..." Actually, that's just about a normal name as Alex Dupree, although, not as trampy. Bitch.

Now, to the ending of this season. Usually, there's a good ending. We all remember Hayley and Nathan's wedding when the limo crashed into the lake. Loves it. We all remember Dan Scott shooting Keith. Will anyone ever remember this? Probably not. And let me tell you why. First off, Hayley's pregnancy is now surprise. The only surprising thing about it is that she is now some sort of psychic and can tell the sex of the baby by magic or voodoo or something. "I'm pregnant and I think it's going to be a girl." Who says that? No one. Second of all, a shooting should always have impact. This was quite possibly the worst shooting I have ever witnessed. As soon as Clay told Quinn to go to bed, I knew CrazyBitch would be waiting. BANG! I love that Clay's response to an obvious gun shot in his house was an inquisitive, "Quinn...?" as if she'd knocked something over. 'I know what I'll do, I'll follow the sound of the gun shot and see what's happening...' No, Clay, you're clearly an idiot. BANG! Now, from all my experience in gun crime, I'm pretty sure that those shots would have killed both of them. Yet I know this to not be the case. This is the issue when America are so far ahead. I know that both of them are going to be in the next season. So it's obvious. There was no drama, no tension. I wanted some sort of Derek/Peyton thing, where it was so tense that I actually couldn't watch. It made me jump so badly. Whereas with this I was more, 'Hmm.. OK, whatevs' which a casual shrug of the shoulders. The best bit of this boring shooting was CrazyBitch's exit. I love how she used the curtain like a cape; swinging it over her shoulders as she disappears into the night. It was genuinely like some sort of piss take. It was almost as if they were trying to be ironic. It was that bad.

Dear One Tree Hill,
Please let Julian get his hair cut and marry Brooke in a nice happy ceremony (with lots of twists). Please help Jamie cut the carbs. Please give Quinn some clothes. Please don't let Hayley's pregnancy come between her and her loyal fans. Please let Clay live and realise that actually he and Quinn are really annoying together and he could be a lot more interesting if he actually grew a pair and started behaving like a normal human being. Oh, and please, please, PLEASE get some new scriptwriters.
Thanking you in advance,
Alice. x

Dear Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott...

Do you think Bieber got where he is today by walking out on music videos? No. Do you really think Simon Cowell accepts 'making soup' as an excuse for not being on set and costing the record company $50,000? No. Do you really think anyone cares about your 'depression' when Julian was naked in the bath? No.

Can I just say, before I being to rant uncontrollably about all the things wrong with this episode of One Tree Hill and rip it brutally and unforgivingly to shreads, that I have just caught up on Friday's episode of The Mentalist, and Simon Baker crying is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen in my life. I hate Red John. I hate him for what he's done to Simon Baker. Slash, loving the Baker's new suit. Loving the Baker in general. He is amazing. I still didn't guess who did it though; he's so clever! And so pretty.

Anyway, back to the travesty that was One Tree Hill. I'm going to be honest and say that I actually didn't listen to most of what was going on for several reasons including: 'I don't care' and 'This is so boring I want to throw myself out the window'. I think the writers need to realise that whilst Skills and Mouth were good characters in the good old days when the Ravens were all together, now they are so totally irrelevant it hurts. When was the last time Nathan spoke to either of them? Yet, they're meant to be bezzies. Take the hint lads. He's a big NBA star now, he hates you, leave him alone. Also, no one cares about Mouth's new girlfriend, or Skills' ex-girlfriend or whoever she is. She looks an awful lot like the cheerleader that he used to go out with in high school, but she isn't her. No one cares.

Hayley setting fire to her piano was genius. So funny. And when Nathan ran in and was all like, "Hayley, what are you doing, you're going to get burnt!" I think that's the point numbskull. I also love that he managed to put it out with a tea towel. Classic Nathan always saving the day. I'm also really glad he was there to comfort Jamie, because when Hayley told him to go to his room, she may as well have smashed in his skull with a ladle. "You know your mom still loves you, right?" Excellent parenting, Nathan. All she said was 'go to your room'. She barely even raised her voice. Take it down a notch. Slash, as if her music video costs that much to make. As if she is making music videos! Oh wait! Of course! She's a giant great big fat celebrity! The world's favourite pop star! Sorry, I really must keep up... How many times is she going to make soup in an attempt to garner sympathy from the viewer? Must I repeat myself over and over and over... NO ONE CARES!

Erm... No one cares about Miranda and her fake English accent that is actually a real English accent and Grubbs the Jesus wannabe with the dark hair and creepily ginger beard. His song was comedy gold. Repetition is the key to success, he just needed a key change and it would have been an instant smash hit. "If I start to change, you've got to stop me." You're not the Incredible Hulk, you're a bartender who clearly thinks too much of himself and has a hideous beard. Who writes craptacular songs. And is an idiot.

Katie is a psycho. I know she's meant to be, but woah. She's insane. My favourite part of this week's instalment in this never ending and totally pointless saga was the fact that the portrait she bought of Clay in last week's episode was actually completely different this week. I swear on my life, the picture has changed. Why?! Why couldn't it be the same one? And Quinn is becoming a worse and worse actress. I think maybe it's the material she's being given, but please. She is awful. And she is about 56 years younger than her 'baby sister' Hayley.

Brooke is so irritating. I know I was campaigning for Brulian, but now I'm starting to wish he'd ditch her and find someone else. Although, quite frankly, I don't care who he's dating if he's going to be in the bath all the time. Oh, and no one cares about the gay actor either. He is about 2 foot tall, with Justin Timberlake *N Sync hair and the weirdest face I have ever seen on a human. Stop wasting Julian's time! He's got a movie to promote! I love that Brooke was all like, "You need to take it easy, I'm worried about you." Why? He's just finished making a movie, his dream, and now he's lying in a super gay bubble bath. It's not as if he's working 5 jobs, 7 days a week whilst battling some sort of terminal disease after his entire family were killed in a nuclear explosion. Chillax, Brooke. He's fine.

OH MY GOD! I actually almost forgot my favourite part of the whole show. "Hey, TMZ. Yes, this is Brooke Davis. No, actually, the person in the picture is Victoria Davis, my mother. V-I-C-T-O-R-I-A."

Let's just stop and take a second. Are we, the public, meant to actually, genuinely believe that TMZ give a shit about a shitty fashion designer from North Carolina and her mother? TMZ?! Seriously?! I don't even know what to say... I mean... It's ludicrous on so many levels. And who casually calls up TMZ and so easily clarifies such a situation? Who can't spell Victoria? No one. Oh, Mark Schwahn, with your silly name and your delusional mind, how I pity your naivety.

Who else don't I care about...? I don't even care about not caring about anyone else. The Mentalist was so good this week that it has totally taken over my brain and now I shall go and dream sweet dreams of Simon Baker's perfect smile...

Julian Baker

One Tree Hill now has way too many characters, so much so that the hero that is Julian Baker is not in it enough at all. And let us be honest with ourselves, do we watch it for anything else? No. Except maybe Clay. But not even really for him.

Tonight's episode was another snoozefest, but at least it's starting to hint at more promising things to come. I forget that they're all internationally recognised heroes of industry. There is a town in North Carolina where the majority of the world's biggest celebrities all live, and coincidentally, were all friends before their rise to the A List. Surely it's statistically impossible; that a group of no marks from a no mark town in a no mark state would all become so famous it makes Brad Pitt look like an extra from Hollyoaks. It's ludicrous that they expect us to believe this crap! What's more ludicrous is that they're trying to pass Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott as Quinn's 'younger' sister. She's clearly 47, there is no way in hell she is younger than Quinn. No way. She could play Quinn's mother. Although, I'd like to forget that Quinn and Hayley ever had a mother, as she nearly bored me into a coma the past few weeks.

I love that for Quinn's art show or gallery opening or whatever the hell it was, she turned up and was surprised by how everything was laid out. Surely, surely, being the 'artist' and all, she would have done it herself. And the photos were so random. "We spent an entire week in that village and those girls kept following me around..." An entire week in a third world country?! Well aren't you quite the philanthropist?! Idiot. And that portrait of Clay was hilarious. I love that he wasn't expecting it either, even though it was clearly posed for. And when the actress who played his dead wife and is now playing his stalker who looks like his dead wife showed up, I was thinking, it would be so hilariously cliche if he dropped his drink right now. Whatcha know! And it was so undramatic.

As was Hayley's pregnancy test. When she turned it over, I was expecting there to be some dramatic response in the mirror, or at least a dramatic cut away with some dramatic music, but no. She's too famous for all that. I forget. Oh my God. Why is Nathan still allowed to act? I loved it when he was the rebellious youth, now he's just a boring old man, when actually he's still meant to be about 23. "Your mom's just putting her pretty face on. Well... her prettier face." Smooth, Nate. She can't hear you sucking up to her. Slash, she's hideous with make-up on, especially when she applies it like some sort of evil clown. Christ. And the part where Nathan and Jamie played RockBand. Why do they have KISS costumes just lying around? I mean, the make-up is one unnecessary thing, but the wings and leathers? Erm... no. And it went on for about 5 hours. I understand they were trying to show the bond between Nathan and his son, but realistically, no one cares because he can't act and his son is fat.

Julian's Ryan Atwood complex is still rearing it's head, but now that Brooke's behaving like a reasonable human being again all it's not as frustrating. Slash, Alex is a whore and he shouldn't help her. Who even consents to having sex with the most hideous 'movie star' ever? He's about 2 foot tall with hair worthy of a 15 year old Justin Timberlake. Not a good look. And what is that accent? Where is he from? It was so obvious he was behind the 'leaking' of the sex tape. Poor Julian. Who wants to blackmail him?! He's way too pretty. And $1million? Oh wait, sorry! I forget that they're so famous they're actually worth this. Julian, be normal, let the tape leak and gain free publicity for your shitacious film. No one cares about Alex's mental state, she's an idiot with fat legs. I did love it at the end though when Julian and Brooke were in bed. He might as well have been speaking in Shakespearean verse. No one speaks like that. "You're even more beautiful than in my dreams..." Vom. I'll let it slide Jay, but only because you were topless. Say that shit fully clothed and we'll have to have words.

Oh, and there was that whole Mouth, Skills and Skill's girlfriend who looks like Mouth situation. Does anyone care? No. None of them are attractive enough for us to care. And as soon as Quinn revealed the 'live art', it was so obvious what was going to happen. Skills would catch Mouth and Skill's girlfriend who looks like Mouth together and Victoria and Alexander would also be found out. How stupid is Brooke by the way, not to figure any of this out? Alexander also coincidentally has the hair of a ninties boyband member. I'm thinking something like Richie from 5ive. Is that who had hair like that? I never liked Richie, he had the eyes of a serial killer, and he went out with Billie Piper. I was actually quite upset when they broke up and she got together with Chris Evans. Random.

Anyway, the show is finally getting better, and now that there is a crazy stalker, we're almost guaranteed a good storyline. Hopefully that won't involved Hayley 'I'm so famous' too much. She drives me mad!

Slash, where has Dan Scott gone?

Dear Julian Baker of One Tree Hill Fame...

... If you actually did what we're led to believe you have done, I will be forced to commit a series of very serious crimes for which I will hold you solely accountable.
Love Alice.

Here's the deal. I am beyond bored of the Brooke/Julian (or if you prefer, Brulian) will they, won't they situation. We all know they're going to get back together, and just when I thought it was finally about to happen, Julian 'walks Alex back to her room', only for Brooke to walk into his room and find Alex naked in his bed. What the hell!? Surely he can't have done it, HE CAN'T HAVE DONE! God, this show is going to send me to an early grave. I don't even know why it stresses me out so much, it's not like it's even any good, but I just cannot accept that this has happened. That is why my thoughts are thus: Julian did not sleep with Alex and there appears to have been just some great misunderstanding. She was moaning about how she couldn't sleep in her room because of the patio furniture salesmen who were living it up big time, and so Julian, for the good of the film of course, offered to switch rooms with her or something. Then, Brooke, not knowing this, will be all like, "You know what, Julian, I was just beginning to think I could trust you again, but I guess I was wrong," and storm off, for him to follow her, explain his way out of it and then they'll have some hilariously over the top kiss with Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott singing in the background. Excellent.

This might sound harsh, but are we really meant to care that Hayley's mum (whose name I do not know) is dying. I get that it's a sad situation, but seriously. She literally just turned up and we're meant to feel some sort of connection to her. Slash, when did Hayley have such a big family? I love that they just showed up out of nowhere and we're meant to believe that they've always been super close. Plus, Jamie is not cute enough anymore to make things sad. Sorry, but it's true. I swear they're slipping growth stunting substances into his bacon, ice cream and lard sandwiches.

But my favourite moment of the episode was, of course, when Brooke tried to convince the consierge at the hotel to let her have Julian's key and he was there reading all about their break-up in a celebrity gossip magazine! Lest us forget how famous they all are! And he was all like, "Oh, I'm such a big fan, I'm so glad you two are back together!" And Brooke was all like, "You can't always believe what you read in the papers!" It's so ridiculous! But I freakin' love it! I wonder whe Hayley's next album's out...

Welcome

Hello and welcome to I Miss Brookside, a (hopefully) satirical blog dedicated to critiquing and reviewing TV, film, and pretty much anything else worth commenting on.

I would primarily like the thank Monday night's abismal episode of One Tree Hill for riling me enough to start this blog and vent my frustration. It was just awful. I mean, Ilove One Tree Hill, and I'm not ashamed to admit that depsite the pathetic guest stars, the storylines that make 90210 seem realistic and the fact that every single character now appears to be a celebrity, the worse it gets the more I find myself enjoying it. Now that sappy, pain-in-the-arse Lucas has gone and stopped providing the painful voiceovers that start and end the show with a 'deep and meaningful' but completely irrelevant and futile look at the world, I no longer want to throw things at the television screen. The acting isn't even that bad, but the script is...

Monday saw international singing sensation, Hayley James Scott (the most famous singer in the whole entire world ever) throw an 80s themed dance at Tree Hill High. "Why?!" you may ask. I couldn't honestly tell you, other than the fact that the episode was some sort of John Hughes tribute. My favourite thing about Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott's dance was that no one seemed arsed that she was this huge international pop-star, casually throwing a particularly crappy high school dance. And, even more amusing, was that no one remembered her birthday. Not her son, her best friends, not even her huge following of hardcore fans that for some unbeknownst reason sell out all the gigs. Not even her sister. Poor Hayley James Scott. And speaking of her sister, why was Quinn so obsessed with crimping her hair? If you're that desperate, DO IT! She didn't even look 80s, more 'what were you thinking?'

Of course, my favourite character is Julian, the saviour of the show, the Christ of Tree Hill. Whilst I'm still trying to work out why the script writers thought it would ever be a good idea to have him and Brooke break up over nothing, I am revelling in the costume department's interesting attempt to dress him as Duckie from Pretty in Pink. Being a die-hard Pretty in Pink fan, I loved it of course, but at the same time, his tiny hat and sunglasses made him look as though he had the head of a giant. And what was Brooke wearing!? Dear God...

Finally, my last complaint about this particular episode was the hideous sound edit towards the end whilst Mouth was talking to that girl from England, or Australia or South Africa or wherever the hell she's from. The music went from blasting over their speech to suddenly fading into the background in the space of a milisecond. It was almost outrageous that they thought they could get away with it.

Overall though, it was pretty entertaining and, as nausea inducing it was when Alex coined the name 'Brulian' which I'm sure was intended in some 'ironic' way, I'm completely and utterly engrossed in their relationship. Perhaps maybe that was a slight exaggeration, but I'm definitely interested enough to continue to watch the show. Although why the writers thought it would be 'cute' to have two characters called Alex, I'll never quite understand. They'll so end up together.