OK, so Cher sang. Great. It's a singing competition. That's what she's meant to do. I still don't like her. I don't think I ever will. It's the permanent scowl on her face that's covered in about 3 inches of orange foundation that makes me really angry. You're 16, you're not a gangsta from da hood. I'm sure she's a really nice girl... when she's not stealing from your bag and taking the loot back to her caravan.
Justin Bieber Boyband nailed it again. What's worrying me the most about the Bieber Boyband obsession is that I have started to refer to them by their actual names. Why is this happening? Why are they becoming real people and not Bieber related novelty items? I'll tell you why... THEY'RE SO FREAKIN' AWESOME. I genuinely thought they nailed it tonight, as always. But even with Original Bieber's near fatal injury, a week spent running over fans in their taxi and Louis Walsh's son being such a complete and utter thicko, they still came out and nailed it. Jay Z's "protégée" Alexis Jordan was just on the Xtra Factor practically dying talking about Curly Bieber. It's spreading. It's Bieber Fever times five. No one is safe.
The Halloween theme was pretty poor all round. I mean, what has Barry Manilow/Take That's classic 'Could It Be Magic' got to do with Halloween at all? It was literally just like, 'Oh, we'll stick some devil horns on Big Fat Mary, and make her try and be sexy, that'll scare all the kids.' It scared me. Please, Mary, I'm begging you. Don't try and be sexy, ever. It's just not going to work for you, and the more and more you try, the less likely they're going to cast you in Chicago. They want to at least imagine that you can pull off the role, and I've been campaigning for you for weeks, please don't mess it up at the last minute.
Treyc is so pointless. Yes, she can sing. Great. But no one will ever ever buy any of her music for two reasons. 1. It'll be shit, 2. No one cares. The same with Paije. Back to Black for Halloween?! Just because black is a scary colour? Good one. After weeks of laughing at Jazzy Jeff, it occurred to me that he actually is Kenan Thompson of Kenan and Kel fame. I don't know how I haven't seen it before! I feel like I've been tricked. I was blind but now I have received my sight back by some miracle of Bieber. Maybe it was the ridiculous 80s get ups.
Matt was good, but not as good as last week. Again, how tenuous a link is 'Bleeding Love' to Halloween? I keep getting distracted, I'm watching Elton John at the Electric Proms, nailing it. I'm also stressing uncontrollably about the clocks going back and what time I'll actually wake up, but there we go... Where was I...? Ah yes, Matt. I still love him, even though he is losing his hair. Let's just hope he suits a shaved head, because that's the way it's going. If they try and spray it on, or dye it... No. Please no. Not worth thinking about.
Rebecca was amazing, as per usual. So much better than Cher. Just because Cher had a bigger production and she's about 3 but looks about 30. She makes me so angry.
Aiden was poor again. But he's just so darn cute. It was really really boring. How can you make Thriller boring? It's so catchy and dancey, but apparently, when Aiden sings it, it becomes the most unexciting, hideously tedious, unmelodic piece of garbage ever. Poor Aiden. He deserves so much better, even with his big fat legs.
Erm... I can't even remember who else there was. Urrrrgggggjbsndguianoinvraio! Wagner. Of course. He's going this week. He has to. There was no comedy element to that performance at all, although I think he may have some stiff competition from Belle Amie, who were equally as awful and forgettable. Katie now appears to just be doing the same performance over and over again to different songs. So boring and she looked like an idiot. That's them all isn't it?
Let's be realistic, Bieber Boyband are going to win. The screams are ludicrous. You couldn't even hear what the judges were saying over the screaming. It wasn't even just young girls, it was everyone. They have a universal love that will last for the rest of time. They'll be taking over the world, one paeodophilic woman at a time. Oh, Bieber...
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Dear Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott...
Do you think Bieber got where he is today by walking out on music videos? No. Do you really think Simon Cowell accepts 'making soup' as an excuse for not being on set and costing the record company $50,000? No. Do you really think anyone cares about your 'depression' when Julian was naked in the bath? No.
Can I just say, before I being to rant uncontrollably about all the things wrong with this episode of One Tree Hill and rip it brutally and unforgivingly to shreads, that I have just caught up on Friday's episode of The Mentalist, and Simon Baker crying is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen in my life. I hate Red John. I hate him for what he's done to Simon Baker. Slash, loving the Baker's new suit. Loving the Baker in general. He is amazing. I still didn't guess who did it though; he's so clever! And so pretty.
Anyway, back to the travesty that was One Tree Hill. I'm going to be honest and say that I actually didn't listen to most of what was going on for several reasons including: 'I don't care' and 'This is so boring I want to throw myself out the window'. I think the writers need to realise that whilst Skills and Mouth were good characters in the good old days when the Ravens were all together, now they are so totally irrelevant it hurts. When was the last time Nathan spoke to either of them? Yet, they're meant to be bezzies. Take the hint lads. He's a big NBA star now, he hates you, leave him alone. Also, no one cares about Mouth's new girlfriend, or Skills' ex-girlfriend or whoever she is. She looks an awful lot like the cheerleader that he used to go out with in high school, but she isn't her. No one cares.
Hayley setting fire to her piano was genius. So funny. And when Nathan ran in and was all like, "Hayley, what are you doing, you're going to get burnt!" I think that's the point numbskull. I also love that he managed to put it out with a tea towel. Classic Nathan always saving the day. I'm also really glad he was there to comfort Jamie, because when Hayley told him to go to his room, she may as well have smashed in his skull with a ladle. "You know your mom still loves you, right?" Excellent parenting, Nathan. All she said was 'go to your room'. She barely even raised her voice. Take it down a notch. Slash, as if her music video costs that much to make. As if she is making music videos! Oh wait! Of course! She's a giant great big fat celebrity! The world's favourite pop star! Sorry, I really must keep up... How many times is she going to make soup in an attempt to garner sympathy from the viewer? Must I repeat myself over and over and over... NO ONE CARES!
Erm... No one cares about Miranda and her fake English accent that is actually a real English accent and Grubbs the Jesus wannabe with the dark hair and creepily ginger beard. His song was comedy gold. Repetition is the key to success, he just needed a key change and it would have been an instant smash hit. "If I start to change, you've got to stop me." You're not the Incredible Hulk, you're a bartender who clearly thinks too much of himself and has a hideous beard. Who writes craptacular songs. And is an idiot.
Katie is a psycho. I know she's meant to be, but woah. She's insane. My favourite part of this week's instalment in this never ending and totally pointless saga was the fact that the portrait she bought of Clay in last week's episode was actually completely different this week. I swear on my life, the picture has changed. Why?! Why couldn't it be the same one? And Quinn is becoming a worse and worse actress. I think maybe it's the material she's being given, but please. She is awful. And she is about 56 years younger than her 'baby sister' Hayley.
Brooke is so irritating. I know I was campaigning for Brulian, but now I'm starting to wish he'd ditch her and find someone else. Although, quite frankly, I don't care who he's dating if he's going to be in the bath all the time. Oh, and no one cares about the gay actor either. He is about 2 foot tall, with Justin Timberlake *N Sync hair and the weirdest face I have ever seen on a human. Stop wasting Julian's time! He's got a movie to promote! I love that Brooke was all like, "You need to take it easy, I'm worried about you." Why? He's just finished making a movie, his dream, and now he's lying in a super gay bubble bath. It's not as if he's working 5 jobs, 7 days a week whilst battling some sort of terminal disease after his entire family were killed in a nuclear explosion. Chillax, Brooke. He's fine.
OH MY GOD! I actually almost forgot my favourite part of the whole show. "Hey, TMZ. Yes, this is Brooke Davis. No, actually, the person in the picture is Victoria Davis, my mother. V-I-C-T-O-R-I-A."
Let's just stop and take a second. Are we, the public, meant to actually, genuinely believe that TMZ give a shit about a shitty fashion designer from North Carolina and her mother? TMZ?! Seriously?! I don't even know what to say... I mean... It's ludicrous on so many levels. And who casually calls up TMZ and so easily clarifies such a situation? Who can't spell Victoria? No one. Oh, Mark Schwahn, with your silly name and your delusional mind, how I pity your naivety.
Who else don't I care about...? I don't even care about not caring about anyone else. The Mentalist was so good this week that it has totally taken over my brain and now I shall go and dream sweet dreams of Simon Baker's perfect smile...
Can I just say, before I being to rant uncontrollably about all the things wrong with this episode of One Tree Hill and rip it brutally and unforgivingly to shreads, that I have just caught up on Friday's episode of The Mentalist, and Simon Baker crying is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen in my life. I hate Red John. I hate him for what he's done to Simon Baker. Slash, loving the Baker's new suit. Loving the Baker in general. He is amazing. I still didn't guess who did it though; he's so clever! And so pretty.
Anyway, back to the travesty that was One Tree Hill. I'm going to be honest and say that I actually didn't listen to most of what was going on for several reasons including: 'I don't care' and 'This is so boring I want to throw myself out the window'. I think the writers need to realise that whilst Skills and Mouth were good characters in the good old days when the Ravens were all together, now they are so totally irrelevant it hurts. When was the last time Nathan spoke to either of them? Yet, they're meant to be bezzies. Take the hint lads. He's a big NBA star now, he hates you, leave him alone. Also, no one cares about Mouth's new girlfriend, or Skills' ex-girlfriend or whoever she is. She looks an awful lot like the cheerleader that he used to go out with in high school, but she isn't her. No one cares.
Hayley setting fire to her piano was genius. So funny. And when Nathan ran in and was all like, "Hayley, what are you doing, you're going to get burnt!" I think that's the point numbskull. I also love that he managed to put it out with a tea towel. Classic Nathan always saving the day. I'm also really glad he was there to comfort Jamie, because when Hayley told him to go to his room, she may as well have smashed in his skull with a ladle. "You know your mom still loves you, right?" Excellent parenting, Nathan. All she said was 'go to your room'. She barely even raised her voice. Take it down a notch. Slash, as if her music video costs that much to make. As if she is making music videos! Oh wait! Of course! She's a giant great big fat celebrity! The world's favourite pop star! Sorry, I really must keep up... How many times is she going to make soup in an attempt to garner sympathy from the viewer? Must I repeat myself over and over and over... NO ONE CARES!
Erm... No one cares about Miranda and her fake English accent that is actually a real English accent and Grubbs the Jesus wannabe with the dark hair and creepily ginger beard. His song was comedy gold. Repetition is the key to success, he just needed a key change and it would have been an instant smash hit. "If I start to change, you've got to stop me." You're not the Incredible Hulk, you're a bartender who clearly thinks too much of himself and has a hideous beard. Who writes craptacular songs. And is an idiot.
Katie is a psycho. I know she's meant to be, but woah. She's insane. My favourite part of this week's instalment in this never ending and totally pointless saga was the fact that the portrait she bought of Clay in last week's episode was actually completely different this week. I swear on my life, the picture has changed. Why?! Why couldn't it be the same one? And Quinn is becoming a worse and worse actress. I think maybe it's the material she's being given, but please. She is awful. And she is about 56 years younger than her 'baby sister' Hayley.
Brooke is so irritating. I know I was campaigning for Brulian, but now I'm starting to wish he'd ditch her and find someone else. Although, quite frankly, I don't care who he's dating if he's going to be in the bath all the time. Oh, and no one cares about the gay actor either. He is about 2 foot tall, with Justin Timberlake *N Sync hair and the weirdest face I have ever seen on a human. Stop wasting Julian's time! He's got a movie to promote! I love that Brooke was all like, "You need to take it easy, I'm worried about you." Why? He's just finished making a movie, his dream, and now he's lying in a super gay bubble bath. It's not as if he's working 5 jobs, 7 days a week whilst battling some sort of terminal disease after his entire family were killed in a nuclear explosion. Chillax, Brooke. He's fine.
OH MY GOD! I actually almost forgot my favourite part of the whole show. "Hey, TMZ. Yes, this is Brooke Davis. No, actually, the person in the picture is Victoria Davis, my mother. V-I-C-T-O-R-I-A."
Let's just stop and take a second. Are we, the public, meant to actually, genuinely believe that TMZ give a shit about a shitty fashion designer from North Carolina and her mother? TMZ?! Seriously?! I don't even know what to say... I mean... It's ludicrous on so many levels. And who casually calls up TMZ and so easily clarifies such a situation? Who can't spell Victoria? No one. Oh, Mark Schwahn, with your silly name and your delusional mind, how I pity your naivety.
Who else don't I care about...? I don't even care about not caring about anyone else. The Mentalist was so good this week that it has totally taken over my brain and now I shall go and dream sweet dreams of Simon Baker's perfect smile...
Monday, 25 October 2010
The Event
This show is seriously messed up. Like, seriously. But I love it.
Firstly, Jason Ritter is v v cute and I love him. Secondly, Luke Danes of Gilmore Girls fame is a weirdo. Thirdly, Blair Underwood isn't as good a President as I imagined him to be.
I missed it on Friday and so caught up with it over the weekend and am now so totally confused but completely hooked. I think it wants to be the new Lost, which, of course, is a highly unrealistic aim. It's Lost mixed with Invasion, a show that I adored but most people seem to think I made up. I didn't. I swear to you it existed and it was about aliens. And it had Eddie Cibrian in it, before he went and whored it up with Leann Rimes. I'm getting off point. It's no where near as good as Lost, because for some reason, the more unrealistic Lost became, the more I believed it. You follow? I have already failed to suspend my disbelief with The Event. But it keeps coming back.
I kinda wish this show had jibbed the aliens. I feel they are largely unnecessary. It's totally believable until they're all like, "Mr President, these people are not of terrestrial origin." Erm... why not? Why do they have to be aliens. I might just ignore that part of the show. Although, it has put me on edge a bit. How do we know that there aren't aliens wandering down the street, living next door to us? For all we know, they sit around Downing Street panicking that the aliens are going to start some sort of revolution and kill us all. I sincerely hope that this is not the case. I don't like the idea of aliens. I don't even like the word 'alien'. Thank God it's just a TV show.
The idea of it is is that Jason Ritter takes his very pretty girlfriend who happens to be Luke Danes' daughter on a cruise where he plans to propose. Whilst on this cruise, Jason Ritter who plays Sean Walker, saves a woman's life because her 'boyfriend' has a broken arm and can't swim. Then they totally geg in on Sean Walker's holiday and then, all of a sudden, whilst Sean Walker is off snorkling with the girl he saved, his girlfriend is kidnapped and all traces of him are removed from the ship. Now he has to try and find her. Then there is some sort of plane crash, where the plane is aimed at the President's party house and then, just before it hits, vanishes into thin air. This is because President Blair Underwood was about to announce his knowledge of the aliens on earth and attempt to integrate them into society, and they somehow stopped the plane by absorbing it in some sort of electromagnetic field and crashing it in the Arizona desert instead.
Jason Ritter/Sean Walker knows most of this, but now, he has been arrested for a murder he didn't commit, and no one even believes he has a girlfriend. To prove that she is real, he announces, "We were going to get married." If that's not cold hard evidence, I don't know what is. But I love a good conspiracy, and even though this one has disappointed me with the inclusion of aliens, when I watch it, I feel almost claustrophobic, trapped, much how I imagine Sean Walker to feel. It stresses me out. They've managed to very cleverly make Sean Walker a very empathetic character, I want him to solve it now. It ruins my life that no one believes him, and I now feel like I can't trust anyone ever again. For all I know, they're part of a real alien conspiracy. Jason Ritter is the only one who can help me. Much like Dennis Quaid is the only one who will save us when the earth begins to freeze over.
It's tense though. Really tense, and even though you know that everything is going to continually go wrong for Sean Walker, it still makes you go, "NOOOO!" when it happens. Poor, Sean Walker. He's so pretty and all he wants to do is find his girlfriend and get his identity back. Why won't they let him!? Why!?
Oh, and I'm almost certain that they're using the West Wing set for President Blair Underwood's scenes. Loves it.
Firstly, Jason Ritter is v v cute and I love him. Secondly, Luke Danes of Gilmore Girls fame is a weirdo. Thirdly, Blair Underwood isn't as good a President as I imagined him to be.
I missed it on Friday and so caught up with it over the weekend and am now so totally confused but completely hooked. I think it wants to be the new Lost, which, of course, is a highly unrealistic aim. It's Lost mixed with Invasion, a show that I adored but most people seem to think I made up. I didn't. I swear to you it existed and it was about aliens. And it had Eddie Cibrian in it, before he went and whored it up with Leann Rimes. I'm getting off point. It's no where near as good as Lost, because for some reason, the more unrealistic Lost became, the more I believed it. You follow? I have already failed to suspend my disbelief with The Event. But it keeps coming back.
I kinda wish this show had jibbed the aliens. I feel they are largely unnecessary. It's totally believable until they're all like, "Mr President, these people are not of terrestrial origin." Erm... why not? Why do they have to be aliens. I might just ignore that part of the show. Although, it has put me on edge a bit. How do we know that there aren't aliens wandering down the street, living next door to us? For all we know, they sit around Downing Street panicking that the aliens are going to start some sort of revolution and kill us all. I sincerely hope that this is not the case. I don't like the idea of aliens. I don't even like the word 'alien'. Thank God it's just a TV show.
The idea of it is is that Jason Ritter takes his very pretty girlfriend who happens to be Luke Danes' daughter on a cruise where he plans to propose. Whilst on this cruise, Jason Ritter who plays Sean Walker, saves a woman's life because her 'boyfriend' has a broken arm and can't swim. Then they totally geg in on Sean Walker's holiday and then, all of a sudden, whilst Sean Walker is off snorkling with the girl he saved, his girlfriend is kidnapped and all traces of him are removed from the ship. Now he has to try and find her. Then there is some sort of plane crash, where the plane is aimed at the President's party house and then, just before it hits, vanishes into thin air. This is because President Blair Underwood was about to announce his knowledge of the aliens on earth and attempt to integrate them into society, and they somehow stopped the plane by absorbing it in some sort of electromagnetic field and crashing it in the Arizona desert instead.
Jason Ritter/Sean Walker knows most of this, but now, he has been arrested for a murder he didn't commit, and no one even believes he has a girlfriend. To prove that she is real, he announces, "We were going to get married." If that's not cold hard evidence, I don't know what is. But I love a good conspiracy, and even though this one has disappointed me with the inclusion of aliens, when I watch it, I feel almost claustrophobic, trapped, much how I imagine Sean Walker to feel. It stresses me out. They've managed to very cleverly make Sean Walker a very empathetic character, I want him to solve it now. It ruins my life that no one believes him, and I now feel like I can't trust anyone ever again. For all I know, they're part of a real alien conspiracy. Jason Ritter is the only one who can help me. Much like Dennis Quaid is the only one who will save us when the earth begins to freeze over.
It's tense though. Really tense, and even though you know that everything is going to continually go wrong for Sean Walker, it still makes you go, "NOOOO!" when it happens. Poor, Sean Walker. He's so pretty and all he wants to do is find his girlfriend and get his identity back. Why won't they let him!? Why!?
Oh, and I'm almost certain that they're using the West Wing set for President Blair Underwood's scenes. Loves it.
Sunday, 24 October 2010
"Oh, you're an idiot"
JUSTICE IS MINE!
After weeks of travelling up and down the country, campaigning my little heart out to get John out, Careworker, 29 has finally gone home! Andy Abraham has finally gone back to working the bins where he belongs. Who chooses to sing Kelly Clarkson because 'the song means so much to so many people', and then forgets the words?! Dick. It wasn't even in the right key! I think even his brilliantly fabulous sister, Felicia was embarrassed. And that hair...! Dear God. He was even an idiot on the Xtra Factor, 'I've taken it gracefully'. Erm... if you have to say it out loud, then you clearly haven't. Moron. 'There are a lot of pluses, and a lot of cons. There are lots of pros and cons." Thankfully, no one will ever even have to think about him and his annoyingly small head and rubbish songs ever again. Even when he shows up in panto in Norwich or somewhere as 'John from X Factor', people will actually go, "Who?"
I did feel sorry for Treyc, although that dress was doing nothing for the tumour that's growing on her behind. She sang well though, and totally didn't deserve the bottom two treatment. I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky, if Wagner stays another week, I'm going to travel to the Boreham Wood Premier Inn and physically remove him from the country myself. It is just a shambles.
But the best thing about the main show tonight, even better than Michael Buble, was Simon Cowell's response to Belle Amie getting through. Oh my God, I have never seen a smugger face in all my life, and it was brilliant. Oh, Simon. How I love you so. It was the air punch I loved the most. He's usually so reserved when it comes to expressing his joy, there's usually a smug grin and a wink, but an air punch!? Simon, you spoil us. And when he clapped at Louis, he may as well have stuck two fingers up and waved them in his face screaming, "SCREW YOU, LOUIS!" I wish he had. But alas. Maybe next week.
Michael Buble, you are my hero. He could literally sing anything. And I love him. Of course, the performance was pretty average when compared to last year's 'Cry Me A River', which, I might add, is still on the Sky+ at home. Quite possibly the best performance of anything ever. And he came from his holiday to be there! He's so dedicated to the cause! What a hero. But when it came to the interview on The Xtra Factor, he made up for the not as good as last time performance sevenfold. What a genius, a genuine genius of all the geniuses. Konnie Huq, as I may have mentioned before, is not. This is why, when Michael Buble called her an idiot, I saw my life complete before my eyes.
Understandably, she was a bit overwhelmed by the aura of the Buble, his beauty, his presence, his humour, but come on Konnie, you presented Blue Peter, professionalism should be your middle name. I shall now transcribe the interview as I remember it:
Konnie: "So, what's your guilty pleasure?"
Michael Buble: "Probably, Air Supply."
Konnie: "Air Supply, like air? I thought you were going to say chocolate or something..."
Michael Buble: "No, Air Supply the band. Sing sing sing sing sing sing. Ho ho ho."
Konnie: "A guilty pleasure is something you're embarrassed to love."
Michael Buble: "I know what a guilty pleasure is, bitch. Who's embarrassed about something they love or are passionate about? 'Oh, my guilty pleasure is chocolate', you're an idiot."
Now, I might have added the 'bitch' and I also understand that the 'idiot' was indirect. He didn't point in her face chant, "IDIOT! IDIOT!" It would have been excellent if he had, but he didn't. Yet, he said it. He said, "You're an idiot." He then proceeded to ask her to do some sort of hair flick, which ended with her with a mouthful of hair and Michael Buble smouldering into the camera. He is cool, she is not. Fact. "I'm learning all the time, even sitting here with you, I'm learning," Yeah, Michael, learning that she's an idiot. Learning how not to conduct an interview. There were so many things that went wrong on tonight's show I can't even remember them all. I should start taking notes so I don't forget.
Oh, Buble... You are the light of my life. And also, he blatantly loves One Direction.
Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber & Bieber
I have never in my life been so disappointed. For the past few days, I have been led to believe that Justin Bieber Boyband would actually be singing the Justin Bieber classic 'Baby'. I thought my life was complete. I thought to myself, "If I die on Sunday, at least the Biebers will have sung Bieber." But apparently, mid-week, 'it went wrong'...
Now, I'm not quite sure what 'it went wrong' means. I don't care how wrong it went, Pink is not an appropriate replacement for the hero that is J.D. Bieber. Not cool, Simon. But I don't believe a word of this. My theory goes henceforth: Simon has spoken to Bieber directly, as speculation is rife that J.B wants to be a judge on the American X Factor. In this conversation, Simon has mentioned The Boyband and arranged for Bieber to either be a mentor one week and go down in history as the most amazing X Factor mentor ever in the world, or join them on stage when they obviously make it to the final and nail it. Therefore, the song that 'went wrong' was actually so freakin' good, Simon wants to save it. God I hope I'm right... If not, I have one other plan that will be acceptable to me. If they make it through to the final, and by if I mean when, they should bring Usher back and get The Boyband to perform Somebody To Love. Now that would be brilliant.
Slash, Bieber, I know you read this, I know you're my biggest fan. Get them to support you on your next tour. I'm telling you, the girls would go wild and you might actually get people older than 5 to sit through your concerts.
Let's discuss the others. Cher Lloyd is such a hideous mess it makes me want to strangle her with her own matted extensions. She's just a filthy gypo with a face full of make-up that's asking for a slap. A very dear friend of mine put it so eloquently when she texted me the following: "If I pooed on stage, it'd be better than Cher." This statement rings the beans of truth more than anything else I have ever heard.
Dear Careworker, 29,
You can blame the 'distracting' dancers all you want, you are still shit,
Love Alice. x
What is with that hair? How did his hair grow so quickly since last week? If they gave him some sort of weave/hair piece I will actually vomit. It was like some sort of hair hat. It was reminiscent of some sort of 90s footballer. He is an idiot and he will never ever ever win this show. I'd never even heard his song either. Did any of the judges actually get the memo about this week's theme? They just sang random songs. Matt's was the only one that made sense, but we'll get to him later...
Paije was soooooooo dull, but it's nice to see he's already preparing for his future career at Butlins.
Big Fat Mary is even getting on my nerves now. Chicago is calling my love.
Aiden was better than last week, but was still pretty poor. I feel sorry for him, peaking so early and all, but I just want him to pull it back so much! Come on, Aiden! I never thought I'd ever say this, but I don't think he's feeling the music quite enough... I'm not sure I really mean that, so don't read too much into it.
Katie, Katie, Katie... No matter how much the judges praise her for her performances and declare how nice she is, she will always be hated because she says stupid things and is clearly just an attention whore. Slash, I take issue with The Jungle Book being a 'guilty pleasure'. There is no guilt involved in whole heartedly adoring a Disney classic. And I swear she's putting that whispy voice thing on. Go home, Katie.
Treyc is still having a hard time spelling her name but sang well. Slash, as if Whole Lotta Love is a 'guilty pleasure' either. It's going to be so much better when there's less people and the themes are set in iron-clad stone and then padlocked seven times and locked in a safe. No one can escape it then.
Erm... Rebecca was un-freakin'-believable. I loved everything about it. She's so good, so lovely and looks amazing. She could so totally win, if it wasn't for Matt...
He absolutely nailed it. In every way. Genius song, genius staging, genius guitar, nice arms... He was outstanding. It actually saddens me that he's so good because that ruins One Direction's chances.
I almost forgot about Belle Amie. As if they sang a song that Girls Aloud covered and tried to pass it off as a guilty pleasure in front of Cheryl. Slash, Louis Walsh: Simon is obviously giving One Direction all the attention because Belle Amie are shit and are never going to win. One Direction are freakin' awesome and so pretty and lend themselves perfectly to Bieber related nick-naming. As if Belle Amie could have nick-names like that.
I'm not even going to discuss Wagner on principal. Tool.
Is that them all? I don't even care. There are still too many of them to fully process.
Also, why has Cheryl convinced her category to dye their hair the same hideous colour as her own? Is it some attempt at subliminal marketing? Because it's far from subliminal. More painfully obvious and random.
Two words... Michael Buble. I had been led to believe that Rihanna was performing alongside Cheryl tomorrow night and was hideously disappointed because I hate her with the most intense of passions. So when Dermot announced that it would be Buble, I literally screamed at the top of my voice, flapping my hands around my face as tears uncontrollably ran down my face. A slight over reaction perhaps, but nevertheless, as the proverb goes; Buble is Buble and Buble is God.
Slash, if Konnie Huq makes the same joke about the government taking away and the Xtra Factor giving back, I'm going to actually hunt her down and kill her violently in her sleep. I know it's probably not her fault, but still, she should shoot the writers for what they make her say.
Now, I'm not quite sure what 'it went wrong' means. I don't care how wrong it went, Pink is not an appropriate replacement for the hero that is J.D. Bieber. Not cool, Simon. But I don't believe a word of this. My theory goes henceforth: Simon has spoken to Bieber directly, as speculation is rife that J.B wants to be a judge on the American X Factor. In this conversation, Simon has mentioned The Boyband and arranged for Bieber to either be a mentor one week and go down in history as the most amazing X Factor mentor ever in the world, or join them on stage when they obviously make it to the final and nail it. Therefore, the song that 'went wrong' was actually so freakin' good, Simon wants to save it. God I hope I'm right... If not, I have one other plan that will be acceptable to me. If they make it through to the final, and by if I mean when, they should bring Usher back and get The Boyband to perform Somebody To Love. Now that would be brilliant.
Slash, Bieber, I know you read this, I know you're my biggest fan. Get them to support you on your next tour. I'm telling you, the girls would go wild and you might actually get people older than 5 to sit through your concerts.
Let's discuss the others. Cher Lloyd is such a hideous mess it makes me want to strangle her with her own matted extensions. She's just a filthy gypo with a face full of make-up that's asking for a slap. A very dear friend of mine put it so eloquently when she texted me the following: "If I pooed on stage, it'd be better than Cher." This statement rings the beans of truth more than anything else I have ever heard.
Dear Careworker, 29,
You can blame the 'distracting' dancers all you want, you are still shit,
Love Alice. x
What is with that hair? How did his hair grow so quickly since last week? If they gave him some sort of weave/hair piece I will actually vomit. It was like some sort of hair hat. It was reminiscent of some sort of 90s footballer. He is an idiot and he will never ever ever win this show. I'd never even heard his song either. Did any of the judges actually get the memo about this week's theme? They just sang random songs. Matt's was the only one that made sense, but we'll get to him later...
Paije was soooooooo dull, but it's nice to see he's already preparing for his future career at Butlins.
Big Fat Mary is even getting on my nerves now. Chicago is calling my love.
Aiden was better than last week, but was still pretty poor. I feel sorry for him, peaking so early and all, but I just want him to pull it back so much! Come on, Aiden! I never thought I'd ever say this, but I don't think he's feeling the music quite enough... I'm not sure I really mean that, so don't read too much into it.
Katie, Katie, Katie... No matter how much the judges praise her for her performances and declare how nice she is, she will always be hated because she says stupid things and is clearly just an attention whore. Slash, I take issue with The Jungle Book being a 'guilty pleasure'. There is no guilt involved in whole heartedly adoring a Disney classic. And I swear she's putting that whispy voice thing on. Go home, Katie.
Treyc is still having a hard time spelling her name but sang well. Slash, as if Whole Lotta Love is a 'guilty pleasure' either. It's going to be so much better when there's less people and the themes are set in iron-clad stone and then padlocked seven times and locked in a safe. No one can escape it then.
Erm... Rebecca was un-freakin'-believable. I loved everything about it. She's so good, so lovely and looks amazing. She could so totally win, if it wasn't for Matt...
He absolutely nailed it. In every way. Genius song, genius staging, genius guitar, nice arms... He was outstanding. It actually saddens me that he's so good because that ruins One Direction's chances.
I almost forgot about Belle Amie. As if they sang a song that Girls Aloud covered and tried to pass it off as a guilty pleasure in front of Cheryl. Slash, Louis Walsh: Simon is obviously giving One Direction all the attention because Belle Amie are shit and are never going to win. One Direction are freakin' awesome and so pretty and lend themselves perfectly to Bieber related nick-naming. As if Belle Amie could have nick-names like that.
I'm not even going to discuss Wagner on principal. Tool.
Is that them all? I don't even care. There are still too many of them to fully process.
Also, why has Cheryl convinced her category to dye their hair the same hideous colour as her own? Is it some attempt at subliminal marketing? Because it's far from subliminal. More painfully obvious and random.
Two words... Michael Buble. I had been led to believe that Rihanna was performing alongside Cheryl tomorrow night and was hideously disappointed because I hate her with the most intense of passions. So when Dermot announced that it would be Buble, I literally screamed at the top of my voice, flapping my hands around my face as tears uncontrollably ran down my face. A slight over reaction perhaps, but nevertheless, as the proverb goes; Buble is Buble and Buble is God.
Slash, if Konnie Huq makes the same joke about the government taking away and the Xtra Factor giving back, I'm going to actually hunt her down and kill her violently in her sleep. I know it's probably not her fault, but still, she should shoot the writers for what they make her say.
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Celebrity Juice
They just can't resist talking about Bieber...
Dear Rufus Hound/Fearne Cotton,
You clearly have Bieber Fever. Deal with it.
Love,
Alice.
x
For the 95th episode in a row, Bieber has been brought up. Now, I'm all for taking the piss, he is, after all, comedy gold, but when it starts to get personal, I take offence.
"No one here is going to think Bieber's the most attractive because they all have pubic hair." - Relatively amusing.
"He looks like a distressed baby." - Hilarious, because he does.
"Bieber's hair really pisses me off." - WOAH! Hold up. What?! Bieber's hair really pisses you off?! Erm... What?! Not cool, Fearne Cotton, not cool. Justin Bieber's hair is the foundation of the society in which we all live. Without that hair, where would we be headed politically? What would happen to the arts? To the healthcare system? To life as we know it? Maybe think it through before you speak next time, Fearne...
Slash, the best thing I have ever seen in my life is Dappy from N-Dubz being slapped in the face with a fish. That, right there, is TV gold.
Dear Rufus Hound/Fearne Cotton,
You clearly have Bieber Fever. Deal with it.
Love,
Alice.
x
For the 95th episode in a row, Bieber has been brought up. Now, I'm all for taking the piss, he is, after all, comedy gold, but when it starts to get personal, I take offence.
"No one here is going to think Bieber's the most attractive because they all have pubic hair." - Relatively amusing.
"He looks like a distressed baby." - Hilarious, because he does.
"Bieber's hair really pisses me off." - WOAH! Hold up. What?! Bieber's hair really pisses you off?! Erm... What?! Not cool, Fearne Cotton, not cool. Justin Bieber's hair is the foundation of the society in which we all live. Without that hair, where would we be headed politically? What would happen to the arts? To the healthcare system? To life as we know it? Maybe think it through before you speak next time, Fearne...
Slash, the best thing I have ever seen in my life is Dappy from N-Dubz being slapped in the face with a fish. That, right there, is TV gold.
Did I hear Justin Bieber Boyband...?
Too freakin' right I did!
At approximately 4.15pm, I received cryptic text from the very same strictly anonymous source who informed me of Festa, saying this: "Just a heads up, my mate who works in Topman said that Simon Cowell & a few contestants will be in Topshop around 5pm xx". Read into this what you will. I was sitting with a group of chums casually discussing the torture that lay before us in the form of a book launch of sorts when I received this textual message. Having been discussing the Justin Bieber Boyband with a blonde haired amigo all the long day, we decided that this was too good an opportunity to miss, and so off we ran into the cold night...
Given that we ultimately had 15 minutes to get there, in rush hour, after half an hour of debate as to whether my weakened heart would be able to cope, we managed to get there as the clock struck 5. We very casually strolled around Topman looking and acting very nonchalant so as not to arouse the suspicions of fellow shoppers. The Bieber Boyband was ours and we were not letting some sweaty geg-heads get their hands on them. "They're coming! They're coming!" shouted a not so subtle gay who was clearly meant to be keeping this information on the down-low. So after being followed by about 12 security guards who obviously mistook us for shoplifters, we decided that being outside would be best to get a glimpse of their genius. As we waited, rubbing shoulders with Sir Philip Green on his old-school Nokia and that stylist judge woman with the glasses from Britain's Next Top Model, we wondered if they would ever come. After approximately an hour and 45 minutes waiting, a ginormous crowd worthy of Sir Craig David himself suddenly emerged, forcing me and my blonde haired amigo and two other (late) companions out of the way. I would now suggest the use of a few choice words became more and more frequent as more and more people, who, by the way, had no idea what was going on, came and barged in front of us. Rude. But it was all worth it, as just as my hands were about to fall off my arms with cold, just as the battery on my camera died, just as I was about to stamp on a small child's head, lo and behold came The Biebers.
At approximately 4.15pm, I received cryptic text from the very same strictly anonymous source who informed me of Festa, saying this: "Just a heads up, my mate who works in Topman said that Simon Cowell & a few contestants will be in Topshop around 5pm xx". Read into this what you will. I was sitting with a group of chums casually discussing the torture that lay before us in the form of a book launch of sorts when I received this textual message. Having been discussing the Justin Bieber Boyband with a blonde haired amigo all the long day, we decided that this was too good an opportunity to miss, and so off we ran into the cold night...
Given that we ultimately had 15 minutes to get there, in rush hour, after half an hour of debate as to whether my weakened heart would be able to cope, we managed to get there as the clock struck 5. We very casually strolled around Topman looking and acting very nonchalant so as not to arouse the suspicions of fellow shoppers. The Bieber Boyband was ours and we were not letting some sweaty geg-heads get their hands on them. "They're coming! They're coming!" shouted a not so subtle gay who was clearly meant to be keeping this information on the down-low. So after being followed by about 12 security guards who obviously mistook us for shoplifters, we decided that being outside would be best to get a glimpse of their genius. As we waited, rubbing shoulders with Sir Philip Green on his old-school Nokia and that stylist judge woman with the glasses from Britain's Next Top Model, we wondered if they would ever come. After approximately an hour and 45 minutes waiting, a ginormous crowd worthy of Sir Craig David himself suddenly emerged, forcing me and my blonde haired amigo and two other (late) companions out of the way. I would now suggest the use of a few choice words became more and more frequent as more and more people, who, by the way, had no idea what was going on, came and barged in front of us. Rude. But it was all worth it, as just as my hands were about to fall off my arms with cold, just as the battery on my camera died, just as I was about to stamp on a small child's head, lo and behold came The Biebers.
Now, you may think I have just taken a random picture of some people walking into Topshop, but look closer, and you will realise that the blur in the centre of the image is actually none other than Zain Malik, Asian Bieber himself, and second most attractive member of Justin Bieber Boyband. Next to him, on the left would be Other Bieber. Then, second to Asian Bieber's right would be Harry 'from Cheshire' Styles, YES THAT'S RIGHT, Curly Bieber, my favourite of all the Biebers including Justin. (Slash, maybe not Justin).
I have photos of the other contestants, namely Matt in the Hat, who was coincidentally (or maybe not that coincidentally given his name) wearing the very hat that spawned his nickname, but they don't matter. Not when you have 3 of the 5 Biebers from the Boyband caught on camera.
I believe I screamed louder than the 12 year old girl next to me, and then proceeded to declare, "Oh my God, they're so fit!" Yeah... Not my finest hour, but I was caught up in the excitement of the whole event and, let's be honest, they're pretty fit...
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