Better late than never

So I realise that I have not written/complained about the X Factor final. This is for several reasons. I have been in a foreign land, but also, I don't actually think I have come to terms with the result. Let's be realistic, One Direction should have won. I have loved Matt from the beginning though, and I did say he would win in the end. But... I also said that One Direction would nail it. And they did.

I'm not going to describe every last detail and judge everyone, because it took place about 25 years ago and everyone is over it now. Except me. I watched the final on YouTube, which was anti climatic to say the least. I also had the result ruined for me by a once so called 'friend' who I am now no longer speaking to. Friends don't ruin the X Factor result. Anyhow, I have just watched the whole thing on the good ol' Sky+ and have come to the conclusion that not only should One Direction have won, but Matt certainly shouldn't have won, purely based on those yellow trousers. He should have been sent to Azkaban for that outfit. Maybe he was Imperiused...

I am beside myself with grief. Grief that will last forever more. Or at least until One Direction release their first single. I cannot believe that their winners' single would have been Forever Young. This would appear to be to be a sign that they should have won and also be my best friends as this was Ryan and Marissa's song in The OC. Coincidence? I think not. I think Simon realised that I would be hunting to kill once he didn't get Bieber and had to do something to stop me coming after him. It worked. I just wish that they had the opportunity to release it. Rebecca's was abysmal. Just awful. Matt's could have been better too. Having said that, Simon also managed to put Bieber in the background of their 'best bits' montage. I took it as a nod to me personally for my support. You're most welcome, Simon.

At least now, I suppose, I can try and reforge my life. Although it will be hard carrying this devastation around with me. I'll be like the Ancient Mariner with his albatross of guilt, but mine will be a necklace of 5 Biebers, each with tears in their eyes, dragging me down and reminding me of my betrayal of not staying in the country to vote for them. How the weight haunts me of my sin.

Farewell X Factor. Farewell Justin Bieber Boyband. I look forward to our next encounter, but 'til then, I bid you good day.

DISCLAIMER: I did have votes cast for One Direction on my behalf. The issue was that the person issuing these votes on my behalf stabbed me in the back by also voting for Matt. If I had been in England, One Direction would have won. For this, I am eternally apologetic. Please refer to my section on the Ancient Mariner for further understanding of this guilt.

Original Man of Mayhem

DISCLAIMER: Do you want to know what's tragic? I wrote about 1000 words on the how this night has changed my life, how one 16 year old has influenced my soul, and shaped the person I'm going to be. Then, I somehow managed to delete the whole fucking thing. So now, if the following sounds as though my passion for Bieber is dying, don't believe it. It'll just be the self loathing seeping from my words, tainting my love as I attempt to remember the genius I created before.

Only one man, sorry, child can get away with declaring himself the Original Man of Mayhem and that man, sorry, child, goes by the name of Justin Drew Bieber.

If I told you that all my dreams came true tonight, would you judge me? I judge myself, I don't know what I'm talking about. It was just incredible.

I don't even know where to begin. Genuinely, I don't. The boy is a God, a hero, a genius. I mean, I hate to blow my own trumpet, but not only did I predict a Bieber appearance, but I did say that he'd sing a medley of his hits...

I'm just about calming down as I write this, mainly after I was brought smack down to earth by being a technological retard, but I'm still hyped. In a serious, medically concerning sort of way. I cannot even begin to attempt to explain the hysteria that filled every inch of my flat tonight. If I tried, I would fail. There was physical shaking, screaming, arm flapping, jumpers being taken off due to an overwhelming increase in body temperature, fits of giggles, tears of sheer joy, hyperventilating. That sort of thing. By hysteria, I mean hysteria. It's even harder trying to explain it now after having written it once so eloquently. You know, I was right in that head space and now I'm so full of rage with my computer that I can barely string a sentence together, let alone one about the hero that is J. D. Bieber.

So after last time going on about how this is becoming an X Factor blog, it would now appear I have created some sort of Justin Bieber fansite. A shrine to Bieber for the over 5s. I feel like one of those morons who are obsessed with Twilight and write fan-fiction about Cedric Diggory pretending he's a vampire and falling in love with them. I promise it will stop soon. Just not tonight.

As soon as he came on I knew he was going to sing Somebody to Love. I knew it. I could sense it. I just... I just... Oh, Bieber. Words fail me, and for once, in a good way. What makes it all even better is that I've just remembered that The Wanted were on before. I had genuinely forgotten they'd even shown up. There was no need for them. Bieber blew them out of the water. Failures.

I believe that the first thing I ever posted on here was a description of Justin's performance on the VMAs. What was so great about tonight, was that it was almost identical. Let's not mention my failure to procure tickets to his tour...

Here is a list of reasons I loved Justin Bieber's performance so much tonight:

1. The fact that he sang Somebody to Love, my personal favourite.
2. The dance break. God, I love me a dance break. And so seamlessly into Baby.
3. The sick dance moves in general. That kid can throw some serious shapes.
4. He did my favourite dance. Twice.
5. He mimed his way through the entire performance. Not only did he mime, but he did it so unashamedly.
6. The fact that his excuse for lip syncing was that his vocal coach told him that if he sang live it would damage his voice forever.
7. That jacket. 'J. Bieber: Original Man of Mayhem'. Genius.

And after the greatest performance of all time came the greatest interview of all time. You forget that, because he's the coolest most bad-ass human to ever walk the earth, he's actually 8 and never finished school. So when he talks, it's slightly disappointing. Nevertheless, he completely bypassed all of Dermot's questions just to start chatting up Cheryl Cole. Wow. I mean, the wave, the wink, the internationally recognised sign for 'call me'. We all know she ran straight back stage to get his number. And who can blame her? He's a genuine God amongst men. I wonder if the Jews know that the messiah has arrived, and he hails from Stratford, Ontario? 

Oh yeah. In the midst of all the Bieber Fever, I found myself forgetting, slash, completely not caring, that it was the results show and that Katie and Wagner went. Big deal. Everyone knew they would. Although I was scared for One Direction at one point. Who leaves them to the end? That's just toying with people's emotions. Highly unnecessary.

Before I forget, I've checked Bieber's schedule and he's available on Decemeber 11th, the date of the X Factor final. I'm not suggesting anything, but coincidence? I think not...

Slash, it would appear that Nicole Scherzinger has been possessed by the spirit of Michael Jackson. We know how you speak! Who are you trying to kid? That weird, spaced out, high pitched nonsense? Not having it love. 

Anyway, onto the important stuff. In what world is it just that Konnie Huq gets to meet Justin Bieber and I don't? I bet he's the cockiest little bastard ever, and for that I love him more. I bet he was all like, "One what? One Direction? Nah, mate, I'm off to the bar." See, I'm so much more deserving than she is. I genuinely don't think she could have been more patronising if she tried. I can't remember much of what he said, mainly because the majority of what comes out of his mouth doesn't actually make sense, what with him being an undereducated youth and all, but whilst academically challenged, that boy is wise beyond his 7 years.

Konnie: "Do you have any advice for the contestants on how to deal with the fame and the pressure?"

Justin Drew Bieber: "Errrrrr... Yeah... You know... Just. Errrrr... Just remember where you came from, and you know... You... You gotta put God first, you know..."

Preach it, JB! So deep, so wise. There's something so normal and comforting about a 5 year old international sensation preaching the word of the Lord. Excellent. I know that that advice is sticking with me for the rest of time. Always put God first. I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

But don't interrupt him whilst he's eating. Just don't. I think it might actually be in the Bible. Let me check... Ah yes: Thou must not disturb Bieber at the table. It's the secret 11th commandment.

I'm also pretty sure Konnie managed to make some sort of comment about schizophrenia in regards to Katie whilst in conversation with Dr Karl Kennedy and The Hoff which I couldn't let slide.

But now, I'm actually sitting, waiting with bated breath for the first picture of One Direction with Justin Bieber to come out. I have to see it with my own eyes. It will be printed off and framed immediately. I need it.

Oh, Simon. How well you have done. The whole show was dominated by a single child from the depths of Canada. No one even cared about the elimination! Loves it! Everyone's just slagging off Bieber on Twitter. Excellent.

I leave you with a link to the greatest performance of all time. Maybe the second greatest, I mean, there's no drum solo in this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEXAXsroBgE 

X Factor Blog

Whilst I am aware that this is rapidly deteriorating into some sort of pathetic X Factor blog, until it ends, and they put something else decent on the television, I feel there is no end in sight for my hideously uninteresting ramblings about everyone's favourite reality show. Slash, I just want to turn my attention to the real X Factor blog...

xfactorblog.co.uk is quite possibly the least reliable website in the history of the internet. I'm more likely to trust spam email from the King of Nigeria than I am to trust the X Factor blog. It is always wrong. ALWAYS. And whilst I understand that there will be numerous sources involved in getting track information midweek and that acts always switch songs at the last minute, I hate, no, I abhor the fact that it gets my hopes up every week, only to send me into a never ending spiral of despair, ruining the overall X Factor experience.

First it told me that One Direction would be singing Justin Bieber. Now, I should have known it was going to be too good to be true, but still, when an idea that genius is put into your head, it's hard to shake, slash, my logic was that it was about bloody time. But of course, when they came out and sand Pink, I almost threw myself out my window. For one, that's not even a guilty pleasure, just a boring song. But the worst thing that X Factor blog have ever done to me happened yesterday...

I got in from having dinner with a friend to a stampede of flatmates running towards me filled with excitement. "I have the best news ever," my friend said. "Justin Bieber?" I enquired. "Better," she replied. What could be better than Bieber, I thought. "One Direction are going to sing The Killers on rock week!" OH. MY. GOD! I was hysterical. To the point of jumping up and down, whilst screaming. Of course, there was arm flapping, spinning, a general loss of control of my body, the norm. And so, for 24 hours, I managed to build and build my hopes of Justin Bieber Boyband singing Somebody Told Me, to the point where I was giggling secretly to myself in delight. Of course, when I checked X Factor blog today, I was sadly informed that they were not in fact singing The Killers, but Bryan Adams. Hmmmm... Now, I love Summer of '69, and they nailed it. Obviously. But, honestly, I was beside myself with disappointment. Just despairing of all that is good in the world. Slash, whilst they were good, I'm going to throw it out there and suggest they weren't as good as usual.        

Of course, I still love them. And even though in the second song, only 3 of them sang, they were amazing. And when Simon was all like, "Oh, I'm so proud of you. Especially you Zain 'I'm too cool to dance' Malik, because I remember how embarrassed you were at boot camp and now look at you! And Harry 'from Cheshire' Styles, you chose the song and aren't you all great!" Could their faces have been any cuter from sheer joy?! Well, they're all Biebers, so of course they're cute. Slash, when Asian Bieber was all like, "I just love it so much and to come out here every week with my 5 best friends is just the best," I realised, that whilst he is so painfully beautiful it is actually ludicrous, he's only about 6 and probably didn't even finish learning how to count before being thrust into the lime light. Bless.

Erm... Katie was abysmal. ABYSMAL! I mean, the whole evening was a travesty. Cheryl, for once in her post-Ashley life, actually looked normal, but was she high or something? I mean, she was one step away from jazz hands. "My cute tootey, Cher!" What?! They are the actual words you are choosing to say? Seriously? Sure you don't want to think about it, before you not only embarrass your act, but yourself as well? Cher was awful. Avril Lavigne does not count as rock, and her little Lil Mama rap was not English. I swear she was just saying random words. "B, R, O, O, M...." Riiiiiiggggghhtttt... Didn't realise the song was about sweeping, but whatever.

Matt nailed the second song, Rebecca was quite boring in both, but better than last week, Big Fat Mary needs to go. You know what they should have done? They should have just made it U2 week, most of them sang their songs anyway. Oh, Christ! When Louis was going on about how proud Bono would be of them all. Jesus. I'm pretty sure Bono is drawing up a contract right now to ensure that his songs can never ever be used  on the X Factor ever again. Just awful.

I'm going to suggest that whilst Thom Yorke would not think it was a great performance, no matter what Louis says, that it was actually Wagner's best attempt to date. I actually loved that Louis got the words completely wrong and was like, "It's winner, Simon, it says winner in the song." Erm... Pretty sure that's 'weirdo' Louis, but whatever you like to tell yourself to attempt to corner the guilt for putting Wagner into your final 4 when poor little Aiden Grimshaw gets sent home. Bastard.

Konnie Huq is still awful. Dermot is a hero. N Dubz are the biggest cringefest ever. Danny Dyer is the biggest knob ever, but hilarious. And he loves One Direction so that's fine. He gave his daughter his own name, so I'm not entirely certain as to how sound his judgement is. James Corden loves One Direction. Ron freakin Weasley loves One Direction. And that is all I learnt from this instalment of the Xtra Factor.

I don't think I could be more excited about Justin Bieber being on the results show tomorrow. The word on the grapevine is that he's either singing U Smile or Baby. I'm personally routing for a nice little medley a la the VMAs, the performance that sees us in the position we stand today. Good news is, it's probably quite reliable information, I didn't get it from the X Factor blog...

JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER

My life is now complete.

Mr Justin Drew Bieber will be sharing the stage with his 5 doppelgangers; Original, Curly, Asian, Other and Louis Walsh's Son/Kian from Westlife. Did you ever believe this day would come?! I mean, I knew Simon would nail it, but after they failed to sing Bieber in guilty pleasures week, I began to slowly lose hope/the will to live.

The revelation came much like this:
Dermot: "Next week, we have some very special guests..."
Us: "I wonder who it will be!"
Dermot: "The Wanted will be here!"
Me: "I fucking hate The Wanted, great. I can't believe they're on, they're rubbish, I'm so angry."
Dermot: "Teen sensation, Justin Bieber will be right here on this stage..."
Us: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! BIEBER! BIEBER!"
Me: "I HAVE TO CALL EVERYONE I KNOW!"
Unidentified female flatmate: "NO WAY!"
Unidentified male flatemate: "MY LIFE IS COMPLETE"
Us: "MINE TOO!"

20 minutes later...

Us: "JUSTIN BIEBER!"

The hysteria has just about died down. Just. Not only is it the fact that Justin Drew Bieber is a gangsta, it's the fact that the Justin Bieber Boyband will meet Justin Bieber. There will be photographic evidence of all the Biebers all together. I seriously don't think I can handle that much Bieber. It's too much! Way too much!

I mean, it's obvious now what's going to happen isn't it? When Justin Bieber Boyband get into the final, you know exactly who Simon will be on the phone to. YES, YES, YES! The plan has fallen so perfectly into place, I'm actually quite scared as to how accurate I have been about this whole situation. Maybe Simon can sense my vibes. Or maybe the combination of Harry Styles and Justin Bieber is sending me straight to a mental institution. Who knows?

I suppose we best mention poor Tragay Pajay. Let's be honest, he was never going to win. I loved that Cher was in the bottom two though. She needed that knock. Slap that gypsy snarl off her fluorescent skin. How, in the name of all that is holy and good, can Wagner still be in the competition? Oh wait, I know, Cheryl was a proper bitch to him and the public did it to piss her off. GOOD! I was genuinely shocked and appalled at her comments. "I believe you've been saying stuff about me in the press, that I come from a council estate..." Firstly, Cheryl, that's true my love. And secondly, the poor man can barely speak the Queen's English. Most of the time he has no idea what the hell is going on, he just stands there with a stupid smile on his face and his dangly earrings resting on his chest. Majorly unprofessional, majorly inappropriate, and you therefore earned yourself Cher in the bottom two. Deal with it. The worst thing about it was that she didn't even apologise. Every other sentence out of that woman's mouth is, "Don't believe everything you read in the press," and there she is publicly humiliating poor old innocent Indian Chief Wagner. Not cool, Cheryl. Not cool. Maybe if you sorted your outfits out he'd be a bit nicer next time an undercover reporter is misquoting him.

Erm... Katie's hair. Words fail me. She actually sang really well. Horrible arrangement. But really well. I was far from impressed when she made it through though. But realistically, we all know who's going to win, so who cares any more? If I hear any more Emma Watson comparisons I'm going to lose my mind. I can't stand either of them, putting them in the same sentence is just infuriating.

Obv, One Direction nailed it. Not as good as Elton John week, but they still nailed it. Perfectly. Rebecca was a let down, in terms of outfit and performance. I do feel sorry for her though, all the hopes and dreams of Liverpool were pinned onto the poor girl. Slash, I thought she'd nail it. Nail it for scousers everywhere. Tragic.

Can I quickly just say that Steven Gerrard is not only a local hero, but a genuine hero of our times. What a legend. "Ahhhh, maayyyttteee, meeee kids are, lyyyyke, roooooouuutin' for uuuuuse lot, bu' I lyyyyke Rebecccccca, uuuuuuse know, cozzzz, weeeeze bot' from Liverrpoooool." I LOVE HIM! Shaking hands with One Direction, AMAZING!

Justin Bieber.

What else... Oh, I loved it on ITV2 when they were showing how all the contestants get ready for the show and Dermot was like, "I usually listen to a Killers song." Hero. Genuine hero. He knows what's right. Such a shame Konnie Huq does not.

Oh, Cheryl...

It didn't work for Mel B, why would it work for you? Her hair was so not cute. Oh, just awful. What's going on, Cheryl?! You had such beautiful hair and now... Well... I don't even know what to say... Just, awful. I think it was meant to be some sort of bow, but it just looked like she could have been an extra in the video for Spice Up Your Life.

But the fact that Aiden was eliminated makes me want to kill myself. Erm... British public, hello? What's going on? Wagner in, Aiden out? Let me tell you something: Wagner is not funny. You clearly have no sense of humour whatsoever. At all. Nil. Wagner is NOT funny. I'm hilarious, I would know. Of course, I didn't vote; I'm not going to waste my money on such rubbish. BUT I WILL NOW! I will not rest until justice is mine! And Katie Waissel? I despair. She sang fantastically on her save me song, but her career is not going to be built on save me songs. Unless her first album is 'Katie Waissel: Songs that Saved Me' in which case, I would personally buy them all just to burn them in a bonfire the size of China. And what's going on with her hair? She's got none left! Why haven't they stripped it?! Or at least given her an everyday wig? Dear God. I get that she can sing, I actually like her voice, but I would never buy anything she released, mainly because she's so false it actually causes me heart palpitations. And when she was trying to hug Aiden when they were in the bottom two?! GET OFF HIM! HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR FALSE SYMPATHY BITCH! Oh, poor Aiden Grimshaw, he's so adorable. He clearly doesn't like her, which is hilarious. I don't think any of them actually do. Simon is clearly out of his mind. She must be his secret niece or something. WAIT! So now, not only is she ruining my life every week, having McFly support her and getting to spend every waking minute with the Bieber Boyband, she's now stealing my dream of being Simon Cowell's niece?! Not cool, Waissel. I'd watch your back if I were you...

Is it just me, or has no one else ever heard that JLS song? I mean, I knew they were doing the Children in Need single, but I'd never heard it, and I still couldn't tell you how it went. I genuinely didn't understand a word they were singing. Instead, I found myself shouting, "Do a flip! Bust a move! Take your top off Marv!" That kind of thing, because it was so dull.

Westlife on the other hand... Amazing. I love Westlife. They nailed it. The best thing about Westlife is that every single song follows the same formula. There are two verses, with a chorus at the end of each, followed by a middle eight which builds and builds and builds to a phenomenal key change with pyrotechnics and a momentous step forward. That is the formula that will make me die.

But Take That... OH. MY. GOD. I was so nervous for them. And by them, I mean Robbie, because I knew he would be terrified. But, wow. He was unbelievable. And he looked so happy! They all did. Of course, I was a jibbering wreck. I mean, not only is it a monumental moment in my life, but it's a monumental moment for the nation, for the world. Take That! All five of them! In all their glory. It's such an amazing song. They've nailed it. Nailed it. I have no more words. It has made my life complete.

Dear Konnie Huq,
Please stop. Please. You were never this bad in the good old days. You were the longest serving Blue Peter presenter of all time, for Christ's sake! Please don't ever speak to Westlife again. You are clearly too stupid to do your research and realise that Mary Byrne is not actually the auntie of Nicky Byrne. People are allowed to have the same surname, you know. Don't even look at Shane. His beauty it too much for your eyes. I seem to have blocked everything else you said out my mind, so I'll let you off for the rest of the show... But next week...
Alice. x

And she managed to insult Seal! No one insults Seal! He's way too cool. The way she poses questions is so patronising, and she never actually asks what she means to ask. Seal was actually repeating everything she said to him just to make sure that's what she meant. I'm actually starting to feel sorry for her! I loved her when I was 8! Oh, Konnie.

I think that is all. I hope that is all. I'm going now to fundraise to support my X Factor voting next week. Waissel and Wagner won't win on my watch. Mark my words.

Gegheads go Global

So I haven't blogged in about seven million years, mainly because after weeks of having something to spur my rage on a Monday, I find myself One Tree Hill-less and therefore uninspired. However, after missing Gossip Girl on Wednesday, I proceeded to catch up with it on Thursday, and my, oh my, do I have something to say...

But first things first; Justin Bieber Boyband rule all. Elton John week should surely be a week of excellence, after all, it's Queen Elton John III, Commander of the Globe. But alas. Jazzy Jeff managed to crucify a song that technically he should have been good at. Slash, Brandon Flowers rocked the pink blazer way back in 2004, he got stick for it then and his was Dior Homme not Primark and he was (and is) human perfection not a big fatty fatty fat fatkins. Traget Pajet went to lunch with David Suchet... Hmmm, rhymes... Erm... No. My point was this, he was alright, not great, but when Cheryl went, "That's not a song that I'm familiar with," I actually wanted to die. Don't admit on national television that you are not familiar with one of the most famous songs in the world. 'Crocodile Rock' is a classic, love. Oh, the shame...

Everyone else was average, even Matt and Rebecca. Matt should have sung 'Your Song' and even though Rebecca sounded amazing and looked amazing, 'Candle in the Wind' is quite possibly the most depressingly annoying song in the history of all time. She was wasted on it. But she quickly redeemed herself by using the term 'gegging'. Now for those of you who are not from Merseyside like yours truly, to geg is to put oneself in a situation in which they shouldn't really be. Allow me to contextualise. My friend was invited to a party, but she didn't want to go alone and so asked me to go with her even though I didn't know anyone and wasn't invited myself. I therefore felt as though I was 'gegging in' on the party. I was a 'geghead'. Rebecca felt as though she was 'gegging in' on the Harry Potter premiere. It's kind of like gatecrashing a suppose, but it was just excellent to hear a term I frequently use and am responded to in complete and utter confusion expressed on such a public platform. Prepare for gegging to go global.

I'm going to move swiftly away from the Harry Potter premiere as I had myself intended to go, wand in hand, but being the genius I am, managed to mix my days up. Missing my true loves; Curly Bieber, Asian Bieber and McFly... Not cool. But back to One Direction. THEY NAILED IT. Best performance of theirs by far, and easily the best performance of the night, hands down.

Xtra Factor was of course a total treat. Konnie is really starting to wind me up. Yes, I know I've been going on about how much she irritates me for the past few weeks, but tonight she really got me riled. "I thought Paije was really good last week, but actually, I'm not allowed to give an opinion, so just forget what I just said." Erm... You are clearly insane. What are you talking about? How are you still allowed to be doing this show? I don't ever remember you having this much trouble on Blue Peter. But the worst part was when she was sat with two members of McFly either side of her. I don't think I've ever seen an interviewer ever be so obliviously rude. Every time Danny started to voice an opinion, she would interrupt and turn her back to him to speak to Harry or Tom. Slash, Konnie, you're married and they have girlfriends, and are mine, hands off. Oh my God, I just remembered: "Everybody wants a bit of Zain". Or was it, "I'd like a bit of Zain" or something equally as inappropriate to that effect. Oh dear. McFly were hilarious though, as expected. And they want the Bieber Boyband to win. Applause.

Wagner or Katie will go I think, but I've been wrong every time so who knows/cares.

Gossip Girl. It was excellent; it's really getting back to season one good. And I love that. Chuck and Blair are excellent, Nate is as cute as ever, Lily Bass is still a hero and I'm actually intrigued as to what's going on. I think I posted my theory that jailbird Ben is the guy who went to prison for the murder of that guy that Serena 'killed'. I'm sticking with it. Although I'm probably wrong.

"You're worth so much more than any guest lecturer fee." Oh, Dan Humphrey, you charmer, you. With comments like that you could sweep any girl off their feet. I mean, seriously? They're actually scripting lines like, "you're worth so much more than any guest lecturer fee"? Embarrassing for everyone involved. And the best thing about it, was Serena was all like, "yeah, I know." Erm... stop being a filthy slag. And when she told Blair about Colin, and she was like, "You deserve better," and Serena was like, "Yeah, I know, he should totally give up teaching to be with me." Why should he? Why should he quit his job to be with you? Do you really hold yourself in such high esteem as to think men should just give up their entire lives just to spend an hour with you? Tone it down. And when he did quit his job for her, she then decided she didn't want to be with him after all! WHAT THE HELL?! So you make your would be boyfriend quite his job on the premise that you can be together and then dump him? Classy.

I'm most upset though about Colin leaving, he was so pretty. Slash, Vanessa is one crazy bitch. Obviously, she's always been this annoying idiot in the background causing aggro where there need not be, but she has cranked that crazy up about twenty five notches. I mean, she looked high for most of the episode. She's a genuine psychopath. Over Dan Humphrey as well. He's so irritating! I just... Never will I understand. Does he love Serena? Does he not love Serena? Why does everyone love Serena when she treats people like dirt?! Enraged.

What else..? Take That: Look Back, Don't Stare. Oh, Robbie. Oh, Gary. Oh, Mark. Oh, Howard. Oh, Jason. I mean, realistically, it was quite a boring documentary and failed to ignite any new excitement in me, but having said that, I don't think I could be any more excited than I already am. I'm at the stage where I'm literally shaking at the mention of them. Someone only has to say 'Take' and I'm a hideous mess on the floor. I'm a hideous mess on the floor by the time someone's make the 't' sound. God I love them. The thing is with programmes such as this, is that in a way, they ruin the magic. I don't want to see them fighting. I want to think of them as being bezzies, all having a laugh in the studio, cranking out some of the greatest songs of all time. The Flood is one of their best songs ever. It's unbelievable, and such a good song to relaunch themselves with. I love that Elton John just popped up in this too. In his Adidas trackie. It was an Elton John fest. I love how casual they are with him. I'm pretty sure Robbie called him 'El'. Gangster. He said it best though when he said, "I'm getting tears in my eyes seeing you all back together." It's such an emotional time. Such an emotional time. The dream I've had since I was five has finally come true. But even still, I felt like the documentary was just completely unnecessary; the process has been so highly publicised, we know everything there is to know, but I suppose it's always nice to hear what they have to say themselves. I just worship Gary Barlow. He's so talented it hurts. And I'm literally dying of anticipation for their performance tomorrow. I've said from the beginning that Simon would nail it, and he has. King of the World. Well done, Simon.

Until tomorrow, adieu.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet...

I hate Katie. She should have gone. The producers messed it up by the order in which the judges were asked who they wanted out; if Cheryl had gone last it would almost certainly have gone to dead lock and we would not be saying farewell to Trake, but instead moaning about how we have to sit through another of her performances next week. However, we (and by we, I mean I) are left filled with a dangerously unhealthy rage level that so far as caused damage to several personal possessions. You can't shout "sod it" in the middle of a song, throw yourself to the ground, forget your words and expect the public to like you. She's such a hideous mess. I get Simon likes her, but what's the point of continually saving her she's hated by the public?! Seriously. Even if he gave her a record deal after, she'd sell less records than Nadine Coyle. There is a reason she's failed so many times and that is because no one likes her pathetic attitude and her insistence on pretending to be 'quirky' and modest. It's so painfully transparent. I HATE HER!

But go Bieber Boyband - they totally nailed it last night. They'll win. I know it. Plus, a bit of partial nudity on the Xtra Factor never hurt anyone. But I'm not going to go any further, as just the mention of the Xtra Factor makes me cringe so hard my body actually spasms and it hurts. It took Konnie three attempts to say the word 'contingent'. Words fail me.

Slash, I am barely able to breathe at the thought of next week's gift of Westlife and Take That. I might literally die of anticipation.

Must I remind you that she's a gigantic gypo...?

OK, so Cher sang. Great. It's a singing competition. That's what she's meant to do. I still don't like her. I don't think I ever will. It's the permanent scowl on her face that's covered in about 3 inches of orange foundation that makes me really angry. You're 16, you're not a gangsta from da hood. I'm sure she's a really nice girl... when she's not stealing from your bag and taking the loot back to her caravan.

Justin Bieber Boyband nailed it again. What's worrying me the most about the Bieber Boyband obsession is that I have started to refer to them by their actual names. Why is this happening? Why are they becoming real people and not Bieber related novelty items? I'll tell you why... THEY'RE SO FREAKIN' AWESOME. I genuinely thought they nailed it tonight, as always. But even with Original Bieber's near fatal injury, a week spent running over fans in their taxi and Louis Walsh's son being such a complete and utter thicko, they still came out and nailed it. Jay Z's "protégée" Alexis Jordan was just on the Xtra Factor practically dying talking about Curly Bieber. It's spreading. It's Bieber Fever times five. No one is safe.

The Halloween theme was pretty poor all round. I mean, what has Barry Manilow/Take That's classic 'Could It Be Magic' got to do with Halloween at all? It was literally just like, 'Oh, we'll stick some devil horns on Big Fat Mary, and make her try and be sexy, that'll scare all the kids.' It scared me. Please, Mary, I'm begging you. Don't try and be sexy, ever. It's just not going to work for you, and the more and more you try, the less likely they're going to cast you in Chicago. They want to at least imagine that you can pull off the role, and I've been campaigning for you for weeks, please don't mess it up at the last minute.

Treyc is so pointless. Yes, she can sing. Great. But no one will ever ever buy any of her music for two reasons. 1. It'll be shit, 2. No one cares. The same with Paije. Back to Black for Halloween?! Just because black is a scary colour? Good one. After weeks of laughing at Jazzy Jeff, it occurred to me that he actually is Kenan Thompson of Kenan and Kel fame. I don't know how I haven't seen it before! I feel like I've been tricked. I was blind but now I have received my sight back by some miracle of Bieber. Maybe it was the ridiculous 80s get ups.

Matt was good, but not as good as last week. Again, how tenuous a link is 'Bleeding Love' to Halloween? I keep getting distracted, I'm watching Elton John at the Electric Proms, nailing it. I'm also stressing uncontrollably about the clocks going back and what time I'll actually wake up, but there we go... Where was I...? Ah yes, Matt. I still love him, even though he is losing his hair. Let's just hope he suits a shaved head, because that's the way it's going. If they try and spray it on, or dye it... No. Please no. Not worth thinking about.

Rebecca was amazing, as per usual. So much better than Cher. Just because Cher had a bigger production and she's about 3 but looks about 30. She makes me so angry.

Aiden was poor again. But he's just so darn cute. It was really really boring. How can you make Thriller boring? It's so catchy and dancey, but apparently, when Aiden sings it, it becomes the most unexciting, hideously tedious, unmelodic piece of garbage ever. Poor Aiden. He deserves so much better, even with his big fat legs.

Erm... I can't even remember who else there was. Urrrrgggggjbsndguianoinvraio! Wagner. Of course. He's going this week. He has to. There was no comedy element to that performance at all, although I think he may have some stiff competition from Belle Amie, who were equally as awful and forgettable. Katie now appears to just be doing the same performance over and over again to different songs. So boring and she looked like an idiot. That's them all isn't it?

Let's be realistic, Bieber Boyband are going to win. The screams are ludicrous. You couldn't even hear what the judges were saying over the screaming. It wasn't even just young girls, it was everyone. They have a universal love that will last for the rest of time. They'll be taking over the world, one paeodophilic woman at a time. Oh, Bieber...

"Oh, you're an idiot"

JUSTICE IS MINE!

After weeks of travelling up and down the country, campaigning my little heart out to get John out, Careworker, 29 has finally gone home! Andy Abraham has finally gone back to working the bins where he belongs. Who chooses to sing Kelly Clarkson because 'the song means so much to so many people', and then forgets the words?! Dick. It wasn't even in the right key! I think even his brilliantly fabulous sister, Felicia was embarrassed. And that hair...! Dear God. He was even an idiot on the Xtra Factor, 'I've taken it gracefully'. Erm... if you have to say it out loud, then you clearly haven't. Moron. 'There are a lot of pluses, and a lot of cons. There are lots of pros and cons." Thankfully,  no one will ever even have to think about him and his annoyingly small head and rubbish songs ever again. Even when he shows up in panto in Norwich or somewhere as 'John from X Factor', people will actually go, "Who?"

I did feel sorry for Treyc, although that dress was doing nothing for the tumour that's growing on her behind. She sang well though, and totally didn't deserve the bottom two treatment. I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky, if Wagner stays another week, I'm going to travel to the Boreham Wood Premier Inn and physically remove him from the country myself. It is just a shambles.

But the best thing about the main show tonight, even better than Michael Buble, was Simon Cowell's response to Belle Amie getting through. Oh my God, I have never seen a smugger face in all my life, and it was brilliant. Oh, Simon. How I love you so. It was the air punch I loved the most. He's usually so reserved when it comes to expressing his joy, there's usually a smug grin and a wink, but an air punch!? Simon, you spoil us. And when he clapped at Louis, he may as well have stuck two fingers up and waved them in his face screaming, "SCREW YOU, LOUIS!" I wish he had. But alas. Maybe next week.

Michael Buble, you are my hero. He could literally sing anything. And I love him. Of course, the performance was pretty average when compared to last year's 'Cry Me A River', which, I might add, is still on the Sky+ at home. Quite possibly the best performance of anything ever. And he came from his holiday to be there! He's so dedicated to the cause! What a hero. But when it came to the interview on The Xtra Factor, he made up for the not as good as last time performance sevenfold. What a genius, a genuine genius of all the geniuses. Konnie Huq, as I may have mentioned before, is not. This is why, when Michael Buble called her an idiot, I saw my life complete before my eyes. 

Understandably, she was a bit overwhelmed by the aura of the Buble, his beauty, his presence, his humour, but come on Konnie, you presented Blue Peter, professionalism should be your middle name. I shall now transcribe the interview as I remember it:

Konnie: "So, what's your guilty pleasure?"

Michael Buble: "Probably, Air Supply."

Konnie: "Air Supply, like air? I thought you were going to say chocolate or something..."

Michael Buble: "No, Air Supply the band. Sing sing sing sing sing sing. Ho ho ho."

Konnie: "A guilty pleasure is something you're embarrassed to love."

Michael Buble: "I know what a guilty pleasure is, bitch. Who's embarrassed about something they love or are passionate about? 'Oh, my guilty pleasure is chocolate', you're an idiot."

Now, I might have added the 'bitch' and I also understand that the 'idiot' was indirect. He didn't point in her face chant, "IDIOT! IDIOT!" It would have been excellent if he had, but he didn't. Yet, he said it. He said, "You're an idiot." He then proceeded to ask her to do some sort of hair flick, which ended with her with a mouthful of hair and Michael Buble smouldering into the camera. He is cool, she is not. Fact. "I'm learning all the time, even sitting here with you, I'm learning," Yeah, Michael, learning that she's an idiot. Learning how not to conduct an interview. There were so many things that went wrong on tonight's show I can't even remember them all. I should start taking notes so I don't forget.

Oh, Buble... You are the light of my life. And also, he blatantly loves One Direction.

Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber & Bieber

I have never in my life been so disappointed. For the past few days, I have been led to believe that Justin Bieber Boyband would actually be singing the Justin Bieber classic 'Baby'. I thought my life was complete. I thought to myself, "If I die on Sunday, at least the Biebers will have sung Bieber." But apparently, mid-week, 'it went wrong'...
Now, I'm not quite sure what 'it went wrong' means. I don't care how wrong it went, Pink is not an appropriate replacement for the hero that is J.D. Bieber. Not cool, Simon. But I don't believe a word of this. My theory goes henceforth: Simon has spoken to Bieber directly, as speculation is rife that J.B wants to be a judge on the American X Factor. In this conversation, Simon has mentioned The Boyband and arranged for Bieber to either be a mentor one week and go down in history as the most amazing X Factor mentor ever in the world, or join them on stage when they obviously make it to the final and nail it. Therefore, the song that 'went wrong' was actually so freakin' good, Simon wants to save it. God I hope I'm right... If not, I have one other plan that will be acceptable to me. If they make it through to the final, and by if I mean when, they should bring Usher back and get The Boyband to perform Somebody To Love. Now that would be brilliant.

Slash, Bieber, I know you read this, I know you're my biggest fan. Get them to support you on your next tour. I'm telling you, the girls would go wild and you might actually get people older than 5 to sit through your concerts.

Let's discuss the others. Cher Lloyd is such a hideous mess it makes me want to strangle her with her own matted extensions. She's just a filthy gypo with a face full of make-up that's asking for a slap. A very dear friend of mine put it so eloquently when she texted me the following: "If I pooed on stage, it'd be better than Cher." This  statement rings the beans of truth more than anything else I have ever heard.

Dear Careworker, 29,
You can blame the 'distracting' dancers all you want, you are still shit,
Love Alice. x

What is with that hair? How did his hair grow so quickly since last week? If they gave him some sort of weave/hair piece I will actually vomit. It was like some sort of hair hat. It was reminiscent of some sort of 90s footballer. He is an idiot and he will never ever ever win this show. I'd never even heard his song either. Did any of the judges actually get the memo about this week's theme? They just sang random songs. Matt's was the only one that made sense, but we'll get to him later...

Paije was soooooooo dull, but it's nice to see he's already preparing for his future career at Butlins.

Big Fat Mary is even getting on my nerves now. Chicago is calling my love.

Aiden was better than last week, but was still pretty poor. I feel sorry for him, peaking so early and all, but I just want him to pull it back so much! Come on, Aiden! I never thought I'd ever say this, but I don't think he's feeling the music quite enough... I'm not sure I really mean that, so don't read too much into it.

Katie, Katie, Katie... No matter how much the judges praise her for her performances and declare how nice she is, she will always be hated because she says stupid things and is clearly just an attention whore. Slash, I take issue with The Jungle Book being a 'guilty pleasure'. There is no guilt involved in whole heartedly adoring a Disney classic. And I swear she's putting that whispy voice thing on. Go home, Katie.

Treyc is still having a hard time spelling her name but sang well. Slash, as if Whole Lotta Love is a 'guilty pleasure' either. It's going to be so much better when there's less people and the themes are set in iron-clad stone and then padlocked seven times and locked in a safe. No one can escape it then.

Erm... Rebecca was un-freakin'-believable. I loved everything about it. She's so good, so lovely and looks amazing. She could so totally win, if it wasn't for Matt...

He absolutely nailed it. In every way. Genius song, genius staging, genius guitar, nice arms... He was outstanding. It actually saddens me that he's so good because that ruins One Direction's chances.

I almost forgot about Belle Amie. As if they sang a song that Girls Aloud covered and tried to pass it off as a guilty pleasure in front of Cheryl. Slash, Louis Walsh: Simon is obviously giving One Direction all the attention because Belle Amie are shit and are never going to win. One Direction are freakin' awesome and so pretty and lend themselves perfectly to Bieber related nick-naming. As if Belle Amie could have nick-names like that.

I'm not even going to discuss Wagner on principal. Tool.

Is that them all? I don't even care. There are still too many of them to fully process.

Also, why has Cheryl convinced her category to dye their hair the same hideous colour as her own? Is it some  attempt at subliminal marketing? Because it's far from subliminal. More painfully obvious and random.

Two words... Michael Buble. I had been led to believe that Rihanna was performing alongside Cheryl tomorrow night and was hideously disappointed because I hate her with the most intense of passions. So when Dermot announced that it would be Buble, I literally screamed at the top of my voice, flapping my hands around my face as tears uncontrollably ran down my face. A slight over reaction perhaps, but nevertheless, as the proverb goes; Buble is Buble and Buble is God.

Slash, if Konnie Huq makes the same joke about the government taking away and the Xtra Factor giving back, I'm going to actually hunt her down and kill her violently in her sleep. I know it's probably not her fault, but still, she should shoot the writers for what they make her say.

Did I hear Justin Bieber Boyband...?

Too freakin' right I did!

At approximately 4.15pm, I received cryptic text from the very same strictly anonymous source who informed me of Festa, saying this: "Just a heads up, my mate who works in Topman said that Simon Cowell & a few contestants will be in Topshop around 5pm xx". Read into this what you will. I was sitting with a group of chums casually discussing the torture that lay before us in the form of a book launch of sorts when I received this textual message. Having been discussing the Justin Bieber Boyband with a blonde haired amigo all the long day, we decided that this was too good an opportunity to miss, and so off we ran into the cold night...

Given that we ultimately had 15 minutes to get there, in rush hour, after half an hour of debate as to whether my weakened heart would be able to cope, we managed to get there as the clock struck 5. We very casually strolled around Topman looking and acting very nonchalant so as not to arouse the suspicions of fellow shoppers. The Bieber Boyband was ours and we were not letting some sweaty geg-heads get their hands on them. "They're coming! They're coming!" shouted a not so subtle gay who was clearly meant to be keeping this information on the down-low. So after being followed by about 12 security guards who obviously mistook us for shoplifters, we decided that being outside would be best to get a glimpse of their genius. As we waited, rubbing shoulders with Sir Philip Green on his old-school Nokia and that stylist judge woman with the glasses from Britain's Next Top Model, we wondered if they would ever come. After approximately an hour and 45 minutes waiting, a ginormous crowd worthy of Sir Craig David himself suddenly emerged, forcing me and my blonde haired amigo and two other (late) companions out of the way. I would now suggest the use of a few choice words became more and more frequent as more and more people, who, by the way, had no idea what was going on, came and barged in front of us. Rude. But it was all worth it, as just as my hands were about to fall off my arms with cold, just as the battery on my camera died, just as I was about to stamp on a small child's head, lo and behold came The Biebers.

Now, you may think I have just taken a random picture of some people walking into Topshop, but look closer, and you will realise that the blur in the centre of the image is actually none other than Zain Malik, Asian Bieber himself, and second most attractive member of Justin Bieber Boyband. Next to him, on the left would be Other Bieber. Then, second to Asian Bieber's right would be Harry 'from Cheshire' Styles, YES THAT'S RIGHT, Curly Bieber, my favourite of all the Biebers including Justin. (Slash, maybe not Justin). 

I have photos of the other contestants, namely Matt in the Hat, who was coincidentally (or maybe not that coincidentally given his name) wearing the very hat that spawned his nickname, but they don't matter. Not when you have 3 of the 5 Biebers from the Boyband caught on camera.

I believe I screamed louder than the 12 year old girl next to me, and then proceeded to declare, "Oh my God, they're so fit!" Yeah... Not my finest hour, but I was caught up in the excitement of the whole event and, let's be honest, they're pretty fit...

Two things that should never go together:

X Factor and indifference. Yet this is what I genuinely felt this eve as to who should go.

It was obvious that the world's favourite boyband were going through, it was obvious that Matt in the Hat was through, Big Fat Mary, even Katie to a certain extent. I was however, very shocked at Belle Amie who were actually very good on Saturday, and I hate that kind of thing. I felt really sorry for them. I also felt sorry for Aidan who was so totally through but was left until last. Bless him. He must have been dying.

Wagner and Careworker, 29... Will they ever leave me alone!? Ever? Christ, they are both hideous and need to leave ASAP and as long as they're there, there is little to no tension in the results shows. And I think Simon knows. I wonder who the guests are for next week...

Slash, Diana Vickers. Where were your pants? It wasn't even an atrocious outfit, but it was an atrocious outfit on her. And I swear she wasn't actually singing words. It was all nonsense in something that loosely resembled a melody which she then went on to adamantly take credit for writing on the Xtra Factor. It was so funny when Eliza Doolittle hinted at the fact that Vickers didn't write her own stuff to which her response was, "Actually, I do all my writing. I wrote the whole of the new track that I performed, yeah, yeah." To be honest love, I wouldn't go round bragging. It was shit. And made no sense. Just... Oh no, Diana. No. Not good.

One Direction to win. End of conversation.

Holy Boyband, Bieber!

If One Direction don't win, we can say goodbye to the world as we know it.

"Farewell world! You have served us well, but now it is time for the aliens to have their turn as we all bow down to them and work tirelessly as their slaves. Thank you British Public for ruining everyone's lives. I'm actually really glad Wagner won."

Not going to happen.

After discussing at great length the implications of missing X Factor due to his concert, Brandon Flowers assured me that there was no other choice but to proceed as planned. I was hardly going to argue with someone with that face, and so I decided to suck it up and rely on the good old Sky+. The best, and worst, thing about this was that I was able to skip all the bits I really didn't care about. Therefore, I have no idea what the judges said to most of the contestants or what Wagner sang. And I skipped the end of Storm's as well. No one should sing The Boss. Let's be realistic.

I didn't realise how many contestants there actually are left. In my head, there should only be about 6, but alas, there I was thinking that Matt was about to come on and close the show, but no. Up pops Big Fat Mary, who was amazing by the way, but a bit samey. Of course, there was Bitchface Helmethead Katie, who I really don't care about. Careworker, 29/ Felicia's Brother/ Andy Abraham still boring the world to death. People need to realise, that once a song has been sung by Buble, your version is always going to reek of failure. Deal with it. Sing that one by All 4 One. You know, 'I swear, by the moooon and the staaars in the skyyyy..." That one. I can't even remember any of the others. But Bieber Boyband...

OH MY GOD! When Curly Bieber was so nervous he thought he was going to throw up and then he was crying and all the other Biebers gathered around him and were hugging him! So adorable! Poor Curly Bieber. He's so natural though. Unlike Other Bieber... But Asian Bieber looked so pretty and they were all just amazing and I love them and if they don't win it will be a travesty against humanity.

Slash, I am going to slam an axe through Louis Walsh's head. He's a dick. He drives me to the point of suicide. I hate him. And what's with the ever changing hair colour? He's clearly just trying to look more like Louis Walsh's son so that he can geg in on their success. Idiot.

Wagner and Careworker, 29 to go. Or else...

Oh, Nicolo...

Today I am not talking about TV. I shall explain why. So, this morning, I was all ready to write about tonight's Ugly Betty, because even though I hadn't seen it, I knew it would be dire. Except for sexy CSI Man, obviously. But then today, thankfully, gave me another excuse to talk about X Factor instead. Congrats to today.

This evening at approximately 18:06, I received a cryptic text from a strictly anonymous source, the details of which read, "Nooo! Nicolo from X Factor is stood outside TopShop!!!" The "Nooo!" part, was reference to the fact that the afore mentioned anonymous source had just said goodbye to me in TopShop to return to Headquarters. I was still inside. I did not receive this text until I was half way down Oxford Street, therefore missing the event altogether. I was devestated. I believe the words that came out of my mouth were somewhere along the lines of, "Oh my God, I'm going to kill myself! It's all your [other friends who were dragging me places I had no interest in going] fault! I HATE YOU ALL!" This tyrade of abuse, that was not only embarrassing my friends but also making me look like a mental patient on day release, was quickly and abruptly interrupted by an un-named witness. "Alice! Calm down, look! He's there!" And to my astonishment, there before me stood one Nicolo Festa, Italian mad man, X Factor legend, and my 4th favourite...

At this moment, I think my friends were expecting me to freak out with some sort of cringey squeel worthy of a 13 year old Bieber fan and then quickly move on, phoning everyone I know on the way to the next destination on our tour of Oxford Street. Therefore, when I began to route in my bag, they looked puzzled.

Please do not judge me when I say that I carry, at all times, a camera and the Jude Law Sharpie (named so as King Jude Law VI himself once used it). My explanation of this is simple: if I bump into Michael Buble on the street, I want to be prepared, know what I'm sayin'? "No! You cannot ask for his picture!" But I did. Sadly, my camera has remained in my bag, unused (despite having had quite a run of celebrity spotting including HRH Geri Halliwell), for so long, that it had no battery. I almost smashed it to the ground in rage. But then I remembered that it is no longer 1997 and mobile phones, including mine, now feature all kinds of high-tech insanity, including cameras.

Now, I believe, somewhere in history, that it was once said that a picture speaks a thousand words. Voila!

I once more beg of you not to judge me for my appearance, I usually look normal. It was a long, long day and I had just been under the impression that my life could have ended by missing Nicolo the Great of X Factor Fame. Imagine the trauma...

Of course, I was so overwhelmed by his celebrity that I failed to ask him any questions that I would have liked answered. Is Simon Cowell looking to adopt any 19 year old girls? Are One Direction really all 12 or is it just a voting ploy? How long does it take Mary to put on her fat suit? You know, deep investigative stuff. All I managed was, "Nicolo, I love you. I can't believe you got voted out on Saturday, it wasn't fair. I love you. You were my favourite. I love you. Would you mind taking a picture? Oh... that one's blurred, can I have another?" Of course, he wasn't my favourite, but he didn't need to know that. I did have to restrain from stroking his beautiful face, mainly as it was an inch thick with make-up as they had apparently been on This Morning this morning. Oh, I forgot to mention that he was with the chubby gay one with the pinky ring and the 27 year old guy with 2 kids that blates thought he was getting through and always wore a trilby, both of whom got to Dannii's house. They were also with Lloyd Daniels off of last year's show. Random. But no one cares about them. Anyway, Nicolo was so lovely and wished me a nice day on our departure. And so pretty! So so so pretty! And taller than I thought he would be. Slash, I don't think I've ever seen anyone love the attention so much, it was hilarious, but of course, totally justified.

And there is my tale. The End.

Dear Ofcom...

No. No. No.
X Factor, what are you trying to do to me? Why are you trying to ruin my life? Why, after all I have given to you, do you insist on ruining all my hopes and dreams? No! If I wasn't so lazy and worried about my phone bill, Ofcom would have not been able to get rid of me tonight. It's an outrage! I am now in the most hideous of rages.

I freakin LOVED Nicolo! He was so pretty! So pretty! I just can't believe that bastard Wagner is in after singing Ricky bastard Martin, and Nicolo has been sent home! And Diva fucking Fever! Who is voting for them!? Who!? Idiots, that's clearly who. And even though F.Y.D. were average, Katie 'look how edgy I am' Waissel should totally have gone. She'll be in the bottom two every week, guaranteed. People just don't like her. Fair play to her, she sang well, really really well, but you can't get away with being as fake as Lindsay Lohan's hair extensions for long. Nah, not having it. But Nicolo! Oh, Nicolo! Poor adorable Nicolo! I now see why they brough Usher in, just to calm the nation with excellence before they ruined innocent British lives. Usher, of course, was amazing, but the best part was after he sang, and Dermot went, "But you discovered Justin Bieber, so you know all about finding young talent." Bieber solves everything

Can I just say that I have never been so repulsed by a person in my life than I was tonight by Joe McElderry. Ew. He's so gross. Since when did he sing like a woman? That song, that Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat themed lighting, the choreograhpy. I mean, the boy cannot, repeat, CANNOT dance. He has little to no rhythm. None whatsoever. And what was with the Zac Efron intense stare at the end? It lasted about 12 minutes! There is a reason Zac Efron does it, and it does not work for little gayboys from South Shields. No, Joe. No. I'm sure he's a lovely person, but honestly, the way he talks, the way he moves, he reminds me of some sort of hardcore Christian that knocks on people's doors asking if they have the Lord in their hearts. Well, Joe, I've got the Dark Lord in mine, and I am not having you or your awful song. Deal with it.

I don't think I have ever been so enraged at X Factor. SO enraged was I that I actually turned on the Xtra Factor to see poor poor Nicolo's reaction, but it just made me more angry. If there was an award for the worst TV presenter of all time, it would go to Konnie Huq. Oh. My. God. Just awful. She is painful! It's almost impossible to watch. For one, the show is not at all funny and makes a mockery of the serious, hard-hitting substance of the main show. Secondly, she lacks any comic timing and is so inappropriate with the guests it makes my stomach lurch. When she told Usher he was a sex god, and then preceeded to say, "Babes, it's nice to get all hot and sweaty," I actually thought I was going to throw up. I almost died for Usher. He's so freakin' cool and she is so embarrassing. I think he felt sorry for her, because I would have walked out of that interview. And Hayden Panettiere! Note the 'I' in Panettiere, Konnie. "Hayden Panaterre!" No! How awkward! And the people who do the graphics that show the names of the guests! How hard is it to go on imdb and copy and paste it into whatever program they use. I think they actually spelt it 'Panetirere'. How does that even resemble anything close to the poor girl's actual name? And then she goes, "But now, it's time for a break," only for the camera to stay on her and some poor producer to shout down her ear that actually they're not cutting to break for another 7 minutes. "Actually, no we're not going to break, it's time for S.O.S. No, not that kind of S.O.S, Simon on Sinitta." Actually, Konnie, the segment is called 'Sinitta on Simon'. Learn the script. I think I could present that show better than she does. It just goes to show, it all goes down hill after Blue Peter...

Gamu Who?

Justin. Bieber. Boyband. I love them. Officially, truly, wholly love them. X Factor last night was the best I have ever seen it, ever. I don't even know why it was so good. It was just amazing! Now, so much happened and there are so many contestants, most of which I cannot remember, that I am going to attempt to comment on each in order.

I couldn't even remember who went first, but I am informed by the trusty X Factor website, that it was F.Y.D: They were OK. I don't really have much to say about them, except that one of them was singing was off. The one who was doing the really high part. Not good. And the one with the earring needs to get over himself ASAP. I like that they can dance though, you can't be in a boyband if you can't dance.

Matt in the Hat: I. love. him. He was amazing. A bit shaky at first, but he got there. He has the most amazing voice! Song was a bit strange, I think they were hoping for some kind of Coldplay vibe, and by the end it was good, but I felt he struggled a bit. Also, I thought that the whole point of the 'makeover' was to alter their image slightly, and in all the promos he is hatless, so I was greatly surprised that the hat returned for the first live show. The same hat, not even a different one, and it totally didn't go!

Careworker, 29: Andy Abraham has returned to X Factor in disguise in an attempt at fame once more. I can't even remember this man's name. Seriously. All, I remember about him is that he is a careworker, and he is 29. He was so forgettable. The only reason I remember him is because he looks like Andy Abraham, and that is not a good thing.

Rebecca Ferguson: She's so nice, she looked so good and she sang it really well. I'm going to throw it out there, she was a tad boring. Don't hate me. But she is. I think she'll go far though, she deserves to.

How boring were the first four?! Maybe it wasn't as good as I thought it was... No way, it was amazing.

Belle Amie: The one that did the rappy part is really good. Very pretty. But the others are so freakin average. They even said it themselves, girl bands never do well, and there is a reason for that. They're never any good. They're never going to win. They'll probably get to about week 4 and then never be seen again.

Right, I have completely and totally forgotten the order, so I'll just slag them off as I remember them.

Storm Lee: Dear Louis Walsh, you are an idiot of the highest order, Love Alice. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Poor, poor, poor Storm Lee. Correct, he is a total moron who genuinely believes himself to be some sort of international rock god, which is so painfully far from the truth. I feel so sorry for him, because he has a great voice, but the silver pants, the red hair, and OH GOD! The make-up! Oh my God. Just awful. And why were all his dancers dressed as He Who Must Not Be Named? My only possible explanation is that the Dark Lord has infiltrated X Factor through his newest Death Eater, Storm Lee. Let's just hope he wins so there's no wizarding war.

Cher Freakin' Lloyd: Has anyone, in the history of the world, ever been so annoying? Her attitude makes me want to beat her face with stones until she pleads for mercy. She was actually very good, but that permanent scowl on her face is just asking for a slap. My favourite fact about Cher Lloyd is that she is a Romany Gypsy. Of course she is! Hilarious. She already thinks she's a megastar, and, unless she wins, which is quite possible, she will realistically, fade into oblivion like all the others. Deal with it bitch.

Oh my God, Diva Fever: Oh no. Just... I... I don't even know what can be said. Just... Why? They're so bad. I mean, Purple Shirt has a nice voice, but Orange Shirt looks like he's just there for a laugh. And what was with the sparkly suits?! It was some sort of hideous 80s nightmare. I genuinely think Orange Shirt was under strict instructions not to sing. He held his mike about 12 metres away from his face and just had the most gormless smile across his face. I don't think he knew what was going on. He was just happy to be there. No chance in hell.

Paije Richardson: "I just can't go back an work in the cinema...! I... I can't sweep popcorn anymore...!" Shut up about the cinema. It's hardly the worst job in the world. Slash, you're 19, quit the cinema and work somewhere else you fool. Last night, he sang alright. Got a bit ahead of himself. What was that jacket!? I believe the words that came out of my friends mouth were: "He looks like a fat Fresh Prince!" Have truer words ever been spoken? No. He genuinely looked as though Will Smith had been squished downwards, so that all his height became fat. Not cool. "I'm so glad everyone loves me!" Erm... what? No, no, no. Don't big yourself up there Jazzy Jeff.

Katie Waissel: I still hate her, and I have a feeling that she will be going home tonight. Mainly because there are some freaks in the world obsessed with Gamu Gamu and they will make sure she goes no matter what. You are not original Katie, you were singing Queen in a weird outfit. Wow, how unique and kooky. Oh, wait. Idiot. She is way way way too over- confident and she shouldn't be. The fact that the judges have to try and overcompensate on their criticism by going on about how nice she is proves that actually, she's a bitch and she's not good. No one cares if she's nice anyway. You can be as nice as you want, but if there is a better singer/performer, you're going home, Helmet Head. Fact.

Mary 'Big Fat Mary' Byrne: Bless her. As I said last week, she'll be in Chicago in a few weeks. She can sing, in fact, she's amazing, but no. She's not going to win. She's not going to get close. I'm pleased she got such a good reception, although, after about 10 minutes of screaming, I was beyond bored. Jog on, we get it, you're big and fat and old and really really talented, but so was Brenda from a few seasons ago. Come to think of it, I'm almost certain she went into Chicago. Maybe Simon has some sort of contract with the theatre and has to provide at least one West End star per series. Lucie Jones anyone? God, I hated her too.

Nicolo Festa: I love him. He's comedy gold. Why would you ever get him singing Lady Gaga. No one can sing Lady Gaga, not even Lady Gaga. It was awful. And the styling? It was like some sort of hideous joke. So tacky. But the thing is, he's so pretty, and in his VTs he looks so good. I think Dannii's trying to make him more 'different' than he really is. He's just a cocky gay Italian with an odd, but good, voice. There was too much going on. And his hair looked like crap. Not cool Danni, not cool.

Justin Bieber Boyband: OH MY GOD! I am beyond obsessed. They are so freakin' unbelievable. Curly Bieber is my favourite, although, I still have a soft spot for Original Bieber. And I loved it when Simon was like, "When things started to go wrong at the end, Liam came and sorted it out." Bless him! I love him. They were genuinely good though. I became hysterical. They have the Bieber Fever effect. When it was mentioned that we should go to the X Factor tour and see them, I literally became some sort of 12 year old mess. Never in my life would I ever have considered even thinking about going to the X Factor tour, but I am so there this year. But they've got such good voices and they're so pretty!
So, just so we've got this straight, there is Original Bieber (Liam Payne), Curly Bieber (Harry from Cheshire), Asian Bieber (Zain 'I'm too cool to dance' Malik), Other Bieber (The other one with dark hair) and Louis Walsh's Son/Kian from Westlife (Niall from Ireland). They could be the Justin Bieber version of the Spice Girls.
I LOVE THEM! I knew they'd be a success... Just saying...

Wagner: Why? Why? Why? He's like the Indian Chief version of Chico. She Bangs by Ricky Martin? Seriously? Oh my God it was so hilarious. When they brought the bongos out! Oh my God! He didn't even play them in time or anything! And what was with his hoop earrings? And his half pony? With a velvet jacket? Words fail me.

Aiden Grimshaw: He is beyond adorable. I cringed slightly when he started to really 'feel the music' which I hate hate hate beyond belief. But his voice is amazing. He's such a popstar. He'll do well. Although, if he doesn't I think Andrew Lloyd Webber might cast him in Phantom.

Treyc Cohen: "Best vocal performance of the night." Sorry, what Simon? No, no, no. You must have still been thinking about One Direction. Treyc can't even spell her own name right. No, no, no. She's alright. But no. Slash, her arse is quite possibly the largest thing I have ever witnessed in all of time. That dress was not flattering at all. Although, I'm not sure any item of clothing will flatter that. No.

I literally can't wait another week. And what makes it worse is that I'm not even going to be able to watch it live on Saturday! I might ring Brandon Flowers and ask him to move his concert. He's American, I get it, he probably didn't realise X Factor was on, but I'm sure, once he finds out, he'll move the concert ASAP. I mean, he won't want to miss it either.

My predictions for the double elimination tonight are thus: Katie Waissel and, with any luck, Careworker, 29.

I promise to stop talking about Justin Bieber

At least for a few days. Slash, it's X Factor tomorrow, so maybe next week.

We all know I love the Justin Bieber boyband, so my life was made when last night, whilst I was watching Celebrity Juice, they started talking about them. Of course, they referred to them as One Direction (a poor band name) when lo and behold, Paloma Faith goes, "Oh, are they the ones that all look like Justin Bieber?"

My reaction to this was thus:

1. Screaming
2. Running into each of my flatmates rooms individually, still screaming
3. Repeating the story at least thrice to each flatmate
4. Getting into bed, too excited to sleep and thinking, 'I must blog about this tomorrow'.

If, after this, Simon Cowell still fails to secure Justin Bieber for at least one live show, I will sue him.

I would also like to point out that Paloma Faith should stop stealing my ideas.

Cheryl Cole Has Lost Her Mind

Literally gone insane. For one, Cher didn't deserve to get in. I know that Cheryl always had that soft spot for her, but seriously. If it was anyone else, they would never have stood a chance. She didn't even sing the song! She just stood there, being hideously overdramatic, sang about one line and gave up. She gave up! Cheryl even gave her a chance to come back later and she gave up! She's a quitter! OK, so she had tonsilitus, if she had told Cheryl that, and then attempted to sing the song all the way through, then I could understand it. But to give up is not good enough. She's only 16, she can come back next year and be guaranteed a place in the Judge's Houses at least! I'M SO ANGRY! It's ludicrous. Outrage!

And stupid horrible hideous Katie. I loathe everything about her! She is so false it's embarrassing. I seriously though Cheryl would be able to see all that, but alas, it appears malaria messes with your common sense. That fake breakdown was seriously pathetic. And her voice is nothing special. I feel like she's some sort of plant, an actor put there by the producers to try and cause drama. She's awful, just awful.

And what about poor Gamu? She irritated me beyond belief but she can sing. At least Rebecca was the right choice.

JUSTIN BIEBER BOYBAND! Genius. Simon is going to make them so good. I knew they'd get through and I am seriously pleased they did. I was so impressed with them, despite having doubts at first. I know they'll start getting on my nerves as soon as they start trying to take themselves too seriously, and the makeover has not served them well. But I'm sure they'll be great. In fact, Simon made all the right choices. Although, I did like The Reason. But they failed, lets be honest.

Louis stands no chance of even getting an act past the 3rd week. Not one of them is decent. Big Fat Mary will be Mama Morton is Chicago by February, Storm, although having a fantastic voice, is going nowhere with that new red hair, and I can't even remember the other one's name. I know he's 29 and a careworker. Great. I actually feel sorry for Louis, but he didn't even put the girl with the best voice through, so he's made his bed. Idiot. Although I do miss Wagner. What a legend.

Dannii had the hardest decisions. But she made the right choices too. I love Matt with the Hat. He's so adorable and he's got the most amazing voice. He'll do well, he may even win, but if he does he'll never actually make it. It's sad, but true - Steve Brookstein anyone? Tragic really. But at least he's in. Aidan is super cute, but 'feels the music' too much. It's embarrassing. I can't remember the other one, but I remember being pleased so that's good.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE WILDCARD! The more I think about it, the less exciting it becomes, but it'll make for good television so I don't care. Next week, all the contestants from Judge's Houses get a lifeline, and are coming back next week so that each judge can choose another finalist for their category! Loves it.

Well done, Simon. You have officially nailed it. PS. Please sort Cheryl out, love from Alice. x

The Town

I hate myself for the words I am about to type, but Ben Affleck might have finally proven himself to be a good actor. I'm ashamed to admit I even found him attractive for the first time ever. Considering all the other crap he's been in, it wouldn't be hard to beat his past performances (anything with Matt Damon not included), but this film was genuinely good. In fact, I've been thinking about it all day. Unfortunately, this is in part, slash majorly due to the fact that I have written a much better alternate ending. Whilst discussing with a close and very distinguished friend, we have decided that Ben Affleck should be informed that the ending of his movie is, for want of a better word, gay.

The plot of the film is genius, although it was based on a book, so no credit for Affleck there. The direction, the camera work and the performances were all fantastic though, so brava Ben. Even Blake Lively was good! I have made my feelings towards Blake Lively perfectly clear here before, and they have not changed, at all. Her role was completely and utterly pointless. Totally. Fair play to her for fighting her arse off for the part (apparently she got on the train to Boston (shock, horror, gasp!) and managed to convince Ben Affleck that she was actually from Boston and got the role, despite him refusing to even see her for the part) but still, even if they'd given it to a genuine 30 year old crack whore, the role was completely and utterly futile, to the point of frustration. My only explanation for them even putting it into the film in the first place was that, initially, she was in more scenes and they got cut down in editing, probably to make room for the worst ending ever. Yes I get that she is there to help establish Ben Affleck's past, and the relationship between him and Jeremy Renner but still. On reflection, Blake Lively's performance wasn't as good as I thought it was, with her stand out line being, "I'm goin wit choo," in the most unconvincing of accents ever. But she didn't annoy me as much as she does in everyday life so I shall move on...

If all two of you don't want to know the ending, please don't read on because I have every intention of ruining it and ripping it to shreads.

So Ben Affleck is a bank robber of sorts that robs banks for this guy with his mates and they're really good at it. When they rob the first bank, they end up taking Rebecca Hall hostage because she sounds the alarm and they want to scare her into not talking to the FBI because Jon Hamm (FBI agent extraordinaire) has been after them for a while. So after they let her go, Jeremy Renner's all like "we need to watch her", but he's been on a bit of a killing rampage so Ben Affleck decides to keep an eye on her himself, only to fall madly in love with her. At this point she doesn't know it's him that robbed her so it's not that weird. But then they start to get worse at robbing banks and Jon Hamm catches up with them. Ultimately, they get caught, they all get shot, except Ben Affleck who manages to escape, but has to give up on his dream of being with Rebecca Hall. Tragic. He's like the most loveable, adorable bank robber ever. I love films where you route for the criminals! But the ending is just awful.

After declaring all the way through the film that he's never killed anyone, he kills the big boss man and his assistant (which I really didn't want him to do because he really didn't want to do it, but they deserved it). That itself was disappointing. Then he calls Rebecca Hall who has been 'cooperating' with Jon Hamm, and I use that term lightly because once she realises that Ben Affleck is a wanted criminal, she tries to lie to them to protect him. When she receives the call, the FBI are there with her, anticipating it. Ben Affleck can see all of this from his prime observation spot across the street. The FBI are telling her to make him come to the apartment so they can catch him in a pretty pathetic trap. Of course, she doesn't want this to happen, and even though he already knows that he's not going to turn up, as they say their cryptic farewells on the phone, Rebecca Hall manages to sneakily tip him off as to what's going on with a nice smirk. But, as we all know, Jon Hamm is a freakin genius, and so figures it out. Sadly for him, by then, Ben Affleck's already on the train to Florida and there we see him staring over a lake in his new home whilst he provides the voiceover to a rubbish letter he has written for Rebecca Hall. After all the action, it was nothing short of a let down.

This is how it should have gone: He should have called Rebecca Hall as per usual, and whilst she was delivering her cryptic message, her knowing smile should have been the cue for Affleck to smile himself, put down the phone, walk out of shot, and the credits to role, with some sort of action movie score in the background. Think Bourne Ultimatum, I mean, has he learnt nothing from Matt Damon. Much more of a cliffhanger, much more interesting, not so completely dull and pointless it ruins the whole film.

Apart from the worst ever explanation of a film, I think I have provided evidence enough that Ben Affleck should demand for the film to be re-edited and then re-released with the much better ending and then everyone will be happy. The word Oscar might even get thrown around... HA! No, not really, it wasn't that good Ben, but a valiant effort. Congrats.


Slash, just a quick thought on last night's X Factor. If Cher gets through it's a disgrace, she didn't sing, it's not fair, she gave up, she has to deal with it. That Katie girl is so false it makes me want to smash up the TV - IT'S ALL LIES! SHE'S A FAKE! UUURRRGGGHHH! And the Justin Bieber boyband, for whom I predicted great success, proved themselves to be just as fantastic as I thought. They'll get through. I bet Simon's got Bieber himself on speed dial already for the final.

Justin Bieber Boyband

X Factor is a physical beast. I freakin' love it. OK, so half the people I hate got through to Judge's Houses, but so did all the people I did like, of course I know none of their names. The man with the hat, the scouse one, the man-band and of course, Justin Bieber. You may know Justin Bieber as that annoying one that auditioned 2 years ago and made it through to Simon's house, but messed it up major by singing Take That and forgeting the words or something. For one, no one should ever attempt to sing Take That unless your name is Gary Barlow, and two, he was about 3 at the time and not even cute or endearing in anyway. Now, Liam Payne is back as Justin Bieber. I feel as though someone should tell him that Stars in their Eyes ended before he was born and that this is a competition to 'find talent'. Slash, make Simon Cowell shit loads of cash. But I love him! I can't even rememeber if he is any good, all I can see when I look at him is Bieber, and I love Bieber. So when Justin Bieber failed to get through, which was obvious when Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend was like 'Simon, we should totes switch up the categories' and Simon was all like, 'Yeah, that'll make people watch', I was dev-patelled. But I should have known! I feel a failure for not even attempting to think ahead and predict that Simon would, as he does every single year, get all the semi-good ones back and make them into bands that will never ever ever work. And so was born the Justin Bieber Boyband.

The Justin Bieber Boyband are going to be absolutely genius. They're all about 12 and not half as talented as the Bieber himself. There is a reason people haven't pelted that child to the ground with stones, and that is because however much you may want to hurt him, he's just too darn good. These kids aren't. If Simon makes them sing anything from High School Musical I will cry. Actually shed tears of disappointment. But everyone will love it. But, as was pointed out to me today, that Zain or whatever his name is, refused outright to take part in the dance task at Boot Camp. The Justin Bieber Boyband will dance. They will have to, and if he ruins my plan for them to make it all the way through to the final, just so Simon can ring the Biebs and get them to perform with him, then I will hunt him down. That is assuming that Bieber Fever will still be rife by Christmas (which it will, as long as there are teenage girls and weirdos like me). I can see it now, they're going to be as annoying as Jedward or as shit as those kids who thought they were Westlife on the last Britain's Got Talent. I think I'd love it if they were awful just as much as I'd enjoy seeing them with Justin Bieber. I also can't wait to see what God awful name they'll come up with. Something as cliched and cheesy as possible.

Ultimately, they stand absolutely no chance whatsoever. It was almost cruel to put them through.