Jason McCann

After vowing to all my Gods over the festive period that my New Year's resolution was to stop blogging about Justin Bieber, things have taken a slight turn for the worse...

Hello, welcome to a not so Bieber free 2011, although, with any luck, he'll just plague January with his Oscar worthy acting skills and a face that appears to be made of rubber, much like something one might see on a Baby Born doll. Only this month shall I talk about Bieber, and this month only. Until his new film comes out in April...

Anyhow. He was in CSI. I have known about this special guest star appearance for many months as we, being England, are painfully far behind the US for reasons I still don't understand. Obviously there was much hype over his appearance due to the fact that not only do pre-pubescent girls love Justin Bieber, they clearly also love CSI. How I have not blogged about this I don't know. I probably already have and have just lost my mind. In fact I'm sure I have. But here is the deal: once upon a time, I memorised the description of JB's character from something I read. It must have been on the internet as I'm pretty sure it wasn't in Harry Potter.

'Justin Bieber plays Jason McCann, a troubled teen with a difficult decision to make regarding his only brother.'


It did exactly what it said on the tin. Justin Bieber did play Jason McCann, a clearly very troubled teen who hung around with crazy old people in some Las Vegas dungeon or community centre or something who hated the authorities, and then had the most difficult of decisions in whether or not to tell the police, who had been nice enough to give him a Coke, where his brother was. I might mention at this point that his brother made bombs. They weren't just looking for him for fun. Hold on. Justin Bieber does not make difficult decisions. Being an under educated youth with a ludicrous amount of money that far outweighs his talent means that he has people to make difficult decisions for him. This contradiction of ideas is challenging me. I'm so confused. I don't even know who I am any more... NO! WAIT! He's acting! Of course. Sorry. Do you know what? I wouldn't be surprised if this role follows him for the rest of his life. It'll be like the cast of Friends or Sonia from EastEnders. He'll forever be known as Jason McCann, a troubled teen with a difficult decision to make regarding his only brother. Poor kid. Only just starting out and already typecast. Shame he's got nothing else to lean back on...

And get this! Many months ago, following the American broadcast of this televisual delight, Bieber himself tweeted that he would be returning in February to continue in his role as Jason McCann, a troubled teen with a difficult decision to make regarding his only brother. Although, I think they might have to come up with a new description as I'm pretty sure the blonde police woman, who is trying to convince herself that she is not ginger and still 25, shot him dead in a car park. Bieber was then shown in a red jumpsuit. Excellent choice, red really pops against his skin tone. I think he was meant to be smirking or hinting with his face that he was up to no good or knew furher information that would be helpful to the police, but instead gave his classic 'that's right, I may be a child but aren't I sexy' look which I'm sure made all the girls swoon. Except me. I almost vomited.

"Ralph was a good man, he was like a father to me and my brother." Clap, clap, clap. Oh, Bieber, such a good little actor. Little being the operative word. And his poor little voice. All scratchy and hilariously deep for the body it is coming out of. I think he's trying to go for husky. Someone must have told him that girls like husky. Sadly, it just sounds as though he's been recently strangled and is still trying to regain control over his vocal chords.

My favourite thing about Justin Bieber's acting is his ability to convey so many emotions without actually moving his face. Happy, sad, angry, confused. Imagine all those emotions portrayed on an expressionless face. A face that, through thick and thin, remained in pose as if the person it belonged to was slightly concussed and clueless of everything happening around them whilst showing no signs of injury. I SMELL EMMY PEOPLE! And the worst thing was, Bieber wasn't even the most appalling thing about this episode. That guy, I want to call him Nick, but I'm pretty sure I'm making that up because I really don't care enough to find out, was just terrible. 'Here Jason McCann, have a soda. We want to know where your brother is. Do you love your brother? Tell us where he is.' So well done, Bieber! You were great! (Considering...)

Whilst interviewing Jason McCann, Nick attempted a very interesting approach:

Bieber/Jason McCann: "Why aren't you wearing a vest? Where's your gun? I thought all cops had those."
Nick: "Well, I'm not wearing a vest because I'm not out on the field, we're not allowed guns in here and I'm not actually a cop, but I have an ID badge."

WHAT?! You're meant to be interrogating that little gnome to find out why his brother insists on blowing people up not having a nice chat. Except it's clearly not going to be his brother at all. It'll be him. You can't have Justin Bieber guest star and for him to play the brother of the mastermind. It took me about 25 minutes to realise that they were talking about a bullet proof vest (Jason McCann is clearly troubled in his schooling as well as his emotions) not just a vest for warmth or some sort of really attractive tank top. And if this Nick fellow isn't a 'cop' why in the name of all that's holy is he interviewing Jason FREAKIN McCann!? LUNACY! God, the police force have gone right down the nick... I'm not totally sure I like the idea of Bieber playing a delinquent. He's far too straight edge. He's far too clean and preened and nice. Although, he is the Original Man of Mayhem. But surely this is going to convince teens the world over to go out and bomb things. If Justin Bieber can do it, so can I. In fact, screw the stupid teens, I'm more worried for his impeccable reputation. Have I ever mentioned my theory that Justin Bieber is the modern day Christ...?

Whilst having slightly criticised this genius in collaborative, cross-medium art work, I might have actually run home to witness it. Realistically, I could have just watched it online as soon as it came out. But where's the fun in that?! Sprinting across London screaming Bieber's name is so becoming of me. Bieber's face on my TV screen is all that is needed for me to feel content. And slightly sick. But mainly content. I am not disappointed. Although I feel as though I don't care about any of the other characters and their obviously on-going story lines from previous episodes. If you're going to have Justin Bieber in something he clearly doesn't need to be in, use him. Milk his success for all it is worth. When I am in his entourage, that is exactly what I intend to do.

Two birds with one stone

Due to the fact that Ugly Betty and Seven Days were equally as perculiar, I'm writing about them in one post to save time and allow the frustration to flow.

I don't even know where to start with Ugly Betty. I don't even know why I watch it. Well, I started watching it because Vanessa Williams sang Colours of the Wind from Pocahontas and Eric Mabius had guest starred in The OC, but it was really good in the old days, when they were all fresh with ideas and Betty was truly hideous. (No one has braces for 4 years, no one.) The only decent thing about this episode was Mark and that was only really because he did a dance and then fell over. Not particularly innovative, but amusing nontheless. Wilhelmina was, of course, fabulous, as was Claire Meade who has bizarrely become my favourite character since Daniel went all soppy/lost his mind and sold his soul to the most pointless cult ever. I mean, they weren't even taking his money! Just drugging him for absolutely no reason! I am pleased that they've stopped dying his hair that awful orangey brown though, that was God awful.
Even though I know this is the last series of Ugly Betty, and for that I am quite relieved as I will no longer just watch it because I feel I have to, but I just don't know where it's going to go. I hear you, I could read spoilers online, but to be completely honest, I really couldn't care less. They've run out of ideas and realised the Betty is actually a really annyoing main character. They should bring that sexy one from CSI who taught Betty how to drive back for more episodes, that would make it a bit more interesting. Although, his storyline was that he taught Betty how to drive... Two words, SNOOZE   FEST.

Seven Days was the weirdest, most pointless show I've ever seen. I love reality TV, but all that this show proved was that MTV was right to script The Hills. People's lives really aren't that interesting. Slash, no one cares. If it was celebrities flashing the cash and doing crazy things for publicity, then yes, people would be interested. But it's not. It's just normal people, who, by the way, aren't even nice or funny in anyway, doing boring jobs or sitting on the sofa. No one wants to watch that! "Oh I'm too rich! Oh I'm too poor! Ohhhhhhhh a uigfbsarbvaeiubvrlksubeifvusb!" I don't care if it's meant to be all new, clever and innovative with the public interaction aspect, but I don't even know what people would comment on. Literally nothing happened. And it felt as if it was never going to end! What was with the lead up to the ad break? It seemed to just stop half way through someone's conversation. And more random people kept turning up. No one cares if that man can't get a mortgage for the flats he wants to buy. No one cares if those 'models' hate the dresses they're asked to wear. I couldn't even find comedy in the fact that one of them cried because the other one didn't like her hair. If that had happened to Lauren and Audrina, that would have been golden. The best bit in the whole show was when those guys were walking down the road looking all gansta and talking about the Pope, "Oh yeah, and he drives like that bulletproof Batmobile".

I just don't get it. In any way. I'm not even sure if there is anything to get. It is boring and stupid and Channel 4 should never have gotten rid of Big Brother. Fact.