This is why I'm a genius

You know when you're sat alone, casually watching B*Witched videos on YouTube, disguising your procrastination with reminiscence of days gone by, practicing your best Irish accent? It was from this humble beginning that I discovered myself to be the next Einstein.

Now, I love me a bit of 'C'est la Vie', but once you've watched it eight times, it can begin to get on your nerves. Naturally, I progressed onto the 5ive classic, 'When the Lights Go Out', a video so powerfully representative of our generation it's breathtaking.

Clearly, with 5ive being the international success that they were, and quite obviously still are, they were bound to have some of the world's biggest talent make guest appearances in their videos, particularly for a song that spoke to a generation. Therefore, I was in no way surprised to see, before my very own eyes, one Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott, bumping and grinding with one Richard 'Abs' Breen. The filthy whore.

Actually, I was very surprised to see Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott in the video, and my spotting of her in said video, due to the fact she is in it for 5 whole English seconds, is what makes me a genius worthy of international recognition and praise. I hope this is clear.

The Return of One Tree Hill

Oh. My. God.

Hello. I'm back, not that anyone cares. I felt that the return of the world's worst show warranted a return from me. The only issue is, that episode of One Tree Hill was so bad, I genuinely can't remember any of it. I think that as it was happening, my brain, in a valiant attempt to save me from the torture unfolding before my eyes, was blocking it out as it went along. Thank you brain! Oh no... it's come back to me. I think I'll be having nightmares about it for the rest of time...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, just when I was getting disturbingly excited by the advert, One Tree Hill has surpassed all my expectations. Every single one of them. Why am I even surprised?

So Quinn and Clay were not shot? It was all just a dream! Of course! Sorry, I did forget momentarily that One Tree Hill owned the 'it was all just a dream' franchise. Although, it was glaringly obvious from the start that it was not just a dream. WE'RE NOT STUPID! STOP WASTING OUR TIME WITH NONSENSE ABOUT DREAMS AND ALTERNATE REALITIES! They were shot. Shot as in, a bullet left a gun at speed and entered their bodies causing them to joyfully bleed everywhere and (fingers crossed) die as slowly and painfully as humanly possible. Alas, they will be saved somehow after 15 days of lying in that room because no one cares enough to wonder where they are and they'll both be absolutely fine. As if nothing ever happened.

I did thoroughly enjoy, "Oh Quinn, have you noticed that there's been no one else on the beach all day... Let's go skinny dipping." Oh, the tension! Slash, I hope they drown in their dream and enter into some sort of crazy Inception-esque scenario in which they can never ever escape. A bit OTT? Nah...

Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott needs a slap for two reasons: 1. What, in the name of all that is holy, sacred and Bieberfied, was that hat all about? 2. After the last season finale, the last thing anyone wants in the season premiere is to listen (YES! LISTEN!) to Hayley write the most appallingly homemade letter to Lucas about things that are completely irrelevant to life. No one writes letters on lined paper. Only the impoverished and those who deserve to be permanently excluded from society.

I know I said there were two reasons, but there are actually about five... Let me continue: 3. Her arse is gigantic and just because she's pregnant in the show, there is no excuse for wearing poor fitting clothing. 4. Her depression has just magically disappeared which suggests she will end up killing herself in about four episodes. 5. Is she a teacher? Is she an international superstar? Will I ever know the answer to that question? Will she ever make her mind up? Do I care?

Thankfully for One Tree Hill, they have Julian Baker. Oh, Julian... I love that they've taken to just having him half naked for the majority of the episode to ensure people watch. Which they will. Because he's fit. I also enjoyed the numerous Grease 2 references, resulting in Julian in a leather jacket... Nice. He did say some embarrassing things though... Some very embarrassing things. "I know you Brooke Davies." Thanks, Julian, we know. He also said something about 'romancing Brooke's ovaries'. I'm aware that this was intended as a joke, but it was not funny and it made me want to throw up. Thank God he was wearing that jacket... Also, all his 'Grease 2' references were actually from 'Grease'. I'm not sure if it was an issue for anyone else, but I just thought I would throw it out there; it bothered me.

Oh, I don't care that Brooke was arrested. I have no interest in this storyline. I also don't care about Stephen Colletti, Mia and Alex. It would be very convenient for me if there was some sort of violent explosion that resulted in their bodies being unidentifiable, just to make sure they couldn't be re-introduced at a later date. I wish Dan Scott was still around...

What else happened? Anything. There were so many embarrassing things that I wish I had made a note of. I mean, the scripting was truly abysmal.

"KEEP HIS DINGO OUT OF YOUR WALLABE!"

Well done, One Tree Hill. Bravo. You have managed to make innuendo completely unfunny. The other quotes are going to be coming back to me in my sleep... I'll be haunted by the ghosts of scriptwriting present. I'm actually scared to go to bed now... Really scared...

Until next week.

Eurovision

I am fully aware that my blogging is almost non-existant and that therefore, no one will read this, but it's Eurovision; if I didn't talk about it, it would be a sin. Well... I'm not quite sure it's in the bible, but I'm sure in God's most recent list, it's in the top 10.

I would go through all the countries one by one, but that would be so freakin' tedious and to be perfectly honest, I have very little to say about most of them. My favourite part of Eurovision is always, without fail, the backing dancers/singers/performers. Could they big up their roles any more? I mean, I have never in my life seen smiles that forced, such painful enthusiasm and such a severe desperation for fame and success. Tragic. So, so tragic.

But hear is my main question: If Duncan James is in Dusseldorf "performing" at Eurovision, which other fame-hungry legend/icon/nobody will read out our results?

Let us begin...

Finland. Now, who THE FUCK was Peter? Who is he? What does he have to do with 'saving the planet'? Why should I care about him sitting in a yard full of apple trees waiting for an apple to fall?! I'm trying to determine whether it was some sort of reference to Issac Newton and the theory of gravity, or if the songwriter (who I believe to be the performer, who I thought was Peter but is apparently not) is just abysmal at the English language and thought it was some sort of well used analogy. I'm thinking Peter is just an idiot.

Dear Bosnia,
Crazy old men are not going to win you Eurovision.
Love Alice. x

Bless. It actually made me quite sad. He wrote their first ever national anthem... It must have been fucking terrible. He couldn't sing... I mean, the man couldn't sing! Or do math. "One hundred plus two equals something that isn't one-hundred and two..." In his jacket that was 15 years old... I'm genuinely fighting back the sobs.

The woman from Lithuania was most definitely signing 'Fuck you all, we're going to win because I heart the deaf!' whilst singing whatever terrible love song she was singing. I'd love it if she'd just learnt it for the performance and her teacher had actually taught her 'I like shaving the skin off dogs and suffocating cats for fun' or something. That would have been brilliant. If only I was deaf...

Oh, Jedward. They weren't even bad. By their standards... I guess Europe don't know them well enough for the novelty to have worn so thin it makes you wish you were dead. Something about lipstick and kick starting something, blah, blah, blah... If only they could have performed Ghostbusters or Oops I Did It Again - something where they can stop half way through the song and have a conversation that involves a lot of "Oh my God, Edward!" "Oh my God, John!" The more I heard it the more it grew on me. But let's be honest, Jedward are terrible. One of them looked like he was having a fit, the other looked like he'd forgotten where he was, they were both jumping around like they'd eaten too many blue Smarties. But they weren't bad. By their standards...

Oh my God, Greece were my fave. It was almost Daz Sampson-esq. Do we remember Daz Sampson? What am I saying, of course we do. It was some sort of Daz Sampson-Vanilla Ice-Marky Mark crossover but without any of the attraction Marky Mark would bring to that hybrid. Mix all that talent with a big fat dose of classical pop and you, my friend, have got one hit record. Did I say hit? Sorry, I meant shit...

AS IF RED ONE PRODUCED RUSSIA'S SONG! He needs to be forbidden from making music ever, ever again. I hope Lady Gaga eats him in one of her hideous publicity stunts.

Oh, Blue! Oh, Duncan, Lee, Antony and Simon! Oh, Blue! In the old days you were so good! HAS EVERYONE FORGOTTEN THEY COLLABORATED WITH STEVIE WONDER AND ELTON JOHN!? HELLO! THERE'S TALENT THERE! Here's what should have happened - they should have gotten rid of Antony. Let's be realistic, he never did anything. They should have made Simon wear less clothes (the man's an idiot but his torso was a point scorer). Lee should have done more singing. Duncan should have played it gay. But here's the winner: they should have performed a medley of hits. Start it with a bit of All Rise, glide into a bit of Too Close, kill it with a bit of U Make Me Wanna and end it with a euro-tastic rendition of One Love. I'm telling you, they would have NAILED it. Oh, and those Blue suits were doing no one any favours...

Azerbaijan is a country I only learned today is European. I'm still not convinced it is. But I enjoyed their duet. At least I would have done if I was deaf. It was like Christina and Ricky Martin all over again, but with matching ill fitting outfits and song that wasn't nearly as iconic. Hmmm...

Slovenia decided to rock the Bieber fingerless gloves. She was alright. She was no Anzej Dezan...

I'm actually shocked that Serbia didn't do as well. I thought they'd win. It was well catchy. Not that I remember it now... Ah, I've found the flaw in my argument. Never mind.

I have a feeling that I have shifted tense during this post. If I have, this is because I'm writing this as the results are announced. Azerbaijan have just won and I'm still trying to think of a better likeness than Christina and Ricky Martin... I'm actually starting to like this song... Kill me. Despite the fact that it is being sung completely out of tune. Terrible. I'm running I'm scared tonight... KILL ME.

And Alex Jones? She was who we got to read out the results? Not even Konnie Huq or someone else equally as tragic and unemployed? OK. I hope Duncan's back next year.

Poor Blue. It really is tragic. But they did well! To say they were royally shit. We got actual points! I think that's the first time in about a gazillion years we actually got points. Not as many as Jedward... That must be a blow. Freakin' Jedward got more points... Oh, Blue. I'm going to sing 'If You Come Back' repeatedly in their honour. I might wear Blue for a week. Or I might just forget the whole thing ever happened and go back to my normal life.

Yeah, I'll go back to my normal life thanks... THANK YOU EUROPE! YOU WERE WONDERFUL! GOODNIGHT!

I need mental help. Seriously...

I don't quite know how to say this without being severely judged for the rest of eternity. I don't know whether it's because I'm tired, whether it's because One Tree Hill is now a distant memory of crappy TV past, or whether I have ODed on leftover Easter chocolate, but I'm actually enjoying 90210...

Now, here's why I'm worried. After catching up on the last 2 episodes which saw Dixon become bezzies with Snoop Dogg, the guys take Teddy to a gay bar to cheer him up, Adrianna send a naked photo of Silver to everyone at school, Naomi dress up as an Avatar and Annie get the better of someone, I should have slit my wrists over my computer screen and written a farewell message to my mother in my own blood. Instead, I'm actually excited about the next episode. What, in the name of Justin Drew Bieber, is wrong with me? I'm being serious. There must be some medical condition behind this bout of insanity. Christ, I hope it's temporary. I mean, Liam hasn't taken his shirt off for weeks.

So, even though Annie makes me want to scratch my skin off with blunt scissors, I actually prefer her to Emily. This is what first aroused suspicion in my mind. I mean, anyone wanting to destroy the life of the most irritating character would surely be celebrated. False. Unfortunately, I think the only reason I hated her more was because of her hair and her voice. So if they'd just cast someone else, I wouldn't be in the mess I currently find myself in. Or if the actress they chose (if you could really call her an actress - she was abysmal) had just spoken a tiny bit lower and worn a wig, all my problems would have been solved. Alas! But I'm glad she's gone, even if they did catch her out in the most pathetic of ways. A bit of drama wouldn't have gone amiss. I do enjoy that all Annie's friends believed Emily and thought she was being a bitch though. That's loyalty for you. It was pretty obvious that Emily was a Liam Payne in the arse. And I'm still not quite sure why she was so intent upon ruining Annie's life. Did we ever get a reason? No...? Just another pointless storyline then. Should have guessed.

Naomi has clearly never watched Desperate Housewives, because if she had, she'd realise that the dwarf of a 'nerd' she's going after is actually a psychotic killer with greasy hair. And also, he's not attractive in anyway. And if dressing up like an Avatar shows that a person is really selfless and caring, then I'm not the only person in the world to have completely lost my mind.

Dear Snoop Dogg,
I expected this nonsense from Nelly, but you!? I hope you are deeply ashamed of yourself.
Alice. x

Why are they trying to make out like Dixon is some sort of social whizz? He's an idiot and he gets on people's nerves. He couldn't pay me to do something for him, let alone convince me with his 'quick wit'. Just terrible. And as if Snoop Dogg just invites strangers into his car and drives them around! Let alone strangers that insist upon rapping his songs in thee most socially awkward and embarrassing attempt to impress. Come on, Snoop! Don't let this show dent your rep. You've got your own show to do that! God, I miss Snoop Dogg's Fatherhood...

Silver is an idiot. Adrianna needs to be kicked repeatedly in the face until her eye sockets swell causing her eye balls explode inside her head. Let's be realistic. Why does she still have friends? How could any one of those idiotic people still be her friend? They all hate her. What's even more tragic is that she thinks she's going to have a genuine music career in real life. Oh, bless her. It actually makes me quite sad. And sending a naked photo of Silver around? Good one...

So now Ivy's well into weed, her boyfriend of about 3 seconds is dying of cancer. Tragic. I actually like him. Raj? Raj. His name is Raj. Or it will be from henceforth. I enjoy that he has literally been in 2 episodes and he's already got a terminal disease. Well, I don't enjoy it because it would be tragic if it were real, but I enjoy the 90210ness of the whole situation. I bet Ivy becomes a model student now. Or, he'll die unexpectedly in 2 episodes time and she'll go schiz! Or he'll just leave in a really underwhelming fashion. He'll leave in a really underwhelming fashion, won't he? Bastard 90210.

Maybe I'm not enjoying it as much as I thought... And why does Mr Matthews only show up in every 4th episode with no purpose or reason to exist? Yeah, maybe hold off on the loony bin, I'm beginning to see the light.

The Return of the Jedi

Hello there. How are you?

I understand that the title of this post may be most misleading. No, I shall not be ripping into Return of the Jedi, I was referring to my return to the world of 'blogging' - not that you could really call what I do 'blogging'; it's more ranting about unimportant things to no one in a public and highly embarrassing forum.

But alas. My absence stemmed from seeing Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 3D and being physically unable to write something that wasn't 'OMG! It waz amazin! I luv JB!' or something equally as chavvy and grammatically incorrect. Therefore I decided not to comment, although, I feel enough time has passed to say in all seriousness that it was amazing, surprisingly emotional and actually very inspiring. But that is it. The moment I start thinking about his grandad, this post goes to pot. Let's move on, quickly...

My absence was then extended by the realisation that no one actually cares what I have to say, and the fact that television has been so tediously dull, I couldn't actually find anything to say, even if people did care. I mean, Gossip Girl has been the same every episode. So has 90210. The Only Way Is Essex is even worse than last series, but again, there is nothing new to say. Don't even mention Glee. I'm going to start a petition to get E4 to show One Tree Hill as soon as it's shown in America. As torturous as watching it is, its genius provides many a topic for discussion. But I refuse to watch it online - it's not worth going that far.

However, 'William & Kate: The Movie' has given me inspiration worthy of One Tree Hill. In fact, I'm almost certain it was probably written by the same people. After briefly working on the DVD release as part of a spell of work experience, I felt as though I knew the film before I'd even seen it. Which, I suppose technically I did - I had read the script. Which took about 5 minutes despite it's length. That's how terrible it was. They should have gotten Sorkin on it. What's tragic is that they probably did try to get him. They were obviously deluded enough to think making it would be a good idea, I think they were probably in a mind space that suggested to them that Aaron Sorkin would love to be a part of such televisual history.

In fact, it has made history. As the most repellent piece of audiovisual material in the world. Don't get me wrong, it was freakin brilliant, but brilliant in the way that Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott can go from touring the world to organising the local school dance in the same day.

I enjoy that Kate has a slight American accent despite being played by an English actress who has lived in LA for about 3 days. I enjoy that Prince Charles has been made into a comedy character who is quite willing to admit never loving Diana to his own son. I enjoy the use of green screen to give the illusion of far off lands (particularly Africa). I enjoy the terrible use of photoshop. But most of all, I enjoy that Angus from Neighbours plays William's 'best friend'.

Angus from Neighbours. Do we all remember him? No? Let me refresh your memory. Angus met a girl called Rachel in a club. They got together. They 'fell in love'. About three days later, Rachel goes to school (she is a student after all) only to run into Angus. HE THE NEW TEACHER! So they dated secretly for a while, he went to jail, she kept going to visit him, Susan Kennedy begged him to stay away from her step daughter, he couldn't, he left, he came back, they got together again, they decided to run away. Rachel then decided that she didn't want to, so he let her out the car and drove away into the distance. Turns out he drove all the way to LA to land the role of Ian Musgrave. Wow. The only way really is up.

Luckily for Channel 5, I had Sky+ed this nonsense, meaning that I could fast forward the adverts. Had this not been the case, I would have switched over in the first break. I wonder how many people did that? Lots I'm guessing. It was just so grossly inaccurate. Not that I would be able to give you an accurate account of their relationship, but I am certain that almost none of what was portrayed in the 'movie' is true. God, I hope none of it is true. Otherwise I've just lost any respect I had for Prince William. Oh God, poor Harry. I hope the palace sues the production company. Jesus - why was Harry so disgustingly hideous and why was he so Northern? I get that he had 2 lines, but Christ - so ugly, so Northern. Apologies for all the Jesus references - Easter has clearly gotten to me.

OH MY GOD! KATE'S DAD WAS IN THE OC! The man who played Kate's dad played Holly's dad in The OC. He was the one who punched Jimmy Cooper at Cotillion. That's it. What else is there left to say? Nothing. There is nothing left to say.

BRILLIANT.
It's good to be back.

Thou must brusheth thy hair.

Dear Serena Van Der Woodsen,
Please invest your millions and millions of dollars into a hair brush. I do not believe them to be that expensive and the cost is worth it to avoid looking like you have road kill on your head as you currently do.
Thanks,
Alice.

I hate her. I actually hate her. How old is she meant to be? Isn't she meant to be in college? Isn't she meant to be actually doing something other than lunching with possible psychopaths and irritating the shit out of everyone?!

I'm so confused as to the point of the show anymore. It's beyond ludicrous. I can't even be bothered to slag it off. Other than the excellent plot line of Damien convincing Eric to punch him in the face to frame Ben, get him put back in jail and avoid him telling his dad he's a drug dealer. Worst plan ever. Most pointless plan ever. I thought that maybe Damien had something to go on. Maybe he knew a secret side to Ben, which there obviously will be because he's so freakin' dull right now. But alas, he was just trying to avoid being cut off by his father. And for some reason, Dan got roped in because he is the world's biggest loser, a clear idiot and the most gullible, moronic twat ever to step foot on this earth. And then Ben didn't feel the need to defend himself. No, off he goes back to prison with his parole officer. Hang on, let's go back a bit. I thought Dan was in on the whole plan, but no, he's stupid enough not even to go along with framing him, but to believe something told to him by a known drug dealer who he knows he cannot trust without any evidence at all. DICK! But yes, off Ben goes.

Oh wait... Because Dan's got so much pull with the police, he was able to explain and get Ben back and bring him and Serena together. Fantastic. Slash... No one cares. All I can say is that Blair and Chuck better get back together soon or else there is literally nothing worth watching the show for anymore.

Come on, Josh Schwartz! We love you! Don't let us down... Or else...

Come on, you're clearly from Dagenham...

Erm... Sorry, what? How, would you, Oscar, who clearly studied at the Dick Van Syke school of Acting British, ever be able to identify exactly where someone was from. No one can do that! No one! Yes, OK. Maybe you could tell that he was from the London area. Hell, maybe even East London, but Dagenham? Specifically? No. That's like me going to someone with a French accent, "Oh, you're from Beauregard, aren't you?" NO! No one has even heard of Beauregard! I couldn't guess the exact place any one was from! Two words: knob head. I hate him. Physically hate him with the most intense of passions.

I also love that Mr Matthews genuinely thought he could help put Mr Cannon away by coming forward with his story. Erm, you were wasted, and weren't sure what you saw. Dick. I also love that when he disappeared into the wilderness, Annie and Silver were all like, "Yay! This is so good! I'm so glad he fled! Wooooo!" No! Surely that is bad. A casual serial rapist on the loose is not good for anyone, and now the police have a bitch of a job to try and find him. Lunacy.

Of course there had to be a casual drug dealer! And of course, she had to rope Liam into it. Poor old, beautiful Liam. Tragic. Slash, those hand bags were fucking gross. I knew there had to be some other explanation for the whole dealio. No one in their right mind would buy them. Filled with drugs however, I think they would probably be easier to shift. But poor Liam. Slash, what happened to his brother? He broke up with Annie and just left? Or did they decide not to break up in the end? Does anyone care? Most probably not. But either way, what happened to him? And if he has just left the face of the earth, what was his point? He did nothing. Therefore, he must not have left. He shall return with some deep dark secret to spill. Or not.

And poor Naveed. His girlfriend, who may as well not even be in the show anymore, is practically ignoring him, his dad is hiring underage girls to star in his porn films, he didn't win the Leadership award, whatever a Leadership award might be. How irritating is that girl's voice?! Harper, is it? I actually want to smash her head through something made of glass. What a hideous bitch. But, of course, there behind the bitchiness lies a girl tormented with the pressure of her highly successful siblings. An excellent sob story if I ever saw one. Oh, Naveed, pulling yourself out of the competition! Such a gentleman. Slash, idiot. She totally needs to be taken down a peg or five; she deserves no niceness.

Anything else happen? Probably not. It's such a terrible terrible show. I'm actually desperately missing One Tree Hill. With all their fame and fortune and murdering and backstabbing and casual nudity. Now that's a great show.