I'm actually shocked at how these programmes continue to get made. Seriously. I'm at a loss for any valid reasoning. Well, I suppose idiots like me watch them with the view to rip them completely to shreds upon their highly anticipated ending.
Let's start with Tuesday's 902109876. Realistically, I don't care about any of them. Not one. So, previously, Dixon thought he had HIV, so instead of telling Ivy that he might have HIV, he told her he still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend who, for all he knew, had given him HIV, leading a distressed Ivy to sleep with the fake English man. Tragedy. We all know that fake English man has been shagging Ivy's man of a mother in an attempt to "ruin" their family. I enjoy that Dixon genuinely thought that Ivy would just shrug off the whole thing and get back together with him. "Don't worry, I don't love my ex, I just thought I had HIV! It's fine!" Idiot. I also enjoy the way in which fake English man decided to reveal to Ivy and her man of a mother his "evil" plan. It's a pretty weak plan to "ruin" lives to be perfectly honest. I mean, he's not even attractive. And he's also not really English. "I suppose you've heard that Ivy and I had sex. But Ivy! Did you know that me and your hideous mother have also been doing it all summer long?! DA DAAAAAAHHHH! [Cue jazz hands]" Well, I've certainly learnt never to mess with Oscar's family. Oh, wait... No, I think now I'd want to mess with them more. They're clearly all idiots.
No one cares about Annie and her relationship with Liam's brother. We all know Liam's brother, I'm wanting to call him Charlie but I don't really care, is only jealous of Liam because Liam is fit and he is not. Tragic, but true. And, in the real world, neither of them would be interested in Annie anyway because she is a whingey little bitch. Although, bless her heart, she was willing to sell her eggs for $20,000 so her mum could pay the bills. Erm... How about sell your massive mansion and move somewhere else? That would be a start. Whatever happened to the grandma they were staying with? Anyway... Annie's hair was also terrible. I don't really care about Adrianna and her psycho manager. We all know she's going to end up doing drugs again or something equally as tedious, then Naveed will break up with her again, blah blah blaaahauasubiuabrv. No one cares. Although, I am confused as to why Naveed's role has been cut down so much when he's one of the funniest ones.
I am enjoying that Jen is insistent upon calling her baby Jaques. That is genius. Well done scriptwriters, for once you've done something right. I laugh every time I hear the name. I just hope it was intentionally funny, otherwise... But I also love psycho bitch Jen. I love that she genuinely wants to kill Mr Cannon. Excellent. Slash, why is Annie's mum Jen's nanny? Crazy. But yeah. However, I know where this storyline is going and am enraged with it's terribleness. The End
Gossip Girl! Oh, Josh Schwartz. What's going on? I hope you've not completely lost your mind as is being currently being suggested on screen. Just awful. It's like the show has come back after the mid-winter break and all the story lines before have been forgotten. It's like a completely different show, which I'm finding hard to understand. Serena needs some sort of character make-over. I HATE HER! He genuine stupidity and naivety fills me with so much rage I'm close to smashing up my room. And her hair used to be so nice, but apparently, you don't need to brush it any more. It's chic to look as though you've been dragged through a hedge backwards, had your head stuck down a dirty toilet bowl and then left it for 3 weeks. Oh wait. BRUSH YOUR FUCKING HAIR! Eric, apart from being a completely different size of human to the rest of the cast, is also being an idiot. I know it's not his fault he's small, but when you've cast a 5' 10" blonde to play his sister, giving him appalling highlights that you get rid of after 4 episodes is not going to cut it. Poor casting. But I hate that just because Lily is trying to stay out of prison and not let the gay guy from Spin City buy her business, Eric's all like, "Oh, I need to buy drugs, no one's paying me any attention! Woe is me!" Idiot. No one cares about you any way, except Jonathan, who I genuinely feel sorry for. If Blair and Dan get together, I swear on the name of our Lord, Justin Bieber, that I will fly to New York and personally bitch slap Josh Schwartz. No no no no no no no! No friendship group is that incestuous. And Blair is way too good for Dan. Blair is the only good young one. Except for Nate, and that's only because he's beautiful; his story lines are really starting to grate and I have no idea what's going on with his hair. Chuck is a moron. I almost typed Mormon. That would have been humorous. Erm... I like Ben. Although, I judge him for loving Serena. He just looks so clean and adorable. But we all know he's going to be yet another psychopath. Tragic really.
Beauty and the Beast. Is it just me or is that man who goes round interviewing people a real tit? I know he's got a facial disfigurement, I know he must have had a hard life, I know that people must be horrible and prejudiced towards him, but does that really allow you to be a complete knob? I don't think so. I know he's been asked to go and speak to all these people in the fashion world and the advertising world and the music world about why we're so image obsessed, but realistically, I wouldn't buy clothes from me, let alone him. Especially him now he's turned out to be such an arse. There's no point being rude about it! It's not their fault! He irritates me beyond belief.
That woman was beyond hideous. Sarah, was it? Why, oh why, would you keep getting plastic surgery when it just made you end up looking like that? I don't think it helped that she clearly had no taste or any concept of her age. I mean, she says she's beauty obsessed, but her extensions were beyond matted, her hair colour of choice was yellow, her false eyelashes made her look as if she had lazy eyes, and her skin was awful. Wrap that up in pink PVC and I'm surprised people in the street aren't blinded. And that silver dress! She is the definition of space sausage. And her inability to even try and empathise with the other woman was quite shocking. I'm pretty sure the last thing poor old Susan wanted was to be turned into a glamour model. Bless. Nice idea though... Oh, wait. Sorry. I meant TERRIBLE idea. Quite possibly the worst idea ever. And her laugh is about as fake as Lea Michele's tears at the Golden Globes. Why do I watch shows that just end up making me angry? When I'm 30 and in a mental institution, this will be why. Damn you, Channel 4!
I think that's about it. I wish there was something new on. Scratch that, I wish I had Sky. That would solve all my problems.
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