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Worst show ever. Within the first 3 episodes, we've had an earthquake, a death, a rape, an overdose, intellectual property theft, casual homosexuality, the most offensive English accent ever, the possibility of swingers and the reality of egg donation. Have I missed anything? Probably. It's just awful.

Slash, it started with a time capsule. Something I'm pretty sure happened on One Tree Hill about 25 years ago, and their time capsule episode was so much better. At least it was actually relevant, unlike in tonight's shambolic attempt at television in which Teddy, the 33 year old homosexual, very cleverly used his time to record a message to Silver declaring his love for her and apologising for being an arse. He is after all struggling to come to terms with the fact that he'll never be a professional tennis player. Tragic. I think he might have forgotten he's about 600 years old, but never mind. It was painful.

I also enjoyed Annie's assumption that the woman at the theatre must be a lesbian. Could she love herself any more? She has no reason too either, she's an annoyance to the entire human race. A pest to society if you will. I love that her next rational explanation was that they were swingers. Excellent. Although, in all fairness to her, if I hadn't been told what was going to happen with the whole 'I've hired you so I can buy your eggs' story line, I never would have guessed. Who comes up with these ideas?! They must have had a bug list of possibilities, yet the buying of a teenage girl's eggs was the best. I find that almost impossible to believe. Having said that, they allowed the use of the line "Earthquake is a euphemism for orgasm". They all should have been arrested for complying with it. It's worse than the whole EastEnders scandal if you ask me.

Slash, where is Naveed? I actually like Naveed. He needs to return to control that crazy girlfriend of his. Thieving bitch. I love that it's been found out already. Could she have been any more ingenuous during her interview with Entertainment Tonight? I don't think so. "I really miss Javier," she says, beaming from ear to ear. Of course you don't miss him! His death allowed you to forge a terrible music career and be a YouTube sensation! Who do you think you are, Justin Drew Bieber?! Never.

If one of my teachers invited me round to their house to watch a film they had made, I don't think you could ever have paid me enough to even contemplate it. Silver deserves all the bad things that happen to her because she brings them all on herself with those stupid clothes and even worse decisions. Idiot. Never will I forget the time she filmed her and Dixon having sex in a cupboard and screening it to the world. I'm sorry, I shouldn't insult the mentally ill, she is bipolar remember, although come to think of it, she might have been magically cured by the doctors that work with the magic police that let Annie off with murder. I also love that she decided Naomi was telling the truth just because. "Naomi, I believe you! I know you are telling the truth! Naomi?! Wake up!" Oh wait, she's overdosed on sleeping pills she got given by a girl with a recent nose job in the school bathrooms. I feel like the people who make 90210 have been secretly filming my life and are now just recreating my past events. I've never related to anything more. So realistic. Surely I'm due some sort of credit as the inspiration/muse. I'm going with muse, sounds more artistic.

Anyhow, I'm still intrigued by Liam's brother, if we ever find out what's going on there. I'd also be interested to find out what Naveed appears to find more interesting than turning up to film as he's been in about 3 scenes since the series began. Having said that, I really don't care.

Oh, Ivy wore genuine dungarees. I think that says it all.