X Factor

I hate this bit of the X Factor. I hate the way they changed the auditions to be all Britain's Got Talent-esq because it is pointless and irritating. I couldn't care less about the auto-tuning 'scandal' because it was not a scandal at all. A scandal would have been that none of the people who auditioned were actually human and they were actually alien life forms that Simon Cowell managed to create in his lab in LA. Even then though, everything Simon says or does is usually for the good of humanity, so I would have accepted it.

Last night was Boot Camp. I can deal more with Boot Camp then I can with the stupid auditions, but realistically, we're all just waiting for Judge's Houses so we can see what delights Sinitta will be wearing as she 'helps' Simon. Sometimes I think she's the best thing about the show as she strolls around the pool wearing leaves whilst some poor contestant is left to melt in the LA heat in front of the Cowell. It's just excellent. I also love that Louis will usually always bring out a Boyzone or Westlife member, who has absolutely no interest in the process, but he's really let me down this year with Sharon Osbourne. No one cares! Anyway, back to Boot Camp.

I hate that Cher girl, I hate that one that thinks she's Madonna circa 1986/ Freddie Mercury and has a record deal that everyone seems to have forgotten about. I hated that boy who refused to dance and then got another chance! As if! I love Simon when he's being all fatherly, but Simon's at his best when he takes no prisoners, when he beats people down with nothing but his painfully accurate words. Not giving them another chance! And that prostitute girl, Chloe. How has she been given so many chances!? I know Simon feels sorry for her, but she turned up late reeking of booze and vomit! Ewwww! Having said all this, when it ended last night, I was desperate to find out who went through to Judge's Houses, and of course who gets which category. They're always disappointed which is hilarious.

Simon Cowell is the most amazing human being ever. He would be the most amazing uncle ever! He'd spoil you so much but with enough tough love as to not ruin you as a person. It's my dream. And when he winks at the contestants! What a sign of approval! I'd kill for a wink from Simon Cowell. What he says goes. He's always right, even when he's wrong. I don't even know why people try and disagree with him, other than to get their fat faces onto TV. It's like when people argue with the police. YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO WIN! You will get arrested and you will end up being convicted of the murder you comitted. It's just the way the cookie crumbles. He's like some sort of music industry God. He should have been Prime Minister. Yes, I get that all the 'cool' artists think that he's ruining music for the world and ruining culture and society in the process. But if they're that arsed, why go and perform on the show? Oh, I know! All that cash Simon wafts in their face. Idiots. Even as I write this I can hear Mark Ronson's voice on the television declaring his admiration for Simon, even though he thinks the show is craptacular. Simon is King, you will always lose, end of conversation.

But in the end, the genius of X Factor, apart from Our Lord Almighty Simon Cowell, is that even when it's so bad you want to hurt yourself just as some sort of distraction, you can't stop watching it. It''s so addictive. And I love it! My main prediction so far is not about any of the contestants, but that Take That will do their first live performance as a 5 piece on one of the live finals. If Simon can't pull that off, I think my faith in him and my sheer adoration of his being will decrease into non-existance. It's the perfect opportunity. Although I am aware that Gary and Robbie are performing on Strictly at some stage... Come on Si, pull it out the bag; work the magic that all your millions have provided. I bet he will. And it will be excellent.