The Return of the Jedi

Hello there. How are you?

I understand that the title of this post may be most misleading. No, I shall not be ripping into Return of the Jedi, I was referring to my return to the world of 'blogging' - not that you could really call what I do 'blogging'; it's more ranting about unimportant things to no one in a public and highly embarrassing forum.

But alas. My absence stemmed from seeing Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 3D and being physically unable to write something that wasn't 'OMG! It waz amazin! I luv JB!' or something equally as chavvy and grammatically incorrect. Therefore I decided not to comment, although, I feel enough time has passed to say in all seriousness that it was amazing, surprisingly emotional and actually very inspiring. But that is it. The moment I start thinking about his grandad, this post goes to pot. Let's move on, quickly...

My absence was then extended by the realisation that no one actually cares what I have to say, and the fact that television has been so tediously dull, I couldn't actually find anything to say, even if people did care. I mean, Gossip Girl has been the same every episode. So has 90210. The Only Way Is Essex is even worse than last series, but again, there is nothing new to say. Don't even mention Glee. I'm going to start a petition to get E4 to show One Tree Hill as soon as it's shown in America. As torturous as watching it is, its genius provides many a topic for discussion. But I refuse to watch it online - it's not worth going that far.

However, 'William & Kate: The Movie' has given me inspiration worthy of One Tree Hill. In fact, I'm almost certain it was probably written by the same people. After briefly working on the DVD release as part of a spell of work experience, I felt as though I knew the film before I'd even seen it. Which, I suppose technically I did - I had read the script. Which took about 5 minutes despite it's length. That's how terrible it was. They should have gotten Sorkin on it. What's tragic is that they probably did try to get him. They were obviously deluded enough to think making it would be a good idea, I think they were probably in a mind space that suggested to them that Aaron Sorkin would love to be a part of such televisual history.

In fact, it has made history. As the most repellent piece of audiovisual material in the world. Don't get me wrong, it was freakin brilliant, but brilliant in the way that Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott can go from touring the world to organising the local school dance in the same day.

I enjoy that Kate has a slight American accent despite being played by an English actress who has lived in LA for about 3 days. I enjoy that Prince Charles has been made into a comedy character who is quite willing to admit never loving Diana to his own son. I enjoy the use of green screen to give the illusion of far off lands (particularly Africa). I enjoy the terrible use of photoshop. But most of all, I enjoy that Angus from Neighbours plays William's 'best friend'.

Angus from Neighbours. Do we all remember him? No? Let me refresh your memory. Angus met a girl called Rachel in a club. They got together. They 'fell in love'. About three days later, Rachel goes to school (she is a student after all) only to run into Angus. HE THE NEW TEACHER! So they dated secretly for a while, he went to jail, she kept going to visit him, Susan Kennedy begged him to stay away from her step daughter, he couldn't, he left, he came back, they got together again, they decided to run away. Rachel then decided that she didn't want to, so he let her out the car and drove away into the distance. Turns out he drove all the way to LA to land the role of Ian Musgrave. Wow. The only way really is up.

Luckily for Channel 5, I had Sky+ed this nonsense, meaning that I could fast forward the adverts. Had this not been the case, I would have switched over in the first break. I wonder how many people did that? Lots I'm guessing. It was just so grossly inaccurate. Not that I would be able to give you an accurate account of their relationship, but I am certain that almost none of what was portrayed in the 'movie' is true. God, I hope none of it is true. Otherwise I've just lost any respect I had for Prince William. Oh God, poor Harry. I hope the palace sues the production company. Jesus - why was Harry so disgustingly hideous and why was he so Northern? I get that he had 2 lines, but Christ - so ugly, so Northern. Apologies for all the Jesus references - Easter has clearly gotten to me.

OH MY GOD! KATE'S DAD WAS IN THE OC! The man who played Kate's dad played Holly's dad in The OC. He was the one who punched Jimmy Cooper at Cotillion. That's it. What else is there left to say? Nothing. There is nothing left to say.

BRILLIANT.
It's good to be back.

So...

It would appear that Finn was dressed as a priest. This is quite possibly the best and more unexpected thing I have ever seen. He was dressed as a priest. A genuine priest. Excellent.

I am aware that it has been a while since I posted anything of any interest / anything at all. This is due mainly to the fact that there has been nothing new and/or interesting on TV this week and (probably more prominently) the fact that I have spent every last waking hour watching Entourage online. I think you will find that this is a much more reasonable and practical use of my time rather than actually doing the gigantic pile of work cursing me with its evil glare or socialising with members of the outside world, because apparently I don't live in LA and Vincent Chase isn't real. LIES!

But back to the fact that in the midst of the most painfully cringe-worthy piece of television ever created, Finn, the boy who is in fact about 36 and a completely different size of human to the rest of the cast, was dressed as a priest. AN ACTUAL PRIEST! See, they can go from Jerry Big Lips / Boris Johnson's illegitimate love child talking in embarrassing riddles (riddles, actual words... I have no idea what he's saying, I'm far too distracted by the unfortunate case of Elephantitis on the poor boy's face) that make me want to kill myself to absolute comedy genius, in the form of dressing an already humorous looking fellow as a member of the clergy. Congratulations, Glee! You win! I shall continue to torture myself with your appalling story lines and unfortunate head wear choices in the hope that one day, you will once again provide me with the optimum entertainment you managed tonight.

Glee

I genuinely despair at this show, yet it is so painfully addictive that I can't not watch.

Britney episode = genius. Realistically though, that was only because of Britney herself, Brittany and Santana. I hate Mr Schu. I mean, I actually want to throw him to the ground and press my knee into his throat until he suffocates. There is not one thing attractive about that man. Not one measly thing. He thinks he's Justin Timberlake. News flash, you're about 47 years old and JT has ruled pop since the age of about 6. Plus, forgetting the tragic incident in which he was forced to regress into his 15-year-old self for a part in "Best Picture", The Social Network, even JT has realised that hair like that is doing no one any favours. I HATE YOU! I hope his music career dies on its arse. Which it will.

Oh, and Lea Michele... After witnessing the genius that was Brittany nailing 'I'm a Slave 4 U' and making me vow to run for 5 hours a day whilst doing stomach crunches, then watching her nail it again with Santana, 'Baby, One More Time' was just embarrassing. OK, so I enjoyed the Britney miming, clever, but seriously, she needs to learn not to take herself so seriously. You're in Glee, not Schindler's List! (Apologies, but it was the most serious film I could think of off the top of my head). She and Finn make me so angry. How did he get cast. He's genuinely a different form of human compared to everyone else. I'm sure he's probably 6'2" or something, but he looks about 67 foot tall and about 6 foot wide. AND HE CAN'T DANCE! Please stop making the poor boy dance. Slash, he's about 35 as well. Rachel and Finn need some kind of serious character overhaul, because not only are they painful when they're on their own, but together they actually make me want to go outside and hurt children in the street. Just find something small and kick it until it cries. Hideous.

Apart from Brittany and her amazing abs, and Santana being amazing in general and the genius scripting that came out of both their mouths, there is one other thing that rescued this episode...

Two words: John Stamos. I love him. I genuinely adore that man, and what's even better about him is that when he's not casually saving lives of the people of Chicago, or helping to parent the Olsen twins, he's making Will Schuester look like even more of a dick than he usually does. He's so fabulous with his tan and his crisp shirts and that hair. Oh, John Stamos. What an icon.

I would just like to apologise for the poor quality of this post, I am currently watching Tool Academy, quite possibly the most excellent show ever, and getting distracted. My brain is torn between images of John Stamos and the tool that's just announced that he has kids with another woman despite swearing that he didn't to his girlfriend. Brilliant. John Stamos is winning amazingly enough. But I vowed I wouldn't watch this genius tonight due to the ridiculous lack of sleep from last night's poor attempt at an award's ceremony (that's right Golden Globes, I'm still enraged) but it's so humorous.

SLASH! It would appear next week's episode of Glee is about Jesus. Excellent.

Anyhow, I am now eagerly awaiting the torture that is 902106574836 tomorrow night. It's tragic that I've restrained myself from watching it all online so that I'd have something to look forward to during term time. Mr Schu and Annie 'I casually killed a man and no one cares' Wilson. Kill me now. Oh, wait. I've got John Stamos.