Oh, Col... The Baftas 2011

Oh dear God. Could more have possibly gone wrong? I don't think so. I always seem to think that the Baftas will be a classy affair, typically English, sophisticated, elegant. I am always, always wrong. It was shambolic to the point of complete humiliation on an international scale.

I don't know what was worse; the fact that The Social Network was even tolerated as an award worthy film on my home turf or Emma Watson being there in general. I'm going to completely bipass the fact that The Fighter wasn't even nominated for Best Film... Although there was the occasional saving grace; casual Dev Patel here, casual Dev Patel there, Andrew Garfield in general, JK Rowling's interesting choice of attire, Colin Firth. Oh, Col...

Right! Let us try and do this as chronologically as possible without getting distracted. Helena Bonham Carter is such a hero. Absolutely hilarious. I'm so glad the creepy mum from Black Swan didn't win. I only had to see her face to know that there is no way in hell I'm getting a decent night's sleep tonight.

Question. Who invited Jessica Alba and Neve Campbell? Why are were they there? I'm pretty sure neither of them have been in anything since 2002 at the latest. Not anything that didn't go direct to DVD anyway. And also, why was Kieran Culkin there? Now, I love me a Culkin, and they do have a sneaky habit of appearing in the most unlikely of places at the most unlikely of times. I'm assuming he's dating Emma Stone as they were sat together and that is the only conceivable explanation of why he was in attendance. Unless he just turned up for jokes. Typical Culkins. Slash, as much as I was enjoying the idea of a Culkin using their cult status to geg into the Baftas, it turns out he is dating Emma Stone. Disappointing on so many levels. Well, not really... Mainly just the one... STOP DISTRACTING ME CULKINS!

Screw the chronology. I'll just try and remember. Oh, Colin. Colin, Colin, Colin. He has a way of making me cry by just speaking. It's actually completely absurd and ludicrous, but he's just so damn cute and articulate and eloquent and fabulous and oh my God, when he thanked his mum and dad, I lost it. I was anticipating something much worse. Something tragic about how much he loves his wife. Thankfully, he was kind and restrained himself. I welled up when he thanked Tom Ford for God's sake. Oh, Colin. I applaud you and your greatness.

And suck it Social Network! In England we appreciate films that actually deserve it. The King's Speech is much more deserving of winning Best Film than The Social Network and we all know it. Well, the Oscars probably don't know it, but I refuse to listen to anything they say until they've sorted Leo out with his award. What's tragic is, is that I really did like The Social Network, but it's gotten to the stage now where it has won so many undeserved awards that I cannot actually physically handle any more. Although watching Andrew Garfield and Jesse Eisenberg accept the award on behalf of the painfully underserving David Fincher was beyond adorable. They were so nervous bless them. But doesn't he look lovely in a suit?!

The flow to this is becoming so disjointed that I'm going to have to take this opportunity to apologise, but I need to express my anger about the Harry Potter people before I explode. When I say Harry Potter people, what I really mean is Emma Watson, who tonight was giving Lea Michele a run for her money. YOU'RE PRESENTING AN AWARD FOR SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER! WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO CRY/BE SO OVERWHELMED YOU CANNOT SPEAK FOR WELLING UP!? Moron. At least her dress was hideous. She winds me up to the point where I hope they kill Hermione off as a shock twist in the last film. I find it quite hard to believe that JK (I can call her that, we're mates) is as proud as she is claiming to be of the films. She's probably just proud of all the money they've made her, because if we're being honest with ourselves, save for Lucius Malfoy and a casual bit of Gary Oldman, they're pretty terrible and completely irrelevant to the books. But it would appear JK was wearing some sort of drapey snakeskin print, so she's clearly lost her mind. The best thing about the whole Harry Potter at the Bafta's saga was hands down Stephen Fry. Was it me, or was he the tiniest bit drunk? It can't just be me. He was slurring his words, calling people by the wrong name, swaying slightly. Excellent. Well done, Stephen.

Oh! And thinking of more disasters, what was going on with Rosamond Pike? "Oh, the autocue's gone, I'm sorry. Yes, the original screenplay is very important... It's very important because... You see, as actors we need a good original screenplay..." Enter Dominic Cooper, who's only response was, "Help me get off stage." Oh dear God. And then going to announce the winner before the nominations had even been read out. Jesus Christ. It's not even really live, I don't understand how they could have allowed all that nonsense into the edit. I know they don't have much time, but they had no issue cutting off Mr King's Speech Screenwriter off mid flow with a casual cut to the audience. Terrible. He was so adorable coming to think of it.

Oh my God. The saddest of them all, Sir Christopher Lee. Bless him! I love him. When he walked on, it literally killed me. With his little cane and his little shuffley feet. I literally lost my mind. And it clearly meant so much to him, although it did give Emma Watson yet another excuse to bring out the crocodile tears. She probably doesn't even know who he is. I can't deal with old people. It's too tragic. He was so lovely and eloquent but still, so tragic.

So, overall, it was so poorly put on. I mean, how hard is it to make sure the autocue is going to work? People do it every freakin' day! No wonder most of the nominees don't even bother to show up to the Baftas any more. They clearly have no relevance to the rest of award's season. Although they deserve snaps for giving The King's Speech so many over the film that has become the bane of my life despite the fact I loved it. Oh, such a conflict between heart and mind...

Golden Globes 2011

If the Academy thought they had it coming, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association have no idea what's about the hit them...


After numerous occasions on which I have sat myself down, filled with rage, to write a vicious letter of complaint to the Academy in regards to the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio is the greatest living actor of our generation and they need to wake up and recognise it before I fly first class to Los Angeles, smash the place up, and then make them pay my travel expenses, I have never been so close to actually completing one as I was last night.


Here is my issue: The Social Network. I was perfectly OK with the other winners. I guessed Christian Bale would win Best Supporting Actor, I was delighted for Colin Firth, who I adore, even though he's older than my dad and despite the fact that I would have loved Mark Wahlberg to win purely based on his sheer gorgeousness and a long lasting loyalty to my childhood obsession that involved a rather inappropriate Marky Mark lunchbox, because he deserved it! Colin deserved that award. The Social Network was not deserving.


I take that back. The only award they should have won was Best Screenplay, which Aaron Sorkin, hero that he is, did win. Great. I'm so pleased. He nailed his speech and everything. But let's be realistic. Best Director? Best Picture? Are they being serious? Or are they doing it specifically to piss me off? Because it's worked...


Best Director. Erm... I don't know. I've not seen Black Swan yet, but I can tell, even just from the trailer, that it is shot better, that the artistic direction is better. The Fighter, again, not seen it, but it looks edgy and rough and made in a way that supports the film's narrative. The King's Speech! It was an easy option! You could have just handed them the award at the beginning and people would have been pleased. INCEPTION!? HAVE YOU LOST ALL REASONING HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION?! I THINK YOU MUST HAVE! Dear God! Christopher Nolan is a genius anyway, but Inception!? It's lunacy. How anyone could say that the direction of The Social Network is even comparable to that of Inception makes me physically angry. I'm genuinely shaking with rage as I type ferociously. You owe me a new computer, idiots. Realistically, I could have directed that film. Shot of Jesse Eisenberg. Shot of Andrew Garfield. More shots of Andrew Garfield because he is adorable. Another shot of Jesse Eisenberg. Shot of Justin, lead singer of popular boyband 'N Sync. It's not rocket science. It's not like it was a visual masterpiece, or even innovative in any way. 'Oh, Justin. Justin stand here, Jesse, you stand opposite and we'll get a shot of you two talking. Just act natural. Crew, make sure the cameras are on. Aaaaannnnd... ACTION!' Nonsense.


AND BEST PICTURE?! Oh my God, I've never been so close to suicide. How, how, how and why? Honestly. They may as well have given the award to me for all it's worth. I seem to recall loving it, but specifically noting that it was not Oscar worthy/ award worthy and the majority of what I remember appears to either be about how attractive Andrew Garfield is or Justin Timberlake's hair. In fact, in a piece entitled, 'I Didn't Realise Justin Timberlake Had Rejoined 'N Sync' this is what I said:


'Slash, I'm not having all this 'Oscar buzz'. The performances were great, Eisenberg and Garfield were fantastic and played the emotion, or lack there of, involved brilliantly. But truthfully, the only Oscar deserved would be for Aaron Sorkin, who made something with little to no plot so cleverly and subtly hilarious.'


Case closed. I also happened to say: 


'I'm sure Sean Parker was that much of a dick, but I'm also pretty sure that Justin actually based his performance on his 15year-old self. Or at least his hair. I didn't know frosted tips were back! And the amount of make-up they put on his face, arghhh! Not cute. He was, unfortunately, the worst thing about the movie. You know what, maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his performance was just so accurate, I'm assuming he himself... No. I can't even finish that sentence. Listen, JT. FutureSex/LoveSounds came out about 12 years ago and I'm still waiting for the next album. Why don't you 'take a break' from 'acting' and lay down some beats?!'


Must I go on? I think not. I'm mainly enraged because Awards Season is my favourite time of year, and people are insistent upon ruining that. I stayed up until 4am watching it, knowing that I had to be up at 8am to see the worst film nominated in the category to win. The Fighter? The King's Speech? Black Swan? INCEPTION?! I can't even go on talking about it, it's far too distressing. I'm starting to think this is some sort of conspiracy against Leonardo DiCaprio and everything he's in. Bastards. Just, watch out Hollywood Foreign Press Association, you better believe I'm watching you...


If you would like to read what else I said about The Social Network, follow this link:
http://imissbrookside.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-didnt-realise-justin-timberlake-had.html


I would also, before I depart and try to calm myself down, like to take the time to acknowledge a few others that may have been forgotten:

• Christian Bale for being a genuine psycho, which I thoroughly enjoy. I so much admire his determination to finish that poor and boring speech even when they started the music and introduced the next presenters.
• Andrew Garfield tripping over his words when reading the autocue made me want to cry, it was so adorable. I felt so sorry for him. Bless... 
• However, when Justin Drew Bieber messed up his lines, I sat there thinking, 'God, that poor boy needs a better teacher.' Probably true. But he was fabulous of course, as Bieber always is, in his little (literally) three piece suit and messy hair. 
• Matt Damon for looking divine constantly, sat at the front table next to De Niro, hanging out, casually.
• Robert De Niro, for being slightly racist and not as funny as he thought he was but still excellent. I most enjoyed the fact that everyone felt obliged to laugh, as though he was going to set his mob on them.
• Last but not least, Robert Downey Jr, my hero, my icon, Iron Man. So fantastically inappropriate, yet still painfully attractive and hilarious. No other man on earth could get away with saying what he says and maintain his cool. Genius.

I've just remembered that Glee is tonight. Which reminds me that Lea Michele is an idiot, and her fake tears when Chris Colfer won Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series were noted and will be used against her at numerous points throughout her life and also mine.

The King's Speech

Although I am disturbed by the fact he is older than my dad, I don't think I could love Colin Firth any more. He's brilliant in all sense of the word. So perfectly English and proper, yet so boyish and cheeky and charming and I love him. Excuse me whilst I gush embarrassingly in cliché whilst acting as though I am some sort of reviewing authority.

The King's Speech is excellent. Quite possibly his finest role to date, and I thought A Single Man would be his defining film. I don't know what it is, or why it is happening, but it seems as though the world is just realising how good an actor he is. No longer is he the blithering idiot or the dreamy heart-throb (although I'm never going to turn down an opportunity to see him emerge from a lake). Did I mention I love him?

I think I must have cried all the way through the film. Genuine tears. It was so unsettlingly uplifting I felt that it was all I could do. But here's the thing: he had no friends. I cannot CANNOT physically deal with the thought of people having no friends, it actually breaks my heart. And as if that wasn't enough with his adorable lisp and heartbreaking stammer he goes on to tell of how his nanny didn't feed him because she loved his brother more than him. I genuinely don't understand how I appeared to be the only one sobbing uncontrollably at that concept. I felt destroyed, inconsolable; how could anyone in their right mind do that to Colin Firth?! Yet I left feeling overwhelmingly proud of a King I never even knew existed. (Don't ask me where I thought the Queen appeared from as I would not be able to give you an answer that would avoid me looking like a total moron and then squirming on the floor in shame as people threw dirt on me). I guess that this was the intention of the film though.

Slash, I did become slightly confused as to why Dumbledore was there, but then again, he has always remained a mysterious fellow. Perhaps he was indeed the grandfather of the Queen. Oh my God, Prince Harry is actually Harry Potter! Please excuse me whilst I ring every publication in the land; they're going to want to hear about this...

In all seriousness though, it was amazing. So funny, so tragic, Guy Pearce played the perfect arse as per usual. Colin Firth will most definitely be nominated for another Oscar, and if he's not, you better believe the letter of complaint I'm already writing about Leonardo DiCaprio's snubs is going to get a lot more heated. I would so love him to win! I feel like all of a sudden I've become prim and proper just by spending an hour and a half listening to perfect Queen's English. I shall begin to use words such as 'shan't' and 'alas' in the correct context rather than to express my woes as to the X Factor result. Geoffrey Rush as well. So funny. Another definite Oscar contender. I'm almost positive he'll win. I'm actually struggling to put into words the impact of it as a whole. It's hardly the type of film to mess with your mind and then help you find redemption through the main character or leave you suicidal in confusion. It's a nice film. But I feel it's more than that.

What I loved most about it was that it stripped all pompous and mystique away from the Royal family whilst highlighting their importance in times of despair. As pathetic and cliché as it sounds, it genuinely took you on a journey and left you feeling, well, left me feeling, really proud to be British. I cried because it was happy, I cried because it was sad. I cried because it was about friendship and trust and I cried because Colin Firth is so damn brilliant that he can convey all his emotion just through his eyes! And you don't even realise it! You actually find yourself looking into them as if asking him how to feel. And he's always right.

I don't want to be completely biased because I think technically Geoffrey Rush was better. It wasn't a film about King George, it was about both of them and I now feel as though I could trust Geoffrey (were now on a first name basis) with my life. I want a speech impediment just so he can help me. Helena Bonham Carter was disappointingly forgettable, but I feel like she was meant to be. She was more there there to nudge the story along rather than take centre stage and it made it feel all the more real. The last thing the film needed was to suddenly become a biopic of his whole life. I would have stormed off in anger. It was just right.

I was told I would love it, and I did. And not just because I fancy Colin Firth, even though he's older than my dad.