Oh, Cheryl...

It didn't work for Mel B, why would it work for you? Her hair was so not cute. Oh, just awful. What's going on, Cheryl?! You had such beautiful hair and now... Well... I don't even know what to say... Just, awful. I think it was meant to be some sort of bow, but it just looked like she could have been an extra in the video for Spice Up Your Life.

But the fact that Aiden was eliminated makes me want to kill myself. Erm... British public, hello? What's going on? Wagner in, Aiden out? Let me tell you something: Wagner is not funny. You clearly have no sense of humour whatsoever. At all. Nil. Wagner is NOT funny. I'm hilarious, I would know. Of course, I didn't vote; I'm not going to waste my money on such rubbish. BUT I WILL NOW! I will not rest until justice is mine! And Katie Waissel? I despair. She sang fantastically on her save me song, but her career is not going to be built on save me songs. Unless her first album is 'Katie Waissel: Songs that Saved Me' in which case, I would personally buy them all just to burn them in a bonfire the size of China. And what's going on with her hair? She's got none left! Why haven't they stripped it?! Or at least given her an everyday wig? Dear God. I get that she can sing, I actually like her voice, but I would never buy anything she released, mainly because she's so false it actually causes me heart palpitations. And when she was trying to hug Aiden when they were in the bottom two?! GET OFF HIM! HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR FALSE SYMPATHY BITCH! Oh, poor Aiden Grimshaw, he's so adorable. He clearly doesn't like her, which is hilarious. I don't think any of them actually do. Simon is clearly out of his mind. She must be his secret niece or something. WAIT! So now, not only is she ruining my life every week, having McFly support her and getting to spend every waking minute with the Bieber Boyband, she's now stealing my dream of being Simon Cowell's niece?! Not cool, Waissel. I'd watch your back if I were you...

Is it just me, or has no one else ever heard that JLS song? I mean, I knew they were doing the Children in Need single, but I'd never heard it, and I still couldn't tell you how it went. I genuinely didn't understand a word they were singing. Instead, I found myself shouting, "Do a flip! Bust a move! Take your top off Marv!" That kind of thing, because it was so dull.

Westlife on the other hand... Amazing. I love Westlife. They nailed it. The best thing about Westlife is that every single song follows the same formula. There are two verses, with a chorus at the end of each, followed by a middle eight which builds and builds and builds to a phenomenal key change with pyrotechnics and a momentous step forward. That is the formula that will make me die.

But Take That... OH. MY. GOD. I was so nervous for them. And by them, I mean Robbie, because I knew he would be terrified. But, wow. He was unbelievable. And he looked so happy! They all did. Of course, I was a jibbering wreck. I mean, not only is it a monumental moment in my life, but it's a monumental moment for the nation, for the world. Take That! All five of them! In all their glory. It's such an amazing song. They've nailed it. Nailed it. I have no more words. It has made my life complete.

Dear Konnie Huq,
Please stop. Please. You were never this bad in the good old days. You were the longest serving Blue Peter presenter of all time, for Christ's sake! Please don't ever speak to Westlife again. You are clearly too stupid to do your research and realise that Mary Byrne is not actually the auntie of Nicky Byrne. People are allowed to have the same surname, you know. Don't even look at Shane. His beauty it too much for your eyes. I seem to have blocked everything else you said out my mind, so I'll let you off for the rest of the show... But next week...
Alice. x

And she managed to insult Seal! No one insults Seal! He's way too cool. The way she poses questions is so patronising, and she never actually asks what she means to ask. Seal was actually repeating everything she said to him just to make sure that's what she meant. I'm actually starting to feel sorry for her! I loved her when I was 8! Oh, Konnie.

I think that is all. I hope that is all. I'm going now to fundraise to support my X Factor voting next week. Waissel and Wagner won't win on my watch. Mark my words.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet...

I hate Katie. She should have gone. The producers messed it up by the order in which the judges were asked who they wanted out; if Cheryl had gone last it would almost certainly have gone to dead lock and we would not be saying farewell to Trake, but instead moaning about how we have to sit through another of her performances next week. However, we (and by we, I mean I) are left filled with a dangerously unhealthy rage level that so far as caused damage to several personal possessions. You can't shout "sod it" in the middle of a song, throw yourself to the ground, forget your words and expect the public to like you. She's such a hideous mess. I get Simon likes her, but what's the point of continually saving her she's hated by the public?! Seriously. Even if he gave her a record deal after, she'd sell less records than Nadine Coyle. There is a reason she's failed so many times and that is because no one likes her pathetic attitude and her insistence on pretending to be 'quirky' and modest. It's so painfully transparent. I HATE HER!

But go Bieber Boyband - they totally nailed it last night. They'll win. I know it. Plus, a bit of partial nudity on the Xtra Factor never hurt anyone. But I'm not going to go any further, as just the mention of the Xtra Factor makes me cringe so hard my body actually spasms and it hurts. It took Konnie three attempts to say the word 'contingent'. Words fail me.

Slash, I am barely able to breathe at the thought of next week's gift of Westlife and Take That. I might literally die of anticipation.

Justin Bieber Boyband

X Factor is a physical beast. I freakin' love it. OK, so half the people I hate got through to Judge's Houses, but so did all the people I did like, of course I know none of their names. The man with the hat, the scouse one, the man-band and of course, Justin Bieber. You may know Justin Bieber as that annoying one that auditioned 2 years ago and made it through to Simon's house, but messed it up major by singing Take That and forgeting the words or something. For one, no one should ever attempt to sing Take That unless your name is Gary Barlow, and two, he was about 3 at the time and not even cute or endearing in anyway. Now, Liam Payne is back as Justin Bieber. I feel as though someone should tell him that Stars in their Eyes ended before he was born and that this is a competition to 'find talent'. Slash, make Simon Cowell shit loads of cash. But I love him! I can't even rememeber if he is any good, all I can see when I look at him is Bieber, and I love Bieber. So when Justin Bieber failed to get through, which was obvious when Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend was like 'Simon, we should totes switch up the categories' and Simon was all like, 'Yeah, that'll make people watch', I was dev-patelled. But I should have known! I feel a failure for not even attempting to think ahead and predict that Simon would, as he does every single year, get all the semi-good ones back and make them into bands that will never ever ever work. And so was born the Justin Bieber Boyband.

The Justin Bieber Boyband are going to be absolutely genius. They're all about 12 and not half as talented as the Bieber himself. There is a reason people haven't pelted that child to the ground with stones, and that is because however much you may want to hurt him, he's just too darn good. These kids aren't. If Simon makes them sing anything from High School Musical I will cry. Actually shed tears of disappointment. But everyone will love it. But, as was pointed out to me today, that Zain or whatever his name is, refused outright to take part in the dance task at Boot Camp. The Justin Bieber Boyband will dance. They will have to, and if he ruins my plan for them to make it all the way through to the final, just so Simon can ring the Biebs and get them to perform with him, then I will hunt him down. That is assuming that Bieber Fever will still be rife by Christmas (which it will, as long as there are teenage girls and weirdos like me). I can see it now, they're going to be as annoying as Jedward or as shit as those kids who thought they were Westlife on the last Britain's Got Talent. I think I'd love it if they were awful just as much as I'd enjoy seeing them with Justin Bieber. I also can't wait to see what God awful name they'll come up with. Something as cliched and cheesy as possible.

Ultimately, they stand absolutely no chance whatsoever. It was almost cruel to put them through.

X Factor

I hate this bit of the X Factor. I hate the way they changed the auditions to be all Britain's Got Talent-esq because it is pointless and irritating. I couldn't care less about the auto-tuning 'scandal' because it was not a scandal at all. A scandal would have been that none of the people who auditioned were actually human and they were actually alien life forms that Simon Cowell managed to create in his lab in LA. Even then though, everything Simon says or does is usually for the good of humanity, so I would have accepted it.

Last night was Boot Camp. I can deal more with Boot Camp then I can with the stupid auditions, but realistically, we're all just waiting for Judge's Houses so we can see what delights Sinitta will be wearing as she 'helps' Simon. Sometimes I think she's the best thing about the show as she strolls around the pool wearing leaves whilst some poor contestant is left to melt in the LA heat in front of the Cowell. It's just excellent. I also love that Louis will usually always bring out a Boyzone or Westlife member, who has absolutely no interest in the process, but he's really let me down this year with Sharon Osbourne. No one cares! Anyway, back to Boot Camp.

I hate that Cher girl, I hate that one that thinks she's Madonna circa 1986/ Freddie Mercury and has a record deal that everyone seems to have forgotten about. I hated that boy who refused to dance and then got another chance! As if! I love Simon when he's being all fatherly, but Simon's at his best when he takes no prisoners, when he beats people down with nothing but his painfully accurate words. Not giving them another chance! And that prostitute girl, Chloe. How has she been given so many chances!? I know Simon feels sorry for her, but she turned up late reeking of booze and vomit! Ewwww! Having said all this, when it ended last night, I was desperate to find out who went through to Judge's Houses, and of course who gets which category. They're always disappointed which is hilarious.

Simon Cowell is the most amazing human being ever. He would be the most amazing uncle ever! He'd spoil you so much but with enough tough love as to not ruin you as a person. It's my dream. And when he winks at the contestants! What a sign of approval! I'd kill for a wink from Simon Cowell. What he says goes. He's always right, even when he's wrong. I don't even know why people try and disagree with him, other than to get their fat faces onto TV. It's like when people argue with the police. YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO WIN! You will get arrested and you will end up being convicted of the murder you comitted. It's just the way the cookie crumbles. He's like some sort of music industry God. He should have been Prime Minister. Yes, I get that all the 'cool' artists think that he's ruining music for the world and ruining culture and society in the process. But if they're that arsed, why go and perform on the show? Oh, I know! All that cash Simon wafts in their face. Idiots. Even as I write this I can hear Mark Ronson's voice on the television declaring his admiration for Simon, even though he thinks the show is craptacular. Simon is King, you will always lose, end of conversation.

But in the end, the genius of X Factor, apart from Our Lord Almighty Simon Cowell, is that even when it's so bad you want to hurt yourself just as some sort of distraction, you can't stop watching it. It''s so addictive. And I love it! My main prediction so far is not about any of the contestants, but that Take That will do their first live performance as a 5 piece on one of the live finals. If Simon can't pull that off, I think my faith in him and my sheer adoration of his being will decrease into non-existance. It's the perfect opportunity. Although I am aware that Gary and Robbie are performing on Strictly at some stage... Come on Si, pull it out the bag; work the magic that all your millions have provided. I bet he will. And it will be excellent.