"Oh, you're an idiot"

JUSTICE IS MINE!

After weeks of travelling up and down the country, campaigning my little heart out to get John out, Careworker, 29 has finally gone home! Andy Abraham has finally gone back to working the bins where he belongs. Who chooses to sing Kelly Clarkson because 'the song means so much to so many people', and then forgets the words?! Dick. It wasn't even in the right key! I think even his brilliantly fabulous sister, Felicia was embarrassed. And that hair...! Dear God. He was even an idiot on the Xtra Factor, 'I've taken it gracefully'. Erm... if you have to say it out loud, then you clearly haven't. Moron. 'There are a lot of pluses, and a lot of cons. There are lots of pros and cons." Thankfully,  no one will ever even have to think about him and his annoyingly small head and rubbish songs ever again. Even when he shows up in panto in Norwich or somewhere as 'John from X Factor', people will actually go, "Who?"

I did feel sorry for Treyc, although that dress was doing nothing for the tumour that's growing on her behind. She sang well though, and totally didn't deserve the bottom two treatment. I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky, if Wagner stays another week, I'm going to travel to the Boreham Wood Premier Inn and physically remove him from the country myself. It is just a shambles.

But the best thing about the main show tonight, even better than Michael Buble, was Simon Cowell's response to Belle Amie getting through. Oh my God, I have never seen a smugger face in all my life, and it was brilliant. Oh, Simon. How I love you so. It was the air punch I loved the most. He's usually so reserved when it comes to expressing his joy, there's usually a smug grin and a wink, but an air punch!? Simon, you spoil us. And when he clapped at Louis, he may as well have stuck two fingers up and waved them in his face screaming, "SCREW YOU, LOUIS!" I wish he had. But alas. Maybe next week.

Michael Buble, you are my hero. He could literally sing anything. And I love him. Of course, the performance was pretty average when compared to last year's 'Cry Me A River', which, I might add, is still on the Sky+ at home. Quite possibly the best performance of anything ever. And he came from his holiday to be there! He's so dedicated to the cause! What a hero. But when it came to the interview on The Xtra Factor, he made up for the not as good as last time performance sevenfold. What a genius, a genuine genius of all the geniuses. Konnie Huq, as I may have mentioned before, is not. This is why, when Michael Buble called her an idiot, I saw my life complete before my eyes. 

Understandably, she was a bit overwhelmed by the aura of the Buble, his beauty, his presence, his humour, but come on Konnie, you presented Blue Peter, professionalism should be your middle name. I shall now transcribe the interview as I remember it:

Konnie: "So, what's your guilty pleasure?"

Michael Buble: "Probably, Air Supply."

Konnie: "Air Supply, like air? I thought you were going to say chocolate or something..."

Michael Buble: "No, Air Supply the band. Sing sing sing sing sing sing. Ho ho ho."

Konnie: "A guilty pleasure is something you're embarrassed to love."

Michael Buble: "I know what a guilty pleasure is, bitch. Who's embarrassed about something they love or are passionate about? 'Oh, my guilty pleasure is chocolate', you're an idiot."

Now, I might have added the 'bitch' and I also understand that the 'idiot' was indirect. He didn't point in her face chant, "IDIOT! IDIOT!" It would have been excellent if he had, but he didn't. Yet, he said it. He said, "You're an idiot." He then proceeded to ask her to do some sort of hair flick, which ended with her with a mouthful of hair and Michael Buble smouldering into the camera. He is cool, she is not. Fact. "I'm learning all the time, even sitting here with you, I'm learning," Yeah, Michael, learning that she's an idiot. Learning how not to conduct an interview. There were so many things that went wrong on tonight's show I can't even remember them all. I should start taking notes so I don't forget.

Oh, Buble... You are the light of my life. And also, he blatantly loves One Direction.

Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber & Bieber

I have never in my life been so disappointed. For the past few days, I have been led to believe that Justin Bieber Boyband would actually be singing the Justin Bieber classic 'Baby'. I thought my life was complete. I thought to myself, "If I die on Sunday, at least the Biebers will have sung Bieber." But apparently, mid-week, 'it went wrong'...
Now, I'm not quite sure what 'it went wrong' means. I don't care how wrong it went, Pink is not an appropriate replacement for the hero that is J.D. Bieber. Not cool, Simon. But I don't believe a word of this. My theory goes henceforth: Simon has spoken to Bieber directly, as speculation is rife that J.B wants to be a judge on the American X Factor. In this conversation, Simon has mentioned The Boyband and arranged for Bieber to either be a mentor one week and go down in history as the most amazing X Factor mentor ever in the world, or join them on stage when they obviously make it to the final and nail it. Therefore, the song that 'went wrong' was actually so freakin' good, Simon wants to save it. God I hope I'm right... If not, I have one other plan that will be acceptable to me. If they make it through to the final, and by if I mean when, they should bring Usher back and get The Boyband to perform Somebody To Love. Now that would be brilliant.

Slash, Bieber, I know you read this, I know you're my biggest fan. Get them to support you on your next tour. I'm telling you, the girls would go wild and you might actually get people older than 5 to sit through your concerts.

Let's discuss the others. Cher Lloyd is such a hideous mess it makes me want to strangle her with her own matted extensions. She's just a filthy gypo with a face full of make-up that's asking for a slap. A very dear friend of mine put it so eloquently when she texted me the following: "If I pooed on stage, it'd be better than Cher." This  statement rings the beans of truth more than anything else I have ever heard.

Dear Careworker, 29,
You can blame the 'distracting' dancers all you want, you are still shit,
Love Alice. x

What is with that hair? How did his hair grow so quickly since last week? If they gave him some sort of weave/hair piece I will actually vomit. It was like some sort of hair hat. It was reminiscent of some sort of 90s footballer. He is an idiot and he will never ever ever win this show. I'd never even heard his song either. Did any of the judges actually get the memo about this week's theme? They just sang random songs. Matt's was the only one that made sense, but we'll get to him later...

Paije was soooooooo dull, but it's nice to see he's already preparing for his future career at Butlins.

Big Fat Mary is even getting on my nerves now. Chicago is calling my love.

Aiden was better than last week, but was still pretty poor. I feel sorry for him, peaking so early and all, but I just want him to pull it back so much! Come on, Aiden! I never thought I'd ever say this, but I don't think he's feeling the music quite enough... I'm not sure I really mean that, so don't read too much into it.

Katie, Katie, Katie... No matter how much the judges praise her for her performances and declare how nice she is, she will always be hated because she says stupid things and is clearly just an attention whore. Slash, I take issue with The Jungle Book being a 'guilty pleasure'. There is no guilt involved in whole heartedly adoring a Disney classic. And I swear she's putting that whispy voice thing on. Go home, Katie.

Treyc is still having a hard time spelling her name but sang well. Slash, as if Whole Lotta Love is a 'guilty pleasure' either. It's going to be so much better when there's less people and the themes are set in iron-clad stone and then padlocked seven times and locked in a safe. No one can escape it then.

Erm... Rebecca was un-freakin'-believable. I loved everything about it. She's so good, so lovely and looks amazing. She could so totally win, if it wasn't for Matt...

He absolutely nailed it. In every way. Genius song, genius staging, genius guitar, nice arms... He was outstanding. It actually saddens me that he's so good because that ruins One Direction's chances.

I almost forgot about Belle Amie. As if they sang a song that Girls Aloud covered and tried to pass it off as a guilty pleasure in front of Cheryl. Slash, Louis Walsh: Simon is obviously giving One Direction all the attention because Belle Amie are shit and are never going to win. One Direction are freakin' awesome and so pretty and lend themselves perfectly to Bieber related nick-naming. As if Belle Amie could have nick-names like that.

I'm not even going to discuss Wagner on principal. Tool.

Is that them all? I don't even care. There are still too many of them to fully process.

Also, why has Cheryl convinced her category to dye their hair the same hideous colour as her own? Is it some  attempt at subliminal marketing? Because it's far from subliminal. More painfully obvious and random.

Two words... Michael Buble. I had been led to believe that Rihanna was performing alongside Cheryl tomorrow night and was hideously disappointed because I hate her with the most intense of passions. So when Dermot announced that it would be Buble, I literally screamed at the top of my voice, flapping my hands around my face as tears uncontrollably ran down my face. A slight over reaction perhaps, but nevertheless, as the proverb goes; Buble is Buble and Buble is God.

Slash, if Konnie Huq makes the same joke about the government taking away and the Xtra Factor giving back, I'm going to actually hunt her down and kill her violently in her sleep. I know it's probably not her fault, but still, she should shoot the writers for what they make her say.