After numerous occasions on which I have sat myself down, filled with rage, to write a vicious letter of complaint to the Academy in regards to the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio is the greatest living actor of our generation and they need to wake up and recognise it before I fly first class to Los Angeles, smash the place up, and then make them pay my travel expenses, I have never been so close to actually completing one as I was last night.
Here is my issue: The Social Network. I was perfectly OK with the other winners. I guessed Christian Bale would win Best Supporting Actor, I was delighted for Colin Firth, who I adore, even though he's older than my dad and despite the fact that I would have loved Mark Wahlberg to win purely based on his sheer gorgeousness and a long lasting loyalty to my childhood obsession that involved a rather inappropriate Marky Mark lunchbox, because he deserved it! Colin deserved that award. The Social Network was not deserving.
I take that back. The only award they should have won was Best Screenplay, which Aaron Sorkin, hero that he is, did win. Great. I'm so pleased. He nailed his speech and everything. But let's be realistic. Best Director? Best Picture? Are they being serious? Or are they doing it specifically to piss me off? Because it's worked...
Best Director. Erm... I don't know. I've not seen Black Swan yet, but I can tell, even just from the trailer, that it is shot better, that the artistic direction is better. The Fighter, again, not seen it, but it looks edgy and rough and made in a way that supports the film's narrative. The King's Speech! It was an easy option! You could have just handed them the award at the beginning and people would have been pleased. INCEPTION!? HAVE YOU LOST ALL REASONING HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION?! I THINK YOU MUST HAVE! Dear God! Christopher Nolan is a genius anyway, but Inception!? It's lunacy. How anyone could say that the direction of The Social Network is even comparable to that of Inception makes me physically angry. I'm genuinely shaking with rage as I type ferociously. You owe me a new computer, idiots. Realistically, I could have directed that film. Shot of Jesse Eisenberg. Shot of Andrew Garfield. More shots of Andrew Garfield because he is adorable. Another shot of Jesse Eisenberg. Shot of Justin, lead singer of popular boyband 'N Sync. It's not rocket science. It's not like it was a visual masterpiece, or even innovative in any way. 'Oh, Justin. Justin stand here, Jesse, you stand opposite and we'll get a shot of you two talking. Just act natural. Crew, make sure the cameras are on. Aaaaannnnd... ACTION!' Nonsense.
AND BEST PICTURE?! Oh my God, I've never been so close to suicide. How, how, how and why? Honestly. They may as well have given the award to me for all it's worth. I seem to recall loving it, but specifically noting that it was not Oscar worthy/ award worthy and the majority of what I remember appears to either be about how attractive Andrew Garfield is or Justin Timberlake's hair. In fact, in a piece entitled, 'I Didn't Realise Justin Timberlake Had Rejoined 'N Sync' this is what I said:
'Slash, I'm not having all this 'Oscar buzz'. The performances were great, Eisenberg and Garfield were fantastic and played the emotion, or lack there of, involved brilliantly. But truthfully, the only Oscar deserved would be for Aaron Sorkin, who made something with little to no plot so cleverly and subtly hilarious.'
Case closed. I also happened to say:
'I'm sure Sean Parker was that much of a dick, but I'm also pretty sure that Justin actually based his performance on his 15year-old self. Or at least his hair. I didn't know frosted tips were back! And the amount of make-up they put on his face, arghhh! Not cute. He was, unfortunately, the worst thing about the movie. You know what, maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his performance was just so accurate, I'm assuming he himself... No. I can't even finish that sentence. Listen, JT. FutureSex/LoveSounds came out about 12 years ago and I'm still waiting for the next album. Why don't you 'take a break' from 'acting' and lay down some beats?!'
Must I go on? I think not. I'm mainly enraged because Awards Season is my favourite time of year, and people are insistent upon ruining that. I stayed up until 4am watching it, knowing that I had to be up at 8am to see the worst film nominated in the category to win. The Fighter? The King's Speech? Black Swan? INCEPTION?! I can't even go on talking about it, it's far too distressing. I'm starting to think this is some sort of conspiracy against Leonardo DiCaprio and everything he's in. Bastards. Just, watch out Hollywood Foreign Press Association, you better believe I'm watching you...
If you would like to read what else I said about The Social Network, follow this link:
http://imissbrookside.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-didnt-realise-justin-timberlake-had.html
I would also, before I depart and try to calm myself down, like to take the time to acknowledge a few others that may have been forgotten:
- Christian Bale for being a genuine psycho, which I thoroughly enjoy. I so much admire his determination to finish that poor and boring speech even when they started the music and introduced the next presenters.
- Andrew Garfield tripping over his words when reading the autocue made me want to cry, it was so adorable. I felt so sorry for him. Bless...
- However, when Justin Drew Bieber messed up his lines, I sat there thinking, 'God, that poor boy needs a better teacher.' Probably true. But he was fabulous of course, as Bieber always is, in his little (literally) three piece suit and messy hair.
- Matt Damon for looking divine constantly, sat at the front table next to De Niro, hanging out, casually.
- Robert De Niro, for being slightly racist and not as funny as he thought he was but still excellent. I most enjoyed the fact that everyone felt obliged to laugh, as though he was going to set his mob on them.
- Last but not least, Robert Downey Jr, my hero, my icon, Iron Man. So fantastically inappropriate, yet still painfully attractive and hilarious. No other man on earth could get away with saying what he says and maintain his cool. Genius.
I've just remembered that Glee is tonight. Which reminds me that Lea Michele is an idiot, and her fake tears when Chris Colfer won Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series were noted and will be used against her at numerous points throughout her life and also mine.
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