The Return of the Jedi

Hello there. How are you?

I understand that the title of this post may be most misleading. No, I shall not be ripping into Return of the Jedi, I was referring to my return to the world of 'blogging' - not that you could really call what I do 'blogging'; it's more ranting about unimportant things to no one in a public and highly embarrassing forum.

But alas. My absence stemmed from seeing Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 3D and being physically unable to write something that wasn't 'OMG! It waz amazin! I luv JB!' or something equally as chavvy and grammatically incorrect. Therefore I decided not to comment, although, I feel enough time has passed to say in all seriousness that it was amazing, surprisingly emotional and actually very inspiring. But that is it. The moment I start thinking about his grandad, this post goes to pot. Let's move on, quickly...

My absence was then extended by the realisation that no one actually cares what I have to say, and the fact that television has been so tediously dull, I couldn't actually find anything to say, even if people did care. I mean, Gossip Girl has been the same every episode. So has 90210. The Only Way Is Essex is even worse than last series, but again, there is nothing new to say. Don't even mention Glee. I'm going to start a petition to get E4 to show One Tree Hill as soon as it's shown in America. As torturous as watching it is, its genius provides many a topic for discussion. But I refuse to watch it online - it's not worth going that far.

However, 'William & Kate: The Movie' has given me inspiration worthy of One Tree Hill. In fact, I'm almost certain it was probably written by the same people. After briefly working on the DVD release as part of a spell of work experience, I felt as though I knew the film before I'd even seen it. Which, I suppose technically I did - I had read the script. Which took about 5 minutes despite it's length. That's how terrible it was. They should have gotten Sorkin on it. What's tragic is that they probably did try to get him. They were obviously deluded enough to think making it would be a good idea, I think they were probably in a mind space that suggested to them that Aaron Sorkin would love to be a part of such televisual history.

In fact, it has made history. As the most repellent piece of audiovisual material in the world. Don't get me wrong, it was freakin brilliant, but brilliant in the way that Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott can go from touring the world to organising the local school dance in the same day.

I enjoy that Kate has a slight American accent despite being played by an English actress who has lived in LA for about 3 days. I enjoy that Prince Charles has been made into a comedy character who is quite willing to admit never loving Diana to his own son. I enjoy the use of green screen to give the illusion of far off lands (particularly Africa). I enjoy the terrible use of photoshop. But most of all, I enjoy that Angus from Neighbours plays William's 'best friend'.

Angus from Neighbours. Do we all remember him? No? Let me refresh your memory. Angus met a girl called Rachel in a club. They got together. They 'fell in love'. About three days later, Rachel goes to school (she is a student after all) only to run into Angus. HE THE NEW TEACHER! So they dated secretly for a while, he went to jail, she kept going to visit him, Susan Kennedy begged him to stay away from her step daughter, he couldn't, he left, he came back, they got together again, they decided to run away. Rachel then decided that she didn't want to, so he let her out the car and drove away into the distance. Turns out he drove all the way to LA to land the role of Ian Musgrave. Wow. The only way really is up.

Luckily for Channel 5, I had Sky+ed this nonsense, meaning that I could fast forward the adverts. Had this not been the case, I would have switched over in the first break. I wonder how many people did that? Lots I'm guessing. It was just so grossly inaccurate. Not that I would be able to give you an accurate account of their relationship, but I am certain that almost none of what was portrayed in the 'movie' is true. God, I hope none of it is true. Otherwise I've just lost any respect I had for Prince William. Oh God, poor Harry. I hope the palace sues the production company. Jesus - why was Harry so disgustingly hideous and why was he so Northern? I get that he had 2 lines, but Christ - so ugly, so Northern. Apologies for all the Jesus references - Easter has clearly gotten to me.

OH MY GOD! KATE'S DAD WAS IN THE OC! The man who played Kate's dad played Holly's dad in The OC. He was the one who punched Jimmy Cooper at Cotillion. That's it. What else is there left to say? Nothing. There is nothing left to say.

BRILLIANT.
It's good to be back.

Thou must brusheth thy hair.

Dear Serena Van Der Woodsen,
Please invest your millions and millions of dollars into a hair brush. I do not believe them to be that expensive and the cost is worth it to avoid looking like you have road kill on your head as you currently do.
Thanks,
Alice.

I hate her. I actually hate her. How old is she meant to be? Isn't she meant to be in college? Isn't she meant to be actually doing something other than lunching with possible psychopaths and irritating the shit out of everyone?!

I'm so confused as to the point of the show anymore. It's beyond ludicrous. I can't even be bothered to slag it off. Other than the excellent plot line of Damien convincing Eric to punch him in the face to frame Ben, get him put back in jail and avoid him telling his dad he's a drug dealer. Worst plan ever. Most pointless plan ever. I thought that maybe Damien had something to go on. Maybe he knew a secret side to Ben, which there obviously will be because he's so freakin' dull right now. But alas, he was just trying to avoid being cut off by his father. And for some reason, Dan got roped in because he is the world's biggest loser, a clear idiot and the most gullible, moronic twat ever to step foot on this earth. And then Ben didn't feel the need to defend himself. No, off he goes back to prison with his parole officer. Hang on, let's go back a bit. I thought Dan was in on the whole plan, but no, he's stupid enough not even to go along with framing him, but to believe something told to him by a known drug dealer who he knows he cannot trust without any evidence at all. DICK! But yes, off Ben goes.

Oh wait... Because Dan's got so much pull with the police, he was able to explain and get Ben back and bring him and Serena together. Fantastic. Slash... No one cares. All I can say is that Blair and Chuck better get back together soon or else there is literally nothing worth watching the show for anymore.

Come on, Josh Schwartz! We love you! Don't let us down... Or else...

TV Round-up of Despair

I'm actually shocked at how these programmes continue to get made. Seriously. I'm at a loss for any valid reasoning. Well, I suppose idiots like me watch them with the view to rip them completely to shreds upon their highly anticipated ending.

Let's start with Tuesday's 902109876. Realistically, I don't care about any of them. Not one. So, previously, Dixon thought he had HIV, so instead of telling Ivy that he might have HIV, he told her he still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend who, for all he knew, had given him HIV, leading a distressed Ivy to sleep with the fake English man. Tragedy. We all know that fake English man has been shagging Ivy's man of a mother in an attempt to "ruin" their family. I enjoy that Dixon genuinely thought that Ivy would just shrug off the whole thing and get back together with him. "Don't worry, I don't love my ex, I just thought I had HIV! It's fine!" Idiot. I also enjoy the way in which fake English man decided to reveal to Ivy and her man of a mother his "evil" plan. It's a pretty weak plan to "ruin" lives to be perfectly honest. I mean, he's not even attractive. And he's also not really English. "I suppose you've heard that Ivy and I had sex. But Ivy! Did you know that me and your hideous mother have also been doing it all summer long?! DA DAAAAAAHHHH! [Cue jazz hands]" Well, I've certainly learnt never to mess with Oscar's family. Oh, wait... No, I think now I'd want to mess with them more. They're clearly all idiots.

No one cares about Annie and her relationship with Liam's brother. We all know Liam's brother, I'm wanting to call him Charlie but I don't really care, is only jealous of Liam because Liam is fit and he is not. Tragic, but true. And, in the real world, neither of them would be interested in Annie anyway because she is a whingey little bitch. Although, bless her heart, she was willing to sell her eggs for $20,000 so her mum could pay the bills. Erm... How about sell your massive mansion and move somewhere else? That would be a start. Whatever happened to the grandma they were staying with? Anyway... Annie's hair was also terrible. I don't really care about Adrianna and her psycho manager. We all know she's going to end up doing drugs again or something equally as tedious, then Naveed will break up with her again, blah blah blaaahauasubiuabrv. No one cares. Although, I am confused as to why Naveed's role has been cut down so much when he's one of the funniest ones.

I am enjoying that Jen is insistent upon calling her baby Jaques. That is genius. Well done scriptwriters, for once you've done something right. I laugh every time I hear the name. I just hope it was intentionally funny, otherwise... But I also love psycho bitch Jen. I love that she genuinely wants to kill Mr Cannon. Excellent. Slash, why is Annie's mum Jen's nanny? Crazy. But yeah. However, I know where this storyline is going and am enraged with it's terribleness. The End

Gossip Girl! Oh, Josh Schwartz. What's going on? I hope you've not completely lost your mind as is being currently being suggested on screen. Just awful. It's like the show has come back after the mid-winter break and all the story lines before have been forgotten. It's like a completely different show, which I'm finding hard to understand. Serena needs some sort of character make-over. I HATE HER! He genuine stupidity and naivety fills me with so much rage I'm close to smashing up my room. And her hair used to be so nice, but apparently, you don't need to brush it any more. It's chic to look as though you've been dragged through a hedge backwards, had your head stuck down a dirty toilet bowl and then left it for 3 weeks. Oh wait. BRUSH YOUR FUCKING HAIR! Eric, apart from being a completely different size of human to the rest of the cast, is also being an idiot. I know it's not his fault he's small, but when you've cast a 5' 10" blonde to play his sister, giving him appalling highlights that you get rid of after 4 episodes is not going to cut it. Poor casting. But I hate that just because Lily is trying to stay out of prison and not let the gay guy from Spin City buy her business, Eric's all like, "Oh, I need to buy drugs, no one's paying me any attention! Woe is me!" Idiot. No one cares about you any way, except Jonathan, who I genuinely feel sorry for. If Blair and Dan get together, I swear on the name of our Lord, Justin Bieber, that I will fly to New York and personally bitch slap Josh Schwartz. No no no no no no no! No friendship group is that incestuous. And Blair is way too good for Dan. Blair is the only good young one. Except for Nate, and that's only because he's beautiful; his story lines are really starting to grate and I have no idea what's going on with his hair. Chuck is a moron. I almost typed Mormon. That would have been humorous. Erm... I like Ben. Although, I judge him for loving Serena. He just looks so clean and adorable. But we all know he's going to be yet another psychopath. Tragic really.

Beauty and the Beast. Is it just me or is that man who goes round interviewing people a real tit? I know he's got a facial disfigurement, I know he must have had a hard life, I know that people must be horrible and prejudiced towards him, but does that really allow you to be a complete knob? I don't think so. I know he's been asked to go and speak to all these people in the fashion world and the advertising world and the music world about why we're so image obsessed, but realistically, I wouldn't buy clothes from me, let alone him. Especially him now he's turned out to be such an arse. There's no point being rude about it! It's not their fault! He irritates me beyond belief.

That woman was beyond hideous. Sarah, was it? Why, oh why, would you keep getting plastic surgery when it just made you end up looking like that? I don't think it helped that she clearly had no taste or any concept of her age. I mean, she says she's beauty obsessed, but her extensions were beyond matted, her hair colour of choice was yellow, her false eyelashes made her look as if she had lazy eyes, and her skin was awful. Wrap that up in pink PVC and I'm surprised people in the street aren't blinded. And that silver dress! She is the definition of space sausage. And her inability to even try and empathise with the other woman was quite shocking. I'm pretty sure the last thing poor old Susan wanted was to be turned into a glamour model. Bless. Nice idea though... Oh, wait. Sorry. I meant TERRIBLE idea. Quite possibly the worst idea ever. And her laugh is about as fake as Lea Michele's tears at the Golden Globes. Why do I watch shows that just end up making me angry? When I'm 30 and in a mental institution, this will be why. Damn you, Channel 4!

I think that's about it. I wish there was something new on. Scratch that, I wish I had Sky. That would solve all my problems.

Gegheads go Global

So I haven't blogged in about seven million years, mainly because after weeks of having something to spur my rage on a Monday, I find myself One Tree Hill-less and therefore uninspired. However, after missing Gossip Girl on Wednesday, I proceeded to catch up with it on Thursday, and my, oh my, do I have something to say...

But first things first; Justin Bieber Boyband rule all. Elton John week should surely be a week of excellence, after all, it's Queen Elton John III, Commander of the Globe. But alas. Jazzy Jeff managed to crucify a song that technically he should have been good at. Slash, Brandon Flowers rocked the pink blazer way back in 2004, he got stick for it then and his was Dior Homme not Primark and he was (and is) human perfection not a big fatty fatty fat fatkins. Traget Pajet went to lunch with David Suchet... Hmmm, rhymes... Erm... No. My point was this, he was alright, not great, but when Cheryl went, "That's not a song that I'm familiar with," I actually wanted to die. Don't admit on national television that you are not familiar with one of the most famous songs in the world. 'Crocodile Rock' is a classic, love. Oh, the shame...

Everyone else was average, even Matt and Rebecca. Matt should have sung 'Your Song' and even though Rebecca sounded amazing and looked amazing, 'Candle in the Wind' is quite possibly the most depressingly annoying song in the history of all time. She was wasted on it. But she quickly redeemed herself by using the term 'gegging'. Now for those of you who are not from Merseyside like yours truly, to geg is to put oneself in a situation in which they shouldn't really be. Allow me to contextualise. My friend was invited to a party, but she didn't want to go alone and so asked me to go with her even though I didn't know anyone and wasn't invited myself. I therefore felt as though I was 'gegging in' on the party. I was a 'geghead'. Rebecca felt as though she was 'gegging in' on the Harry Potter premiere. It's kind of like gatecrashing a suppose, but it was just excellent to hear a term I frequently use and am responded to in complete and utter confusion expressed on such a public platform. Prepare for gegging to go global.

I'm going to move swiftly away from the Harry Potter premiere as I had myself intended to go, wand in hand, but being the genius I am, managed to mix my days up. Missing my true loves; Curly Bieber, Asian Bieber and McFly... Not cool. But back to One Direction. THEY NAILED IT. Best performance of theirs by far, and easily the best performance of the night, hands down.

Xtra Factor was of course a total treat. Konnie is really starting to wind me up. Yes, I know I've been going on about how much she irritates me for the past few weeks, but tonight she really got me riled. "I thought Paije was really good last week, but actually, I'm not allowed to give an opinion, so just forget what I just said." Erm... You are clearly insane. What are you talking about? How are you still allowed to be doing this show? I don't ever remember you having this much trouble on Blue Peter. But the worst part was when she was sat with two members of McFly either side of her. I don't think I've ever seen an interviewer ever be so obliviously rude. Every time Danny started to voice an opinion, she would interrupt and turn her back to him to speak to Harry or Tom. Slash, Konnie, you're married and they have girlfriends, and are mine, hands off. Oh my God, I just remembered: "Everybody wants a bit of Zain". Or was it, "I'd like a bit of Zain" or something equally as inappropriate to that effect. Oh dear. McFly were hilarious though, as expected. And they want the Bieber Boyband to win. Applause.

Wagner or Katie will go I think, but I've been wrong every time so who knows/cares.

Gossip Girl. It was excellent; it's really getting back to season one good. And I love that. Chuck and Blair are excellent, Nate is as cute as ever, Lily Bass is still a hero and I'm actually intrigued as to what's going on. I think I posted my theory that jailbird Ben is the guy who went to prison for the murder of that guy that Serena 'killed'. I'm sticking with it. Although I'm probably wrong.

"You're worth so much more than any guest lecturer fee." Oh, Dan Humphrey, you charmer, you. With comments like that you could sweep any girl off their feet. I mean, seriously? They're actually scripting lines like, "you're worth so much more than any guest lecturer fee"? Embarrassing for everyone involved. And the best thing about it, was Serena was all like, "yeah, I know." Erm... stop being a filthy slag. And when she told Blair about Colin, and she was like, "You deserve better," and Serena was like, "Yeah, I know, he should totally give up teaching to be with me." Why should he? Why should he quit his job to be with you? Do you really hold yourself in such high esteem as to think men should just give up their entire lives just to spend an hour with you? Tone it down. And when he did quit his job for her, she then decided she didn't want to be with him after all! WHAT THE HELL?! So you make your would be boyfriend quite his job on the premise that you can be together and then dump him? Classy.

I'm most upset though about Colin leaving, he was so pretty. Slash, Vanessa is one crazy bitch. Obviously, she's always been this annoying idiot in the background causing aggro where there need not be, but she has cranked that crazy up about twenty five notches. I mean, she looked high for most of the episode. She's a genuine psychopath. Over Dan Humphrey as well. He's so irritating! I just... Never will I understand. Does he love Serena? Does he not love Serena? Why does everyone love Serena when she treats people like dirt?! Enraged.

What else..? Take That: Look Back, Don't Stare. Oh, Robbie. Oh, Gary. Oh, Mark. Oh, Howard. Oh, Jason. I mean, realistically, it was quite a boring documentary and failed to ignite any new excitement in me, but having said that, I don't think I could be any more excited than I already am. I'm at the stage where I'm literally shaking at the mention of them. Someone only has to say 'Take' and I'm a hideous mess on the floor. I'm a hideous mess on the floor by the time someone's make the 't' sound. God I love them. The thing is with programmes such as this, is that in a way, they ruin the magic. I don't want to see them fighting. I want to think of them as being bezzies, all having a laugh in the studio, cranking out some of the greatest songs of all time. The Flood is one of their best songs ever. It's unbelievable, and such a good song to relaunch themselves with. I love that Elton John just popped up in this too. In his Adidas trackie. It was an Elton John fest. I love how casual they are with him. I'm pretty sure Robbie called him 'El'. Gangster. He said it best though when he said, "I'm getting tears in my eyes seeing you all back together." It's such an emotional time. Such an emotional time. The dream I've had since I was five has finally come true. But even still, I felt like the documentary was just completely unnecessary; the process has been so highly publicised, we know everything there is to know, but I suppose it's always nice to hear what they have to say themselves. I just worship Gary Barlow. He's so talented it hurts. And I'm literally dying of anticipation for their performance tomorrow. I've said from the beginning that Simon would nail it, and he has. King of the World. Well done, Simon.

Until tomorrow, adieu.

Dear Josh Schwartz...

I love you. You gave me The OC, and for that I will be eternally grateful, but WTF?! You can try all you want to fool us with the pretty clothes and the sparkles and the money, but I see right through you. I mean, why are Serena and Blair even friends?! No! It would never happen! Get rid of Serena, I hate her. Seriously, just write her out. And get a new baddie! I'm sure Michelle Tratenberg is thrilled with the role, but does she really need to appear every third episode to 'stir it up'? Erm... let me think about that... NO!
Love from Alice.
PS. Bring back The OC.

The first episode of a new season is meant to be exciting, not a complete and utter snoozefest. Yes, it was in Paris. Yes, there were nice clothes, but even then most of them bordered on hideous. If Gossip Girl is good for one thing it's nice clothes, yet Serena insists, INSISTS on dressing like a complete slag all the time. WHERE WERE HER PANTS? Why is everyone in love with her? Why? Yes she is beautiful, but she is so far beyond annyoing it hurts. I can't even begin to go into how much she irritates me because I'll throw the computer through the window, run downstairs and stamp on it repeatedly. I have, however, been led to believe that the next episode is DA BOMB, which fills me with hope. But even if it was as tremendously boring as this episode, I'd watch it religiously anyway, just in fear of actually missing something good. I still have faith, Josh, don't you worry.