GB40

Gary Barlow is 40 years old today everyone. And he's nailed his birthday like only he could.

His concert, thankfully broadcast on Radio 2 so as to avoid mass suicide I am sure, was unbelievable.

Let me give you a slight background into my love. I have idolised Gary Barlow since before I was born. 'How is that possible?' you may ask. Some parents play their unborn children Mozart, others Beethoven, mine Take That. And I was born about 5 months after they released their first single, so it wasn't even the good stuff. I believe I was 2 years of age when I first declared my intention to marry one Gary Barlow. I was 4 when I wrote my name on the album liner notes of one of the greatest albums of all time, 'Take That and Party'. My mother was not amused. I had a life sized Take That poster on my door, a poster that was tragically thrown away when the door got broken and discarded. Fear not, the image remains engraved in my memory. It was so tasteful. I carried a Take That ringbinder around secondary school before they even considered getting back together. My mum still has a leather keyring on her car keys from her original Take That fan club membership. I have a blanket knitted by a friend of Gary's grandmother, something I have been bragging about since I was able to talk. I have seen them twice since they reunited and have tickets for this year's tour. And, most recently, my wonderful auntie managed to get me Gary's actual autograph. It's personalised as well. Don't, I'll cry...

I love him if you haven't guessed. I had his doll. I had all their videos, still do. So for Gary to do this, although I'm suicidal about not being there myself, it has managed to make me, his biggest original fan under the age of 20, the happiest girl in the entire land. Scratch that, his biggest original fan. I'd trample the rest.

His voice is amazing. His songs are amazing. His band are amazing. I have cried four individual times over the duration of the broadcast. His talent knows no bounds. None at all. How can you write 'A Million Love Songs' at 15 and continue to get better and better? It's unthinkable genius. I'm genuinely struggling to comment properly and sufficiently on tonight's performance...

The thing with Gary Barlow, and with Take That in general, is that they represent, for so many people, complete and utter happiness. I know that since the reunion, the others have chipped in with the song writing, but you can tell where the real magic comes from. Not to take anything away from the others because I adore them. But Gary, he's a real hero. I would go as far as to say he is one of the greatest song writers of the past 20 years. He's easily in the top 5. And that's not even bias. A gig like that, in a venue as intimate as the Shepherd's Bush Empire, must have been just magical. One of Gary's main talents is, that even seeing him perform at an 80,000 capacity stadium, he can make it feel as though you're right at the front. I think it's his voice. And his warmth. He's so beautifully Northern and so unapologetic about it. I love that. I think that the general impression of Gary Barlow to those who don't love Take That is that he's some old dad-like man that sings cheesy pop songs. I think a lot of people that he's out of touch and corny. I say that those people are ignorant arses who need to get over themselves. They are wrong. His knowledge of music, his passion for music, his eagerness to learn from newer artists, his eagerness to learn from anyone... He's just Northern. Wonderfully, perfectly Northern. He's so well respected and loved by some of the best people in the music industry (cough, Brandon Flowers, cough) that it is near impossible to discredit him as a musician. Slag him off to Elton John, see what'll happen then...

The only issue I have with tonight's performance was the guests. Ellie Goulding was random and unnecessary and didn't sing particularly well. But that was fine. She was on and off. Here is my main issue: Chris Martin. Now, I like Coldplay. I do not love Coldplay, nor do I love Chris Martin. If anything, he annoys me greatly. But dear God, he was terrible. I was so excited when Gary announced him onto stage and then he proceeded to sing, completely off key and out of tune, one of the greatest songs in the world. Yes, I'm talking about 'Back for Good'. I bet Gwyneth was humiliated. And the thing is, I've seen YouTube videos of them singing it, albeit, with Brandon Flowers and Bono helping, and it was amazing. Maybe it was the pressure of Gary's 40th birthday. And all that Take That fans. That's surely enough to stress any one out, although he deserves no excuses. It was terrible. Thanks for ruining Gary's birthday, Chris. Idiot. Oh, and Jo Whiley butting in every 3 seconds to explain the obvious. That was really annoying. And really really unnecessaary. Thanks, Jo, but I think Gary's got it covered. He always does.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Gary! Such a great day for the nation. Such a great day for the world. Whilst I declare my adoration for the great man wherever I go without thought or shame, I have never been prouder to be a Gary Barlow die hard.

Gegheads go Global

So I haven't blogged in about seven million years, mainly because after weeks of having something to spur my rage on a Monday, I find myself One Tree Hill-less and therefore uninspired. However, after missing Gossip Girl on Wednesday, I proceeded to catch up with it on Thursday, and my, oh my, do I have something to say...

But first things first; Justin Bieber Boyband rule all. Elton John week should surely be a week of excellence, after all, it's Queen Elton John III, Commander of the Globe. But alas. Jazzy Jeff managed to crucify a song that technically he should have been good at. Slash, Brandon Flowers rocked the pink blazer way back in 2004, he got stick for it then and his was Dior Homme not Primark and he was (and is) human perfection not a big fatty fatty fat fatkins. Traget Pajet went to lunch with David Suchet... Hmmm, rhymes... Erm... No. My point was this, he was alright, not great, but when Cheryl went, "That's not a song that I'm familiar with," I actually wanted to die. Don't admit on national television that you are not familiar with one of the most famous songs in the world. 'Crocodile Rock' is a classic, love. Oh, the shame...

Everyone else was average, even Matt and Rebecca. Matt should have sung 'Your Song' and even though Rebecca sounded amazing and looked amazing, 'Candle in the Wind' is quite possibly the most depressingly annoying song in the history of all time. She was wasted on it. But she quickly redeemed herself by using the term 'gegging'. Now for those of you who are not from Merseyside like yours truly, to geg is to put oneself in a situation in which they shouldn't really be. Allow me to contextualise. My friend was invited to a party, but she didn't want to go alone and so asked me to go with her even though I didn't know anyone and wasn't invited myself. I therefore felt as though I was 'gegging in' on the party. I was a 'geghead'. Rebecca felt as though she was 'gegging in' on the Harry Potter premiere. It's kind of like gatecrashing a suppose, but it was just excellent to hear a term I frequently use and am responded to in complete and utter confusion expressed on such a public platform. Prepare for gegging to go global.

I'm going to move swiftly away from the Harry Potter premiere as I had myself intended to go, wand in hand, but being the genius I am, managed to mix my days up. Missing my true loves; Curly Bieber, Asian Bieber and McFly... Not cool. But back to One Direction. THEY NAILED IT. Best performance of theirs by far, and easily the best performance of the night, hands down.

Xtra Factor was of course a total treat. Konnie is really starting to wind me up. Yes, I know I've been going on about how much she irritates me for the past few weeks, but tonight she really got me riled. "I thought Paije was really good last week, but actually, I'm not allowed to give an opinion, so just forget what I just said." Erm... You are clearly insane. What are you talking about? How are you still allowed to be doing this show? I don't ever remember you having this much trouble on Blue Peter. But the worst part was when she was sat with two members of McFly either side of her. I don't think I've ever seen an interviewer ever be so obliviously rude. Every time Danny started to voice an opinion, she would interrupt and turn her back to him to speak to Harry or Tom. Slash, Konnie, you're married and they have girlfriends, and are mine, hands off. Oh my God, I just remembered: "Everybody wants a bit of Zain". Or was it, "I'd like a bit of Zain" or something equally as inappropriate to that effect. Oh dear. McFly were hilarious though, as expected. And they want the Bieber Boyband to win. Applause.

Wagner or Katie will go I think, but I've been wrong every time so who knows/cares.

Gossip Girl. It was excellent; it's really getting back to season one good. And I love that. Chuck and Blair are excellent, Nate is as cute as ever, Lily Bass is still a hero and I'm actually intrigued as to what's going on. I think I posted my theory that jailbird Ben is the guy who went to prison for the murder of that guy that Serena 'killed'. I'm sticking with it. Although I'm probably wrong.

"You're worth so much more than any guest lecturer fee." Oh, Dan Humphrey, you charmer, you. With comments like that you could sweep any girl off their feet. I mean, seriously? They're actually scripting lines like, "you're worth so much more than any guest lecturer fee"? Embarrassing for everyone involved. And the best thing about it, was Serena was all like, "yeah, I know." Erm... stop being a filthy slag. And when she told Blair about Colin, and she was like, "You deserve better," and Serena was like, "Yeah, I know, he should totally give up teaching to be with me." Why should he? Why should he quit his job to be with you? Do you really hold yourself in such high esteem as to think men should just give up their entire lives just to spend an hour with you? Tone it down. And when he did quit his job for her, she then decided she didn't want to be with him after all! WHAT THE HELL?! So you make your would be boyfriend quite his job on the premise that you can be together and then dump him? Classy.

I'm most upset though about Colin leaving, he was so pretty. Slash, Vanessa is one crazy bitch. Obviously, she's always been this annoying idiot in the background causing aggro where there need not be, but she has cranked that crazy up about twenty five notches. I mean, she looked high for most of the episode. She's a genuine psychopath. Over Dan Humphrey as well. He's so irritating! I just... Never will I understand. Does he love Serena? Does he not love Serena? Why does everyone love Serena when she treats people like dirt?! Enraged.

What else..? Take That: Look Back, Don't Stare. Oh, Robbie. Oh, Gary. Oh, Mark. Oh, Howard. Oh, Jason. I mean, realistically, it was quite a boring documentary and failed to ignite any new excitement in me, but having said that, I don't think I could be any more excited than I already am. I'm at the stage where I'm literally shaking at the mention of them. Someone only has to say 'Take' and I'm a hideous mess on the floor. I'm a hideous mess on the floor by the time someone's make the 't' sound. God I love them. The thing is with programmes such as this, is that in a way, they ruin the magic. I don't want to see them fighting. I want to think of them as being bezzies, all having a laugh in the studio, cranking out some of the greatest songs of all time. The Flood is one of their best songs ever. It's unbelievable, and such a good song to relaunch themselves with. I love that Elton John just popped up in this too. In his Adidas trackie. It was an Elton John fest. I love how casual they are with him. I'm pretty sure Robbie called him 'El'. Gangster. He said it best though when he said, "I'm getting tears in my eyes seeing you all back together." It's such an emotional time. Such an emotional time. The dream I've had since I was five has finally come true. But even still, I felt like the documentary was just completely unnecessary; the process has been so highly publicised, we know everything there is to know, but I suppose it's always nice to hear what they have to say themselves. I just worship Gary Barlow. He's so talented it hurts. And I'm literally dying of anticipation for their performance tomorrow. I've said from the beginning that Simon would nail it, and he has. King of the World. Well done, Simon.

Until tomorrow, adieu.

Holy Boyband, Bieber!

If One Direction don't win, we can say goodbye to the world as we know it.

"Farewell world! You have served us well, but now it is time for the aliens to have their turn as we all bow down to them and work tirelessly as their slaves. Thank you British Public for ruining everyone's lives. I'm actually really glad Wagner won."

Not going to happen.

After discussing at great length the implications of missing X Factor due to his concert, Brandon Flowers assured me that there was no other choice but to proceed as planned. I was hardly going to argue with someone with that face, and so I decided to suck it up and rely on the good old Sky+. The best, and worst, thing about this was that I was able to skip all the bits I really didn't care about. Therefore, I have no idea what the judges said to most of the contestants or what Wagner sang. And I skipped the end of Storm's as well. No one should sing The Boss. Let's be realistic.

I didn't realise how many contestants there actually are left. In my head, there should only be about 6, but alas, there I was thinking that Matt was about to come on and close the show, but no. Up pops Big Fat Mary, who was amazing by the way, but a bit samey. Of course, there was Bitchface Helmethead Katie, who I really don't care about. Careworker, 29/ Felicia's Brother/ Andy Abraham still boring the world to death. People need to realise, that once a song has been sung by Buble, your version is always going to reek of failure. Deal with it. Sing that one by All 4 One. You know, 'I swear, by the moooon and the staaars in the skyyyy..." That one. I can't even remember any of the others. But Bieber Boyband...

OH MY GOD! When Curly Bieber was so nervous he thought he was going to throw up and then he was crying and all the other Biebers gathered around him and were hugging him! So adorable! Poor Curly Bieber. He's so natural though. Unlike Other Bieber... But Asian Bieber looked so pretty and they were all just amazing and I love them and if they don't win it will be a travesty against humanity.

Slash, I am going to slam an axe through Louis Walsh's head. He's a dick. He drives me to the point of suicide. I hate him. And what's with the ever changing hair colour? He's clearly just trying to look more like Louis Walsh's son so that he can geg in on their success. Idiot.

Wagner and Careworker, 29 to go. Or else...

Gamu Who?

Justin. Bieber. Boyband. I love them. Officially, truly, wholly love them. X Factor last night was the best I have ever seen it, ever. I don't even know why it was so good. It was just amazing! Now, so much happened and there are so many contestants, most of which I cannot remember, that I am going to attempt to comment on each in order.

I couldn't even remember who went first, but I am informed by the trusty X Factor website, that it was F.Y.D: They were OK. I don't really have much to say about them, except that one of them was singing was off. The one who was doing the really high part. Not good. And the one with the earring needs to get over himself ASAP. I like that they can dance though, you can't be in a boyband if you can't dance.

Matt in the Hat: I. love. him. He was amazing. A bit shaky at first, but he got there. He has the most amazing voice! Song was a bit strange, I think they were hoping for some kind of Coldplay vibe, and by the end it was good, but I felt he struggled a bit. Also, I thought that the whole point of the 'makeover' was to alter their image slightly, and in all the promos he is hatless, so I was greatly surprised that the hat returned for the first live show. The same hat, not even a different one, and it totally didn't go!

Careworker, 29: Andy Abraham has returned to X Factor in disguise in an attempt at fame once more. I can't even remember this man's name. Seriously. All, I remember about him is that he is a careworker, and he is 29. He was so forgettable. The only reason I remember him is because he looks like Andy Abraham, and that is not a good thing.

Rebecca Ferguson: She's so nice, she looked so good and she sang it really well. I'm going to throw it out there, she was a tad boring. Don't hate me. But she is. I think she'll go far though, she deserves to.

How boring were the first four?! Maybe it wasn't as good as I thought it was... No way, it was amazing.

Belle Amie: The one that did the rappy part is really good. Very pretty. But the others are so freakin average. They even said it themselves, girl bands never do well, and there is a reason for that. They're never any good. They're never going to win. They'll probably get to about week 4 and then never be seen again.

Right, I have completely and totally forgotten the order, so I'll just slag them off as I remember them.

Storm Lee: Dear Louis Walsh, you are an idiot of the highest order, Love Alice. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Poor, poor, poor Storm Lee. Correct, he is a total moron who genuinely believes himself to be some sort of international rock god, which is so painfully far from the truth. I feel so sorry for him, because he has a great voice, but the silver pants, the red hair, and OH GOD! The make-up! Oh my God. Just awful. And why were all his dancers dressed as He Who Must Not Be Named? My only possible explanation is that the Dark Lord has infiltrated X Factor through his newest Death Eater, Storm Lee. Let's just hope he wins so there's no wizarding war.

Cher Freakin' Lloyd: Has anyone, in the history of the world, ever been so annoying? Her attitude makes me want to beat her face with stones until she pleads for mercy. She was actually very good, but that permanent scowl on her face is just asking for a slap. My favourite fact about Cher Lloyd is that she is a Romany Gypsy. Of course she is! Hilarious. She already thinks she's a megastar, and, unless she wins, which is quite possible, she will realistically, fade into oblivion like all the others. Deal with it bitch.

Oh my God, Diva Fever: Oh no. Just... I... I don't even know what can be said. Just... Why? They're so bad. I mean, Purple Shirt has a nice voice, but Orange Shirt looks like he's just there for a laugh. And what was with the sparkly suits?! It was some sort of hideous 80s nightmare. I genuinely think Orange Shirt was under strict instructions not to sing. He held his mike about 12 metres away from his face and just had the most gormless smile across his face. I don't think he knew what was going on. He was just happy to be there. No chance in hell.

Paije Richardson: "I just can't go back an work in the cinema...! I... I can't sweep popcorn anymore...!" Shut up about the cinema. It's hardly the worst job in the world. Slash, you're 19, quit the cinema and work somewhere else you fool. Last night, he sang alright. Got a bit ahead of himself. What was that jacket!? I believe the words that came out of my friends mouth were: "He looks like a fat Fresh Prince!" Have truer words ever been spoken? No. He genuinely looked as though Will Smith had been squished downwards, so that all his height became fat. Not cool. "I'm so glad everyone loves me!" Erm... what? No, no, no. Don't big yourself up there Jazzy Jeff.

Katie Waissel: I still hate her, and I have a feeling that she will be going home tonight. Mainly because there are some freaks in the world obsessed with Gamu Gamu and they will make sure she goes no matter what. You are not original Katie, you were singing Queen in a weird outfit. Wow, how unique and kooky. Oh, wait. Idiot. She is way way way too over- confident and she shouldn't be. The fact that the judges have to try and overcompensate on their criticism by going on about how nice she is proves that actually, she's a bitch and she's not good. No one cares if she's nice anyway. You can be as nice as you want, but if there is a better singer/performer, you're going home, Helmet Head. Fact.

Mary 'Big Fat Mary' Byrne: Bless her. As I said last week, she'll be in Chicago in a few weeks. She can sing, in fact, she's amazing, but no. She's not going to win. She's not going to get close. I'm pleased she got such a good reception, although, after about 10 minutes of screaming, I was beyond bored. Jog on, we get it, you're big and fat and old and really really talented, but so was Brenda from a few seasons ago. Come to think of it, I'm almost certain she went into Chicago. Maybe Simon has some sort of contract with the theatre and has to provide at least one West End star per series. Lucie Jones anyone? God, I hated her too.

Nicolo Festa: I love him. He's comedy gold. Why would you ever get him singing Lady Gaga. No one can sing Lady Gaga, not even Lady Gaga. It was awful. And the styling? It was like some sort of hideous joke. So tacky. But the thing is, he's so pretty, and in his VTs he looks so good. I think Dannii's trying to make him more 'different' than he really is. He's just a cocky gay Italian with an odd, but good, voice. There was too much going on. And his hair looked like crap. Not cool Danni, not cool.

Justin Bieber Boyband: OH MY GOD! I am beyond obsessed. They are so freakin' unbelievable. Curly Bieber is my favourite, although, I still have a soft spot for Original Bieber. And I loved it when Simon was like, "When things started to go wrong at the end, Liam came and sorted it out." Bless him! I love him. They were genuinely good though. I became hysterical. They have the Bieber Fever effect. When it was mentioned that we should go to the X Factor tour and see them, I literally became some sort of 12 year old mess. Never in my life would I ever have considered even thinking about going to the X Factor tour, but I am so there this year. But they've got such good voices and they're so pretty!
So, just so we've got this straight, there is Original Bieber (Liam Payne), Curly Bieber (Harry from Cheshire), Asian Bieber (Zain 'I'm too cool to dance' Malik), Other Bieber (The other one with dark hair) and Louis Walsh's Son/Kian from Westlife (Niall from Ireland). They could be the Justin Bieber version of the Spice Girls.
I LOVE THEM! I knew they'd be a success... Just saying...

Wagner: Why? Why? Why? He's like the Indian Chief version of Chico. She Bangs by Ricky Martin? Seriously? Oh my God it was so hilarious. When they brought the bongos out! Oh my God! He didn't even play them in time or anything! And what was with his hoop earrings? And his half pony? With a velvet jacket? Words fail me.

Aiden Grimshaw: He is beyond adorable. I cringed slightly when he started to really 'feel the music' which I hate hate hate beyond belief. But his voice is amazing. He's such a popstar. He'll do well. Although, if he doesn't I think Andrew Lloyd Webber might cast him in Phantom.

Treyc Cohen: "Best vocal performance of the night." Sorry, what Simon? No, no, no. You must have still been thinking about One Direction. Treyc can't even spell her own name right. No, no, no. She's alright. But no. Slash, her arse is quite possibly the largest thing I have ever witnessed in all of time. That dress was not flattering at all. Although, I'm not sure any item of clothing will flatter that. No.

I literally can't wait another week. And what makes it worse is that I'm not even going to be able to watch it live on Saturday! I might ring Brandon Flowers and ask him to move his concert. He's American, I get it, he probably didn't realise X Factor was on, but I'm sure, once he finds out, he'll move the concert ASAP. I mean, he won't want to miss it either.

My predictions for the double elimination tonight are thus: Katie Waissel and, with any luck, Careworker, 29.