Golden Globes 2011

If the Academy thought they had it coming, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association have no idea what's about the hit them...


After numerous occasions on which I have sat myself down, filled with rage, to write a vicious letter of complaint to the Academy in regards to the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio is the greatest living actor of our generation and they need to wake up and recognise it before I fly first class to Los Angeles, smash the place up, and then make them pay my travel expenses, I have never been so close to actually completing one as I was last night.


Here is my issue: The Social Network. I was perfectly OK with the other winners. I guessed Christian Bale would win Best Supporting Actor, I was delighted for Colin Firth, who I adore, even though he's older than my dad and despite the fact that I would have loved Mark Wahlberg to win purely based on his sheer gorgeousness and a long lasting loyalty to my childhood obsession that involved a rather inappropriate Marky Mark lunchbox, because he deserved it! Colin deserved that award. The Social Network was not deserving.


I take that back. The only award they should have won was Best Screenplay, which Aaron Sorkin, hero that he is, did win. Great. I'm so pleased. He nailed his speech and everything. But let's be realistic. Best Director? Best Picture? Are they being serious? Or are they doing it specifically to piss me off? Because it's worked...


Best Director. Erm... I don't know. I've not seen Black Swan yet, but I can tell, even just from the trailer, that it is shot better, that the artistic direction is better. The Fighter, again, not seen it, but it looks edgy and rough and made in a way that supports the film's narrative. The King's Speech! It was an easy option! You could have just handed them the award at the beginning and people would have been pleased. INCEPTION!? HAVE YOU LOST ALL REASONING HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION?! I THINK YOU MUST HAVE! Dear God! Christopher Nolan is a genius anyway, but Inception!? It's lunacy. How anyone could say that the direction of The Social Network is even comparable to that of Inception makes me physically angry. I'm genuinely shaking with rage as I type ferociously. You owe me a new computer, idiots. Realistically, I could have directed that film. Shot of Jesse Eisenberg. Shot of Andrew Garfield. More shots of Andrew Garfield because he is adorable. Another shot of Jesse Eisenberg. Shot of Justin, lead singer of popular boyband 'N Sync. It's not rocket science. It's not like it was a visual masterpiece, or even innovative in any way. 'Oh, Justin. Justin stand here, Jesse, you stand opposite and we'll get a shot of you two talking. Just act natural. Crew, make sure the cameras are on. Aaaaannnnd... ACTION!' Nonsense.


AND BEST PICTURE?! Oh my God, I've never been so close to suicide. How, how, how and why? Honestly. They may as well have given the award to me for all it's worth. I seem to recall loving it, but specifically noting that it was not Oscar worthy/ award worthy and the majority of what I remember appears to either be about how attractive Andrew Garfield is or Justin Timberlake's hair. In fact, in a piece entitled, 'I Didn't Realise Justin Timberlake Had Rejoined 'N Sync' this is what I said:


'Slash, I'm not having all this 'Oscar buzz'. The performances were great, Eisenberg and Garfield were fantastic and played the emotion, or lack there of, involved brilliantly. But truthfully, the only Oscar deserved would be for Aaron Sorkin, who made something with little to no plot so cleverly and subtly hilarious.'


Case closed. I also happened to say: 


'I'm sure Sean Parker was that much of a dick, but I'm also pretty sure that Justin actually based his performance on his 15year-old self. Or at least his hair. I didn't know frosted tips were back! And the amount of make-up they put on his face, arghhh! Not cute. He was, unfortunately, the worst thing about the movie. You know what, maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his performance was just so accurate, I'm assuming he himself... No. I can't even finish that sentence. Listen, JT. FutureSex/LoveSounds came out about 12 years ago and I'm still waiting for the next album. Why don't you 'take a break' from 'acting' and lay down some beats?!'


Must I go on? I think not. I'm mainly enraged because Awards Season is my favourite time of year, and people are insistent upon ruining that. I stayed up until 4am watching it, knowing that I had to be up at 8am to see the worst film nominated in the category to win. The Fighter? The King's Speech? Black Swan? INCEPTION?! I can't even go on talking about it, it's far too distressing. I'm starting to think this is some sort of conspiracy against Leonardo DiCaprio and everything he's in. Bastards. Just, watch out Hollywood Foreign Press Association, you better believe I'm watching you...


If you would like to read what else I said about The Social Network, follow this link:
http://imissbrookside.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-didnt-realise-justin-timberlake-had.html


I would also, before I depart and try to calm myself down, like to take the time to acknowledge a few others that may have been forgotten:

• Christian Bale for being a genuine psycho, which I thoroughly enjoy. I so much admire his determination to finish that poor and boring speech even when they started the music and introduced the next presenters.
• Andrew Garfield tripping over his words when reading the autocue made me want to cry, it was so adorable. I felt so sorry for him. Bless... 
• However, when Justin Drew Bieber messed up his lines, I sat there thinking, 'God, that poor boy needs a better teacher.' Probably true. But he was fabulous of course, as Bieber always is, in his little (literally) three piece suit and messy hair. 
• Matt Damon for looking divine constantly, sat at the front table next to De Niro, hanging out, casually.
• Robert De Niro, for being slightly racist and not as funny as he thought he was but still excellent. I most enjoyed the fact that everyone felt obliged to laugh, as though he was going to set his mob on them.
• Last but not least, Robert Downey Jr, my hero, my icon, Iron Man. So fantastically inappropriate, yet still painfully attractive and hilarious. No other man on earth could get away with saying what he says and maintain his cool. Genius.

I've just remembered that Glee is tonight. Which reminds me that Lea Michele is an idiot, and her fake tears when Chris Colfer won Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series were noted and will be used against her at numerous points throughout her life and also mine.

The Town

I hate myself for the words I am about to type, but Ben Affleck might have finally proven himself to be a good actor. I'm ashamed to admit I even found him attractive for the first time ever. Considering all the other crap he's been in, it wouldn't be hard to beat his past performances (anything with Matt Damon not included), but this film was genuinely good. In fact, I've been thinking about it all day. Unfortunately, this is in part, slash majorly due to the fact that I have written a much better alternate ending. Whilst discussing with a close and very distinguished friend, we have decided that Ben Affleck should be informed that the ending of his movie is, for want of a better word, gay.

The plot of the film is genius, although it was based on a book, so no credit for Affleck there. The direction, the camera work and the performances were all fantastic though, so brava Ben. Even Blake Lively was good! I have made my feelings towards Blake Lively perfectly clear here before, and they have not changed, at all. Her role was completely and utterly pointless. Totally. Fair play to her for fighting her arse off for the part (apparently she got on the train to Boston (shock, horror, gasp!) and managed to convince Ben Affleck that she was actually from Boston and got the role, despite him refusing to even see her for the part) but still, even if they'd given it to a genuine 30 year old crack whore, the role was completely and utterly futile, to the point of frustration. My only explanation for them even putting it into the film in the first place was that, initially, she was in more scenes and they got cut down in editing, probably to make room for the worst ending ever. Yes I get that she is there to help establish Ben Affleck's past, and the relationship between him and Jeremy Renner but still. On reflection, Blake Lively's performance wasn't as good as I thought it was, with her stand out line being, "I'm goin wit choo," in the most unconvincing of accents ever. But she didn't annoy me as much as she does in everyday life so I shall move on...

If all two of you don't want to know the ending, please don't read on because I have every intention of ruining it and ripping it to shreads.

So Ben Affleck is a bank robber of sorts that robs banks for this guy with his mates and they're really good at it. When they rob the first bank, they end up taking Rebecca Hall hostage because she sounds the alarm and they want to scare her into not talking to the FBI because Jon Hamm (FBI agent extraordinaire) has been after them for a while. So after they let her go, Jeremy Renner's all like "we need to watch her", but he's been on a bit of a killing rampage so Ben Affleck decides to keep an eye on her himself, only to fall madly in love with her. At this point she doesn't know it's him that robbed her so it's not that weird. But then they start to get worse at robbing banks and Jon Hamm catches up with them. Ultimately, they get caught, they all get shot, except Ben Affleck who manages to escape, but has to give up on his dream of being with Rebecca Hall. Tragic. He's like the most loveable, adorable bank robber ever. I love films where you route for the criminals! But the ending is just awful.

After declaring all the way through the film that he's never killed anyone, he kills the big boss man and his assistant (which I really didn't want him to do because he really didn't want to do it, but they deserved it). That itself was disappointing. Then he calls Rebecca Hall who has been 'cooperating' with Jon Hamm, and I use that term lightly because once she realises that Ben Affleck is a wanted criminal, she tries to lie to them to protect him. When she receives the call, the FBI are there with her, anticipating it. Ben Affleck can see all of this from his prime observation spot across the street. The FBI are telling her to make him come to the apartment so they can catch him in a pretty pathetic trap. Of course, she doesn't want this to happen, and even though he already knows that he's not going to turn up, as they say their cryptic farewells on the phone, Rebecca Hall manages to sneakily tip him off as to what's going on with a nice smirk. But, as we all know, Jon Hamm is a freakin genius, and so figures it out. Sadly for him, by then, Ben Affleck's already on the train to Florida and there we see him staring over a lake in his new home whilst he provides the voiceover to a rubbish letter he has written for Rebecca Hall. After all the action, it was nothing short of a let down.

This is how it should have gone: He should have called Rebecca Hall as per usual, and whilst she was delivering her cryptic message, her knowing smile should have been the cue for Affleck to smile himself, put down the phone, walk out of shot, and the credits to role, with some sort of action movie score in the background. Think Bourne Ultimatum, I mean, has he learnt nothing from Matt Damon. Much more of a cliffhanger, much more interesting, not so completely dull and pointless it ruins the whole film.

Apart from the worst ever explanation of a film, I think I have provided evidence enough that Ben Affleck should demand for the film to be re-edited and then re-released with the much better ending and then everyone will be happy. The word Oscar might even get thrown around... HA! No, not really, it wasn't that good Ben, but a valiant effort. Congrats.


Slash, just a quick thought on last night's X Factor. If Cher gets through it's a disgrace, she didn't sing, it's not fair, she gave up, she has to deal with it. That Katie girl is so false it makes me want to smash up the TV - IT'S ALL LIES! SHE'S A FAKE! UUURRRGGGHHH! And the Justin Bieber boyband, for whom I predicted great success, proved themselves to be just as fantastic as I thought. They'll get through. I bet Simon's got Bieber himself on speed dial already for the final.