Black Swan

Well I'm more mentally disturbed than I ever hoped to be.

Wow.

The hype around this film worked me into an unhealthy frenzy. It's been advertised for so long now that I actually didn't think they were ever going to release it in the UK, just keep teasing us with all the award nominations and rubbish trailers. I got to the point where I had convinced myself it was going to be the best film I'd ever seen in my life. I then got to the point where I had convinced myself it was going to be the most disappointing film I'd ever seen. I was disappointed, but I can't quite put my finger on why. All I know is that I'm scared of turning my light off to go to sleep...

The beginning was slow, and I feel like the audience was expected to understand all the context surrounding Natalie Portman's character, Nina, without explaining anything. I saw The Nutcracker at the Liverpool Empire when I was about 6 and all I remember is being bored because there were no songs. That is the extent of my ballet knowledge. Oh, and Swan Princess is an excellent film and was based on Swan Lake. You get my point. So it would have been nice to have had a bit of her and her ballet before all the mind scrambling began. It was very boring to start with. Although you always had a sense that something was building, or that something was about to happen at any second, even though it didn't. I think going in expecting that level of tension put me more on edge than if I had gone in knowing nothing about it. But I was far from prepared.

Do you know what? I think it could have been done better. I think that the story itself needed longer to be fully explained, it was all quite squashed into the time, and there were bits I found irrelevant and bits that I wished had been taking into more detail, but realistically, it made the point. And it was great. The constant sense of paranoia; terrifying and claustrophobic and I put most of that down to Natalie Portman's performance, which definitely deserved the Golden Globe, and if it doesn't earn her an Oscar, I will actually eat my hand. She was un-freakin-believable. Her dancing was unreal. Unbelievable. I'm sure if you're a professional dancer, it's probably laughable, but she total dedicated herself to the role. I actually want to be a ballerina, even though I'm pretty sure that's not what the film was going for. And I hate Natalie Portman! She's irritated me in every single thing I've ever seen her in. She will always be Queen Amidala from Star Wars to me. And she deserves to not win the Oscar for making that dreadful film with Ashton Kutcher... But, wow.

The ending was where it was all at for me. When she kept seeing herself in other people throughout the film, I thought it was a bit too melodramatic, but the end, where all she saw was Mila Kunis, and she thought she had killed her. UNFREAKINBELIEVABLE! I loved it. That was the best bit of the film. I wanted the whole thing to be like that. I felt like they were trying to make all the metaphors too obvious at the beginning. Her transferring her frustrations and hatred of herself onto other people, therefore she would she 'herself' everywhere. Naaaaahhhh, twas better the other way, where you actually thought Mila was dead! So much more dramatic, and much more powerful. The only other bit that messed me up like that did was the bit... I'm sorry, I'm scaring myself thinking about it, it's a good job RuPaul's Drag Race is on to bring me back to reality... the bit when she got home and went into the kitchen, washed her hands, left and turned out the light and then heard a voice... Turning the light back on she finds herself drenched in blood standing in a corner... TOO MUCH! NO! MAKE IT STOP! Fuck, there is no way I'm sleeping tonight. I'm way too on edge. I only wish the people upstairs would insist on playing Vietnamese cover versions of Joy Division all night like they did last night... That would relax me slightly...

There were aspects I found comical that definitely weren't meant to be comical. Winona Ryder in general, but particularly the bit where she started stabbing herself in the face with a nail file. It was reminiscent of the cinematic classic, Frankenstein, directed, AND starring Kenneth Branagh, where he creates a mate for the monster, and she ends up setting herself on fire and throwing herself down the stairs. Shouldn't be funny, but it is. It most definitely is.

Darren Aronofsky is clearly a genius. I love that the majority of it was hand held, it was grainy and dull. It made the paranoia, the anxiety all the more real. Which, in hindsight, I don't really appreciate. Thanks, Darren... I'll send you the bill for the sleeping pills. But it makes me all the more angry that he didn't win Best Director at the Globes, and that the film didn't win Best Picture. Having said that, The Social Network did not fill me with a terror so deep I may never be able to turn off the lights or look in mirrors ever again.

I love Vincet Cassel. He was great. That is all I have to say about him. Mila Kunis was also great, but not that great. The mum was amazing. I'm genuinely filled with terror every time I think about her face. God, she was so creepy. AND THE NAIL SCISSORS! Oh, Christ. I've not let my mum cut my nails since I was about 5. It's all about the emery board. On the rare occasions I've had manicures/pedicures, I have point blanc refused to have them actually cut my nails... Poor Natalie Portman. Tragic. AND THE RASH! When the rash rippled through her skin, I thought it was quite poor visually, but I like the idea behind it. The swan taking over her. Nice. And when she finally 'grew' the feathers on stage, that was amazing. I feel like even though some things were physically portrayed too obviously, they made her fall into madness easy to follow. Although it was confusing, I never felt lost. I liked that. I feel cultured rather than stupid.

I don't really know what else to say. The ending made all the bits that annoyed me about it, or bits that I thought could have been better obsolete. It was the most phenomenal ending to the film. It was perfect. The more I think about it, the more breathtaking it actually was... So good! It's worth watching just for the end. Honestly. All I can add is this: Fuck you Golden Globes! The Academy know where it's at. Darren Aronofsky is going to physically destroy David Fincher and his average attempt at film making. However, I have yet to see The Fighter, so I'll let you know who's going to win best film...

Golden Globes 2011

If the Academy thought they had it coming, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association have no idea what's about the hit them...


After numerous occasions on which I have sat myself down, filled with rage, to write a vicious letter of complaint to the Academy in regards to the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio is the greatest living actor of our generation and they need to wake up and recognise it before I fly first class to Los Angeles, smash the place up, and then make them pay my travel expenses, I have never been so close to actually completing one as I was last night.


Here is my issue: The Social Network. I was perfectly OK with the other winners. I guessed Christian Bale would win Best Supporting Actor, I was delighted for Colin Firth, who I adore, even though he's older than my dad and despite the fact that I would have loved Mark Wahlberg to win purely based on his sheer gorgeousness and a long lasting loyalty to my childhood obsession that involved a rather inappropriate Marky Mark lunchbox, because he deserved it! Colin deserved that award. The Social Network was not deserving.


I take that back. The only award they should have won was Best Screenplay, which Aaron Sorkin, hero that he is, did win. Great. I'm so pleased. He nailed his speech and everything. But let's be realistic. Best Director? Best Picture? Are they being serious? Or are they doing it specifically to piss me off? Because it's worked...


Best Director. Erm... I don't know. I've not seen Black Swan yet, but I can tell, even just from the trailer, that it is shot better, that the artistic direction is better. The Fighter, again, not seen it, but it looks edgy and rough and made in a way that supports the film's narrative. The King's Speech! It was an easy option! You could have just handed them the award at the beginning and people would have been pleased. INCEPTION!? HAVE YOU LOST ALL REASONING HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION?! I THINK YOU MUST HAVE! Dear God! Christopher Nolan is a genius anyway, but Inception!? It's lunacy. How anyone could say that the direction of The Social Network is even comparable to that of Inception makes me physically angry. I'm genuinely shaking with rage as I type ferociously. You owe me a new computer, idiots. Realistically, I could have directed that film. Shot of Jesse Eisenberg. Shot of Andrew Garfield. More shots of Andrew Garfield because he is adorable. Another shot of Jesse Eisenberg. Shot of Justin, lead singer of popular boyband 'N Sync. It's not rocket science. It's not like it was a visual masterpiece, or even innovative in any way. 'Oh, Justin. Justin stand here, Jesse, you stand opposite and we'll get a shot of you two talking. Just act natural. Crew, make sure the cameras are on. Aaaaannnnd... ACTION!' Nonsense.


AND BEST PICTURE?! Oh my God, I've never been so close to suicide. How, how, how and why? Honestly. They may as well have given the award to me for all it's worth. I seem to recall loving it, but specifically noting that it was not Oscar worthy/ award worthy and the majority of what I remember appears to either be about how attractive Andrew Garfield is or Justin Timberlake's hair. In fact, in a piece entitled, 'I Didn't Realise Justin Timberlake Had Rejoined 'N Sync' this is what I said:


'Slash, I'm not having all this 'Oscar buzz'. The performances were great, Eisenberg and Garfield were fantastic and played the emotion, or lack there of, involved brilliantly. But truthfully, the only Oscar deserved would be for Aaron Sorkin, who made something with little to no plot so cleverly and subtly hilarious.'


Case closed. I also happened to say: 


'I'm sure Sean Parker was that much of a dick, but I'm also pretty sure that Justin actually based his performance on his 15year-old self. Or at least his hair. I didn't know frosted tips were back! And the amount of make-up they put on his face, arghhh! Not cute. He was, unfortunately, the worst thing about the movie. You know what, maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his performance was just so accurate, I'm assuming he himself... No. I can't even finish that sentence. Listen, JT. FutureSex/LoveSounds came out about 12 years ago and I'm still waiting for the next album. Why don't you 'take a break' from 'acting' and lay down some beats?!'


Must I go on? I think not. I'm mainly enraged because Awards Season is my favourite time of year, and people are insistent upon ruining that. I stayed up until 4am watching it, knowing that I had to be up at 8am to see the worst film nominated in the category to win. The Fighter? The King's Speech? Black Swan? INCEPTION?! I can't even go on talking about it, it's far too distressing. I'm starting to think this is some sort of conspiracy against Leonardo DiCaprio and everything he's in. Bastards. Just, watch out Hollywood Foreign Press Association, you better believe I'm watching you...


If you would like to read what else I said about The Social Network, follow this link:
http://imissbrookside.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-didnt-realise-justin-timberlake-had.html


I would also, before I depart and try to calm myself down, like to take the time to acknowledge a few others that may have been forgotten:

• Christian Bale for being a genuine psycho, which I thoroughly enjoy. I so much admire his determination to finish that poor and boring speech even when they started the music and introduced the next presenters.
• Andrew Garfield tripping over his words when reading the autocue made me want to cry, it was so adorable. I felt so sorry for him. Bless... 
• However, when Justin Drew Bieber messed up his lines, I sat there thinking, 'God, that poor boy needs a better teacher.' Probably true. But he was fabulous of course, as Bieber always is, in his little (literally) three piece suit and messy hair. 
• Matt Damon for looking divine constantly, sat at the front table next to De Niro, hanging out, casually.
• Robert De Niro, for being slightly racist and not as funny as he thought he was but still excellent. I most enjoyed the fact that everyone felt obliged to laugh, as though he was going to set his mob on them.
• Last but not least, Robert Downey Jr, my hero, my icon, Iron Man. So fantastically inappropriate, yet still painfully attractive and hilarious. No other man on earth could get away with saying what he says and maintain his cool. Genius.

I've just remembered that Glee is tonight. Which reminds me that Lea Michele is an idiot, and her fake tears when Chris Colfer won Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series were noted and will be used against her at numerous points throughout her life and also mine.