If you want to open a show well, open it with Take That. A-mazzzzzze-ing. How I love them so. Oh, Robbie. I love that none of it was about him. It was all about them as a band, and, if there hadn't been so much hype about them performing as a 5 piece, it would have been just like any other Take That performance. AMAZING!
Now, I know I have vowed to limit my Bieber talk. That is not going to happen this week I am afraid. That would be because he not only nailed the Grammys on Sunday, but he happens to be in this very country, right this second. He also happened to be at the Brits. Oh, Bieber. I, like the true loser that I am, sat and watched that God awful Dave Berry fronted red carpet programme on ITV2 before hand, just waiting for a glimpse of Bieber. And it was truly dreadful. Amazingly enough, through no fault of Bieber.
Dear Peter Andre, you are such a lovely man and I want so much for you to be good at something, but presenting is really not your thing, Love Alice. x
"Sorry, Justin. We're going to have to do that last question again because we weren't on. I thought I was presenting, but we weren't on air." Note to Andre, you are actually on air now... "Are we on yet...?" Yes Peter, you are on. "Yeah? Are we ready?" PETER YOU ARE ON WITH BIEBER! "Yeah? So, Justin, as an MJ fan yourself..." Dear God, Andre! Pay attention! Just awful. And Bieber was clearly in a rush to get in:
Andre: "Can you do the moonwalk?"
Bieber: "Not on carpet."
Andre: "What about the slide?"
Bieber: "Not on carpet."
Yes, one might say he was dismissive, others may say rude, but realistically, we all know Bieber doesn't tolerate such nonsense on national television. Come on, Peter, know your audience. Tragic.
Now, when Bieber got inside, that's when the magic truly started. I think you'll find that everyone in the world is either fascinated by or deeply obsessed with one Justin Drew Bieber. Take the fact that his name was mentioned about 25 times per minute throughout the entirety of the show. Facebook seemed awash with foolish folk thinking that James Corden, who did a very good job might I add, was ripping the shit out of a poor bewildered Bieber. Alas! I think, on closer inspection, you may be surprised to find that whilst Bieber may have been alarmed at the forward nature of Corden's comedy, he was totally in on the joke. This can be exemplified by the casual stroking of James Corden's face in response to being stroked himself. LOVES IT! Slash, if he really wanted to slag of Bieber, he would have slagged him off. "Oh, good one, James. Way to stick it to Bieber! Get him where it hurts! The hair!" Erm... No. The occasional joke about hairspray and collaboration with Mark Ronson is a weak attempt to offend, I mean, you could at least go for his height, or his intelligence. Therefore I have been lead to the conclusion that it was all in good faith. So more fool you Facebookers of the world. Double slash, if it was meant to be hurtful, you better watch out Corden. No one takes the piss out of Bieber except me. Got it?
I apologise. I sound like the sort of person that creates a Justin Bieber fansite, following him around the world, trying to get him to take a picture with the logo I spent 6 weeks painstakingly creating with my own blood, just to show my loyal followers that Bieber appreciates the hard work gone into running an online shrine to his greatness. I am not that sort of person. I just happen to be a greater supporter of nurturing the talent of today's youth.
And he won anyway! So screw you, fake Bieber haters! Casual kiss for Cheryl Cole as well on the way up. Such a smooth operator. Terrible speech though, JB. I mean, where was God's thank you? I thought it was important to always put God first? Or has the cynicism of the world of celebrity finally taken it's evil toll? Tragic. And bringing Mike on stage... Really? Is that what you really wanted to do? You brought all the jokes on yourself after that I'm afraid. Although, James Corden seemed to be the only one still enjoying the humour in that situation, again suggesting that he was paying awfully close attention to the actions of our favourite little Christian for someone who hates him. SLASH! Avril Lavigne. Who invited you? I wonder if they just thought that they needed someone Canadian to present Bieber with his award, to make him feel comfortable. Or whether she just turned up and walked on stage. I'm guessing the latter. Bless her.
I can't actually remember much else. I was in a Bieber haze.
Rihanna. How could I forget? Of course she was going to go off stage and take all her clothes off! Of course she was going to have tribal dancers. Of course she was going to sing every 9th word over the backing track, parading around with her thunder thighs on display. I have news for you Rihanna, you are not Beyonce. And your music is beyond irritating. And your acceptance speech for your award was more embarrassing than Bieber's. No need for shouting. Just a polite and sincere thank you would have sufficed. Oh God and Cheryl Cole presenting was painful enough as well. "My girl crush!" Really? She has no idea who you are, stop sucking up.
Oh, Robbie. I love that when Take That went up for their award, that the security man was trying to get Robbie to go a certain way, and he was having none of it. Excellent. Complete disregard for authority. There's the Robbie we all know and love. "SHABBA!" I have no idea why he felt the need to shout it twice, but it was funny. Oh, Mark Owen. Your thank you to Robbie was beyond adorable. God, they're so amazing. I love them. Have I ever mentioned that before?
What was most tragic about the whole evening was the unfortunate choice of closing song. Now, Ceelo himself was sounding great, singing the catchiest song in the entire world ever, but wait... What's that? Why is Paloma Faith entering in on a car? And why is she singing? Whoever came up with that collaboration is hopefully sat facing a corner in a rocking chair, smacking their head against the wall. Terrible. She wasn't so much harmonising as singing the song out of time and out of tune. I don't understand why he couldn't have just done it by himself. I know he's not British, but he won an award. And when they were walking down the catwalky bit of the stage and he stood on those stupid bits hanging off the side of her dress and ripped one off... Oh God. It was awful. Painful. I actually put my fingers in my ears. Such a shame, it was all going so well.
I'm glad they've changed it. The Brits have always been slightly embarrassing. And whilst it was still embarrassing, it all seemed slightly more credible somehow. But still. It was all about Bieber. Sorry.
Showing posts with label James Corden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label James Corden. Show all posts
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Saturday, 27 November 2010
X Factor Blog
Whilst I am aware that this is rapidly deteriorating into some sort of pathetic X Factor blog, until it ends, and they put something else decent on the television, I feel there is no end in sight for my hideously uninteresting ramblings about everyone's favourite reality show. Slash, I just want to turn my attention to the real X Factor blog...
xfactorblog.co.uk is quite possibly the least reliable website in the history of the internet. I'm more likely to trust spam email from the King of Nigeria than I am to trust the X Factor blog. It is always wrong. ALWAYS. And whilst I understand that there will be numerous sources involved in getting track information midweek and that acts always switch songs at the last minute, I hate, no, I abhor the fact that it gets my hopes up every week, only to send me into a never ending spiral of despair, ruining the overall X Factor experience.
First it told me that One Direction would be singing Justin Bieber. Now, I should have known it was going to be too good to be true, but still, when an idea that genius is put into your head, it's hard to shake, slash, my logic was that it was about bloody time. But of course, when they came out and sand Pink, I almost threw myself out my window. For one, that's not even a guilty pleasure, just a boring song. But the worst thing that X Factor blog have ever done to me happened yesterday...
I got in from having dinner with a friend to a stampede of flatmates running towards me filled with excitement. "I have the best news ever," my friend said. "Justin Bieber?" I enquired. "Better," she replied. What could be better than Bieber, I thought. "One Direction are going to sing The Killers on rock week!" OH. MY. GOD! I was hysterical. To the point of jumping up and down, whilst screaming. Of course, there was arm flapping, spinning, a general loss of control of my body, the norm. And so, for 24 hours, I managed to build and build my hopes of Justin Bieber Boyband singing Somebody Told Me, to the point where I was giggling secretly to myself in delight. Of course, when I checked X Factor blog today, I was sadly informed that they were not in fact singing The Killers, but Bryan Adams. Hmmmm... Now, I love Summer of '69, and they nailed it. Obviously. But, honestly, I was beside myself with disappointment. Just despairing of all that is good in the world. Slash, whilst they were good, I'm going to throw it out there and suggest they weren't as good as usual.
Of course, I still love them. And even though in the second song, only 3 of them sang, they were amazing. And when Simon was all like, "Oh, I'm so proud of you. Especially you Zain 'I'm too cool to dance' Malik, because I remember how embarrassed you were at boot camp and now look at you! And Harry 'from Cheshire' Styles, you chose the song and aren't you all great!" Could their faces have been any cuter from sheer joy?! Well, they're all Biebers, so of course they're cute. Slash, when Asian Bieber was all like, "I just love it so much and to come out here every week with my 5 best friends is just the best," I realised, that whilst he is so painfully beautiful it is actually ludicrous, he's only about 6 and probably didn't even finish learning how to count before being thrust into the lime light. Bless.
Erm... Katie was abysmal. ABYSMAL! I mean, the whole evening was a travesty. Cheryl, for once in her post-Ashley life, actually looked normal, but was she high or something? I mean, she was one step away from jazz hands. "My cute tootey, Cher!" What?! They are the actual words you are choosing to say? Seriously? Sure you don't want to think about it, before you not only embarrass your act, but yourself as well? Cher was awful. Avril Lavigne does not count as rock, and her little Lil Mama rap was not English. I swear she was just saying random words. "B, R, O, O, M...." Riiiiiiggggghhtttt... Didn't realise the song was about sweeping, but whatever.
Matt nailed the second song, Rebecca was quite boring in both, but better than last week, Big Fat Mary needs to go. You know what they should have done? They should have just made it U2 week, most of them sang their songs anyway. Oh, Christ! When Louis was going on about how proud Bono would be of them all. Jesus. I'm pretty sure Bono is drawing up a contract right now to ensure that his songs can never ever be used on the X Factor ever again. Just awful.
I'm going to suggest that whilst Thom Yorke would not think it was a great performance, no matter what Louis says, that it was actually Wagner's best attempt to date. I actually loved that Louis got the words completely wrong and was like, "It's winner, Simon, it says winner in the song." Erm... Pretty sure that's 'weirdo' Louis, but whatever you like to tell yourself to attempt to corner the guilt for putting Wagner into your final 4 when poor little Aiden Grimshaw gets sent home. Bastard.
Konnie Huq is still awful. Dermot is a hero. N Dubz are the biggest cringefest ever. Danny Dyer is the biggest knob ever, but hilarious. And he loves One Direction so that's fine. He gave his daughter his own name, so I'm not entirely certain as to how sound his judgement is. James Corden loves One Direction. Ron freakin Weasley loves One Direction. And that is all I learnt from this instalment of the Xtra Factor.
I don't think I could be more excited about Justin Bieber being on the results show tomorrow. The word on the grapevine is that he's either singing U Smile or Baby. I'm personally routing for a nice little medley a la the VMAs, the performance that sees us in the position we stand today. Good news is, it's probably quite reliable information, I didn't get it from the X Factor blog...
xfactorblog.co.uk is quite possibly the least reliable website in the history of the internet. I'm more likely to trust spam email from the King of Nigeria than I am to trust the X Factor blog. It is always wrong. ALWAYS. And whilst I understand that there will be numerous sources involved in getting track information midweek and that acts always switch songs at the last minute, I hate, no, I abhor the fact that it gets my hopes up every week, only to send me into a never ending spiral of despair, ruining the overall X Factor experience.
First it told me that One Direction would be singing Justin Bieber. Now, I should have known it was going to be too good to be true, but still, when an idea that genius is put into your head, it's hard to shake, slash, my logic was that it was about bloody time. But of course, when they came out and sand Pink, I almost threw myself out my window. For one, that's not even a guilty pleasure, just a boring song. But the worst thing that X Factor blog have ever done to me happened yesterday...
I got in from having dinner with a friend to a stampede of flatmates running towards me filled with excitement. "I have the best news ever," my friend said. "Justin Bieber?" I enquired. "Better," she replied. What could be better than Bieber, I thought. "One Direction are going to sing The Killers on rock week!" OH. MY. GOD! I was hysterical. To the point of jumping up and down, whilst screaming. Of course, there was arm flapping, spinning, a general loss of control of my body, the norm. And so, for 24 hours, I managed to build and build my hopes of Justin Bieber Boyband singing Somebody Told Me, to the point where I was giggling secretly to myself in delight. Of course, when I checked X Factor blog today, I was sadly informed that they were not in fact singing The Killers, but Bryan Adams. Hmmmm... Now, I love Summer of '69, and they nailed it. Obviously. But, honestly, I was beside myself with disappointment. Just despairing of all that is good in the world. Slash, whilst they were good, I'm going to throw it out there and suggest they weren't as good as usual.
Of course, I still love them. And even though in the second song, only 3 of them sang, they were amazing. And when Simon was all like, "Oh, I'm so proud of you. Especially you Zain 'I'm too cool to dance' Malik, because I remember how embarrassed you were at boot camp and now look at you! And Harry 'from Cheshire' Styles, you chose the song and aren't you all great!" Could their faces have been any cuter from sheer joy?! Well, they're all Biebers, so of course they're cute. Slash, when Asian Bieber was all like, "I just love it so much and to come out here every week with my 5 best friends is just the best," I realised, that whilst he is so painfully beautiful it is actually ludicrous, he's only about 6 and probably didn't even finish learning how to count before being thrust into the lime light. Bless.
Erm... Katie was abysmal. ABYSMAL! I mean, the whole evening was a travesty. Cheryl, for once in her post-Ashley life, actually looked normal, but was she high or something? I mean, she was one step away from jazz hands. "My cute tootey, Cher!" What?! They are the actual words you are choosing to say? Seriously? Sure you don't want to think about it, before you not only embarrass your act, but yourself as well? Cher was awful. Avril Lavigne does not count as rock, and her little Lil Mama rap was not English. I swear she was just saying random words. "B, R, O, O, M...." Riiiiiiggggghhtttt... Didn't realise the song was about sweeping, but whatever.
Matt nailed the second song, Rebecca was quite boring in both, but better than last week, Big Fat Mary needs to go. You know what they should have done? They should have just made it U2 week, most of them sang their songs anyway. Oh, Christ! When Louis was going on about how proud Bono would be of them all. Jesus. I'm pretty sure Bono is drawing up a contract right now to ensure that his songs can never ever be used on the X Factor ever again. Just awful.
I'm going to suggest that whilst Thom Yorke would not think it was a great performance, no matter what Louis says, that it was actually Wagner's best attempt to date. I actually loved that Louis got the words completely wrong and was like, "It's winner, Simon, it says winner in the song." Erm... Pretty sure that's 'weirdo' Louis, but whatever you like to tell yourself to attempt to corner the guilt for putting Wagner into your final 4 when poor little Aiden Grimshaw gets sent home. Bastard.
Konnie Huq is still awful. Dermot is a hero. N Dubz are the biggest cringefest ever. Danny Dyer is the biggest knob ever, but hilarious. And he loves One Direction so that's fine. He gave his daughter his own name, so I'm not entirely certain as to how sound his judgement is. James Corden loves One Direction. Ron freakin Weasley loves One Direction. And that is all I learnt from this instalment of the Xtra Factor.
I don't think I could be more excited about Justin Bieber being on the results show tomorrow. The word on the grapevine is that he's either singing U Smile or Baby. I'm personally routing for a nice little medley a la the VMAs, the performance that sees us in the position we stand today. Good news is, it's probably quite reliable information, I didn't get it from the X Factor blog...
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