10 O'Clock Live

Interesting. I have no idea what to really make of it. On the one hand, it was quite good for a first show, being live and all, with presenters who are more comedians and Lauren Laverne than those who are used to political interviews on live television. However, what weighs down the other hand is what would suggest to me that this show was more embarrassing than funny. The pre-recorded sketches were painful. Lauren Laverne and that other guy doing that E!News skit about the Sudan was about as humorous as undergoing a triple amputation and finding that the only available prostheses were ones you'd have to rip from the arms of dying children. It was agonisingly unfunny.

The bits that worked best were the live interviews, although, the desire to be funny overwhelmed any sense of actual question and answer protocol. I adore David Mitchell anyway, and have been told on many occasions that we would make excellent friends if I wasn't as shallow and ignorant about the world's more serious issues, but he was really good. At least with David Mitchell, it felt like the humour was more natural, that he was finding comedy in the interviewee's response rather than awaiting to see if the answer was relevant to any preprepared material. The best thing was when he kept repeating the full names of those he was interviewing. "Richard Sharp, what do you think? And what about this, Richard Sharp? Erm... Richard Sharp..." So adorable, particularly when Richard Sharp himself went, "You can just call me Richard."

Jimmy Carr was very funny. He is funny. But I only think he's funny when he's interviewing someone intellectually inferior to him. Or at least an easy target. That environmentalist was an easy target, and although Jimmy Carr was able to get a lot of comedy from the situation, the point of the interview was lost, and time had run out before Bjorn, or whatever his name was, had even really begun to mention why he was there. Although, if you're going to go around claiming that building volcanoes is going to help solve global warming, I think you're only fair game. "Some might say, you put the 'mental' in 'environmentalist'." Excellent. Plus a nice gag about Bjorn Again is always going to make me laugh. His Tunisia bit though... Not so good. I saw the aim, and it could have been really funny, but in a live environment, it looked more like some sort of GCSE drama attempt. I would know, I've appeared in many such like it. But I thought he was excellent at keeping the whole thing together, he's quick which is helpful when people are running out of things to say or when the others tell jokes that bomb.

I love Charlie Brooker. I do. Even if his wife is thee worst television presenter of all time. I shall never forget her calling Usher a 'sex-god'... And he was funny. Not very funny. But funny enough. Obviously, it being the first show and everything, there were bound to be nerves, but when you're in the middle of a surprisingly convincing spur of the moment rant, to trip over the punch line and then go back and fix it when it didn't really need to be fixed ruins the illusion somewhat and therefore the whole idea of the joke being funny. What's funny in writing does not necessarily translate onto television. Tragic, because I adore his writing, and even though he writes how I imagine he would speak, it's not the same when you know it's scripted. I don't know... Maybe he'll get better. I hope so.

I'm not sure I even want to comment on Lauren Laverne. The only reason she's really there is because they needed a woman and let's be honest, there are few who are decent enough or in the right vein for the show. She was painful. She's not funny, she tries too hard, and she is clearly quite ignorant of the subject matter being discussed. If you're going to be on a show about politics, at least brush up a bit. Slash, the topics for discussion had clearly been rehearsed, why had someone not pointed out to her that she was talking a load of crap.

Lauren Laverne: "Obviously, with Ed Balls married to Yvette Cooper and them both now being in the cabinet, it might get a bit awkward. What do you think?"
David Mitchell: "Well, they were both in the cabinet together before, so nothing will change..."

Being undermined whilst attempting to sound like you know what you're talking about on live television by a colleague with much greater intelligence must be hard. But that was funny. Quite possibly the funniest bit of the show and (seemingly) unscripted. Excellent.

I'll watch again next week and hope it gets better. I think it has great potential, but I think they're trying too hard and attempting to fit way too much into the time they have. But what do I know? Well, I'm going to suggest a bit more than Lauren Laverne... About comedy anyway.

Original Man of Mayhem

DISCLAIMER: Do you want to know what's tragic? I wrote about 1000 words on the how this night has changed my life, how one 16 year old has influenced my soul, and shaped the person I'm going to be. Then, I somehow managed to delete the whole fucking thing. So now, if the following sounds as though my passion for Bieber is dying, don't believe it. It'll just be the self loathing seeping from my words, tainting my love as I attempt to remember the genius I created before.

Only one man, sorry, child can get away with declaring himself the Original Man of Mayhem and that man, sorry, child, goes by the name of Justin Drew Bieber.

If I told you that all my dreams came true tonight, would you judge me? I judge myself, I don't know what I'm talking about. It was just incredible.

I don't even know where to begin. Genuinely, I don't. The boy is a God, a hero, a genius. I mean, I hate to blow my own trumpet, but not only did I predict a Bieber appearance, but I did say that he'd sing a medley of his hits...

I'm just about calming down as I write this, mainly after I was brought smack down to earth by being a technological retard, but I'm still hyped. In a serious, medically concerning sort of way. I cannot even begin to attempt to explain the hysteria that filled every inch of my flat tonight. If I tried, I would fail. There was physical shaking, screaming, arm flapping, jumpers being taken off due to an overwhelming increase in body temperature, fits of giggles, tears of sheer joy, hyperventilating. That sort of thing. By hysteria, I mean hysteria. It's even harder trying to explain it now after having written it once so eloquently. You know, I was right in that head space and now I'm so full of rage with my computer that I can barely string a sentence together, let alone one about the hero that is J. D. Bieber.

So after last time going on about how this is becoming an X Factor blog, it would now appear I have created some sort of Justin Bieber fansite. A shrine to Bieber for the over 5s. I feel like one of those morons who are obsessed with Twilight and write fan-fiction about Cedric Diggory pretending he's a vampire and falling in love with them. I promise it will stop soon. Just not tonight.

As soon as he came on I knew he was going to sing Somebody to Love. I knew it. I could sense it. I just... I just... Oh, Bieber. Words fail me, and for once, in a good way. What makes it all even better is that I've just remembered that The Wanted were on before. I had genuinely forgotten they'd even shown up. There was no need for them. Bieber blew them out of the water. Failures.

I believe that the first thing I ever posted on here was a description of Justin's performance on the VMAs. What was so great about tonight, was that it was almost identical. Let's not mention my failure to procure tickets to his tour...

Here is a list of reasons I loved Justin Bieber's performance so much tonight:

1. The fact that he sang Somebody to Love, my personal favourite.
2. The dance break. God, I love me a dance break. And so seamlessly into Baby.
3. The sick dance moves in general. That kid can throw some serious shapes.
4. He did my favourite dance. Twice.
5. He mimed his way through the entire performance. Not only did he mime, but he did it so unashamedly.
6. The fact that his excuse for lip syncing was that his vocal coach told him that if he sang live it would damage his voice forever.
7. That jacket. 'J. Bieber: Original Man of Mayhem'. Genius.

And after the greatest performance of all time came the greatest interview of all time. You forget that, because he's the coolest most bad-ass human to ever walk the earth, he's actually 8 and never finished school. So when he talks, it's slightly disappointing. Nevertheless, he completely bypassed all of Dermot's questions just to start chatting up Cheryl Cole. Wow. I mean, the wave, the wink, the internationally recognised sign for 'call me'. We all know she ran straight back stage to get his number. And who can blame her? He's a genuine God amongst men. I wonder if the Jews know that the messiah has arrived, and he hails from Stratford, Ontario? 

Oh yeah. In the midst of all the Bieber Fever, I found myself forgetting, slash, completely not caring, that it was the results show and that Katie and Wagner went. Big deal. Everyone knew they would. Although I was scared for One Direction at one point. Who leaves them to the end? That's just toying with people's emotions. Highly unnecessary.

Before I forget, I've checked Bieber's schedule and he's available on Decemeber 11th, the date of the X Factor final. I'm not suggesting anything, but coincidence? I think not...

Slash, it would appear that Nicole Scherzinger has been possessed by the spirit of Michael Jackson. We know how you speak! Who are you trying to kid? That weird, spaced out, high pitched nonsense? Not having it love. 

Anyway, onto the important stuff. In what world is it just that Konnie Huq gets to meet Justin Bieber and I don't? I bet he's the cockiest little bastard ever, and for that I love him more. I bet he was all like, "One what? One Direction? Nah, mate, I'm off to the bar." See, I'm so much more deserving than she is. I genuinely don't think she could have been more patronising if she tried. I can't remember much of what he said, mainly because the majority of what comes out of his mouth doesn't actually make sense, what with him being an undereducated youth and all, but whilst academically challenged, that boy is wise beyond his 7 years.

Konnie: "Do you have any advice for the contestants on how to deal with the fame and the pressure?"

Justin Drew Bieber: "Errrrrr... Yeah... You know... Just. Errrrr... Just remember where you came from, and you know... You... You gotta put God first, you know..."

Preach it, JB! So deep, so wise. There's something so normal and comforting about a 5 year old international sensation preaching the word of the Lord. Excellent. I know that that advice is sticking with me for the rest of time. Always put God first. I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

But don't interrupt him whilst he's eating. Just don't. I think it might actually be in the Bible. Let me check... Ah yes: Thou must not disturb Bieber at the table. It's the secret 11th commandment.

I'm also pretty sure Konnie managed to make some sort of comment about schizophrenia in regards to Katie whilst in conversation with Dr Karl Kennedy and The Hoff which I couldn't let slide.

But now, I'm actually sitting, waiting with bated breath for the first picture of One Direction with Justin Bieber to come out. I have to see it with my own eyes. It will be printed off and framed immediately. I need it.

Oh, Simon. How well you have done. The whole show was dominated by a single child from the depths of Canada. No one even cared about the elimination! Loves it! Everyone's just slagging off Bieber on Twitter. Excellent.

I leave you with a link to the greatest performance of all time. Maybe the second greatest, I mean, there's no drum solo in this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEXAXsroBgE 

JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER

My life is now complete.

Mr Justin Drew Bieber will be sharing the stage with his 5 doppelgangers; Original, Curly, Asian, Other and Louis Walsh's Son/Kian from Westlife. Did you ever believe this day would come?! I mean, I knew Simon would nail it, but after they failed to sing Bieber in guilty pleasures week, I began to slowly lose hope/the will to live.

The revelation came much like this:
Dermot: "Next week, we have some very special guests..."
Us: "I wonder who it will be!"
Dermot: "The Wanted will be here!"
Me: "I fucking hate The Wanted, great. I can't believe they're on, they're rubbish, I'm so angry."
Dermot: "Teen sensation, Justin Bieber will be right here on this stage..."
Us: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! BIEBER! BIEBER!"
Me: "I HAVE TO CALL EVERYONE I KNOW!"
Unidentified female flatmate: "NO WAY!"
Unidentified male flatemate: "MY LIFE IS COMPLETE"
Us: "MINE TOO!"

20 minutes later...

Us: "JUSTIN BIEBER!"

The hysteria has just about died down. Just. Not only is it the fact that Justin Drew Bieber is a gangsta, it's the fact that the Justin Bieber Boyband will meet Justin Bieber. There will be photographic evidence of all the Biebers all together. I seriously don't think I can handle that much Bieber. It's too much! Way too much!

I mean, it's obvious now what's going to happen isn't it? When Justin Bieber Boyband get into the final, you know exactly who Simon will be on the phone to. YES, YES, YES! The plan has fallen so perfectly into place, I'm actually quite scared as to how accurate I have been about this whole situation. Maybe Simon can sense my vibes. Or maybe the combination of Harry Styles and Justin Bieber is sending me straight to a mental institution. Who knows?

I suppose we best mention poor Tragay Pajay. Let's be honest, he was never going to win. I loved that Cher was in the bottom two though. She needed that knock. Slap that gypsy snarl off her fluorescent skin. How, in the name of all that is holy and good, can Wagner still be in the competition? Oh wait, I know, Cheryl was a proper bitch to him and the public did it to piss her off. GOOD! I was genuinely shocked and appalled at her comments. "I believe you've been saying stuff about me in the press, that I come from a council estate..." Firstly, Cheryl, that's true my love. And secondly, the poor man can barely speak the Queen's English. Most of the time he has no idea what the hell is going on, he just stands there with a stupid smile on his face and his dangly earrings resting on his chest. Majorly unprofessional, majorly inappropriate, and you therefore earned yourself Cher in the bottom two. Deal with it. The worst thing about it was that she didn't even apologise. Every other sentence out of that woman's mouth is, "Don't believe everything you read in the press," and there she is publicly humiliating poor old innocent Indian Chief Wagner. Not cool, Cheryl. Not cool. Maybe if you sorted your outfits out he'd be a bit nicer next time an undercover reporter is misquoting him.

Erm... Katie's hair. Words fail me. She actually sang really well. Horrible arrangement. But really well. I was far from impressed when she made it through though. But realistically, we all know who's going to win, so who cares any more? If I hear any more Emma Watson comparisons I'm going to lose my mind. I can't stand either of them, putting them in the same sentence is just infuriating.

Obv, One Direction nailed it. Not as good as Elton John week, but they still nailed it. Perfectly. Rebecca was a let down, in terms of outfit and performance. I do feel sorry for her though, all the hopes and dreams of Liverpool were pinned onto the poor girl. Slash, I thought she'd nail it. Nail it for scousers everywhere. Tragic.

Can I quickly just say that Steven Gerrard is not only a local hero, but a genuine hero of our times. What a legend. "Ahhhh, maayyyttteee, meeee kids are, lyyyyke, roooooouuutin' for uuuuuse lot, bu' I lyyyyke Rebecccccca, uuuuuuse know, cozzzz, weeeeze bot' from Liverrpoooool." I LOVE HIM! Shaking hands with One Direction, AMAZING!

Justin Bieber.

What else... Oh, I loved it on ITV2 when they were showing how all the contestants get ready for the show and Dermot was like, "I usually listen to a Killers song." Hero. Genuine hero. He knows what's right. Such a shame Konnie Huq does not.

Oh, Cheryl...

It didn't work for Mel B, why would it work for you? Her hair was so not cute. Oh, just awful. What's going on, Cheryl?! You had such beautiful hair and now... Well... I don't even know what to say... Just, awful. I think it was meant to be some sort of bow, but it just looked like she could have been an extra in the video for Spice Up Your Life.

But the fact that Aiden was eliminated makes me want to kill myself. Erm... British public, hello? What's going on? Wagner in, Aiden out? Let me tell you something: Wagner is not funny. You clearly have no sense of humour whatsoever. At all. Nil. Wagner is NOT funny. I'm hilarious, I would know. Of course, I didn't vote; I'm not going to waste my money on such rubbish. BUT I WILL NOW! I will not rest until justice is mine! And Katie Waissel? I despair. She sang fantastically on her save me song, but her career is not going to be built on save me songs. Unless her first album is 'Katie Waissel: Songs that Saved Me' in which case, I would personally buy them all just to burn them in a bonfire the size of China. And what's going on with her hair? She's got none left! Why haven't they stripped it?! Or at least given her an everyday wig? Dear God. I get that she can sing, I actually like her voice, but I would never buy anything she released, mainly because she's so false it actually causes me heart palpitations. And when she was trying to hug Aiden when they were in the bottom two?! GET OFF HIM! HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR FALSE SYMPATHY BITCH! Oh, poor Aiden Grimshaw, he's so adorable. He clearly doesn't like her, which is hilarious. I don't think any of them actually do. Simon is clearly out of his mind. She must be his secret niece or something. WAIT! So now, not only is she ruining my life every week, having McFly support her and getting to spend every waking minute with the Bieber Boyband, she's now stealing my dream of being Simon Cowell's niece?! Not cool, Waissel. I'd watch your back if I were you...

Is it just me, or has no one else ever heard that JLS song? I mean, I knew they were doing the Children in Need single, but I'd never heard it, and I still couldn't tell you how it went. I genuinely didn't understand a word they were singing. Instead, I found myself shouting, "Do a flip! Bust a move! Take your top off Marv!" That kind of thing, because it was so dull.

Westlife on the other hand... Amazing. I love Westlife. They nailed it. The best thing about Westlife is that every single song follows the same formula. There are two verses, with a chorus at the end of each, followed by a middle eight which builds and builds and builds to a phenomenal key change with pyrotechnics and a momentous step forward. That is the formula that will make me die.

But Take That... OH. MY. GOD. I was so nervous for them. And by them, I mean Robbie, because I knew he would be terrified. But, wow. He was unbelievable. And he looked so happy! They all did. Of course, I was a jibbering wreck. I mean, not only is it a monumental moment in my life, but it's a monumental moment for the nation, for the world. Take That! All five of them! In all their glory. It's such an amazing song. They've nailed it. Nailed it. I have no more words. It has made my life complete.

Dear Konnie Huq,
Please stop. Please. You were never this bad in the good old days. You were the longest serving Blue Peter presenter of all time, for Christ's sake! Please don't ever speak to Westlife again. You are clearly too stupid to do your research and realise that Mary Byrne is not actually the auntie of Nicky Byrne. People are allowed to have the same surname, you know. Don't even look at Shane. His beauty it too much for your eyes. I seem to have blocked everything else you said out my mind, so I'll let you off for the rest of the show... But next week...
Alice. x

And she managed to insult Seal! No one insults Seal! He's way too cool. The way she poses questions is so patronising, and she never actually asks what she means to ask. Seal was actually repeating everything she said to him just to make sure that's what she meant. I'm actually starting to feel sorry for her! I loved her when I was 8! Oh, Konnie.

I think that is all. I hope that is all. I'm going now to fundraise to support my X Factor voting next week. Waissel and Wagner won't win on my watch. Mark my words.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet...

I hate Katie. She should have gone. The producers messed it up by the order in which the judges were asked who they wanted out; if Cheryl had gone last it would almost certainly have gone to dead lock and we would not be saying farewell to Trake, but instead moaning about how we have to sit through another of her performances next week. However, we (and by we, I mean I) are left filled with a dangerously unhealthy rage level that so far as caused damage to several personal possessions. You can't shout "sod it" in the middle of a song, throw yourself to the ground, forget your words and expect the public to like you. She's such a hideous mess. I get Simon likes her, but what's the point of continually saving her she's hated by the public?! Seriously. Even if he gave her a record deal after, she'd sell less records than Nadine Coyle. There is a reason she's failed so many times and that is because no one likes her pathetic attitude and her insistence on pretending to be 'quirky' and modest. It's so painfully transparent. I HATE HER!

But go Bieber Boyband - they totally nailed it last night. They'll win. I know it. Plus, a bit of partial nudity on the Xtra Factor never hurt anyone. But I'm not going to go any further, as just the mention of the Xtra Factor makes me cringe so hard my body actually spasms and it hurts. It took Konnie three attempts to say the word 'contingent'. Words fail me.

Slash, I am barely able to breathe at the thought of next week's gift of Westlife and Take That. I might literally die of anticipation.

"Oh, you're an idiot"

JUSTICE IS MINE!

After weeks of travelling up and down the country, campaigning my little heart out to get John out, Careworker, 29 has finally gone home! Andy Abraham has finally gone back to working the bins where he belongs. Who chooses to sing Kelly Clarkson because 'the song means so much to so many people', and then forgets the words?! Dick. It wasn't even in the right key! I think even his brilliantly fabulous sister, Felicia was embarrassed. And that hair...! Dear God. He was even an idiot on the Xtra Factor, 'I've taken it gracefully'. Erm... if you have to say it out loud, then you clearly haven't. Moron. 'There are a lot of pluses, and a lot of cons. There are lots of pros and cons." Thankfully,  no one will ever even have to think about him and his annoyingly small head and rubbish songs ever again. Even when he shows up in panto in Norwich or somewhere as 'John from X Factor', people will actually go, "Who?"

I did feel sorry for Treyc, although that dress was doing nothing for the tumour that's growing on her behind. She sang well though, and totally didn't deserve the bottom two treatment. I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky, if Wagner stays another week, I'm going to travel to the Boreham Wood Premier Inn and physically remove him from the country myself. It is just a shambles.

But the best thing about the main show tonight, even better than Michael Buble, was Simon Cowell's response to Belle Amie getting through. Oh my God, I have never seen a smugger face in all my life, and it was brilliant. Oh, Simon. How I love you so. It was the air punch I loved the most. He's usually so reserved when it comes to expressing his joy, there's usually a smug grin and a wink, but an air punch!? Simon, you spoil us. And when he clapped at Louis, he may as well have stuck two fingers up and waved them in his face screaming, "SCREW YOU, LOUIS!" I wish he had. But alas. Maybe next week.

Michael Buble, you are my hero. He could literally sing anything. And I love him. Of course, the performance was pretty average when compared to last year's 'Cry Me A River', which, I might add, is still on the Sky+ at home. Quite possibly the best performance of anything ever. And he came from his holiday to be there! He's so dedicated to the cause! What a hero. But when it came to the interview on The Xtra Factor, he made up for the not as good as last time performance sevenfold. What a genius, a genuine genius of all the geniuses. Konnie Huq, as I may have mentioned before, is not. This is why, when Michael Buble called her an idiot, I saw my life complete before my eyes. 

Understandably, she was a bit overwhelmed by the aura of the Buble, his beauty, his presence, his humour, but come on Konnie, you presented Blue Peter, professionalism should be your middle name. I shall now transcribe the interview as I remember it:

Konnie: "So, what's your guilty pleasure?"

Michael Buble: "Probably, Air Supply."

Konnie: "Air Supply, like air? I thought you were going to say chocolate or something..."

Michael Buble: "No, Air Supply the band. Sing sing sing sing sing sing. Ho ho ho."

Konnie: "A guilty pleasure is something you're embarrassed to love."

Michael Buble: "I know what a guilty pleasure is, bitch. Who's embarrassed about something they love or are passionate about? 'Oh, my guilty pleasure is chocolate', you're an idiot."

Now, I might have added the 'bitch' and I also understand that the 'idiot' was indirect. He didn't point in her face chant, "IDIOT! IDIOT!" It would have been excellent if he had, but he didn't. Yet, he said it. He said, "You're an idiot." He then proceeded to ask her to do some sort of hair flick, which ended with her with a mouthful of hair and Michael Buble smouldering into the camera. He is cool, she is not. Fact. "I'm learning all the time, even sitting here with you, I'm learning," Yeah, Michael, learning that she's an idiot. Learning how not to conduct an interview. There were so many things that went wrong on tonight's show I can't even remember them all. I should start taking notes so I don't forget.

Oh, Buble... You are the light of my life. And also, he blatantly loves One Direction.

Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber & Bieber

I have never in my life been so disappointed. For the past few days, I have been led to believe that Justin Bieber Boyband would actually be singing the Justin Bieber classic 'Baby'. I thought my life was complete. I thought to myself, "If I die on Sunday, at least the Biebers will have sung Bieber." But apparently, mid-week, 'it went wrong'...
Now, I'm not quite sure what 'it went wrong' means. I don't care how wrong it went, Pink is not an appropriate replacement for the hero that is J.D. Bieber. Not cool, Simon. But I don't believe a word of this. My theory goes henceforth: Simon has spoken to Bieber directly, as speculation is rife that J.B wants to be a judge on the American X Factor. In this conversation, Simon has mentioned The Boyband and arranged for Bieber to either be a mentor one week and go down in history as the most amazing X Factor mentor ever in the world, or join them on stage when they obviously make it to the final and nail it. Therefore, the song that 'went wrong' was actually so freakin' good, Simon wants to save it. God I hope I'm right... If not, I have one other plan that will be acceptable to me. If they make it through to the final, and by if I mean when, they should bring Usher back and get The Boyband to perform Somebody To Love. Now that would be brilliant.

Slash, Bieber, I know you read this, I know you're my biggest fan. Get them to support you on your next tour. I'm telling you, the girls would go wild and you might actually get people older than 5 to sit through your concerts.

Let's discuss the others. Cher Lloyd is such a hideous mess it makes me want to strangle her with her own matted extensions. She's just a filthy gypo with a face full of make-up that's asking for a slap. A very dear friend of mine put it so eloquently when she texted me the following: "If I pooed on stage, it'd be better than Cher." This  statement rings the beans of truth more than anything else I have ever heard.

Dear Careworker, 29,
You can blame the 'distracting' dancers all you want, you are still shit,
Love Alice. x

What is with that hair? How did his hair grow so quickly since last week? If they gave him some sort of weave/hair piece I will actually vomit. It was like some sort of hair hat. It was reminiscent of some sort of 90s footballer. He is an idiot and he will never ever ever win this show. I'd never even heard his song either. Did any of the judges actually get the memo about this week's theme? They just sang random songs. Matt's was the only one that made sense, but we'll get to him later...

Paije was soooooooo dull, but it's nice to see he's already preparing for his future career at Butlins.

Big Fat Mary is even getting on my nerves now. Chicago is calling my love.

Aiden was better than last week, but was still pretty poor. I feel sorry for him, peaking so early and all, but I just want him to pull it back so much! Come on, Aiden! I never thought I'd ever say this, but I don't think he's feeling the music quite enough... I'm not sure I really mean that, so don't read too much into it.

Katie, Katie, Katie... No matter how much the judges praise her for her performances and declare how nice she is, she will always be hated because she says stupid things and is clearly just an attention whore. Slash, I take issue with The Jungle Book being a 'guilty pleasure'. There is no guilt involved in whole heartedly adoring a Disney classic. And I swear she's putting that whispy voice thing on. Go home, Katie.

Treyc is still having a hard time spelling her name but sang well. Slash, as if Whole Lotta Love is a 'guilty pleasure' either. It's going to be so much better when there's less people and the themes are set in iron-clad stone and then padlocked seven times and locked in a safe. No one can escape it then.

Erm... Rebecca was un-freakin'-believable. I loved everything about it. She's so good, so lovely and looks amazing. She could so totally win, if it wasn't for Matt...

He absolutely nailed it. In every way. Genius song, genius staging, genius guitar, nice arms... He was outstanding. It actually saddens me that he's so good because that ruins One Direction's chances.

I almost forgot about Belle Amie. As if they sang a song that Girls Aloud covered and tried to pass it off as a guilty pleasure in front of Cheryl. Slash, Louis Walsh: Simon is obviously giving One Direction all the attention because Belle Amie are shit and are never going to win. One Direction are freakin' awesome and so pretty and lend themselves perfectly to Bieber related nick-naming. As if Belle Amie could have nick-names like that.

I'm not even going to discuss Wagner on principal. Tool.

Is that them all? I don't even care. There are still too many of them to fully process.

Also, why has Cheryl convinced her category to dye their hair the same hideous colour as her own? Is it some  attempt at subliminal marketing? Because it's far from subliminal. More painfully obvious and random.

Two words... Michael Buble. I had been led to believe that Rihanna was performing alongside Cheryl tomorrow night and was hideously disappointed because I hate her with the most intense of passions. So when Dermot announced that it would be Buble, I literally screamed at the top of my voice, flapping my hands around my face as tears uncontrollably ran down my face. A slight over reaction perhaps, but nevertheless, as the proverb goes; Buble is Buble and Buble is God.

Slash, if Konnie Huq makes the same joke about the government taking away and the Xtra Factor giving back, I'm going to actually hunt her down and kill her violently in her sleep. I know it's probably not her fault, but still, she should shoot the writers for what they make her say.

Dear Ofcom...

No. No. No.
X Factor, what are you trying to do to me? Why are you trying to ruin my life? Why, after all I have given to you, do you insist on ruining all my hopes and dreams? No! If I wasn't so lazy and worried about my phone bill, Ofcom would have not been able to get rid of me tonight. It's an outrage! I am now in the most hideous of rages.

I freakin LOVED Nicolo! He was so pretty! So pretty! I just can't believe that bastard Wagner is in after singing Ricky bastard Martin, and Nicolo has been sent home! And Diva fucking Fever! Who is voting for them!? Who!? Idiots, that's clearly who. And even though F.Y.D. were average, Katie 'look how edgy I am' Waissel should totally have gone. She'll be in the bottom two every week, guaranteed. People just don't like her. Fair play to her, she sang well, really really well, but you can't get away with being as fake as Lindsay Lohan's hair extensions for long. Nah, not having it. But Nicolo! Oh, Nicolo! Poor adorable Nicolo! I now see why they brough Usher in, just to calm the nation with excellence before they ruined innocent British lives. Usher, of course, was amazing, but the best part was after he sang, and Dermot went, "But you discovered Justin Bieber, so you know all about finding young talent." Bieber solves everything

Can I just say that I have never been so repulsed by a person in my life than I was tonight by Joe McElderry. Ew. He's so gross. Since when did he sing like a woman? That song, that Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat themed lighting, the choreograhpy. I mean, the boy cannot, repeat, CANNOT dance. He has little to no rhythm. None whatsoever. And what was with the Zac Efron intense stare at the end? It lasted about 12 minutes! There is a reason Zac Efron does it, and it does not work for little gayboys from South Shields. No, Joe. No. I'm sure he's a lovely person, but honestly, the way he talks, the way he moves, he reminds me of some sort of hardcore Christian that knocks on people's doors asking if they have the Lord in their hearts. Well, Joe, I've got the Dark Lord in mine, and I am not having you or your awful song. Deal with it.

I don't think I have ever been so enraged at X Factor. SO enraged was I that I actually turned on the Xtra Factor to see poor poor Nicolo's reaction, but it just made me more angry. If there was an award for the worst TV presenter of all time, it would go to Konnie Huq. Oh. My. God. Just awful. She is painful! It's almost impossible to watch. For one, the show is not at all funny and makes a mockery of the serious, hard-hitting substance of the main show. Secondly, she lacks any comic timing and is so inappropriate with the guests it makes my stomach lurch. When she told Usher he was a sex god, and then preceeded to say, "Babes, it's nice to get all hot and sweaty," I actually thought I was going to throw up. I almost died for Usher. He's so freakin' cool and she is so embarrassing. I think he felt sorry for her, because I would have walked out of that interview. And Hayden Panettiere! Note the 'I' in Panettiere, Konnie. "Hayden Panaterre!" No! How awkward! And the people who do the graphics that show the names of the guests! How hard is it to go on imdb and copy and paste it into whatever program they use. I think they actually spelt it 'Panetirere'. How does that even resemble anything close to the poor girl's actual name? And then she goes, "But now, it's time for a break," only for the camera to stay on her and some poor producer to shout down her ear that actually they're not cutting to break for another 7 minutes. "Actually, no we're not going to break, it's time for S.O.S. No, not that kind of S.O.S, Simon on Sinitta." Actually, Konnie, the segment is called 'Sinitta on Simon'. Learn the script. I think I could present that show better than she does. It just goes to show, it all goes down hill after Blue Peter...