Original Man of Mayhem

DISCLAIMER: Do you want to know what's tragic? I wrote about 1000 words on the how this night has changed my life, how one 16 year old has influenced my soul, and shaped the person I'm going to be. Then, I somehow managed to delete the whole fucking thing. So now, if the following sounds as though my passion for Bieber is dying, don't believe it. It'll just be the self loathing seeping from my words, tainting my love as I attempt to remember the genius I created before.

Only one man, sorry, child can get away with declaring himself the Original Man of Mayhem and that man, sorry, child, goes by the name of Justin Drew Bieber.

If I told you that all my dreams came true tonight, would you judge me? I judge myself, I don't know what I'm talking about. It was just incredible.

I don't even know where to begin. Genuinely, I don't. The boy is a God, a hero, a genius. I mean, I hate to blow my own trumpet, but not only did I predict a Bieber appearance, but I did say that he'd sing a medley of his hits...

I'm just about calming down as I write this, mainly after I was brought smack down to earth by being a technological retard, but I'm still hyped. In a serious, medically concerning sort of way. I cannot even begin to attempt to explain the hysteria that filled every inch of my flat tonight. If I tried, I would fail. There was physical shaking, screaming, arm flapping, jumpers being taken off due to an overwhelming increase in body temperature, fits of giggles, tears of sheer joy, hyperventilating. That sort of thing. By hysteria, I mean hysteria. It's even harder trying to explain it now after having written it once so eloquently. You know, I was right in that head space and now I'm so full of rage with my computer that I can barely string a sentence together, let alone one about the hero that is J. D. Bieber.

So after last time going on about how this is becoming an X Factor blog, it would now appear I have created some sort of Justin Bieber fansite. A shrine to Bieber for the over 5s. I feel like one of those morons who are obsessed with Twilight and write fan-fiction about Cedric Diggory pretending he's a vampire and falling in love with them. I promise it will stop soon. Just not tonight.

As soon as he came on I knew he was going to sing Somebody to Love. I knew it. I could sense it. I just... I just... Oh, Bieber. Words fail me, and for once, in a good way. What makes it all even better is that I've just remembered that The Wanted were on before. I had genuinely forgotten they'd even shown up. There was no need for them. Bieber blew them out of the water. Failures.

I believe that the first thing I ever posted on here was a description of Justin's performance on the VMAs. What was so great about tonight, was that it was almost identical. Let's not mention my failure to procure tickets to his tour...

Here is a list of reasons I loved Justin Bieber's performance so much tonight:

1. The fact that he sang Somebody to Love, my personal favourite.
2. The dance break. God, I love me a dance break. And so seamlessly into Baby.
3. The sick dance moves in general. That kid can throw some serious shapes.
4. He did my favourite dance. Twice.
5. He mimed his way through the entire performance. Not only did he mime, but he did it so unashamedly.
6. The fact that his excuse for lip syncing was that his vocal coach told him that if he sang live it would damage his voice forever.
7. That jacket. 'J. Bieber: Original Man of Mayhem'. Genius.

And after the greatest performance of all time came the greatest interview of all time. You forget that, because he's the coolest most bad-ass human to ever walk the earth, he's actually 8 and never finished school. So when he talks, it's slightly disappointing. Nevertheless, he completely bypassed all of Dermot's questions just to start chatting up Cheryl Cole. Wow. I mean, the wave, the wink, the internationally recognised sign for 'call me'. We all know she ran straight back stage to get his number. And who can blame her? He's a genuine God amongst men. I wonder if the Jews know that the messiah has arrived, and he hails from Stratford, Ontario? 

Oh yeah. In the midst of all the Bieber Fever, I found myself forgetting, slash, completely not caring, that it was the results show and that Katie and Wagner went. Big deal. Everyone knew they would. Although I was scared for One Direction at one point. Who leaves them to the end? That's just toying with people's emotions. Highly unnecessary.

Before I forget, I've checked Bieber's schedule and he's available on Decemeber 11th, the date of the X Factor final. I'm not suggesting anything, but coincidence? I think not...

Slash, it would appear that Nicole Scherzinger has been possessed by the spirit of Michael Jackson. We know how you speak! Who are you trying to kid? That weird, spaced out, high pitched nonsense? Not having it love. 

Anyway, onto the important stuff. In what world is it just that Konnie Huq gets to meet Justin Bieber and I don't? I bet he's the cockiest little bastard ever, and for that I love him more. I bet he was all like, "One what? One Direction? Nah, mate, I'm off to the bar." See, I'm so much more deserving than she is. I genuinely don't think she could have been more patronising if she tried. I can't remember much of what he said, mainly because the majority of what comes out of his mouth doesn't actually make sense, what with him being an undereducated youth and all, but whilst academically challenged, that boy is wise beyond his 7 years.

Konnie: "Do you have any advice for the contestants on how to deal with the fame and the pressure?"

Justin Drew Bieber: "Errrrrr... Yeah... You know... Just. Errrrr... Just remember where you came from, and you know... You... You gotta put God first, you know..."

Preach it, JB! So deep, so wise. There's something so normal and comforting about a 5 year old international sensation preaching the word of the Lord. Excellent. I know that that advice is sticking with me for the rest of time. Always put God first. I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

But don't interrupt him whilst he's eating. Just don't. I think it might actually be in the Bible. Let me check... Ah yes: Thou must not disturb Bieber at the table. It's the secret 11th commandment.

I'm also pretty sure Konnie managed to make some sort of comment about schizophrenia in regards to Katie whilst in conversation with Dr Karl Kennedy and The Hoff which I couldn't let slide.

But now, I'm actually sitting, waiting with bated breath for the first picture of One Direction with Justin Bieber to come out. I have to see it with my own eyes. It will be printed off and framed immediately. I need it.

Oh, Simon. How well you have done. The whole show was dominated by a single child from the depths of Canada. No one even cared about the elimination! Loves it! Everyone's just slagging off Bieber on Twitter. Excellent.

I leave you with a link to the greatest performance of all time. Maybe the second greatest, I mean, there's no drum solo in this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEXAXsroBgE