Better late than never

So I realise that I have not written/complained about the X Factor final. This is for several reasons. I have been in a foreign land, but also, I don't actually think I have come to terms with the result. Let's be realistic, One Direction should have won. I have loved Matt from the beginning though, and I did say he would win in the end. But... I also said that One Direction would nail it. And they did.

I'm not going to describe every last detail and judge everyone, because it took place about 25 years ago and everyone is over it now. Except me. I watched the final on YouTube, which was anti climatic to say the least. I also had the result ruined for me by a once so called 'friend' who I am now no longer speaking to. Friends don't ruin the X Factor result. Anyhow, I have just watched the whole thing on the good ol' Sky+ and have come to the conclusion that not only should One Direction have won, but Matt certainly shouldn't have won, purely based on those yellow trousers. He should have been sent to Azkaban for that outfit. Maybe he was Imperiused...

I am beside myself with grief. Grief that will last forever more. Or at least until One Direction release their first single. I cannot believe that their winners' single would have been Forever Young. This would appear to be to be a sign that they should have won and also be my best friends as this was Ryan and Marissa's song in The OC. Coincidence? I think not. I think Simon realised that I would be hunting to kill once he didn't get Bieber and had to do something to stop me coming after him. It worked. I just wish that they had the opportunity to release it. Rebecca's was abysmal. Just awful. Matt's could have been better too. Having said that, Simon also managed to put Bieber in the background of their 'best bits' montage. I took it as a nod to me personally for my support. You're most welcome, Simon.

At least now, I suppose, I can try and reforge my life. Although it will be hard carrying this devastation around with me. I'll be like the Ancient Mariner with his albatross of guilt, but mine will be a necklace of 5 Biebers, each with tears in their eyes, dragging me down and reminding me of my betrayal of not staying in the country to vote for them. How the weight haunts me of my sin.

Farewell X Factor. Farewell Justin Bieber Boyband. I look forward to our next encounter, but 'til then, I bid you good day.

DISCLAIMER: I did have votes cast for One Direction on my behalf. The issue was that the person issuing these votes on my behalf stabbed me in the back by also voting for Matt. If I had been in England, One Direction would have won. For this, I am eternally apologetic. Please refer to my section on the Ancient Mariner for further understanding of this guilt.

Original Man of Mayhem

DISCLAIMER: Do you want to know what's tragic? I wrote about 1000 words on the how this night has changed my life, how one 16 year old has influenced my soul, and shaped the person I'm going to be. Then, I somehow managed to delete the whole fucking thing. So now, if the following sounds as though my passion for Bieber is dying, don't believe it. It'll just be the self loathing seeping from my words, tainting my love as I attempt to remember the genius I created before.

Only one man, sorry, child can get away with declaring himself the Original Man of Mayhem and that man, sorry, child, goes by the name of Justin Drew Bieber.

If I told you that all my dreams came true tonight, would you judge me? I judge myself, I don't know what I'm talking about. It was just incredible.

I don't even know where to begin. Genuinely, I don't. The boy is a God, a hero, a genius. I mean, I hate to blow my own trumpet, but not only did I predict a Bieber appearance, but I did say that he'd sing a medley of his hits...

I'm just about calming down as I write this, mainly after I was brought smack down to earth by being a technological retard, but I'm still hyped. In a serious, medically concerning sort of way. I cannot even begin to attempt to explain the hysteria that filled every inch of my flat tonight. If I tried, I would fail. There was physical shaking, screaming, arm flapping, jumpers being taken off due to an overwhelming increase in body temperature, fits of giggles, tears of sheer joy, hyperventilating. That sort of thing. By hysteria, I mean hysteria. It's even harder trying to explain it now after having written it once so eloquently. You know, I was right in that head space and now I'm so full of rage with my computer that I can barely string a sentence together, let alone one about the hero that is J. D. Bieber.

So after last time going on about how this is becoming an X Factor blog, it would now appear I have created some sort of Justin Bieber fansite. A shrine to Bieber for the over 5s. I feel like one of those morons who are obsessed with Twilight and write fan-fiction about Cedric Diggory pretending he's a vampire and falling in love with them. I promise it will stop soon. Just not tonight.

As soon as he came on I knew he was going to sing Somebody to Love. I knew it. I could sense it. I just... I just... Oh, Bieber. Words fail me, and for once, in a good way. What makes it all even better is that I've just remembered that The Wanted were on before. I had genuinely forgotten they'd even shown up. There was no need for them. Bieber blew them out of the water. Failures.

I believe that the first thing I ever posted on here was a description of Justin's performance on the VMAs. What was so great about tonight, was that it was almost identical. Let's not mention my failure to procure tickets to his tour...

Here is a list of reasons I loved Justin Bieber's performance so much tonight:

1. The fact that he sang Somebody to Love, my personal favourite.
2. The dance break. God, I love me a dance break. And so seamlessly into Baby.
3. The sick dance moves in general. That kid can throw some serious shapes.
4. He did my favourite dance. Twice.
5. He mimed his way through the entire performance. Not only did he mime, but he did it so unashamedly.
6. The fact that his excuse for lip syncing was that his vocal coach told him that if he sang live it would damage his voice forever.
7. That jacket. 'J. Bieber: Original Man of Mayhem'. Genius.

And after the greatest performance of all time came the greatest interview of all time. You forget that, because he's the coolest most bad-ass human to ever walk the earth, he's actually 8 and never finished school. So when he talks, it's slightly disappointing. Nevertheless, he completely bypassed all of Dermot's questions just to start chatting up Cheryl Cole. Wow. I mean, the wave, the wink, the internationally recognised sign for 'call me'. We all know she ran straight back stage to get his number. And who can blame her? He's a genuine God amongst men. I wonder if the Jews know that the messiah has arrived, and he hails from Stratford, Ontario? 

Oh yeah. In the midst of all the Bieber Fever, I found myself forgetting, slash, completely not caring, that it was the results show and that Katie and Wagner went. Big deal. Everyone knew they would. Although I was scared for One Direction at one point. Who leaves them to the end? That's just toying with people's emotions. Highly unnecessary.

Before I forget, I've checked Bieber's schedule and he's available on Decemeber 11th, the date of the X Factor final. I'm not suggesting anything, but coincidence? I think not...

Slash, it would appear that Nicole Scherzinger has been possessed by the spirit of Michael Jackson. We know how you speak! Who are you trying to kid? That weird, spaced out, high pitched nonsense? Not having it love. 

Anyway, onto the important stuff. In what world is it just that Konnie Huq gets to meet Justin Bieber and I don't? I bet he's the cockiest little bastard ever, and for that I love him more. I bet he was all like, "One what? One Direction? Nah, mate, I'm off to the bar." See, I'm so much more deserving than she is. I genuinely don't think she could have been more patronising if she tried. I can't remember much of what he said, mainly because the majority of what comes out of his mouth doesn't actually make sense, what with him being an undereducated youth and all, but whilst academically challenged, that boy is wise beyond his 7 years.

Konnie: "Do you have any advice for the contestants on how to deal with the fame and the pressure?"

Justin Drew Bieber: "Errrrrr... Yeah... You know... Just. Errrrr... Just remember where you came from, and you know... You... You gotta put God first, you know..."

Preach it, JB! So deep, so wise. There's something so normal and comforting about a 5 year old international sensation preaching the word of the Lord. Excellent. I know that that advice is sticking with me for the rest of time. Always put God first. I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

But don't interrupt him whilst he's eating. Just don't. I think it might actually be in the Bible. Let me check... Ah yes: Thou must not disturb Bieber at the table. It's the secret 11th commandment.

I'm also pretty sure Konnie managed to make some sort of comment about schizophrenia in regards to Katie whilst in conversation with Dr Karl Kennedy and The Hoff which I couldn't let slide.

But now, I'm actually sitting, waiting with bated breath for the first picture of One Direction with Justin Bieber to come out. I have to see it with my own eyes. It will be printed off and framed immediately. I need it.

Oh, Simon. How well you have done. The whole show was dominated by a single child from the depths of Canada. No one even cared about the elimination! Loves it! Everyone's just slagging off Bieber on Twitter. Excellent.

I leave you with a link to the greatest performance of all time. Maybe the second greatest, I mean, there's no drum solo in this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEXAXsroBgE 

X Factor Blog

Whilst I am aware that this is rapidly deteriorating into some sort of pathetic X Factor blog, until it ends, and they put something else decent on the television, I feel there is no end in sight for my hideously uninteresting ramblings about everyone's favourite reality show. Slash, I just want to turn my attention to the real X Factor blog...

xfactorblog.co.uk is quite possibly the least reliable website in the history of the internet. I'm more likely to trust spam email from the King of Nigeria than I am to trust the X Factor blog. It is always wrong. ALWAYS. And whilst I understand that there will be numerous sources involved in getting track information midweek and that acts always switch songs at the last minute, I hate, no, I abhor the fact that it gets my hopes up every week, only to send me into a never ending spiral of despair, ruining the overall X Factor experience.

First it told me that One Direction would be singing Justin Bieber. Now, I should have known it was going to be too good to be true, but still, when an idea that genius is put into your head, it's hard to shake, slash, my logic was that it was about bloody time. But of course, when they came out and sand Pink, I almost threw myself out my window. For one, that's not even a guilty pleasure, just a boring song. But the worst thing that X Factor blog have ever done to me happened yesterday...

I got in from having dinner with a friend to a stampede of flatmates running towards me filled with excitement. "I have the best news ever," my friend said. "Justin Bieber?" I enquired. "Better," she replied. What could be better than Bieber, I thought. "One Direction are going to sing The Killers on rock week!" OH. MY. GOD! I was hysterical. To the point of jumping up and down, whilst screaming. Of course, there was arm flapping, spinning, a general loss of control of my body, the norm. And so, for 24 hours, I managed to build and build my hopes of Justin Bieber Boyband singing Somebody Told Me, to the point where I was giggling secretly to myself in delight. Of course, when I checked X Factor blog today, I was sadly informed that they were not in fact singing The Killers, but Bryan Adams. Hmmmm... Now, I love Summer of '69, and they nailed it. Obviously. But, honestly, I was beside myself with disappointment. Just despairing of all that is good in the world. Slash, whilst they were good, I'm going to throw it out there and suggest they weren't as good as usual.        

Of course, I still love them. And even though in the second song, only 3 of them sang, they were amazing. And when Simon was all like, "Oh, I'm so proud of you. Especially you Zain 'I'm too cool to dance' Malik, because I remember how embarrassed you were at boot camp and now look at you! And Harry 'from Cheshire' Styles, you chose the song and aren't you all great!" Could their faces have been any cuter from sheer joy?! Well, they're all Biebers, so of course they're cute. Slash, when Asian Bieber was all like, "I just love it so much and to come out here every week with my 5 best friends is just the best," I realised, that whilst he is so painfully beautiful it is actually ludicrous, he's only about 6 and probably didn't even finish learning how to count before being thrust into the lime light. Bless.

Erm... Katie was abysmal. ABYSMAL! I mean, the whole evening was a travesty. Cheryl, for once in her post-Ashley life, actually looked normal, but was she high or something? I mean, she was one step away from jazz hands. "My cute tootey, Cher!" What?! They are the actual words you are choosing to say? Seriously? Sure you don't want to think about it, before you not only embarrass your act, but yourself as well? Cher was awful. Avril Lavigne does not count as rock, and her little Lil Mama rap was not English. I swear she was just saying random words. "B, R, O, O, M...." Riiiiiiggggghhtttt... Didn't realise the song was about sweeping, but whatever.

Matt nailed the second song, Rebecca was quite boring in both, but better than last week, Big Fat Mary needs to go. You know what they should have done? They should have just made it U2 week, most of them sang their songs anyway. Oh, Christ! When Louis was going on about how proud Bono would be of them all. Jesus. I'm pretty sure Bono is drawing up a contract right now to ensure that his songs can never ever be used  on the X Factor ever again. Just awful.

I'm going to suggest that whilst Thom Yorke would not think it was a great performance, no matter what Louis says, that it was actually Wagner's best attempt to date. I actually loved that Louis got the words completely wrong and was like, "It's winner, Simon, it says winner in the song." Erm... Pretty sure that's 'weirdo' Louis, but whatever you like to tell yourself to attempt to corner the guilt for putting Wagner into your final 4 when poor little Aiden Grimshaw gets sent home. Bastard.

Konnie Huq is still awful. Dermot is a hero. N Dubz are the biggest cringefest ever. Danny Dyer is the biggest knob ever, but hilarious. And he loves One Direction so that's fine. He gave his daughter his own name, so I'm not entirely certain as to how sound his judgement is. James Corden loves One Direction. Ron freakin Weasley loves One Direction. And that is all I learnt from this instalment of the Xtra Factor.

I don't think I could be more excited about Justin Bieber being on the results show tomorrow. The word on the grapevine is that he's either singing U Smile or Baby. I'm personally routing for a nice little medley a la the VMAs, the performance that sees us in the position we stand today. Good news is, it's probably quite reliable information, I didn't get it from the X Factor blog...

JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER

My life is now complete.

Mr Justin Drew Bieber will be sharing the stage with his 5 doppelgangers; Original, Curly, Asian, Other and Louis Walsh's Son/Kian from Westlife. Did you ever believe this day would come?! I mean, I knew Simon would nail it, but after they failed to sing Bieber in guilty pleasures week, I began to slowly lose hope/the will to live.

The revelation came much like this:
Dermot: "Next week, we have some very special guests..."
Us: "I wonder who it will be!"
Dermot: "The Wanted will be here!"
Me: "I fucking hate The Wanted, great. I can't believe they're on, they're rubbish, I'm so angry."
Dermot: "Teen sensation, Justin Bieber will be right here on this stage..."
Us: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! BIEBER! BIEBER!"
Me: "I HAVE TO CALL EVERYONE I KNOW!"
Unidentified female flatmate: "NO WAY!"
Unidentified male flatemate: "MY LIFE IS COMPLETE"
Us: "MINE TOO!"

20 minutes later...

Us: "JUSTIN BIEBER!"

The hysteria has just about died down. Just. Not only is it the fact that Justin Drew Bieber is a gangsta, it's the fact that the Justin Bieber Boyband will meet Justin Bieber. There will be photographic evidence of all the Biebers all together. I seriously don't think I can handle that much Bieber. It's too much! Way too much!

I mean, it's obvious now what's going to happen isn't it? When Justin Bieber Boyband get into the final, you know exactly who Simon will be on the phone to. YES, YES, YES! The plan has fallen so perfectly into place, I'm actually quite scared as to how accurate I have been about this whole situation. Maybe Simon can sense my vibes. Or maybe the combination of Harry Styles and Justin Bieber is sending me straight to a mental institution. Who knows?

I suppose we best mention poor Tragay Pajay. Let's be honest, he was never going to win. I loved that Cher was in the bottom two though. She needed that knock. Slap that gypsy snarl off her fluorescent skin. How, in the name of all that is holy and good, can Wagner still be in the competition? Oh wait, I know, Cheryl was a proper bitch to him and the public did it to piss her off. GOOD! I was genuinely shocked and appalled at her comments. "I believe you've been saying stuff about me in the press, that I come from a council estate..." Firstly, Cheryl, that's true my love. And secondly, the poor man can barely speak the Queen's English. Most of the time he has no idea what the hell is going on, he just stands there with a stupid smile on his face and his dangly earrings resting on his chest. Majorly unprofessional, majorly inappropriate, and you therefore earned yourself Cher in the bottom two. Deal with it. The worst thing about it was that she didn't even apologise. Every other sentence out of that woman's mouth is, "Don't believe everything you read in the press," and there she is publicly humiliating poor old innocent Indian Chief Wagner. Not cool, Cheryl. Not cool. Maybe if you sorted your outfits out he'd be a bit nicer next time an undercover reporter is misquoting him.

Erm... Katie's hair. Words fail me. She actually sang really well. Horrible arrangement. But really well. I was far from impressed when she made it through though. But realistically, we all know who's going to win, so who cares any more? If I hear any more Emma Watson comparisons I'm going to lose my mind. I can't stand either of them, putting them in the same sentence is just infuriating.

Obv, One Direction nailed it. Not as good as Elton John week, but they still nailed it. Perfectly. Rebecca was a let down, in terms of outfit and performance. I do feel sorry for her though, all the hopes and dreams of Liverpool were pinned onto the poor girl. Slash, I thought she'd nail it. Nail it for scousers everywhere. Tragic.

Can I quickly just say that Steven Gerrard is not only a local hero, but a genuine hero of our times. What a legend. "Ahhhh, maayyyttteee, meeee kids are, lyyyyke, roooooouuutin' for uuuuuse lot, bu' I lyyyyke Rebecccccca, uuuuuuse know, cozzzz, weeeeze bot' from Liverrpoooool." I LOVE HIM! Shaking hands with One Direction, AMAZING!

Justin Bieber.

What else... Oh, I loved it on ITV2 when they were showing how all the contestants get ready for the show and Dermot was like, "I usually listen to a Killers song." Hero. Genuine hero. He knows what's right. Such a shame Konnie Huq does not.

Oh, Cheryl...

It didn't work for Mel B, why would it work for you? Her hair was so not cute. Oh, just awful. What's going on, Cheryl?! You had such beautiful hair and now... Well... I don't even know what to say... Just, awful. I think it was meant to be some sort of bow, but it just looked like she could have been an extra in the video for Spice Up Your Life.

But the fact that Aiden was eliminated makes me want to kill myself. Erm... British public, hello? What's going on? Wagner in, Aiden out? Let me tell you something: Wagner is not funny. You clearly have no sense of humour whatsoever. At all. Nil. Wagner is NOT funny. I'm hilarious, I would know. Of course, I didn't vote; I'm not going to waste my money on such rubbish. BUT I WILL NOW! I will not rest until justice is mine! And Katie Waissel? I despair. She sang fantastically on her save me song, but her career is not going to be built on save me songs. Unless her first album is 'Katie Waissel: Songs that Saved Me' in which case, I would personally buy them all just to burn them in a bonfire the size of China. And what's going on with her hair? She's got none left! Why haven't they stripped it?! Or at least given her an everyday wig? Dear God. I get that she can sing, I actually like her voice, but I would never buy anything she released, mainly because she's so false it actually causes me heart palpitations. And when she was trying to hug Aiden when they were in the bottom two?! GET OFF HIM! HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR FALSE SYMPATHY BITCH! Oh, poor Aiden Grimshaw, he's so adorable. He clearly doesn't like her, which is hilarious. I don't think any of them actually do. Simon is clearly out of his mind. She must be his secret niece or something. WAIT! So now, not only is she ruining my life every week, having McFly support her and getting to spend every waking minute with the Bieber Boyband, she's now stealing my dream of being Simon Cowell's niece?! Not cool, Waissel. I'd watch your back if I were you...

Is it just me, or has no one else ever heard that JLS song? I mean, I knew they were doing the Children in Need single, but I'd never heard it, and I still couldn't tell you how it went. I genuinely didn't understand a word they were singing. Instead, I found myself shouting, "Do a flip! Bust a move! Take your top off Marv!" That kind of thing, because it was so dull.

Westlife on the other hand... Amazing. I love Westlife. They nailed it. The best thing about Westlife is that every single song follows the same formula. There are two verses, with a chorus at the end of each, followed by a middle eight which builds and builds and builds to a phenomenal key change with pyrotechnics and a momentous step forward. That is the formula that will make me die.

But Take That... OH. MY. GOD. I was so nervous for them. And by them, I mean Robbie, because I knew he would be terrified. But, wow. He was unbelievable. And he looked so happy! They all did. Of course, I was a jibbering wreck. I mean, not only is it a monumental moment in my life, but it's a monumental moment for the nation, for the world. Take That! All five of them! In all their glory. It's such an amazing song. They've nailed it. Nailed it. I have no more words. It has made my life complete.

Dear Konnie Huq,
Please stop. Please. You were never this bad in the good old days. You were the longest serving Blue Peter presenter of all time, for Christ's sake! Please don't ever speak to Westlife again. You are clearly too stupid to do your research and realise that Mary Byrne is not actually the auntie of Nicky Byrne. People are allowed to have the same surname, you know. Don't even look at Shane. His beauty it too much for your eyes. I seem to have blocked everything else you said out my mind, so I'll let you off for the rest of the show... But next week...
Alice. x

And she managed to insult Seal! No one insults Seal! He's way too cool. The way she poses questions is so patronising, and she never actually asks what she means to ask. Seal was actually repeating everything she said to him just to make sure that's what she meant. I'm actually starting to feel sorry for her! I loved her when I was 8! Oh, Konnie.

I think that is all. I hope that is all. I'm going now to fundraise to support my X Factor voting next week. Waissel and Wagner won't win on my watch. Mark my words.

Gegheads go Global

So I haven't blogged in about seven million years, mainly because after weeks of having something to spur my rage on a Monday, I find myself One Tree Hill-less and therefore uninspired. However, after missing Gossip Girl on Wednesday, I proceeded to catch up with it on Thursday, and my, oh my, do I have something to say...

But first things first; Justin Bieber Boyband rule all. Elton John week should surely be a week of excellence, after all, it's Queen Elton John III, Commander of the Globe. But alas. Jazzy Jeff managed to crucify a song that technically he should have been good at. Slash, Brandon Flowers rocked the pink blazer way back in 2004, he got stick for it then and his was Dior Homme not Primark and he was (and is) human perfection not a big fatty fatty fat fatkins. Traget Pajet went to lunch with David Suchet... Hmmm, rhymes... Erm... No. My point was this, he was alright, not great, but when Cheryl went, "That's not a song that I'm familiar with," I actually wanted to die. Don't admit on national television that you are not familiar with one of the most famous songs in the world. 'Crocodile Rock' is a classic, love. Oh, the shame...

Everyone else was average, even Matt and Rebecca. Matt should have sung 'Your Song' and even though Rebecca sounded amazing and looked amazing, 'Candle in the Wind' is quite possibly the most depressingly annoying song in the history of all time. She was wasted on it. But she quickly redeemed herself by using the term 'gegging'. Now for those of you who are not from Merseyside like yours truly, to geg is to put oneself in a situation in which they shouldn't really be. Allow me to contextualise. My friend was invited to a party, but she didn't want to go alone and so asked me to go with her even though I didn't know anyone and wasn't invited myself. I therefore felt as though I was 'gegging in' on the party. I was a 'geghead'. Rebecca felt as though she was 'gegging in' on the Harry Potter premiere. It's kind of like gatecrashing a suppose, but it was just excellent to hear a term I frequently use and am responded to in complete and utter confusion expressed on such a public platform. Prepare for gegging to go global.

I'm going to move swiftly away from the Harry Potter premiere as I had myself intended to go, wand in hand, but being the genius I am, managed to mix my days up. Missing my true loves; Curly Bieber, Asian Bieber and McFly... Not cool. But back to One Direction. THEY NAILED IT. Best performance of theirs by far, and easily the best performance of the night, hands down.

Xtra Factor was of course a total treat. Konnie is really starting to wind me up. Yes, I know I've been going on about how much she irritates me for the past few weeks, but tonight she really got me riled. "I thought Paije was really good last week, but actually, I'm not allowed to give an opinion, so just forget what I just said." Erm... You are clearly insane. What are you talking about? How are you still allowed to be doing this show? I don't ever remember you having this much trouble on Blue Peter. But the worst part was when she was sat with two members of McFly either side of her. I don't think I've ever seen an interviewer ever be so obliviously rude. Every time Danny started to voice an opinion, she would interrupt and turn her back to him to speak to Harry or Tom. Slash, Konnie, you're married and they have girlfriends, and are mine, hands off. Oh my God, I just remembered: "Everybody wants a bit of Zain". Or was it, "I'd like a bit of Zain" or something equally as inappropriate to that effect. Oh dear. McFly were hilarious though, as expected. And they want the Bieber Boyband to win. Applause.

Wagner or Katie will go I think, but I've been wrong every time so who knows/cares.

Gossip Girl. It was excellent; it's really getting back to season one good. And I love that. Chuck and Blair are excellent, Nate is as cute as ever, Lily Bass is still a hero and I'm actually intrigued as to what's going on. I think I posted my theory that jailbird Ben is the guy who went to prison for the murder of that guy that Serena 'killed'. I'm sticking with it. Although I'm probably wrong.

"You're worth so much more than any guest lecturer fee." Oh, Dan Humphrey, you charmer, you. With comments like that you could sweep any girl off their feet. I mean, seriously? They're actually scripting lines like, "you're worth so much more than any guest lecturer fee"? Embarrassing for everyone involved. And the best thing about it, was Serena was all like, "yeah, I know." Erm... stop being a filthy slag. And when she told Blair about Colin, and she was like, "You deserve better," and Serena was like, "Yeah, I know, he should totally give up teaching to be with me." Why should he? Why should he quit his job to be with you? Do you really hold yourself in such high esteem as to think men should just give up their entire lives just to spend an hour with you? Tone it down. And when he did quit his job for her, she then decided she didn't want to be with him after all! WHAT THE HELL?! So you make your would be boyfriend quite his job on the premise that you can be together and then dump him? Classy.

I'm most upset though about Colin leaving, he was so pretty. Slash, Vanessa is one crazy bitch. Obviously, she's always been this annoying idiot in the background causing aggro where there need not be, but she has cranked that crazy up about twenty five notches. I mean, she looked high for most of the episode. She's a genuine psychopath. Over Dan Humphrey as well. He's so irritating! I just... Never will I understand. Does he love Serena? Does he not love Serena? Why does everyone love Serena when she treats people like dirt?! Enraged.

What else..? Take That: Look Back, Don't Stare. Oh, Robbie. Oh, Gary. Oh, Mark. Oh, Howard. Oh, Jason. I mean, realistically, it was quite a boring documentary and failed to ignite any new excitement in me, but having said that, I don't think I could be any more excited than I already am. I'm at the stage where I'm literally shaking at the mention of them. Someone only has to say 'Take' and I'm a hideous mess on the floor. I'm a hideous mess on the floor by the time someone's make the 't' sound. God I love them. The thing is with programmes such as this, is that in a way, they ruin the magic. I don't want to see them fighting. I want to think of them as being bezzies, all having a laugh in the studio, cranking out some of the greatest songs of all time. The Flood is one of their best songs ever. It's unbelievable, and such a good song to relaunch themselves with. I love that Elton John just popped up in this too. In his Adidas trackie. It was an Elton John fest. I love how casual they are with him. I'm pretty sure Robbie called him 'El'. Gangster. He said it best though when he said, "I'm getting tears in my eyes seeing you all back together." It's such an emotional time. Such an emotional time. The dream I've had since I was five has finally come true. But even still, I felt like the documentary was just completely unnecessary; the process has been so highly publicised, we know everything there is to know, but I suppose it's always nice to hear what they have to say themselves. I just worship Gary Barlow. He's so talented it hurts. And I'm literally dying of anticipation for their performance tomorrow. I've said from the beginning that Simon would nail it, and he has. King of the World. Well done, Simon.

Until tomorrow, adieu.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet...

I hate Katie. She should have gone. The producers messed it up by the order in which the judges were asked who they wanted out; if Cheryl had gone last it would almost certainly have gone to dead lock and we would not be saying farewell to Trake, but instead moaning about how we have to sit through another of her performances next week. However, we (and by we, I mean I) are left filled with a dangerously unhealthy rage level that so far as caused damage to several personal possessions. You can't shout "sod it" in the middle of a song, throw yourself to the ground, forget your words and expect the public to like you. She's such a hideous mess. I get Simon likes her, but what's the point of continually saving her she's hated by the public?! Seriously. Even if he gave her a record deal after, she'd sell less records than Nadine Coyle. There is a reason she's failed so many times and that is because no one likes her pathetic attitude and her insistence on pretending to be 'quirky' and modest. It's so painfully transparent. I HATE HER!

But go Bieber Boyband - they totally nailed it last night. They'll win. I know it. Plus, a bit of partial nudity on the Xtra Factor never hurt anyone. But I'm not going to go any further, as just the mention of the Xtra Factor makes me cringe so hard my body actually spasms and it hurts. It took Konnie three attempts to say the word 'contingent'. Words fail me.

Slash, I am barely able to breathe at the thought of next week's gift of Westlife and Take That. I might literally die of anticipation.

Dear Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott...

Do you think Bieber got where he is today by walking out on music videos? No. Do you really think Simon Cowell accepts 'making soup' as an excuse for not being on set and costing the record company $50,000? No. Do you really think anyone cares about your 'depression' when Julian was naked in the bath? No.

Can I just say, before I being to rant uncontrollably about all the things wrong with this episode of One Tree Hill and rip it brutally and unforgivingly to shreads, that I have just caught up on Friday's episode of The Mentalist, and Simon Baker crying is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen in my life. I hate Red John. I hate him for what he's done to Simon Baker. Slash, loving the Baker's new suit. Loving the Baker in general. He is amazing. I still didn't guess who did it though; he's so clever! And so pretty.

Anyway, back to the travesty that was One Tree Hill. I'm going to be honest and say that I actually didn't listen to most of what was going on for several reasons including: 'I don't care' and 'This is so boring I want to throw myself out the window'. I think the writers need to realise that whilst Skills and Mouth were good characters in the good old days when the Ravens were all together, now they are so totally irrelevant it hurts. When was the last time Nathan spoke to either of them? Yet, they're meant to be bezzies. Take the hint lads. He's a big NBA star now, he hates you, leave him alone. Also, no one cares about Mouth's new girlfriend, or Skills' ex-girlfriend or whoever she is. She looks an awful lot like the cheerleader that he used to go out with in high school, but she isn't her. No one cares.

Hayley setting fire to her piano was genius. So funny. And when Nathan ran in and was all like, "Hayley, what are you doing, you're going to get burnt!" I think that's the point numbskull. I also love that he managed to put it out with a tea towel. Classic Nathan always saving the day. I'm also really glad he was there to comfort Jamie, because when Hayley told him to go to his room, she may as well have smashed in his skull with a ladle. "You know your mom still loves you, right?" Excellent parenting, Nathan. All she said was 'go to your room'. She barely even raised her voice. Take it down a notch. Slash, as if her music video costs that much to make. As if she is making music videos! Oh wait! Of course! She's a giant great big fat celebrity! The world's favourite pop star! Sorry, I really must keep up... How many times is she going to make soup in an attempt to garner sympathy from the viewer? Must I repeat myself over and over and over... NO ONE CARES!

Erm... No one cares about Miranda and her fake English accent that is actually a real English accent and Grubbs the Jesus wannabe with the dark hair and creepily ginger beard. His song was comedy gold. Repetition is the key to success, he just needed a key change and it would have been an instant smash hit. "If I start to change, you've got to stop me." You're not the Incredible Hulk, you're a bartender who clearly thinks too much of himself and has a hideous beard. Who writes craptacular songs. And is an idiot.

Katie is a psycho. I know she's meant to be, but woah. She's insane. My favourite part of this week's instalment in this never ending and totally pointless saga was the fact that the portrait she bought of Clay in last week's episode was actually completely different this week. I swear on my life, the picture has changed. Why?! Why couldn't it be the same one? And Quinn is becoming a worse and worse actress. I think maybe it's the material she's being given, but please. She is awful. And she is about 56 years younger than her 'baby sister' Hayley.

Brooke is so irritating. I know I was campaigning for Brulian, but now I'm starting to wish he'd ditch her and find someone else. Although, quite frankly, I don't care who he's dating if he's going to be in the bath all the time. Oh, and no one cares about the gay actor either. He is about 2 foot tall, with Justin Timberlake *N Sync hair and the weirdest face I have ever seen on a human. Stop wasting Julian's time! He's got a movie to promote! I love that Brooke was all like, "You need to take it easy, I'm worried about you." Why? He's just finished making a movie, his dream, and now he's lying in a super gay bubble bath. It's not as if he's working 5 jobs, 7 days a week whilst battling some sort of terminal disease after his entire family were killed in a nuclear explosion. Chillax, Brooke. He's fine.

OH MY GOD! I actually almost forgot my favourite part of the whole show. "Hey, TMZ. Yes, this is Brooke Davis. No, actually, the person in the picture is Victoria Davis, my mother. V-I-C-T-O-R-I-A."

Let's just stop and take a second. Are we, the public, meant to actually, genuinely believe that TMZ give a shit about a shitty fashion designer from North Carolina and her mother? TMZ?! Seriously?! I don't even know what to say... I mean... It's ludicrous on so many levels. And who casually calls up TMZ and so easily clarifies such a situation? Who can't spell Victoria? No one. Oh, Mark Schwahn, with your silly name and your delusional mind, how I pity your naivety.

Who else don't I care about...? I don't even care about not caring about anyone else. The Mentalist was so good this week that it has totally taken over my brain and now I shall go and dream sweet dreams of Simon Baker's perfect smile...

"Oh, you're an idiot"

JUSTICE IS MINE!

After weeks of travelling up and down the country, campaigning my little heart out to get John out, Careworker, 29 has finally gone home! Andy Abraham has finally gone back to working the bins where he belongs. Who chooses to sing Kelly Clarkson because 'the song means so much to so many people', and then forgets the words?! Dick. It wasn't even in the right key! I think even his brilliantly fabulous sister, Felicia was embarrassed. And that hair...! Dear God. He was even an idiot on the Xtra Factor, 'I've taken it gracefully'. Erm... if you have to say it out loud, then you clearly haven't. Moron. 'There are a lot of pluses, and a lot of cons. There are lots of pros and cons." Thankfully,  no one will ever even have to think about him and his annoyingly small head and rubbish songs ever again. Even when he shows up in panto in Norwich or somewhere as 'John from X Factor', people will actually go, "Who?"

I did feel sorry for Treyc, although that dress was doing nothing for the tumour that's growing on her behind. She sang well though, and totally didn't deserve the bottom two treatment. I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky, if Wagner stays another week, I'm going to travel to the Boreham Wood Premier Inn and physically remove him from the country myself. It is just a shambles.

But the best thing about the main show tonight, even better than Michael Buble, was Simon Cowell's response to Belle Amie getting through. Oh my God, I have never seen a smugger face in all my life, and it was brilliant. Oh, Simon. How I love you so. It was the air punch I loved the most. He's usually so reserved when it comes to expressing his joy, there's usually a smug grin and a wink, but an air punch!? Simon, you spoil us. And when he clapped at Louis, he may as well have stuck two fingers up and waved them in his face screaming, "SCREW YOU, LOUIS!" I wish he had. But alas. Maybe next week.

Michael Buble, you are my hero. He could literally sing anything. And I love him. Of course, the performance was pretty average when compared to last year's 'Cry Me A River', which, I might add, is still on the Sky+ at home. Quite possibly the best performance of anything ever. And he came from his holiday to be there! He's so dedicated to the cause! What a hero. But when it came to the interview on The Xtra Factor, he made up for the not as good as last time performance sevenfold. What a genius, a genuine genius of all the geniuses. Konnie Huq, as I may have mentioned before, is not. This is why, when Michael Buble called her an idiot, I saw my life complete before my eyes. 

Understandably, she was a bit overwhelmed by the aura of the Buble, his beauty, his presence, his humour, but come on Konnie, you presented Blue Peter, professionalism should be your middle name. I shall now transcribe the interview as I remember it:

Konnie: "So, what's your guilty pleasure?"

Michael Buble: "Probably, Air Supply."

Konnie: "Air Supply, like air? I thought you were going to say chocolate or something..."

Michael Buble: "No, Air Supply the band. Sing sing sing sing sing sing. Ho ho ho."

Konnie: "A guilty pleasure is something you're embarrassed to love."

Michael Buble: "I know what a guilty pleasure is, bitch. Who's embarrassed about something they love or are passionate about? 'Oh, my guilty pleasure is chocolate', you're an idiot."

Now, I might have added the 'bitch' and I also understand that the 'idiot' was indirect. He didn't point in her face chant, "IDIOT! IDIOT!" It would have been excellent if he had, but he didn't. Yet, he said it. He said, "You're an idiot." He then proceeded to ask her to do some sort of hair flick, which ended with her with a mouthful of hair and Michael Buble smouldering into the camera. He is cool, she is not. Fact. "I'm learning all the time, even sitting here with you, I'm learning," Yeah, Michael, learning that she's an idiot. Learning how not to conduct an interview. There were so many things that went wrong on tonight's show I can't even remember them all. I should start taking notes so I don't forget.

Oh, Buble... You are the light of my life. And also, he blatantly loves One Direction.

Oh, Nicolo...

Today I am not talking about TV. I shall explain why. So, this morning, I was all ready to write about tonight's Ugly Betty, because even though I hadn't seen it, I knew it would be dire. Except for sexy CSI Man, obviously. But then today, thankfully, gave me another excuse to talk about X Factor instead. Congrats to today.

This evening at approximately 18:06, I received a cryptic text from a strictly anonymous source, the details of which read, "Nooo! Nicolo from X Factor is stood outside TopShop!!!" The "Nooo!" part, was reference to the fact that the afore mentioned anonymous source had just said goodbye to me in TopShop to return to Headquarters. I was still inside. I did not receive this text until I was half way down Oxford Street, therefore missing the event altogether. I was devestated. I believe the words that came out of my mouth were somewhere along the lines of, "Oh my God, I'm going to kill myself! It's all your [other friends who were dragging me places I had no interest in going] fault! I HATE YOU ALL!" This tyrade of abuse, that was not only embarrassing my friends but also making me look like a mental patient on day release, was quickly and abruptly interrupted by an un-named witness. "Alice! Calm down, look! He's there!" And to my astonishment, there before me stood one Nicolo Festa, Italian mad man, X Factor legend, and my 4th favourite...

At this moment, I think my friends were expecting me to freak out with some sort of cringey squeel worthy of a 13 year old Bieber fan and then quickly move on, phoning everyone I know on the way to the next destination on our tour of Oxford Street. Therefore, when I began to route in my bag, they looked puzzled.

Please do not judge me when I say that I carry, at all times, a camera and the Jude Law Sharpie (named so as King Jude Law VI himself once used it). My explanation of this is simple: if I bump into Michael Buble on the street, I want to be prepared, know what I'm sayin'? "No! You cannot ask for his picture!" But I did. Sadly, my camera has remained in my bag, unused (despite having had quite a run of celebrity spotting including HRH Geri Halliwell), for so long, that it had no battery. I almost smashed it to the ground in rage. But then I remembered that it is no longer 1997 and mobile phones, including mine, now feature all kinds of high-tech insanity, including cameras.

Now, I believe, somewhere in history, that it was once said that a picture speaks a thousand words. Voila!

I once more beg of you not to judge me for my appearance, I usually look normal. It was a long, long day and I had just been under the impression that my life could have ended by missing Nicolo the Great of X Factor Fame. Imagine the trauma...

Of course, I was so overwhelmed by his celebrity that I failed to ask him any questions that I would have liked answered. Is Simon Cowell looking to adopt any 19 year old girls? Are One Direction really all 12 or is it just a voting ploy? How long does it take Mary to put on her fat suit? You know, deep investigative stuff. All I managed was, "Nicolo, I love you. I can't believe you got voted out on Saturday, it wasn't fair. I love you. You were my favourite. I love you. Would you mind taking a picture? Oh... that one's blurred, can I have another?" Of course, he wasn't my favourite, but he didn't need to know that. I did have to restrain from stroking his beautiful face, mainly as it was an inch thick with make-up as they had apparently been on This Morning this morning. Oh, I forgot to mention that he was with the chubby gay one with the pinky ring and the 27 year old guy with 2 kids that blates thought he was getting through and always wore a trilby, both of whom got to Dannii's house. They were also with Lloyd Daniels off of last year's show. Random. But no one cares about them. Anyway, Nicolo was so lovely and wished me a nice day on our departure. And so pretty! So so so pretty! And taller than I thought he would be. Slash, I don't think I've ever seen anyone love the attention so much, it was hilarious, but of course, totally justified.

And there is my tale. The End.

Gamu Who?

Justin. Bieber. Boyband. I love them. Officially, truly, wholly love them. X Factor last night was the best I have ever seen it, ever. I don't even know why it was so good. It was just amazing! Now, so much happened and there are so many contestants, most of which I cannot remember, that I am going to attempt to comment on each in order.

I couldn't even remember who went first, but I am informed by the trusty X Factor website, that it was F.Y.D: They were OK. I don't really have much to say about them, except that one of them was singing was off. The one who was doing the really high part. Not good. And the one with the earring needs to get over himself ASAP. I like that they can dance though, you can't be in a boyband if you can't dance.

Matt in the Hat: I. love. him. He was amazing. A bit shaky at first, but he got there. He has the most amazing voice! Song was a bit strange, I think they were hoping for some kind of Coldplay vibe, and by the end it was good, but I felt he struggled a bit. Also, I thought that the whole point of the 'makeover' was to alter their image slightly, and in all the promos he is hatless, so I was greatly surprised that the hat returned for the first live show. The same hat, not even a different one, and it totally didn't go!

Careworker, 29: Andy Abraham has returned to X Factor in disguise in an attempt at fame once more. I can't even remember this man's name. Seriously. All, I remember about him is that he is a careworker, and he is 29. He was so forgettable. The only reason I remember him is because he looks like Andy Abraham, and that is not a good thing.

Rebecca Ferguson: She's so nice, she looked so good and she sang it really well. I'm going to throw it out there, she was a tad boring. Don't hate me. But she is. I think she'll go far though, she deserves to.

How boring were the first four?! Maybe it wasn't as good as I thought it was... No way, it was amazing.

Belle Amie: The one that did the rappy part is really good. Very pretty. But the others are so freakin average. They even said it themselves, girl bands never do well, and there is a reason for that. They're never any good. They're never going to win. They'll probably get to about week 4 and then never be seen again.

Right, I have completely and totally forgotten the order, so I'll just slag them off as I remember them.

Storm Lee: Dear Louis Walsh, you are an idiot of the highest order, Love Alice. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Poor, poor, poor Storm Lee. Correct, he is a total moron who genuinely believes himself to be some sort of international rock god, which is so painfully far from the truth. I feel so sorry for him, because he has a great voice, but the silver pants, the red hair, and OH GOD! The make-up! Oh my God. Just awful. And why were all his dancers dressed as He Who Must Not Be Named? My only possible explanation is that the Dark Lord has infiltrated X Factor through his newest Death Eater, Storm Lee. Let's just hope he wins so there's no wizarding war.

Cher Freakin' Lloyd: Has anyone, in the history of the world, ever been so annoying? Her attitude makes me want to beat her face with stones until she pleads for mercy. She was actually very good, but that permanent scowl on her face is just asking for a slap. My favourite fact about Cher Lloyd is that she is a Romany Gypsy. Of course she is! Hilarious. She already thinks she's a megastar, and, unless she wins, which is quite possible, she will realistically, fade into oblivion like all the others. Deal with it bitch.

Oh my God, Diva Fever: Oh no. Just... I... I don't even know what can be said. Just... Why? They're so bad. I mean, Purple Shirt has a nice voice, but Orange Shirt looks like he's just there for a laugh. And what was with the sparkly suits?! It was some sort of hideous 80s nightmare. I genuinely think Orange Shirt was under strict instructions not to sing. He held his mike about 12 metres away from his face and just had the most gormless smile across his face. I don't think he knew what was going on. He was just happy to be there. No chance in hell.

Paije Richardson: "I just can't go back an work in the cinema...! I... I can't sweep popcorn anymore...!" Shut up about the cinema. It's hardly the worst job in the world. Slash, you're 19, quit the cinema and work somewhere else you fool. Last night, he sang alright. Got a bit ahead of himself. What was that jacket!? I believe the words that came out of my friends mouth were: "He looks like a fat Fresh Prince!" Have truer words ever been spoken? No. He genuinely looked as though Will Smith had been squished downwards, so that all his height became fat. Not cool. "I'm so glad everyone loves me!" Erm... what? No, no, no. Don't big yourself up there Jazzy Jeff.

Katie Waissel: I still hate her, and I have a feeling that she will be going home tonight. Mainly because there are some freaks in the world obsessed with Gamu Gamu and they will make sure she goes no matter what. You are not original Katie, you were singing Queen in a weird outfit. Wow, how unique and kooky. Oh, wait. Idiot. She is way way way too over- confident and she shouldn't be. The fact that the judges have to try and overcompensate on their criticism by going on about how nice she is proves that actually, she's a bitch and she's not good. No one cares if she's nice anyway. You can be as nice as you want, but if there is a better singer/performer, you're going home, Helmet Head. Fact.

Mary 'Big Fat Mary' Byrne: Bless her. As I said last week, she'll be in Chicago in a few weeks. She can sing, in fact, she's amazing, but no. She's not going to win. She's not going to get close. I'm pleased she got such a good reception, although, after about 10 minutes of screaming, I was beyond bored. Jog on, we get it, you're big and fat and old and really really talented, but so was Brenda from a few seasons ago. Come to think of it, I'm almost certain she went into Chicago. Maybe Simon has some sort of contract with the theatre and has to provide at least one West End star per series. Lucie Jones anyone? God, I hated her too.

Nicolo Festa: I love him. He's comedy gold. Why would you ever get him singing Lady Gaga. No one can sing Lady Gaga, not even Lady Gaga. It was awful. And the styling? It was like some sort of hideous joke. So tacky. But the thing is, he's so pretty, and in his VTs he looks so good. I think Dannii's trying to make him more 'different' than he really is. He's just a cocky gay Italian with an odd, but good, voice. There was too much going on. And his hair looked like crap. Not cool Danni, not cool.

Justin Bieber Boyband: OH MY GOD! I am beyond obsessed. They are so freakin' unbelievable. Curly Bieber is my favourite, although, I still have a soft spot for Original Bieber. And I loved it when Simon was like, "When things started to go wrong at the end, Liam came and sorted it out." Bless him! I love him. They were genuinely good though. I became hysterical. They have the Bieber Fever effect. When it was mentioned that we should go to the X Factor tour and see them, I literally became some sort of 12 year old mess. Never in my life would I ever have considered even thinking about going to the X Factor tour, but I am so there this year. But they've got such good voices and they're so pretty!
So, just so we've got this straight, there is Original Bieber (Liam Payne), Curly Bieber (Harry from Cheshire), Asian Bieber (Zain 'I'm too cool to dance' Malik), Other Bieber (The other one with dark hair) and Louis Walsh's Son/Kian from Westlife (Niall from Ireland). They could be the Justin Bieber version of the Spice Girls.
I LOVE THEM! I knew they'd be a success... Just saying...

Wagner: Why? Why? Why? He's like the Indian Chief version of Chico. She Bangs by Ricky Martin? Seriously? Oh my God it was so hilarious. When they brought the bongos out! Oh my God! He didn't even play them in time or anything! And what was with his hoop earrings? And his half pony? With a velvet jacket? Words fail me.

Aiden Grimshaw: He is beyond adorable. I cringed slightly when he started to really 'feel the music' which I hate hate hate beyond belief. But his voice is amazing. He's such a popstar. He'll do well. Although, if he doesn't I think Andrew Lloyd Webber might cast him in Phantom.

Treyc Cohen: "Best vocal performance of the night." Sorry, what Simon? No, no, no. You must have still been thinking about One Direction. Treyc can't even spell her own name right. No, no, no. She's alright. But no. Slash, her arse is quite possibly the largest thing I have ever witnessed in all of time. That dress was not flattering at all. Although, I'm not sure any item of clothing will flatter that. No.

I literally can't wait another week. And what makes it worse is that I'm not even going to be able to watch it live on Saturday! I might ring Brandon Flowers and ask him to move his concert. He's American, I get it, he probably didn't realise X Factor was on, but I'm sure, once he finds out, he'll move the concert ASAP. I mean, he won't want to miss it either.

My predictions for the double elimination tonight are thus: Katie Waissel and, with any luck, Careworker, 29.

I promise to stop talking about Justin Bieber

At least for a few days. Slash, it's X Factor tomorrow, so maybe next week.

We all know I love the Justin Bieber boyband, so my life was made when last night, whilst I was watching Celebrity Juice, they started talking about them. Of course, they referred to them as One Direction (a poor band name) when lo and behold, Paloma Faith goes, "Oh, are they the ones that all look like Justin Bieber?"

My reaction to this was thus:

1. Screaming
2. Running into each of my flatmates rooms individually, still screaming
3. Repeating the story at least thrice to each flatmate
4. Getting into bed, too excited to sleep and thinking, 'I must blog about this tomorrow'.

If, after this, Simon Cowell still fails to secure Justin Bieber for at least one live show, I will sue him.

I would also like to point out that Paloma Faith should stop stealing my ideas.

Cheryl Cole Has Lost Her Mind

Literally gone insane. For one, Cher didn't deserve to get in. I know that Cheryl always had that soft spot for her, but seriously. If it was anyone else, they would never have stood a chance. She didn't even sing the song! She just stood there, being hideously overdramatic, sang about one line and gave up. She gave up! Cheryl even gave her a chance to come back later and she gave up! She's a quitter! OK, so she had tonsilitus, if she had told Cheryl that, and then attempted to sing the song all the way through, then I could understand it. But to give up is not good enough. She's only 16, she can come back next year and be guaranteed a place in the Judge's Houses at least! I'M SO ANGRY! It's ludicrous. Outrage!

And stupid horrible hideous Katie. I loathe everything about her! She is so false it's embarrassing. I seriously though Cheryl would be able to see all that, but alas, it appears malaria messes with your common sense. That fake breakdown was seriously pathetic. And her voice is nothing special. I feel like she's some sort of plant, an actor put there by the producers to try and cause drama. She's awful, just awful.

And what about poor Gamu? She irritated me beyond belief but she can sing. At least Rebecca was the right choice.

JUSTIN BIEBER BOYBAND! Genius. Simon is going to make them so good. I knew they'd get through and I am seriously pleased they did. I was so impressed with them, despite having doubts at first. I know they'll start getting on my nerves as soon as they start trying to take themselves too seriously, and the makeover has not served them well. But I'm sure they'll be great. In fact, Simon made all the right choices. Although, I did like The Reason. But they failed, lets be honest.

Louis stands no chance of even getting an act past the 3rd week. Not one of them is decent. Big Fat Mary will be Mama Morton is Chicago by February, Storm, although having a fantastic voice, is going nowhere with that new red hair, and I can't even remember the other one's name. I know he's 29 and a careworker. Great. I actually feel sorry for Louis, but he didn't even put the girl with the best voice through, so he's made his bed. Idiot. Although I do miss Wagner. What a legend.

Dannii had the hardest decisions. But she made the right choices too. I love Matt with the Hat. He's so adorable and he's got the most amazing voice. He'll do well, he may even win, but if he does he'll never actually make it. It's sad, but true - Steve Brookstein anyone? Tragic really. But at least he's in. Aidan is super cute, but 'feels the music' too much. It's embarrassing. I can't remember the other one, but I remember being pleased so that's good.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE WILDCARD! The more I think about it, the less exciting it becomes, but it'll make for good television so I don't care. Next week, all the contestants from Judge's Houses get a lifeline, and are coming back next week so that each judge can choose another finalist for their category! Loves it.

Well done, Simon. You have officially nailed it. PS. Please sort Cheryl out, love from Alice. x

X Factor

I hate this bit of the X Factor. I hate the way they changed the auditions to be all Britain's Got Talent-esq because it is pointless and irritating. I couldn't care less about the auto-tuning 'scandal' because it was not a scandal at all. A scandal would have been that none of the people who auditioned were actually human and they were actually alien life forms that Simon Cowell managed to create in his lab in LA. Even then though, everything Simon says or does is usually for the good of humanity, so I would have accepted it.

Last night was Boot Camp. I can deal more with Boot Camp then I can with the stupid auditions, but realistically, we're all just waiting for Judge's Houses so we can see what delights Sinitta will be wearing as she 'helps' Simon. Sometimes I think she's the best thing about the show as she strolls around the pool wearing leaves whilst some poor contestant is left to melt in the LA heat in front of the Cowell. It's just excellent. I also love that Louis will usually always bring out a Boyzone or Westlife member, who has absolutely no interest in the process, but he's really let me down this year with Sharon Osbourne. No one cares! Anyway, back to Boot Camp.

I hate that Cher girl, I hate that one that thinks she's Madonna circa 1986/ Freddie Mercury and has a record deal that everyone seems to have forgotten about. I hated that boy who refused to dance and then got another chance! As if! I love Simon when he's being all fatherly, but Simon's at his best when he takes no prisoners, when he beats people down with nothing but his painfully accurate words. Not giving them another chance! And that prostitute girl, Chloe. How has she been given so many chances!? I know Simon feels sorry for her, but she turned up late reeking of booze and vomit! Ewwww! Having said all this, when it ended last night, I was desperate to find out who went through to Judge's Houses, and of course who gets which category. They're always disappointed which is hilarious.

Simon Cowell is the most amazing human being ever. He would be the most amazing uncle ever! He'd spoil you so much but with enough tough love as to not ruin you as a person. It's my dream. And when he winks at the contestants! What a sign of approval! I'd kill for a wink from Simon Cowell. What he says goes. He's always right, even when he's wrong. I don't even know why people try and disagree with him, other than to get their fat faces onto TV. It's like when people argue with the police. YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO WIN! You will get arrested and you will end up being convicted of the murder you comitted. It's just the way the cookie crumbles. He's like some sort of music industry God. He should have been Prime Minister. Yes, I get that all the 'cool' artists think that he's ruining music for the world and ruining culture and society in the process. But if they're that arsed, why go and perform on the show? Oh, I know! All that cash Simon wafts in their face. Idiots. Even as I write this I can hear Mark Ronson's voice on the television declaring his admiration for Simon, even though he thinks the show is craptacular. Simon is King, you will always lose, end of conversation.

But in the end, the genius of X Factor, apart from Our Lord Almighty Simon Cowell, is that even when it's so bad you want to hurt yourself just as some sort of distraction, you can't stop watching it. It''s so addictive. And I love it! My main prediction so far is not about any of the contestants, but that Take That will do their first live performance as a 5 piece on one of the live finals. If Simon can't pull that off, I think my faith in him and my sheer adoration of his being will decrease into non-existance. It's the perfect opportunity. Although I am aware that Gary and Robbie are performing on Strictly at some stage... Come on Si, pull it out the bag; work the magic that all your millions have provided. I bet he will. And it will be excellent.