"I think she'll be an owl..."

Just when you thought One Tree Hill couldn't possibly get any worse, they bring the world the worst ever in the history of humanity worst series finale ever. And what makes it even worse, is that E4 decided to show it as a double bill, as though the suspense from the first part would be so great that we couldn't physically wait another week for the next one. Either that or they just wanted it to end. On reflection it's probably the latter. In fact, it's definitely the latter.

I actually made notes. I never make notes on anything, but so many bad things happened that I realised about 5 minutes in that I would never be able to remember them, and they were too good to waste.

Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott is just the worst. The worst. She makes depression laughable. I love that she practically refuses to speak to anyone and instead decides that the best way to behave is to regress to some sort of spoilt 16 year old brat. She just strolls into Clothes Over Bros with Brooke and gives Victoria all this 'tude. It's like, nah-uh honey, I ain't takin' that. She was even chewing gum. I mean, what the hell. I don't think I will ever understand why the writers seem to think that we will believe that Hayley inspires anyone. Oh wait, I forgot,   she's a multi-platinum selling musician who inspires the world through her lyrics. How silly of me. I also forgot that being depressed means that you can't do laundry. That's why Nathan had to do it and turned all Jamie's socks pink! God Hayley, you need to stop being such a diva and do your husband's washing, bitch. What a terrible mother. I knew, as soon as you saw her on the phone, that Hayley was ringing her mother's mobile. What a tool. And Nathan's discovery of this was genius. "Hmmmm... why are there so many calls to Hayley's mum's number from Hayley's cell? Hmmmmm... Mystery..." GAY!

And what the hell was Quinn's Goonie inspired trail all about? There is no need for all these pointless sub-plots. Not that you can really call that a plot. It was more like, 'We've paid for her this season, let's use her'. He's 7, he's not a retard. Although it's questionable. If my auntie had tried to make me so something that stupid I would have thrown the biggest tantrum ever and torn up her stupid map right in her face. Slash, can I just say, that the 'snack' they were having wasn't fooling anyone. There is no way in hell that kid snacks on carrot sticks. Not unless they're coated in lard. The worst part about it was when Jamie drew that picture for Hayley. "Mama, you're our treasure, Love Jamie". Vom. Hayley, you are quite possibly my least favourite person on television, and I have some very strong feelings about Cher Lloyd and Louis Walsh.

Speaking of Quinn, I swear to God, how many times does she need to be naked. I get it, she's got a great body, thanks for rubbing that in my big fat face and making me feel greatly inferior. But seriously. OK, when she was trying to 'seduce' Clay (I don't think the word 'cringe' has ever been more appropriate) it made sense, but getting locked outside in a bikini, in the middle of the snowy Utah mountains... What? And then, 'Oh look here, a strategically placed furry hat and some walking boots! I shall now walk through this freezing blizzard to the local cafe where I will storm in a demand a key from my increasingly less attractive boyfriend.' Not cool. I wish they'd make her character less wet. She's such a drip. Shut up, Quinn. No one cares. I'm glad she got shot. Oooops. Don't want to spoilt the painfully abysmal ending...

I love Julian. I love him. But he needs a haircut, and after I declared this, it was later referenced about 5 times throughout the two episodes. Why doesn't he get it cut then? Ah... that is something we will never know. They mystery of One Tree Hill. Brooke is such a fatty trying to get out bless her. But as if he has the Film Festival people saved in his phone contacts. When the phone rang and the name appeared, it was just painful. That doesn't happen ever! And no one will ever want to see his movie because it has the most awful name ever, "Seven Days Til Tuesday". What?! That doesn't even make sense. And it sounds like the kind of film that would make me want to hang myself.

Slash, I can't believe I haven't mentioned Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott's suicide attempt. Well, it was advertised as a suicide attempt. In reality, it was more like she was swimming underwater for a long time and then Nathan jumped in and ruined her fun. "Breathe, Hayley! Breathe!" Erm... she is breathing. She's absolutely fine. It wasn't even dramatic. If you can count on One Tree Hill for anything, then it's a sense of over the top drama. But no, even that has sadly disappeared.

Back to Julian. Although his movie is awful, despite the standing ovation, (yeah, OK...) he looked nice in his suit. Slash, Jamie's premiere suit wasn't even funny. What kind of mother lets their child go to a highly photographed event dressed as a bull fighter? She's obviously too famous for regular clothing. But Julian has great taste in engagement rings. Quite possibly the worst proposal ever, but the ring was pretty impressive. Good old Brulian.

It's says here in my notes, "Jamie's fringe". Need I say more? I think not.

Oh my God, Quinn is such an idiot. There she was, taking a nice walk with her "baby" sister and she has to ruin it with, "Mom believed in reincarnation. I think she'll be an owl..." I'm sorry, what? Que? Quoi? An owl? Words fail me. All I could think for the 20 minutes that followed was, "I'm not an owl, Ron!" My favourite line from Harry Potter ever. Ho, ho, ho! But when Hayley saw that owl at the end, literally all I could do was sigh. It was so predictable and so ludicrous. And as if she went up to it and stroked it! WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU CRAZY BITCH!? IT'S AN OWL! I was just waiting for it to lose it's mind and start clawing her eyes out. I was very disappointed when it didn't, I'm not going to lie.

I don't care about Grubbs, Mia or Stephen from Laguna Beach. I feel like they're just there to kill some time. And why did Stephen from Laguna Beach go to Utah with them? Has he even ever spoken to Julian?! Go and hang out with LC, leave everyone alone you annoying little boy. Oh, I don't care about pubescent Justin Timberlake either. No one cares if he's gay or not. I don't think anyone would care if he was dead. Slash, I'm sure that Hollywood is full of really attractive rubbish actors, why not cast one of them as the 'leading man'? This guy must be the producer's son or something. How embarrassing.

Just a quick note about Alex. First of all, I know she wants to hide her scars and all, but what's with the arm warmer/vest combo? Not a cute look. And if she was that worried about scars, maybe she should have put more thought into how she was going to kill herself instead of acting on impulse. Serves her right. And also, how is having a different name a secret of the same magnitude as hiding your homosexuality from your family and the international press and public? Erm... let me think. It's not. Everyone has a stage name you idiot. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO BRAND ALICE AS A HORRIBLE NAME!? Her and her pube-headed actor friend make me sick. Was it meant to be dramatic? "It's Alice, Alice Whitehead..." Actually, that's just about a normal name as Alex Dupree, although, not as trampy. Bitch.

Now, to the ending of this season. Usually, there's a good ending. We all remember Hayley and Nathan's wedding when the limo crashed into the lake. Loves it. We all remember Dan Scott shooting Keith. Will anyone ever remember this? Probably not. And let me tell you why. First off, Hayley's pregnancy is now surprise. The only surprising thing about it is that she is now some sort of psychic and can tell the sex of the baby by magic or voodoo or something. "I'm pregnant and I think it's going to be a girl." Who says that? No one. Second of all, a shooting should always have impact. This was quite possibly the worst shooting I have ever witnessed. As soon as Clay told Quinn to go to bed, I knew CrazyBitch would be waiting. BANG! I love that Clay's response to an obvious gun shot in his house was an inquisitive, "Quinn...?" as if she'd knocked something over. 'I know what I'll do, I'll follow the sound of the gun shot and see what's happening...' No, Clay, you're clearly an idiot. BANG! Now, from all my experience in gun crime, I'm pretty sure that those shots would have killed both of them. Yet I know this to not be the case. This is the issue when America are so far ahead. I know that both of them are going to be in the next season. So it's obvious. There was no drama, no tension. I wanted some sort of Derek/Peyton thing, where it was so tense that I actually couldn't watch. It made me jump so badly. Whereas with this I was more, 'Hmm.. OK, whatevs' which a casual shrug of the shoulders. The best bit of this boring shooting was CrazyBitch's exit. I love how she used the curtain like a cape; swinging it over her shoulders as she disappears into the night. It was genuinely like some sort of piss take. It was almost as if they were trying to be ironic. It was that bad.

Dear One Tree Hill,
Please let Julian get his hair cut and marry Brooke in a nice happy ceremony (with lots of twists). Please help Jamie cut the carbs. Please give Quinn some clothes. Please don't let Hayley's pregnancy come between her and her loyal fans. Please let Clay live and realise that actually he and Quinn are really annoying together and he could be a lot more interesting if he actually grew a pair and started behaving like a normal human being. Oh, and please, please, PLEASE get some new scriptwriters.
Thanking you in advance,
Alice. x

Julian Baker

One Tree Hill now has way too many characters, so much so that the hero that is Julian Baker is not in it enough at all. And let us be honest with ourselves, do we watch it for anything else? No. Except maybe Clay. But not even really for him.

Tonight's episode was another snoozefest, but at least it's starting to hint at more promising things to come. I forget that they're all internationally recognised heroes of industry. There is a town in North Carolina where the majority of the world's biggest celebrities all live, and coincidentally, were all friends before their rise to the A List. Surely it's statistically impossible; that a group of no marks from a no mark town in a no mark state would all become so famous it makes Brad Pitt look like an extra from Hollyoaks. It's ludicrous that they expect us to believe this crap! What's more ludicrous is that they're trying to pass Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott as Quinn's 'younger' sister. She's clearly 47, there is no way in hell she is younger than Quinn. No way. She could play Quinn's mother. Although, I'd like to forget that Quinn and Hayley ever had a mother, as she nearly bored me into a coma the past few weeks.

I love that for Quinn's art show or gallery opening or whatever the hell it was, she turned up and was surprised by how everything was laid out. Surely, surely, being the 'artist' and all, she would have done it herself. And the photos were so random. "We spent an entire week in that village and those girls kept following me around..." An entire week in a third world country?! Well aren't you quite the philanthropist?! Idiot. And that portrait of Clay was hilarious. I love that he wasn't expecting it either, even though it was clearly posed for. And when the actress who played his dead wife and is now playing his stalker who looks like his dead wife showed up, I was thinking, it would be so hilariously cliche if he dropped his drink right now. Whatcha know! And it was so undramatic.

As was Hayley's pregnancy test. When she turned it over, I was expecting there to be some dramatic response in the mirror, or at least a dramatic cut away with some dramatic music, but no. She's too famous for all that. I forget. Oh my God. Why is Nathan still allowed to act? I loved it when he was the rebellious youth, now he's just a boring old man, when actually he's still meant to be about 23. "Your mom's just putting her pretty face on. Well... her prettier face." Smooth, Nate. She can't hear you sucking up to her. Slash, she's hideous with make-up on, especially when she applies it like some sort of evil clown. Christ. And the part where Nathan and Jamie played RockBand. Why do they have KISS costumes just lying around? I mean, the make-up is one unnecessary thing, but the wings and leathers? Erm... no. And it went on for about 5 hours. I understand they were trying to show the bond between Nathan and his son, but realistically, no one cares because he can't act and his son is fat.

Julian's Ryan Atwood complex is still rearing it's head, but now that Brooke's behaving like a reasonable human being again all it's not as frustrating. Slash, Alex is a whore and he shouldn't help her. Who even consents to having sex with the most hideous 'movie star' ever? He's about 2 foot tall with hair worthy of a 15 year old Justin Timberlake. Not a good look. And what is that accent? Where is he from? It was so obvious he was behind the 'leaking' of the sex tape. Poor Julian. Who wants to blackmail him?! He's way too pretty. And $1million? Oh wait, sorry! I forget that they're so famous they're actually worth this. Julian, be normal, let the tape leak and gain free publicity for your shitacious film. No one cares about Alex's mental state, she's an idiot with fat legs. I did love it at the end though when Julian and Brooke were in bed. He might as well have been speaking in Shakespearean verse. No one speaks like that. "You're even more beautiful than in my dreams..." Vom. I'll let it slide Jay, but only because you were topless. Say that shit fully clothed and we'll have to have words.

Oh, and there was that whole Mouth, Skills and Skill's girlfriend who looks like Mouth situation. Does anyone care? No. None of them are attractive enough for us to care. And as soon as Quinn revealed the 'live art', it was so obvious what was going to happen. Skills would catch Mouth and Skill's girlfriend who looks like Mouth together and Victoria and Alexander would also be found out. How stupid is Brooke by the way, not to figure any of this out? Alexander also coincidentally has the hair of a ninties boyband member. I'm thinking something like Richie from 5ive. Is that who had hair like that? I never liked Richie, he had the eyes of a serial killer, and he went out with Billie Piper. I was actually quite upset when they broke up and she got together with Chris Evans. Random.

Anyway, the show is finally getting better, and now that there is a crazy stalker, we're almost guaranteed a good storyline. Hopefully that won't involved Hayley 'I'm so famous' too much. She drives me mad!

Slash, where has Dan Scott gone?

Dear Julian Baker of One Tree Hill Fame...

... If you actually did what we're led to believe you have done, I will be forced to commit a series of very serious crimes for which I will hold you solely accountable.
Love Alice.

Here's the deal. I am beyond bored of the Brooke/Julian (or if you prefer, Brulian) will they, won't they situation. We all know they're going to get back together, and just when I thought it was finally about to happen, Julian 'walks Alex back to her room', only for Brooke to walk into his room and find Alex naked in his bed. What the hell!? Surely he can't have done it, HE CAN'T HAVE DONE! God, this show is going to send me to an early grave. I don't even know why it stresses me out so much, it's not like it's even any good, but I just cannot accept that this has happened. That is why my thoughts are thus: Julian did not sleep with Alex and there appears to have been just some great misunderstanding. She was moaning about how she couldn't sleep in her room because of the patio furniture salesmen who were living it up big time, and so Julian, for the good of the film of course, offered to switch rooms with her or something. Then, Brooke, not knowing this, will be all like, "You know what, Julian, I was just beginning to think I could trust you again, but I guess I was wrong," and storm off, for him to follow her, explain his way out of it and then they'll have some hilariously over the top kiss with Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott singing in the background. Excellent.

This might sound harsh, but are we really meant to care that Hayley's mum (whose name I do not know) is dying. I get that it's a sad situation, but seriously. She literally just turned up and we're meant to feel some sort of connection to her. Slash, when did Hayley have such a big family? I love that they just showed up out of nowhere and we're meant to believe that they've always been super close. Plus, Jamie is not cute enough anymore to make things sad. Sorry, but it's true. I swear they're slipping growth stunting substances into his bacon, ice cream and lard sandwiches.

But my favourite moment of the episode was, of course, when Brooke tried to convince the consierge at the hotel to let her have Julian's key and he was there reading all about their break-up in a celebrity gossip magazine! Lest us forget how famous they all are! And he was all like, "Oh, I'm such a big fan, I'm so glad you two are back together!" And Brooke was all like, "You can't always believe what you read in the papers!" It's so ridiculous! But I freakin' love it! I wonder whe Hayley's next album's out...

Welcome

Hello and welcome to I Miss Brookside, a (hopefully) satirical blog dedicated to critiquing and reviewing TV, film, and pretty much anything else worth commenting on.

I would primarily like the thank Monday night's abismal episode of One Tree Hill for riling me enough to start this blog and vent my frustration. It was just awful. I mean, Ilove One Tree Hill, and I'm not ashamed to admit that depsite the pathetic guest stars, the storylines that make 90210 seem realistic and the fact that every single character now appears to be a celebrity, the worse it gets the more I find myself enjoying it. Now that sappy, pain-in-the-arse Lucas has gone and stopped providing the painful voiceovers that start and end the show with a 'deep and meaningful' but completely irrelevant and futile look at the world, I no longer want to throw things at the television screen. The acting isn't even that bad, but the script is...

Monday saw international singing sensation, Hayley James Scott (the most famous singer in the whole entire world ever) throw an 80s themed dance at Tree Hill High. "Why?!" you may ask. I couldn't honestly tell you, other than the fact that the episode was some sort of John Hughes tribute. My favourite thing about Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott's dance was that no one seemed arsed that she was this huge international pop-star, casually throwing a particularly crappy high school dance. And, even more amusing, was that no one remembered her birthday. Not her son, her best friends, not even her huge following of hardcore fans that for some unbeknownst reason sell out all the gigs. Not even her sister. Poor Hayley James Scott. And speaking of her sister, why was Quinn so obsessed with crimping her hair? If you're that desperate, DO IT! She didn't even look 80s, more 'what were you thinking?'

Of course, my favourite character is Julian, the saviour of the show, the Christ of Tree Hill. Whilst I'm still trying to work out why the script writers thought it would ever be a good idea to have him and Brooke break up over nothing, I am revelling in the costume department's interesting attempt to dress him as Duckie from Pretty in Pink. Being a die-hard Pretty in Pink fan, I loved it of course, but at the same time, his tiny hat and sunglasses made him look as though he had the head of a giant. And what was Brooke wearing!? Dear God...

Finally, my last complaint about this particular episode was the hideous sound edit towards the end whilst Mouth was talking to that girl from England, or Australia or South Africa or wherever the hell she's from. The music went from blasting over their speech to suddenly fading into the background in the space of a milisecond. It was almost outrageous that they thought they could get away with it.

Overall though, it was pretty entertaining and, as nausea inducing it was when Alex coined the name 'Brulian' which I'm sure was intended in some 'ironic' way, I'm completely and utterly engrossed in their relationship. Perhaps maybe that was a slight exaggeration, but I'm definitely interested enough to continue to watch the show. Although why the writers thought it would be 'cute' to have two characters called Alex, I'll never quite understand. They'll so end up together.