Jason McCann

After vowing to all my Gods over the festive period that my New Year's resolution was to stop blogging about Justin Bieber, things have taken a slight turn for the worse...

Hello, welcome to a not so Bieber free 2011, although, with any luck, he'll just plague January with his Oscar worthy acting skills and a face that appears to be made of rubber, much like something one might see on a Baby Born doll. Only this month shall I talk about Bieber, and this month only. Until his new film comes out in April...

Anyhow. He was in CSI. I have known about this special guest star appearance for many months as we, being England, are painfully far behind the US for reasons I still don't understand. Obviously there was much hype over his appearance due to the fact that not only do pre-pubescent girls love Justin Bieber, they clearly also love CSI. How I have not blogged about this I don't know. I probably already have and have just lost my mind. In fact I'm sure I have. But here is the deal: once upon a time, I memorised the description of JB's character from something I read. It must have been on the internet as I'm pretty sure it wasn't in Harry Potter.

'Justin Bieber plays Jason McCann, a troubled teen with a difficult decision to make regarding his only brother.'


It did exactly what it said on the tin. Justin Bieber did play Jason McCann, a clearly very troubled teen who hung around with crazy old people in some Las Vegas dungeon or community centre or something who hated the authorities, and then had the most difficult of decisions in whether or not to tell the police, who had been nice enough to give him a Coke, where his brother was. I might mention at this point that his brother made bombs. They weren't just looking for him for fun. Hold on. Justin Bieber does not make difficult decisions. Being an under educated youth with a ludicrous amount of money that far outweighs his talent means that he has people to make difficult decisions for him. This contradiction of ideas is challenging me. I'm so confused. I don't even know who I am any more... NO! WAIT! He's acting! Of course. Sorry. Do you know what? I wouldn't be surprised if this role follows him for the rest of his life. It'll be like the cast of Friends or Sonia from EastEnders. He'll forever be known as Jason McCann, a troubled teen with a difficult decision to make regarding his only brother. Poor kid. Only just starting out and already typecast. Shame he's got nothing else to lean back on...

And get this! Many months ago, following the American broadcast of this televisual delight, Bieber himself tweeted that he would be returning in February to continue in his role as Jason McCann, a troubled teen with a difficult decision to make regarding his only brother. Although, I think they might have to come up with a new description as I'm pretty sure the blonde police woman, who is trying to convince herself that she is not ginger and still 25, shot him dead in a car park. Bieber was then shown in a red jumpsuit. Excellent choice, red really pops against his skin tone. I think he was meant to be smirking or hinting with his face that he was up to no good or knew furher information that would be helpful to the police, but instead gave his classic 'that's right, I may be a child but aren't I sexy' look which I'm sure made all the girls swoon. Except me. I almost vomited.

"Ralph was a good man, he was like a father to me and my brother." Clap, clap, clap. Oh, Bieber, such a good little actor. Little being the operative word. And his poor little voice. All scratchy and hilariously deep for the body it is coming out of. I think he's trying to go for husky. Someone must have told him that girls like husky. Sadly, it just sounds as though he's been recently strangled and is still trying to regain control over his vocal chords.

My favourite thing about Justin Bieber's acting is his ability to convey so many emotions without actually moving his face. Happy, sad, angry, confused. Imagine all those emotions portrayed on an expressionless face. A face that, through thick and thin, remained in pose as if the person it belonged to was slightly concussed and clueless of everything happening around them whilst showing no signs of injury. I SMELL EMMY PEOPLE! And the worst thing was, Bieber wasn't even the most appalling thing about this episode. That guy, I want to call him Nick, but I'm pretty sure I'm making that up because I really don't care enough to find out, was just terrible. 'Here Jason McCann, have a soda. We want to know where your brother is. Do you love your brother? Tell us where he is.' So well done, Bieber! You were great! (Considering...)

Whilst interviewing Jason McCann, Nick attempted a very interesting approach:

Bieber/Jason McCann: "Why aren't you wearing a vest? Where's your gun? I thought all cops had those."
Nick: "Well, I'm not wearing a vest because I'm not out on the field, we're not allowed guns in here and I'm not actually a cop, but I have an ID badge."

WHAT?! You're meant to be interrogating that little gnome to find out why his brother insists on blowing people up not having a nice chat. Except it's clearly not going to be his brother at all. It'll be him. You can't have Justin Bieber guest star and for him to play the brother of the mastermind. It took me about 25 minutes to realise that they were talking about a bullet proof vest (Jason McCann is clearly troubled in his schooling as well as his emotions) not just a vest for warmth or some sort of really attractive tank top. And if this Nick fellow isn't a 'cop' why in the name of all that's holy is he interviewing Jason FREAKIN McCann!? LUNACY! God, the police force have gone right down the nick... I'm not totally sure I like the idea of Bieber playing a delinquent. He's far too straight edge. He's far too clean and preened and nice. Although, he is the Original Man of Mayhem. But surely this is going to convince teens the world over to go out and bomb things. If Justin Bieber can do it, so can I. In fact, screw the stupid teens, I'm more worried for his impeccable reputation. Have I ever mentioned my theory that Justin Bieber is the modern day Christ...?

Whilst having slightly criticised this genius in collaborative, cross-medium art work, I might have actually run home to witness it. Realistically, I could have just watched it online as soon as it came out. But where's the fun in that?! Sprinting across London screaming Bieber's name is so becoming of me. Bieber's face on my TV screen is all that is needed for me to feel content. And slightly sick. But mainly content. I am not disappointed. Although I feel as though I don't care about any of the other characters and their obviously on-going story lines from previous episodes. If you're going to have Justin Bieber in something he clearly doesn't need to be in, use him. Milk his success for all it is worth. When I am in his entourage, that is exactly what I intend to do.