The Return of the Jedi

Hello there. How are you?

I understand that the title of this post may be most misleading. No, I shall not be ripping into Return of the Jedi, I was referring to my return to the world of 'blogging' - not that you could really call what I do 'blogging'; it's more ranting about unimportant things to no one in a public and highly embarrassing forum.

But alas. My absence stemmed from seeing Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 3D and being physically unable to write something that wasn't 'OMG! It waz amazin! I luv JB!' or something equally as chavvy and grammatically incorrect. Therefore I decided not to comment, although, I feel enough time has passed to say in all seriousness that it was amazing, surprisingly emotional and actually very inspiring. But that is it. The moment I start thinking about his grandad, this post goes to pot. Let's move on, quickly...

My absence was then extended by the realisation that no one actually cares what I have to say, and the fact that television has been so tediously dull, I couldn't actually find anything to say, even if people did care. I mean, Gossip Girl has been the same every episode. So has 90210. The Only Way Is Essex is even worse than last series, but again, there is nothing new to say. Don't even mention Glee. I'm going to start a petition to get E4 to show One Tree Hill as soon as it's shown in America. As torturous as watching it is, its genius provides many a topic for discussion. But I refuse to watch it online - it's not worth going that far.

However, 'William & Kate: The Movie' has given me inspiration worthy of One Tree Hill. In fact, I'm almost certain it was probably written by the same people. After briefly working on the DVD release as part of a spell of work experience, I felt as though I knew the film before I'd even seen it. Which, I suppose technically I did - I had read the script. Which took about 5 minutes despite it's length. That's how terrible it was. They should have gotten Sorkin on it. What's tragic is that they probably did try to get him. They were obviously deluded enough to think making it would be a good idea, I think they were probably in a mind space that suggested to them that Aaron Sorkin would love to be a part of such televisual history.

In fact, it has made history. As the most repellent piece of audiovisual material in the world. Don't get me wrong, it was freakin brilliant, but brilliant in the way that Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott can go from touring the world to organising the local school dance in the same day.

I enjoy that Kate has a slight American accent despite being played by an English actress who has lived in LA for about 3 days. I enjoy that Prince Charles has been made into a comedy character who is quite willing to admit never loving Diana to his own son. I enjoy the use of green screen to give the illusion of far off lands (particularly Africa). I enjoy the terrible use of photoshop. But most of all, I enjoy that Angus from Neighbours plays William's 'best friend'.

Angus from Neighbours. Do we all remember him? No? Let me refresh your memory. Angus met a girl called Rachel in a club. They got together. They 'fell in love'. About three days later, Rachel goes to school (she is a student after all) only to run into Angus. HE THE NEW TEACHER! So they dated secretly for a while, he went to jail, she kept going to visit him, Susan Kennedy begged him to stay away from her step daughter, he couldn't, he left, he came back, they got together again, they decided to run away. Rachel then decided that she didn't want to, so he let her out the car and drove away into the distance. Turns out he drove all the way to LA to land the role of Ian Musgrave. Wow. The only way really is up.

Luckily for Channel 5, I had Sky+ed this nonsense, meaning that I could fast forward the adverts. Had this not been the case, I would have switched over in the first break. I wonder how many people did that? Lots I'm guessing. It was just so grossly inaccurate. Not that I would be able to give you an accurate account of their relationship, but I am certain that almost none of what was portrayed in the 'movie' is true. God, I hope none of it is true. Otherwise I've just lost any respect I had for Prince William. Oh God, poor Harry. I hope the palace sues the production company. Jesus - why was Harry so disgustingly hideous and why was he so Northern? I get that he had 2 lines, but Christ - so ugly, so Northern. Apologies for all the Jesus references - Easter has clearly gotten to me.

OH MY GOD! KATE'S DAD WAS IN THE OC! The man who played Kate's dad played Holly's dad in The OC. He was the one who punched Jimmy Cooper at Cotillion. That's it. What else is there left to say? Nothing. There is nothing left to say.

BRILLIANT.
It's good to be back.

The Only Way Is Essex

For some reason I actually watched this show, and instead of writing about it straight away, I felt the need to sleep on it and decide whether it was worth actually commenting on. It is. But for nothing positive.

I assumed that it would be a full on reality show, in the same vein as The Hills, you know, a bit of scripting there, a bit of plotting there, but it turns out that the show is, or at least appears to be, completely acted. It's like they're trying to act out The Hills, but in Essex. I even thought maybe it would be like Living on The Edge, which I loved, but alas, it's more like Dream Team. (Remember Dream Team? It was my favourite show ever.) And now, because of this awful acting as though they're not acting, it makes the things they say even stupider. Like, genuinely idiotic. And it's not even funny. And I swear I recognise half the cast.

Can you sense my confusion?

I refuse to learn their names on sheer principal, so bear with me as I try and describe my favourite moments from the worst show I've ever seen in my whole entire life.

1. Vajazzling - Now, I think it's quite normal that I had never heard of this before, yet, when someone on the show questioned the process, they looked at them as if they needed shooting. I'm pretty sure that ITV are trying to trick people into thinking this is popular in Essex, when actually, it's not. If you, like me have never heard of Vajazzling, let me explain, using the words of the cast. "You have to wax your, erm... bikini area, into like a heart or somefink and den, obviously, you put loads of diamantes raaaaaand it." My favourite part of this sentence, apart from the fact that it sounds completely awful, is the use of the word 'obviously'. OBVIOUSLY?! How, in anybody's mind, would the next step OBVIOUSLY be diamanted minge? Seriously. I physically abhor them all. With every ounce of myself. Slash, one of them had someone's name tattooed on their bits too... I think it was Mark's name. Classy.
2. Mark - OK, I remembered his name, but I get the sense that he is meant to be the main character of sorts. He even looks pretty when he shuts up and ditches the leather sleeved blazer. But, oh my God, could he be any worse an actor? It's just cringeworthy. I think he thinks he's the Essex version of Stephen Beard from Living on the Edge; properly up himself. But then I remember that actually, this show is nothing like Living on the Edge, because whilst they were fed scenarios and possible phrases, this whole thing has been written like a soap. So 'Mark' is probably really Thomas from Manchester, recently married, trying one last time to fulfil his dream of becoming a star. It just doesn't work! Slash, could he flirt any more with his 'sister'? Ew. Not cool. And when he went to that shop, that looked like someone's basement, to look for a casual watch! He spent ages there looking at them all, then bought a £3,000 Rolex that he's wanted for ages. That doesn't make sense. He didn't know what he wanted when he entered the shop. These people blatently don't have the kind of money they're throwing around either. It's just embarrassing.
3. The one that used to go out with Mark - She is beyond hideous. If you insist on wearing a dress that small with a body that size you deserve everything that gets thrown at you, whether that be insults or bottles. Slash, why not actually buy a dress in the right size instead of pouring yourself into something that makes you look like some sort of space sausage. Idiot. And even though I couldn't give a shit about their relationship, when Mark sat her down at the end and said, "We either get back together properly or not at all. And properly means, I'm going to propose and everything," but in an even less romantic way that made it sound more like a threat, she was all like, "Nah, you and your ickle friend can do what you want. I need to break apart from ya." Hilarious. She spent the whole episode moaning about wanting him back and then turned him down. Ridiculous.

I think they were the only highlights. It was just an awful attempt at a show. I swear half the cast are from Family Affairs or something equally as abysmal. And I loved that every now and then, they'd bring in a mother or granny to talk to. I mean, that's just taking it too far. As if they are their real relatives. Nanny Pat came to do Mark's ironing. Why? Why do I want to see that? I don't, and that is why, despite the fact that ITV2 are showing new episodes twice a week, I will never ever watch it again.