If you want to open a show well, open it with Take That. A-mazzzzzze-ing. How I love them so. Oh, Robbie. I love that none of it was about him. It was all about them as a band, and, if there hadn't been so much hype about them performing as a 5 piece, it would have been just like any other Take That performance. AMAZING!
Now, I know I have vowed to limit my Bieber talk. That is not going to happen this week I am afraid. That would be because he not only nailed the Grammys on Sunday, but he happens to be in this very country, right this second. He also happened to be at the Brits. Oh, Bieber. I, like the true loser that I am, sat and watched that God awful Dave Berry fronted red carpet programme on ITV2 before hand, just waiting for a glimpse of Bieber. And it was truly dreadful. Amazingly enough, through no fault of Bieber.
Dear Peter Andre, you are such a lovely man and I want so much for you to be good at something, but presenting is really not your thing, Love Alice. x
"Sorry, Justin. We're going to have to do that last question again because we weren't on. I thought I was presenting, but we weren't on air." Note to Andre, you are actually on air now... "Are we on yet...?" Yes Peter, you are on. "Yeah? Are we ready?" PETER YOU ARE ON WITH BIEBER! "Yeah? So, Justin, as an MJ fan yourself..." Dear God, Andre! Pay attention! Just awful. And Bieber was clearly in a rush to get in:
Andre: "Can you do the moonwalk?"
Bieber: "Not on carpet."
Andre: "What about the slide?"
Bieber: "Not on carpet."
Yes, one might say he was dismissive, others may say rude, but realistically, we all know Bieber doesn't tolerate such nonsense on national television. Come on, Peter, know your audience. Tragic.
Now, when Bieber got inside, that's when the magic truly started. I think you'll find that everyone in the world is either fascinated by or deeply obsessed with one Justin Drew Bieber. Take the fact that his name was mentioned about 25 times per minute throughout the entirety of the show. Facebook seemed awash with foolish folk thinking that James Corden, who did a very good job might I add, was ripping the shit out of a poor bewildered Bieber. Alas! I think, on closer inspection, you may be surprised to find that whilst Bieber may have been alarmed at the forward nature of Corden's comedy, he was totally in on the joke. This can be exemplified by the casual stroking of James Corden's face in response to being stroked himself. LOVES IT! Slash, if he really wanted to slag of Bieber, he would have slagged him off. "Oh, good one, James. Way to stick it to Bieber! Get him where it hurts! The hair!" Erm... No. The occasional joke about hairspray and collaboration with Mark Ronson is a weak attempt to offend, I mean, you could at least go for his height, or his intelligence. Therefore I have been lead to the conclusion that it was all in good faith. So more fool you Facebookers of the world. Double slash, if it was meant to be hurtful, you better watch out Corden. No one takes the piss out of Bieber except me. Got it?
I apologise. I sound like the sort of person that creates a Justin Bieber fansite, following him around the world, trying to get him to take a picture with the logo I spent 6 weeks painstakingly creating with my own blood, just to show my loyal followers that Bieber appreciates the hard work gone into running an online shrine to his greatness. I am not that sort of person. I just happen to be a greater supporter of nurturing the talent of today's youth.
And he won anyway! So screw you, fake Bieber haters! Casual kiss for Cheryl Cole as well on the way up. Such a smooth operator. Terrible speech though, JB. I mean, where was God's thank you? I thought it was important to always put God first? Or has the cynicism of the world of celebrity finally taken it's evil toll? Tragic. And bringing Mike on stage... Really? Is that what you really wanted to do? You brought all the jokes on yourself after that I'm afraid. Although, James Corden seemed to be the only one still enjoying the humour in that situation, again suggesting that he was paying awfully close attention to the actions of our favourite little Christian for someone who hates him. SLASH! Avril Lavigne. Who invited you? I wonder if they just thought that they needed someone Canadian to present Bieber with his award, to make him feel comfortable. Or whether she just turned up and walked on stage. I'm guessing the latter. Bless her.
I can't actually remember much else. I was in a Bieber haze.
Rihanna. How could I forget? Of course she was going to go off stage and take all her clothes off! Of course she was going to have tribal dancers. Of course she was going to sing every 9th word over the backing track, parading around with her thunder thighs on display. I have news for you Rihanna, you are not Beyonce. And your music is beyond irritating. And your acceptance speech for your award was more embarrassing than Bieber's. No need for shouting. Just a polite and sincere thank you would have sufficed. Oh God and Cheryl Cole presenting was painful enough as well. "My girl crush!" Really? She has no idea who you are, stop sucking up.
Oh, Robbie. I love that when Take That went up for their award, that the security man was trying to get Robbie to go a certain way, and he was having none of it. Excellent. Complete disregard for authority. There's the Robbie we all know and love. "SHABBA!" I have no idea why he felt the need to shout it twice, but it was funny. Oh, Mark Owen. Your thank you to Robbie was beyond adorable. God, they're so amazing. I love them. Have I ever mentioned that before?
What was most tragic about the whole evening was the unfortunate choice of closing song. Now, Ceelo himself was sounding great, singing the catchiest song in the entire world ever, but wait... What's that? Why is Paloma Faith entering in on a car? And why is she singing? Whoever came up with that collaboration is hopefully sat facing a corner in a rocking chair, smacking their head against the wall. Terrible. She wasn't so much harmonising as singing the song out of time and out of tune. I don't understand why he couldn't have just done it by himself. I know he's not British, but he won an award. And when they were walking down the catwalky bit of the stage and he stood on those stupid bits hanging off the side of her dress and ripped one off... Oh God. It was awful. Painful. I actually put my fingers in my ears. Such a shame, it was all going so well.
I'm glad they've changed it. The Brits have always been slightly embarrassing. And whilst it was still embarrassing, it all seemed slightly more credible somehow. But still. It was all about Bieber. Sorry.
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