OK, so Cher sang. Great. It's a singing competition. That's what she's meant to do. I still don't like her. I don't think I ever will. It's the permanent scowl on her face that's covered in about 3 inches of orange foundation that makes me really angry. You're 16, you're not a gangsta from da hood. I'm sure she's a really nice girl... when she's not stealing from your bag and taking the loot back to her caravan.
Justin Bieber Boyband nailed it again. What's worrying me the most about the Bieber Boyband obsession is that I have started to refer to them by their actual names. Why is this happening? Why are they becoming real people and not Bieber related novelty items? I'll tell you why... THEY'RE SO FREAKIN' AWESOME. I genuinely thought they nailed it tonight, as always. But even with Original Bieber's near fatal injury, a week spent running over fans in their taxi and Louis Walsh's son being such a complete and utter thicko, they still came out and nailed it. Jay Z's "protégée" Alexis Jordan was just on the Xtra Factor practically dying talking about Curly Bieber. It's spreading. It's Bieber Fever times five. No one is safe.
The Halloween theme was pretty poor all round. I mean, what has Barry Manilow/Take That's classic 'Could It Be Magic' got to do with Halloween at all? It was literally just like, 'Oh, we'll stick some devil horns on Big Fat Mary, and make her try and be sexy, that'll scare all the kids.' It scared me. Please, Mary, I'm begging you. Don't try and be sexy, ever. It's just not going to work for you, and the more and more you try, the less likely they're going to cast you in Chicago. They want to at least imagine that you can pull off the role, and I've been campaigning for you for weeks, please don't mess it up at the last minute.
Treyc is so pointless. Yes, she can sing. Great. But no one will ever ever buy any of her music for two reasons. 1. It'll be shit, 2. No one cares. The same with Paije. Back to Black for Halloween?! Just because black is a scary colour? Good one. After weeks of laughing at Jazzy Jeff, it occurred to me that he actually is Kenan Thompson of Kenan and Kel fame. I don't know how I haven't seen it before! I feel like I've been tricked. I was blind but now I have received my sight back by some miracle of Bieber. Maybe it was the ridiculous 80s get ups.
Matt was good, but not as good as last week. Again, how tenuous a link is 'Bleeding Love' to Halloween? I keep getting distracted, I'm watching Elton John at the Electric Proms, nailing it. I'm also stressing uncontrollably about the clocks going back and what time I'll actually wake up, but there we go... Where was I...? Ah yes, Matt. I still love him, even though he is losing his hair. Let's just hope he suits a shaved head, because that's the way it's going. If they try and spray it on, or dye it... No. Please no. Not worth thinking about.
Rebecca was amazing, as per usual. So much better than Cher. Just because Cher had a bigger production and she's about 3 but looks about 30. She makes me so angry.
Aiden was poor again. But he's just so darn cute. It was really really boring. How can you make Thriller boring? It's so catchy and dancey, but apparently, when Aiden sings it, it becomes the most unexciting, hideously tedious, unmelodic piece of garbage ever. Poor Aiden. He deserves so much better, even with his big fat legs.
Erm... I can't even remember who else there was. Urrrrgggggjbsndguianoinvraio! Wagner. Of course. He's going this week. He has to. There was no comedy element to that performance at all, although I think he may have some stiff competition from Belle Amie, who were equally as awful and forgettable. Katie now appears to just be doing the same performance over and over again to different songs. So boring and she looked like an idiot. That's them all isn't it?
Let's be realistic, Bieber Boyband are going to win. The screams are ludicrous. You couldn't even hear what the judges were saying over the screaming. It wasn't even just young girls, it was everyone. They have a universal love that will last for the rest of time. They'll be taking over the world, one paeodophilic woman at a time. Oh, Bieber...
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Dear Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott...
Do you think Bieber got where he is today by walking out on music videos? No. Do you really think Simon Cowell accepts 'making soup' as an excuse for not being on set and costing the record company $50,000? No. Do you really think anyone cares about your 'depression' when Julian was naked in the bath? No.
Can I just say, before I being to rant uncontrollably about all the things wrong with this episode of One Tree Hill and rip it brutally and unforgivingly to shreads, that I have just caught up on Friday's episode of The Mentalist, and Simon Baker crying is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen in my life. I hate Red John. I hate him for what he's done to Simon Baker. Slash, loving the Baker's new suit. Loving the Baker in general. He is amazing. I still didn't guess who did it though; he's so clever! And so pretty.
Anyway, back to the travesty that was One Tree Hill. I'm going to be honest and say that I actually didn't listen to most of what was going on for several reasons including: 'I don't care' and 'This is so boring I want to throw myself out the window'. I think the writers need to realise that whilst Skills and Mouth were good characters in the good old days when the Ravens were all together, now they are so totally irrelevant it hurts. When was the last time Nathan spoke to either of them? Yet, they're meant to be bezzies. Take the hint lads. He's a big NBA star now, he hates you, leave him alone. Also, no one cares about Mouth's new girlfriend, or Skills' ex-girlfriend or whoever she is. She looks an awful lot like the cheerleader that he used to go out with in high school, but she isn't her. No one cares.
Hayley setting fire to her piano was genius. So funny. And when Nathan ran in and was all like, "Hayley, what are you doing, you're going to get burnt!" I think that's the point numbskull. I also love that he managed to put it out with a tea towel. Classic Nathan always saving the day. I'm also really glad he was there to comfort Jamie, because when Hayley told him to go to his room, she may as well have smashed in his skull with a ladle. "You know your mom still loves you, right?" Excellent parenting, Nathan. All she said was 'go to your room'. She barely even raised her voice. Take it down a notch. Slash, as if her music video costs that much to make. As if she is making music videos! Oh wait! Of course! She's a giant great big fat celebrity! The world's favourite pop star! Sorry, I really must keep up... How many times is she going to make soup in an attempt to garner sympathy from the viewer? Must I repeat myself over and over and over... NO ONE CARES!
Erm... No one cares about Miranda and her fake English accent that is actually a real English accent and Grubbs the Jesus wannabe with the dark hair and creepily ginger beard. His song was comedy gold. Repetition is the key to success, he just needed a key change and it would have been an instant smash hit. "If I start to change, you've got to stop me." You're not the Incredible Hulk, you're a bartender who clearly thinks too much of himself and has a hideous beard. Who writes craptacular songs. And is an idiot.
Katie is a psycho. I know she's meant to be, but woah. She's insane. My favourite part of this week's instalment in this never ending and totally pointless saga was the fact that the portrait she bought of Clay in last week's episode was actually completely different this week. I swear on my life, the picture has changed. Why?! Why couldn't it be the same one? And Quinn is becoming a worse and worse actress. I think maybe it's the material she's being given, but please. She is awful. And she is about 56 years younger than her 'baby sister' Hayley.
Brooke is so irritating. I know I was campaigning for Brulian, but now I'm starting to wish he'd ditch her and find someone else. Although, quite frankly, I don't care who he's dating if he's going to be in the bath all the time. Oh, and no one cares about the gay actor either. He is about 2 foot tall, with Justin Timberlake *N Sync hair and the weirdest face I have ever seen on a human. Stop wasting Julian's time! He's got a movie to promote! I love that Brooke was all like, "You need to take it easy, I'm worried about you." Why? He's just finished making a movie, his dream, and now he's lying in a super gay bubble bath. It's not as if he's working 5 jobs, 7 days a week whilst battling some sort of terminal disease after his entire family were killed in a nuclear explosion. Chillax, Brooke. He's fine.
OH MY GOD! I actually almost forgot my favourite part of the whole show. "Hey, TMZ. Yes, this is Brooke Davis. No, actually, the person in the picture is Victoria Davis, my mother. V-I-C-T-O-R-I-A."
Let's just stop and take a second. Are we, the public, meant to actually, genuinely believe that TMZ give a shit about a shitty fashion designer from North Carolina and her mother? TMZ?! Seriously?! I don't even know what to say... I mean... It's ludicrous on so many levels. And who casually calls up TMZ and so easily clarifies such a situation? Who can't spell Victoria? No one. Oh, Mark Schwahn, with your silly name and your delusional mind, how I pity your naivety.
Who else don't I care about...? I don't even care about not caring about anyone else. The Mentalist was so good this week that it has totally taken over my brain and now I shall go and dream sweet dreams of Simon Baker's perfect smile...
Can I just say, before I being to rant uncontrollably about all the things wrong with this episode of One Tree Hill and rip it brutally and unforgivingly to shreads, that I have just caught up on Friday's episode of The Mentalist, and Simon Baker crying is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen in my life. I hate Red John. I hate him for what he's done to Simon Baker. Slash, loving the Baker's new suit. Loving the Baker in general. He is amazing. I still didn't guess who did it though; he's so clever! And so pretty.
Anyway, back to the travesty that was One Tree Hill. I'm going to be honest and say that I actually didn't listen to most of what was going on for several reasons including: 'I don't care' and 'This is so boring I want to throw myself out the window'. I think the writers need to realise that whilst Skills and Mouth were good characters in the good old days when the Ravens were all together, now they are so totally irrelevant it hurts. When was the last time Nathan spoke to either of them? Yet, they're meant to be bezzies. Take the hint lads. He's a big NBA star now, he hates you, leave him alone. Also, no one cares about Mouth's new girlfriend, or Skills' ex-girlfriend or whoever she is. She looks an awful lot like the cheerleader that he used to go out with in high school, but she isn't her. No one cares.
Hayley setting fire to her piano was genius. So funny. And when Nathan ran in and was all like, "Hayley, what are you doing, you're going to get burnt!" I think that's the point numbskull. I also love that he managed to put it out with a tea towel. Classic Nathan always saving the day. I'm also really glad he was there to comfort Jamie, because when Hayley told him to go to his room, she may as well have smashed in his skull with a ladle. "You know your mom still loves you, right?" Excellent parenting, Nathan. All she said was 'go to your room'. She barely even raised her voice. Take it down a notch. Slash, as if her music video costs that much to make. As if she is making music videos! Oh wait! Of course! She's a giant great big fat celebrity! The world's favourite pop star! Sorry, I really must keep up... How many times is she going to make soup in an attempt to garner sympathy from the viewer? Must I repeat myself over and over and over... NO ONE CARES!
Erm... No one cares about Miranda and her fake English accent that is actually a real English accent and Grubbs the Jesus wannabe with the dark hair and creepily ginger beard. His song was comedy gold. Repetition is the key to success, he just needed a key change and it would have been an instant smash hit. "If I start to change, you've got to stop me." You're not the Incredible Hulk, you're a bartender who clearly thinks too much of himself and has a hideous beard. Who writes craptacular songs. And is an idiot.
Katie is a psycho. I know she's meant to be, but woah. She's insane. My favourite part of this week's instalment in this never ending and totally pointless saga was the fact that the portrait she bought of Clay in last week's episode was actually completely different this week. I swear on my life, the picture has changed. Why?! Why couldn't it be the same one? And Quinn is becoming a worse and worse actress. I think maybe it's the material she's being given, but please. She is awful. And she is about 56 years younger than her 'baby sister' Hayley.
Brooke is so irritating. I know I was campaigning for Brulian, but now I'm starting to wish he'd ditch her and find someone else. Although, quite frankly, I don't care who he's dating if he's going to be in the bath all the time. Oh, and no one cares about the gay actor either. He is about 2 foot tall, with Justin Timberlake *N Sync hair and the weirdest face I have ever seen on a human. Stop wasting Julian's time! He's got a movie to promote! I love that Brooke was all like, "You need to take it easy, I'm worried about you." Why? He's just finished making a movie, his dream, and now he's lying in a super gay bubble bath. It's not as if he's working 5 jobs, 7 days a week whilst battling some sort of terminal disease after his entire family were killed in a nuclear explosion. Chillax, Brooke. He's fine.
OH MY GOD! I actually almost forgot my favourite part of the whole show. "Hey, TMZ. Yes, this is Brooke Davis. No, actually, the person in the picture is Victoria Davis, my mother. V-I-C-T-O-R-I-A."
Let's just stop and take a second. Are we, the public, meant to actually, genuinely believe that TMZ give a shit about a shitty fashion designer from North Carolina and her mother? TMZ?! Seriously?! I don't even know what to say... I mean... It's ludicrous on so many levels. And who casually calls up TMZ and so easily clarifies such a situation? Who can't spell Victoria? No one. Oh, Mark Schwahn, with your silly name and your delusional mind, how I pity your naivety.
Who else don't I care about...? I don't even care about not caring about anyone else. The Mentalist was so good this week that it has totally taken over my brain and now I shall go and dream sweet dreams of Simon Baker's perfect smile...
Monday, 25 October 2010
The Event
This show is seriously messed up. Like, seriously. But I love it.
Firstly, Jason Ritter is v v cute and I love him. Secondly, Luke Danes of Gilmore Girls fame is a weirdo. Thirdly, Blair Underwood isn't as good a President as I imagined him to be.
I missed it on Friday and so caught up with it over the weekend and am now so totally confused but completely hooked. I think it wants to be the new Lost, which, of course, is a highly unrealistic aim. It's Lost mixed with Invasion, a show that I adored but most people seem to think I made up. I didn't. I swear to you it existed and it was about aliens. And it had Eddie Cibrian in it, before he went and whored it up with Leann Rimes. I'm getting off point. It's no where near as good as Lost, because for some reason, the more unrealistic Lost became, the more I believed it. You follow? I have already failed to suspend my disbelief with The Event. But it keeps coming back.
I kinda wish this show had jibbed the aliens. I feel they are largely unnecessary. It's totally believable until they're all like, "Mr President, these people are not of terrestrial origin." Erm... why not? Why do they have to be aliens. I might just ignore that part of the show. Although, it has put me on edge a bit. How do we know that there aren't aliens wandering down the street, living next door to us? For all we know, they sit around Downing Street panicking that the aliens are going to start some sort of revolution and kill us all. I sincerely hope that this is not the case. I don't like the idea of aliens. I don't even like the word 'alien'. Thank God it's just a TV show.
The idea of it is is that Jason Ritter takes his very pretty girlfriend who happens to be Luke Danes' daughter on a cruise where he plans to propose. Whilst on this cruise, Jason Ritter who plays Sean Walker, saves a woman's life because her 'boyfriend' has a broken arm and can't swim. Then they totally geg in on Sean Walker's holiday and then, all of a sudden, whilst Sean Walker is off snorkling with the girl he saved, his girlfriend is kidnapped and all traces of him are removed from the ship. Now he has to try and find her. Then there is some sort of plane crash, where the plane is aimed at the President's party house and then, just before it hits, vanishes into thin air. This is because President Blair Underwood was about to announce his knowledge of the aliens on earth and attempt to integrate them into society, and they somehow stopped the plane by absorbing it in some sort of electromagnetic field and crashing it in the Arizona desert instead.
Jason Ritter/Sean Walker knows most of this, but now, he has been arrested for a murder he didn't commit, and no one even believes he has a girlfriend. To prove that she is real, he announces, "We were going to get married." If that's not cold hard evidence, I don't know what is. But I love a good conspiracy, and even though this one has disappointed me with the inclusion of aliens, when I watch it, I feel almost claustrophobic, trapped, much how I imagine Sean Walker to feel. It stresses me out. They've managed to very cleverly make Sean Walker a very empathetic character, I want him to solve it now. It ruins my life that no one believes him, and I now feel like I can't trust anyone ever again. For all I know, they're part of a real alien conspiracy. Jason Ritter is the only one who can help me. Much like Dennis Quaid is the only one who will save us when the earth begins to freeze over.
It's tense though. Really tense, and even though you know that everything is going to continually go wrong for Sean Walker, it still makes you go, "NOOOO!" when it happens. Poor, Sean Walker. He's so pretty and all he wants to do is find his girlfriend and get his identity back. Why won't they let him!? Why!?
Oh, and I'm almost certain that they're using the West Wing set for President Blair Underwood's scenes. Loves it.
Firstly, Jason Ritter is v v cute and I love him. Secondly, Luke Danes of Gilmore Girls fame is a weirdo. Thirdly, Blair Underwood isn't as good a President as I imagined him to be.
I missed it on Friday and so caught up with it over the weekend and am now so totally confused but completely hooked. I think it wants to be the new Lost, which, of course, is a highly unrealistic aim. It's Lost mixed with Invasion, a show that I adored but most people seem to think I made up. I didn't. I swear to you it existed and it was about aliens. And it had Eddie Cibrian in it, before he went and whored it up with Leann Rimes. I'm getting off point. It's no where near as good as Lost, because for some reason, the more unrealistic Lost became, the more I believed it. You follow? I have already failed to suspend my disbelief with The Event. But it keeps coming back.
I kinda wish this show had jibbed the aliens. I feel they are largely unnecessary. It's totally believable until they're all like, "Mr President, these people are not of terrestrial origin." Erm... why not? Why do they have to be aliens. I might just ignore that part of the show. Although, it has put me on edge a bit. How do we know that there aren't aliens wandering down the street, living next door to us? For all we know, they sit around Downing Street panicking that the aliens are going to start some sort of revolution and kill us all. I sincerely hope that this is not the case. I don't like the idea of aliens. I don't even like the word 'alien'. Thank God it's just a TV show.
The idea of it is is that Jason Ritter takes his very pretty girlfriend who happens to be Luke Danes' daughter on a cruise where he plans to propose. Whilst on this cruise, Jason Ritter who plays Sean Walker, saves a woman's life because her 'boyfriend' has a broken arm and can't swim. Then they totally geg in on Sean Walker's holiday and then, all of a sudden, whilst Sean Walker is off snorkling with the girl he saved, his girlfriend is kidnapped and all traces of him are removed from the ship. Now he has to try and find her. Then there is some sort of plane crash, where the plane is aimed at the President's party house and then, just before it hits, vanishes into thin air. This is because President Blair Underwood was about to announce his knowledge of the aliens on earth and attempt to integrate them into society, and they somehow stopped the plane by absorbing it in some sort of electromagnetic field and crashing it in the Arizona desert instead.
Jason Ritter/Sean Walker knows most of this, but now, he has been arrested for a murder he didn't commit, and no one even believes he has a girlfriend. To prove that she is real, he announces, "We were going to get married." If that's not cold hard evidence, I don't know what is. But I love a good conspiracy, and even though this one has disappointed me with the inclusion of aliens, when I watch it, I feel almost claustrophobic, trapped, much how I imagine Sean Walker to feel. It stresses me out. They've managed to very cleverly make Sean Walker a very empathetic character, I want him to solve it now. It ruins my life that no one believes him, and I now feel like I can't trust anyone ever again. For all I know, they're part of a real alien conspiracy. Jason Ritter is the only one who can help me. Much like Dennis Quaid is the only one who will save us when the earth begins to freeze over.
It's tense though. Really tense, and even though you know that everything is going to continually go wrong for Sean Walker, it still makes you go, "NOOOO!" when it happens. Poor, Sean Walker. He's so pretty and all he wants to do is find his girlfriend and get his identity back. Why won't they let him!? Why!?
Oh, and I'm almost certain that they're using the West Wing set for President Blair Underwood's scenes. Loves it.
Sunday, 24 October 2010
"Oh, you're an idiot"
JUSTICE IS MINE!
After weeks of travelling up and down the country, campaigning my little heart out to get John out, Careworker, 29 has finally gone home! Andy Abraham has finally gone back to working the bins where he belongs. Who chooses to sing Kelly Clarkson because 'the song means so much to so many people', and then forgets the words?! Dick. It wasn't even in the right key! I think even his brilliantly fabulous sister, Felicia was embarrassed. And that hair...! Dear God. He was even an idiot on the Xtra Factor, 'I've taken it gracefully'. Erm... if you have to say it out loud, then you clearly haven't. Moron. 'There are a lot of pluses, and a lot of cons. There are lots of pros and cons." Thankfully, no one will ever even have to think about him and his annoyingly small head and rubbish songs ever again. Even when he shows up in panto in Norwich or somewhere as 'John from X Factor', people will actually go, "Who?"
I did feel sorry for Treyc, although that dress was doing nothing for the tumour that's growing on her behind. She sang well though, and totally didn't deserve the bottom two treatment. I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky, if Wagner stays another week, I'm going to travel to the Boreham Wood Premier Inn and physically remove him from the country myself. It is just a shambles.
But the best thing about the main show tonight, even better than Michael Buble, was Simon Cowell's response to Belle Amie getting through. Oh my God, I have never seen a smugger face in all my life, and it was brilliant. Oh, Simon. How I love you so. It was the air punch I loved the most. He's usually so reserved when it comes to expressing his joy, there's usually a smug grin and a wink, but an air punch!? Simon, you spoil us. And when he clapped at Louis, he may as well have stuck two fingers up and waved them in his face screaming, "SCREW YOU, LOUIS!" I wish he had. But alas. Maybe next week.
Michael Buble, you are my hero. He could literally sing anything. And I love him. Of course, the performance was pretty average when compared to last year's 'Cry Me A River', which, I might add, is still on the Sky+ at home. Quite possibly the best performance of anything ever. And he came from his holiday to be there! He's so dedicated to the cause! What a hero. But when it came to the interview on The Xtra Factor, he made up for the not as good as last time performance sevenfold. What a genius, a genuine genius of all the geniuses. Konnie Huq, as I may have mentioned before, is not. This is why, when Michael Buble called her an idiot, I saw my life complete before my eyes.
Understandably, she was a bit overwhelmed by the aura of the Buble, his beauty, his presence, his humour, but come on Konnie, you presented Blue Peter, professionalism should be your middle name. I shall now transcribe the interview as I remember it:
Konnie: "So, what's your guilty pleasure?"
Michael Buble: "Probably, Air Supply."
Konnie: "Air Supply, like air? I thought you were going to say chocolate or something..."
Michael Buble: "No, Air Supply the band. Sing sing sing sing sing sing. Ho ho ho."
Konnie: "A guilty pleasure is something you're embarrassed to love."
Michael Buble: "I know what a guilty pleasure is, bitch. Who's embarrassed about something they love or are passionate about? 'Oh, my guilty pleasure is chocolate', you're an idiot."
Now, I might have added the 'bitch' and I also understand that the 'idiot' was indirect. He didn't point in her face chant, "IDIOT! IDIOT!" It would have been excellent if he had, but he didn't. Yet, he said it. He said, "You're an idiot." He then proceeded to ask her to do some sort of hair flick, which ended with her with a mouthful of hair and Michael Buble smouldering into the camera. He is cool, she is not. Fact. "I'm learning all the time, even sitting here with you, I'm learning," Yeah, Michael, learning that she's an idiot. Learning how not to conduct an interview. There were so many things that went wrong on tonight's show I can't even remember them all. I should start taking notes so I don't forget.
Oh, Buble... You are the light of my life. And also, he blatantly loves One Direction.
Bieber, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber & Bieber
I have never in my life been so disappointed. For the past few days, I have been led to believe that Justin Bieber Boyband would actually be singing the Justin Bieber classic 'Baby'. I thought my life was complete. I thought to myself, "If I die on Sunday, at least the Biebers will have sung Bieber." But apparently, mid-week, 'it went wrong'...
Now, I'm not quite sure what 'it went wrong' means. I don't care how wrong it went, Pink is not an appropriate replacement for the hero that is J.D. Bieber. Not cool, Simon. But I don't believe a word of this. My theory goes henceforth: Simon has spoken to Bieber directly, as speculation is rife that J.B wants to be a judge on the American X Factor. In this conversation, Simon has mentioned The Boyband and arranged for Bieber to either be a mentor one week and go down in history as the most amazing X Factor mentor ever in the world, or join them on stage when they obviously make it to the final and nail it. Therefore, the song that 'went wrong' was actually so freakin' good, Simon wants to save it. God I hope I'm right... If not, I have one other plan that will be acceptable to me. If they make it through to the final, and by if I mean when, they should bring Usher back and get The Boyband to perform Somebody To Love. Now that would be brilliant.
Slash, Bieber, I know you read this, I know you're my biggest fan. Get them to support you on your next tour. I'm telling you, the girls would go wild and you might actually get people older than 5 to sit through your concerts.
Let's discuss the others. Cher Lloyd is such a hideous mess it makes me want to strangle her with her own matted extensions. She's just a filthy gypo with a face full of make-up that's asking for a slap. A very dear friend of mine put it so eloquently when she texted me the following: "If I pooed on stage, it'd be better than Cher." This statement rings the beans of truth more than anything else I have ever heard.
Dear Careworker, 29,
You can blame the 'distracting' dancers all you want, you are still shit,
Love Alice. x
What is with that hair? How did his hair grow so quickly since last week? If they gave him some sort of weave/hair piece I will actually vomit. It was like some sort of hair hat. It was reminiscent of some sort of 90s footballer. He is an idiot and he will never ever ever win this show. I'd never even heard his song either. Did any of the judges actually get the memo about this week's theme? They just sang random songs. Matt's was the only one that made sense, but we'll get to him later...
Paije was soooooooo dull, but it's nice to see he's already preparing for his future career at Butlins.
Big Fat Mary is even getting on my nerves now. Chicago is calling my love.
Aiden was better than last week, but was still pretty poor. I feel sorry for him, peaking so early and all, but I just want him to pull it back so much! Come on, Aiden! I never thought I'd ever say this, but I don't think he's feeling the music quite enough... I'm not sure I really mean that, so don't read too much into it.
Katie, Katie, Katie... No matter how much the judges praise her for her performances and declare how nice she is, she will always be hated because she says stupid things and is clearly just an attention whore. Slash, I take issue with The Jungle Book being a 'guilty pleasure'. There is no guilt involved in whole heartedly adoring a Disney classic. And I swear she's putting that whispy voice thing on. Go home, Katie.
Treyc is still having a hard time spelling her name but sang well. Slash, as if Whole Lotta Love is a 'guilty pleasure' either. It's going to be so much better when there's less people and the themes are set in iron-clad stone and then padlocked seven times and locked in a safe. No one can escape it then.
Erm... Rebecca was un-freakin'-believable. I loved everything about it. She's so good, so lovely and looks amazing. She could so totally win, if it wasn't for Matt...
He absolutely nailed it. In every way. Genius song, genius staging, genius guitar, nice arms... He was outstanding. It actually saddens me that he's so good because that ruins One Direction's chances.
I almost forgot about Belle Amie. As if they sang a song that Girls Aloud covered and tried to pass it off as a guilty pleasure in front of Cheryl. Slash, Louis Walsh: Simon is obviously giving One Direction all the attention because Belle Amie are shit and are never going to win. One Direction are freakin' awesome and so pretty and lend themselves perfectly to Bieber related nick-naming. As if Belle Amie could have nick-names like that.
I'm not even going to discuss Wagner on principal. Tool.
Is that them all? I don't even care. There are still too many of them to fully process.
Also, why has Cheryl convinced her category to dye their hair the same hideous colour as her own? Is it some attempt at subliminal marketing? Because it's far from subliminal. More painfully obvious and random.
Two words... Michael Buble. I had been led to believe that Rihanna was performing alongside Cheryl tomorrow night and was hideously disappointed because I hate her with the most intense of passions. So when Dermot announced that it would be Buble, I literally screamed at the top of my voice, flapping my hands around my face as tears uncontrollably ran down my face. A slight over reaction perhaps, but nevertheless, as the proverb goes; Buble is Buble and Buble is God.
Slash, if Konnie Huq makes the same joke about the government taking away and the Xtra Factor giving back, I'm going to actually hunt her down and kill her violently in her sleep. I know it's probably not her fault, but still, she should shoot the writers for what they make her say.
Now, I'm not quite sure what 'it went wrong' means. I don't care how wrong it went, Pink is not an appropriate replacement for the hero that is J.D. Bieber. Not cool, Simon. But I don't believe a word of this. My theory goes henceforth: Simon has spoken to Bieber directly, as speculation is rife that J.B wants to be a judge on the American X Factor. In this conversation, Simon has mentioned The Boyband and arranged for Bieber to either be a mentor one week and go down in history as the most amazing X Factor mentor ever in the world, or join them on stage when they obviously make it to the final and nail it. Therefore, the song that 'went wrong' was actually so freakin' good, Simon wants to save it. God I hope I'm right... If not, I have one other plan that will be acceptable to me. If they make it through to the final, and by if I mean when, they should bring Usher back and get The Boyband to perform Somebody To Love. Now that would be brilliant.
Slash, Bieber, I know you read this, I know you're my biggest fan. Get them to support you on your next tour. I'm telling you, the girls would go wild and you might actually get people older than 5 to sit through your concerts.
Let's discuss the others. Cher Lloyd is such a hideous mess it makes me want to strangle her with her own matted extensions. She's just a filthy gypo with a face full of make-up that's asking for a slap. A very dear friend of mine put it so eloquently when she texted me the following: "If I pooed on stage, it'd be better than Cher." This statement rings the beans of truth more than anything else I have ever heard.
Dear Careworker, 29,
You can blame the 'distracting' dancers all you want, you are still shit,
Love Alice. x
What is with that hair? How did his hair grow so quickly since last week? If they gave him some sort of weave/hair piece I will actually vomit. It was like some sort of hair hat. It was reminiscent of some sort of 90s footballer. He is an idiot and he will never ever ever win this show. I'd never even heard his song either. Did any of the judges actually get the memo about this week's theme? They just sang random songs. Matt's was the only one that made sense, but we'll get to him later...
Paije was soooooooo dull, but it's nice to see he's already preparing for his future career at Butlins.
Big Fat Mary is even getting on my nerves now. Chicago is calling my love.
Aiden was better than last week, but was still pretty poor. I feel sorry for him, peaking so early and all, but I just want him to pull it back so much! Come on, Aiden! I never thought I'd ever say this, but I don't think he's feeling the music quite enough... I'm not sure I really mean that, so don't read too much into it.
Katie, Katie, Katie... No matter how much the judges praise her for her performances and declare how nice she is, she will always be hated because she says stupid things and is clearly just an attention whore. Slash, I take issue with The Jungle Book being a 'guilty pleasure'. There is no guilt involved in whole heartedly adoring a Disney classic. And I swear she's putting that whispy voice thing on. Go home, Katie.
Treyc is still having a hard time spelling her name but sang well. Slash, as if Whole Lotta Love is a 'guilty pleasure' either. It's going to be so much better when there's less people and the themes are set in iron-clad stone and then padlocked seven times and locked in a safe. No one can escape it then.
Erm... Rebecca was un-freakin'-believable. I loved everything about it. She's so good, so lovely and looks amazing. She could so totally win, if it wasn't for Matt...
He absolutely nailed it. In every way. Genius song, genius staging, genius guitar, nice arms... He was outstanding. It actually saddens me that he's so good because that ruins One Direction's chances.
I almost forgot about Belle Amie. As if they sang a song that Girls Aloud covered and tried to pass it off as a guilty pleasure in front of Cheryl. Slash, Louis Walsh: Simon is obviously giving One Direction all the attention because Belle Amie are shit and are never going to win. One Direction are freakin' awesome and so pretty and lend themselves perfectly to Bieber related nick-naming. As if Belle Amie could have nick-names like that.
I'm not even going to discuss Wagner on principal. Tool.
Is that them all? I don't even care. There are still too many of them to fully process.
Also, why has Cheryl convinced her category to dye their hair the same hideous colour as her own? Is it some attempt at subliminal marketing? Because it's far from subliminal. More painfully obvious and random.
Two words... Michael Buble. I had been led to believe that Rihanna was performing alongside Cheryl tomorrow night and was hideously disappointed because I hate her with the most intense of passions. So when Dermot announced that it would be Buble, I literally screamed at the top of my voice, flapping my hands around my face as tears uncontrollably ran down my face. A slight over reaction perhaps, but nevertheless, as the proverb goes; Buble is Buble and Buble is God.
Slash, if Konnie Huq makes the same joke about the government taking away and the Xtra Factor giving back, I'm going to actually hunt her down and kill her violently in her sleep. I know it's probably not her fault, but still, she should shoot the writers for what they make her say.
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Celebrity Juice
They just can't resist talking about Bieber...
Dear Rufus Hound/Fearne Cotton,
You clearly have Bieber Fever. Deal with it.
Love,
Alice.
x
For the 95th episode in a row, Bieber has been brought up. Now, I'm all for taking the piss, he is, after all, comedy gold, but when it starts to get personal, I take offence.
"No one here is going to think Bieber's the most attractive because they all have pubic hair." - Relatively amusing.
"He looks like a distressed baby." - Hilarious, because he does.
"Bieber's hair really pisses me off." - WOAH! Hold up. What?! Bieber's hair really pisses you off?! Erm... What?! Not cool, Fearne Cotton, not cool. Justin Bieber's hair is the foundation of the society in which we all live. Without that hair, where would we be headed politically? What would happen to the arts? To the healthcare system? To life as we know it? Maybe think it through before you speak next time, Fearne...
Slash, the best thing I have ever seen in my life is Dappy from N-Dubz being slapped in the face with a fish. That, right there, is TV gold.
Dear Rufus Hound/Fearne Cotton,
You clearly have Bieber Fever. Deal with it.
Love,
Alice.
x
For the 95th episode in a row, Bieber has been brought up. Now, I'm all for taking the piss, he is, after all, comedy gold, but when it starts to get personal, I take offence.
"No one here is going to think Bieber's the most attractive because they all have pubic hair." - Relatively amusing.
"He looks like a distressed baby." - Hilarious, because he does.
"Bieber's hair really pisses me off." - WOAH! Hold up. What?! Bieber's hair really pisses you off?! Erm... What?! Not cool, Fearne Cotton, not cool. Justin Bieber's hair is the foundation of the society in which we all live. Without that hair, where would we be headed politically? What would happen to the arts? To the healthcare system? To life as we know it? Maybe think it through before you speak next time, Fearne...
Slash, the best thing I have ever seen in my life is Dappy from N-Dubz being slapped in the face with a fish. That, right there, is TV gold.
Did I hear Justin Bieber Boyband...?
Too freakin' right I did!
At approximately 4.15pm, I received cryptic text from the very same strictly anonymous source who informed me of Festa, saying this: "Just a heads up, my mate who works in Topman said that Simon Cowell & a few contestants will be in Topshop around 5pm xx". Read into this what you will. I was sitting with a group of chums casually discussing the torture that lay before us in the form of a book launch of sorts when I received this textual message. Having been discussing the Justin Bieber Boyband with a blonde haired amigo all the long day, we decided that this was too good an opportunity to miss, and so off we ran into the cold night...
Given that we ultimately had 15 minutes to get there, in rush hour, after half an hour of debate as to whether my weakened heart would be able to cope, we managed to get there as the clock struck 5. We very casually strolled around Topman looking and acting very nonchalant so as not to arouse the suspicions of fellow shoppers. The Bieber Boyband was ours and we were not letting some sweaty geg-heads get their hands on them. "They're coming! They're coming!" shouted a not so subtle gay who was clearly meant to be keeping this information on the down-low. So after being followed by about 12 security guards who obviously mistook us for shoplifters, we decided that being outside would be best to get a glimpse of their genius. As we waited, rubbing shoulders with Sir Philip Green on his old-school Nokia and that stylist judge woman with the glasses from Britain's Next Top Model, we wondered if they would ever come. After approximately an hour and 45 minutes waiting, a ginormous crowd worthy of Sir Craig David himself suddenly emerged, forcing me and my blonde haired amigo and two other (late) companions out of the way. I would now suggest the use of a few choice words became more and more frequent as more and more people, who, by the way, had no idea what was going on, came and barged in front of us. Rude. But it was all worth it, as just as my hands were about to fall off my arms with cold, just as the battery on my camera died, just as I was about to stamp on a small child's head, lo and behold came The Biebers.
At approximately 4.15pm, I received cryptic text from the very same strictly anonymous source who informed me of Festa, saying this: "Just a heads up, my mate who works in Topman said that Simon Cowell & a few contestants will be in Topshop around 5pm xx". Read into this what you will. I was sitting with a group of chums casually discussing the torture that lay before us in the form of a book launch of sorts when I received this textual message. Having been discussing the Justin Bieber Boyband with a blonde haired amigo all the long day, we decided that this was too good an opportunity to miss, and so off we ran into the cold night...
Given that we ultimately had 15 minutes to get there, in rush hour, after half an hour of debate as to whether my weakened heart would be able to cope, we managed to get there as the clock struck 5. We very casually strolled around Topman looking and acting very nonchalant so as not to arouse the suspicions of fellow shoppers. The Bieber Boyband was ours and we were not letting some sweaty geg-heads get their hands on them. "They're coming! They're coming!" shouted a not so subtle gay who was clearly meant to be keeping this information on the down-low. So after being followed by about 12 security guards who obviously mistook us for shoplifters, we decided that being outside would be best to get a glimpse of their genius. As we waited, rubbing shoulders with Sir Philip Green on his old-school Nokia and that stylist judge woman with the glasses from Britain's Next Top Model, we wondered if they would ever come. After approximately an hour and 45 minutes waiting, a ginormous crowd worthy of Sir Craig David himself suddenly emerged, forcing me and my blonde haired amigo and two other (late) companions out of the way. I would now suggest the use of a few choice words became more and more frequent as more and more people, who, by the way, had no idea what was going on, came and barged in front of us. Rude. But it was all worth it, as just as my hands were about to fall off my arms with cold, just as the battery on my camera died, just as I was about to stamp on a small child's head, lo and behold came The Biebers.
Now, you may think I have just taken a random picture of some people walking into Topshop, but look closer, and you will realise that the blur in the centre of the image is actually none other than Zain Malik, Asian Bieber himself, and second most attractive member of Justin Bieber Boyband. Next to him, on the left would be Other Bieber. Then, second to Asian Bieber's right would be Harry 'from Cheshire' Styles, YES THAT'S RIGHT, Curly Bieber, my favourite of all the Biebers including Justin. (Slash, maybe not Justin).
I have photos of the other contestants, namely Matt in the Hat, who was coincidentally (or maybe not that coincidentally given his name) wearing the very hat that spawned his nickname, but they don't matter. Not when you have 3 of the 5 Biebers from the Boyband caught on camera.
I believe I screamed louder than the 12 year old girl next to me, and then proceeded to declare, "Oh my God, they're so fit!" Yeah... Not my finest hour, but I was caught up in the excitement of the whole event and, let's be honest, they're pretty fit...
I didn't realise Justin Timberlake had rejoined N Sync...
The issue with films made about real life events is that we already know what's going to happen. And, unfortunately for director, David Fincher, the story of Facebook is actually quite dull. Luckily for David Fincher, Aaron Sorkin is a freakin' genius. Last night I went to see The Social Network.
The main thing that bothered me is that it made me feel stupid. I get that Mark Zuckerberg is some sort of computer/math whizzkid with a stupid name, but I am a lowly student of the word and media, and therefore had no idea what the hell they were talking about a lot of the time. Algorithm was probably the only word I caught onto and that's only because I taught myself Rubix Cube from YouTube (I didn't even mean for that to rhyme - skills) and to do that you have to use 'algorithms'. Slash, I now wish that I could do coding; coding sounds cool. I like codes.
Here is what I have learnt from seeing The Social Network:
The main thing that bothered me is that it made me feel stupid. I get that Mark Zuckerberg is some sort of computer/math whizzkid with a stupid name, but I am a lowly student of the word and media, and therefore had no idea what the hell they were talking about a lot of the time. Algorithm was probably the only word I caught onto and that's only because I taught myself Rubix Cube from YouTube (I didn't even mean for that to rhyme - skills) and to do that you have to use 'algorithms'. Slash, I now wish that I could do coding; coding sounds cool. I like codes.
Here is what I have learnt from seeing The Social Network:
- Mark Zuckerberg is a tool - Obviously, there was acting involved, artistic license and all that but I'm pretty sure he is a giant tool. At times, I wanted to hug him. I don't like people being outcast, unless they totally deserve it of course, and at the beginning of the film, and a little towards the end, I felt sorry for him. Jesse Eisenberg has a slight Seth Cohen-esq manner when playing Zuckerberg, who I will now refer to as Goldberg because it's not as stupid and it reminds me of the Might Ducks. You know, you get that feeling that you want to help him not be such a dick but you know he's going to mess things up with his friends regardless. I still don't know if I actually quite like him, or if I just like Jesse Eisenberg. I think the latter. Goldberg seems to be one of those people that's so clever that he just can't interact with people, he's so intellectually above them, which makes the whole concept of Facebook itself amazingly ironic. It killed me that he just wanted to have friends, be popular for once. And I mean, it was funny when he was blunt with the lawyers, it was funny with his enemies, but when it came to Sean Parker, it was like, NOOOOOOOOOO! Which brings me nicely onto...
- Justin Timberlake cannot act - I love JT, he's a great singer, a great dancer, and he looks pretty a lot of the time, but let's be serious. I'm sure Sean Parker was that much of a dick, but I'm also pretty sure that Justin actually based his performance on his 15year-old self. Or at least his hair. I didn't know frosted tips were back! And the amount of make-up they put on his face, arghhh! Not cute. He was, unfortunately, the worst thing about the movie. You know what, maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his performance was just so accurate, I'm assuming he himself... No. I can't even finish that sentence. Listen, JT. FutureSex/LoveSounds came out about 12 years ago and I'm still waiting for the next album. Why don't you 'take a break' from 'acting' and lay down some beats?!
- Andrew Garfield is a babe - Oh my God, he is so cute. He reminds me of someone or something, perhaps a small woodland creature of sorts, but he is so adorable. And can I just say, black on black is a great look for him. Loves it. I don't think I have ever felt so sorry for anyone in my entire life. All I wanted to know at the end was if they made friends again, and I was left clueless. I'm going to assume they still aren't friends, and you know what, Eduardo is well to good for Goldberg. You don't try and sell out your friends tool! He tried so hard and looked so cute and it broke my heart when he cried! "I was your only friend..." OH MY GOD! HEARTBREAKING! It was just so sad when at the end, when Eduardo was having a go at Goldberg for telling his lawyers that he was charged with animal cruelty, and it turned out that he didn't! JUST BE FRIENDS! Slash, I'm sure the real Eduardo is totally over it and currently rolling around in a big pile of cash inside a room made of cash inside his house made of cold hard cash. Good.
I swear I read somewhere that neither Jesse Eisenberg or someone else never actually met the people they were to portray on screen. That seems weird to me, and if I were Goldberg, I would totally want to cash in on the film. But apparently, he's too big to be dealing with things like this. Tool. It must be so weird to have a movie made about the biggest event in your life without you having a say. Crazy.
Slash, I'm not having all this 'Oscar buzz'. The performances were great, Eisenberg and Garfield were fantastic and played the emotion, or lack there of, involved brilliantly. But truthfully, the only Oscar deserved would be for Aaron Sorkin, who made something with little to no plot so cleverly and subtly hilarious, and made it seem real. I know it is real, I'm not a retard, but something like inventing Facebook and becoming the youngest billionaire in the world ever is just so unthinkable to most people that the story could easily have been a work of complete and utter fantasy. But the characters speak like we speak. I actually leant over to my friend and screamed, "THEY SPEAK LIKE WE SPEAK!" It was so dry and witty. Witty is the perfect word. Well done Aaron.
I'm sorry, I don't quite feel satisfied with what I've said about Justin Timberlake. Does anyone understand what I mean? I just can't quite put my finger on why I can't take him seriously as an actor, and then he shows up with that hair! I know that Sean Parker actually has hair like that (well, I do now thanks to Google Images) but I think it was just the fact that circa 1999, JT actually had hair like that too. It was genuinely like some sort of Facebook/N Sync crossover, much like a Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice, Buffy/Angel kinda thing. Who knew Mark Zuckerberg was such a fan of 90s mainstream pop? I certainly didn't.
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Julian Baker
One Tree Hill now has way too many characters, so much so that the hero that is Julian Baker is not in it enough at all. And let us be honest with ourselves, do we watch it for anything else? No. Except maybe Clay. But not even really for him.
Tonight's episode was another snoozefest, but at least it's starting to hint at more promising things to come. I forget that they're all internationally recognised heroes of industry. There is a town in North Carolina where the majority of the world's biggest celebrities all live, and coincidentally, were all friends before their rise to the A List. Surely it's statistically impossible; that a group of no marks from a no mark town in a no mark state would all become so famous it makes Brad Pitt look like an extra from Hollyoaks. It's ludicrous that they expect us to believe this crap! What's more ludicrous is that they're trying to pass Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott as Quinn's 'younger' sister. She's clearly 47, there is no way in hell she is younger than Quinn. No way. She could play Quinn's mother. Although, I'd like to forget that Quinn and Hayley ever had a mother, as she nearly bored me into a coma the past few weeks.
I love that for Quinn's art show or gallery opening or whatever the hell it was, she turned up and was surprised by how everything was laid out. Surely, surely, being the 'artist' and all, she would have done it herself. And the photos were so random. "We spent an entire week in that village and those girls kept following me around..." An entire week in a third world country?! Well aren't you quite the philanthropist?! Idiot. And that portrait of Clay was hilarious. I love that he wasn't expecting it either, even though it was clearly posed for. And when the actress who played his dead wife and is now playing his stalker who looks like his dead wife showed up, I was thinking, it would be so hilariously cliche if he dropped his drink right now. Whatcha know! And it was so undramatic.
As was Hayley's pregnancy test. When she turned it over, I was expecting there to be some dramatic response in the mirror, or at least a dramatic cut away with some dramatic music, but no. She's too famous for all that. I forget. Oh my God. Why is Nathan still allowed to act? I loved it when he was the rebellious youth, now he's just a boring old man, when actually he's still meant to be about 23. "Your mom's just putting her pretty face on. Well... her prettier face." Smooth, Nate. She can't hear you sucking up to her. Slash, she's hideous with make-up on, especially when she applies it like some sort of evil clown. Christ. And the part where Nathan and Jamie played RockBand. Why do they have KISS costumes just lying around? I mean, the make-up is one unnecessary thing, but the wings and leathers? Erm... no. And it went on for about 5 hours. I understand they were trying to show the bond between Nathan and his son, but realistically, no one cares because he can't act and his son is fat.
Julian's Ryan Atwood complex is still rearing it's head, but now that Brooke's behaving like a reasonable human being again all it's not as frustrating. Slash, Alex is a whore and he shouldn't help her. Who even consents to having sex with the most hideous 'movie star' ever? He's about 2 foot tall with hair worthy of a 15 year old Justin Timberlake. Not a good look. And what is that accent? Where is he from? It was so obvious he was behind the 'leaking' of the sex tape. Poor Julian. Who wants to blackmail him?! He's way too pretty. And $1million? Oh wait, sorry! I forget that they're so famous they're actually worth this. Julian, be normal, let the tape leak and gain free publicity for your shitacious film. No one cares about Alex's mental state, she's an idiot with fat legs. I did love it at the end though when Julian and Brooke were in bed. He might as well have been speaking in Shakespearean verse. No one speaks like that. "You're even more beautiful than in my dreams..." Vom. I'll let it slide Jay, but only because you were topless. Say that shit fully clothed and we'll have to have words.
Oh, and there was that whole Mouth, Skills and Skill's girlfriend who looks like Mouth situation. Does anyone care? No. None of them are attractive enough for us to care. And as soon as Quinn revealed the 'live art', it was so obvious what was going to happen. Skills would catch Mouth and Skill's girlfriend who looks like Mouth together and Victoria and Alexander would also be found out. How stupid is Brooke by the way, not to figure any of this out? Alexander also coincidentally has the hair of a ninties boyband member. I'm thinking something like Richie from 5ive. Is that who had hair like that? I never liked Richie, he had the eyes of a serial killer, and he went out with Billie Piper. I was actually quite upset when they broke up and she got together with Chris Evans. Random.
Anyway, the show is finally getting better, and now that there is a crazy stalker, we're almost guaranteed a good storyline. Hopefully that won't involved Hayley 'I'm so famous' too much. She drives me mad!
Slash, where has Dan Scott gone?
Tonight's episode was another snoozefest, but at least it's starting to hint at more promising things to come. I forget that they're all internationally recognised heroes of industry. There is a town in North Carolina where the majority of the world's biggest celebrities all live, and coincidentally, were all friends before their rise to the A List. Surely it's statistically impossible; that a group of no marks from a no mark town in a no mark state would all become so famous it makes Brad Pitt look like an extra from Hollyoaks. It's ludicrous that they expect us to believe this crap! What's more ludicrous is that they're trying to pass Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott as Quinn's 'younger' sister. She's clearly 47, there is no way in hell she is younger than Quinn. No way. She could play Quinn's mother. Although, I'd like to forget that Quinn and Hayley ever had a mother, as she nearly bored me into a coma the past few weeks.
I love that for Quinn's art show or gallery opening or whatever the hell it was, she turned up and was surprised by how everything was laid out. Surely, surely, being the 'artist' and all, she would have done it herself. And the photos were so random. "We spent an entire week in that village and those girls kept following me around..." An entire week in a third world country?! Well aren't you quite the philanthropist?! Idiot. And that portrait of Clay was hilarious. I love that he wasn't expecting it either, even though it was clearly posed for. And when the actress who played his dead wife and is now playing his stalker who looks like his dead wife showed up, I was thinking, it would be so hilariously cliche if he dropped his drink right now. Whatcha know! And it was so undramatic.
As was Hayley's pregnancy test. When she turned it over, I was expecting there to be some dramatic response in the mirror, or at least a dramatic cut away with some dramatic music, but no. She's too famous for all that. I forget. Oh my God. Why is Nathan still allowed to act? I loved it when he was the rebellious youth, now he's just a boring old man, when actually he's still meant to be about 23. "Your mom's just putting her pretty face on. Well... her prettier face." Smooth, Nate. She can't hear you sucking up to her. Slash, she's hideous with make-up on, especially when she applies it like some sort of evil clown. Christ. And the part where Nathan and Jamie played RockBand. Why do they have KISS costumes just lying around? I mean, the make-up is one unnecessary thing, but the wings and leathers? Erm... no. And it went on for about 5 hours. I understand they were trying to show the bond between Nathan and his son, but realistically, no one cares because he can't act and his son is fat.
Julian's Ryan Atwood complex is still rearing it's head, but now that Brooke's behaving like a reasonable human being again all it's not as frustrating. Slash, Alex is a whore and he shouldn't help her. Who even consents to having sex with the most hideous 'movie star' ever? He's about 2 foot tall with hair worthy of a 15 year old Justin Timberlake. Not a good look. And what is that accent? Where is he from? It was so obvious he was behind the 'leaking' of the sex tape. Poor Julian. Who wants to blackmail him?! He's way too pretty. And $1million? Oh wait, sorry! I forget that they're so famous they're actually worth this. Julian, be normal, let the tape leak and gain free publicity for your shitacious film. No one cares about Alex's mental state, she's an idiot with fat legs. I did love it at the end though when Julian and Brooke were in bed. He might as well have been speaking in Shakespearean verse. No one speaks like that. "You're even more beautiful than in my dreams..." Vom. I'll let it slide Jay, but only because you were topless. Say that shit fully clothed and we'll have to have words.
Oh, and there was that whole Mouth, Skills and Skill's girlfriend who looks like Mouth situation. Does anyone care? No. None of them are attractive enough for us to care. And as soon as Quinn revealed the 'live art', it was so obvious what was going to happen. Skills would catch Mouth and Skill's girlfriend who looks like Mouth together and Victoria and Alexander would also be found out. How stupid is Brooke by the way, not to figure any of this out? Alexander also coincidentally has the hair of a ninties boyband member. I'm thinking something like Richie from 5ive. Is that who had hair like that? I never liked Richie, he had the eyes of a serial killer, and he went out with Billie Piper. I was actually quite upset when they broke up and she got together with Chris Evans. Random.
Anyway, the show is finally getting better, and now that there is a crazy stalker, we're almost guaranteed a good storyline. Hopefully that won't involved Hayley 'I'm so famous' too much. She drives me mad!
Slash, where has Dan Scott gone?
Sunday, 17 October 2010
Two things that should never go together:
X Factor and indifference. Yet this is what I genuinely felt this eve as to who should go.
It was obvious that the world's favourite boyband were going through, it was obvious that Matt in the Hat was through, Big Fat Mary, even Katie to a certain extent. I was however, very shocked at Belle Amie who were actually very good on Saturday, and I hate that kind of thing. I felt really sorry for them. I also felt sorry for Aidan who was so totally through but was left until last. Bless him. He must have been dying.
Wagner and Careworker, 29... Will they ever leave me alone!? Ever? Christ, they are both hideous and need to leave ASAP and as long as they're there, there is little to no tension in the results shows. And I think Simon knows. I wonder who the guests are for next week...
Slash, Diana Vickers. Where were your pants? It wasn't even an atrocious outfit, but it was an atrocious outfit on her. And I swear she wasn't actually singing words. It was all nonsense in something that loosely resembled a melody which she then went on to adamantly take credit for writing on the Xtra Factor. It was so funny when Eliza Doolittle hinted at the fact that Vickers didn't write her own stuff to which her response was, "Actually, I do all my writing. I wrote the whole of the new track that I performed, yeah, yeah." To be honest love, I wouldn't go round bragging. It was shit. And made no sense. Just... Oh no, Diana. No. Not good.
One Direction to win. End of conversation.
It was obvious that the world's favourite boyband were going through, it was obvious that Matt in the Hat was through, Big Fat Mary, even Katie to a certain extent. I was however, very shocked at Belle Amie who were actually very good on Saturday, and I hate that kind of thing. I felt really sorry for them. I also felt sorry for Aidan who was so totally through but was left until last. Bless him. He must have been dying.
Wagner and Careworker, 29... Will they ever leave me alone!? Ever? Christ, they are both hideous and need to leave ASAP and as long as they're there, there is little to no tension in the results shows. And I think Simon knows. I wonder who the guests are for next week...
Slash, Diana Vickers. Where were your pants? It wasn't even an atrocious outfit, but it was an atrocious outfit on her. And I swear she wasn't actually singing words. It was all nonsense in something that loosely resembled a melody which she then went on to adamantly take credit for writing on the Xtra Factor. It was so funny when Eliza Doolittle hinted at the fact that Vickers didn't write her own stuff to which her response was, "Actually, I do all my writing. I wrote the whole of the new track that I performed, yeah, yeah." To be honest love, I wouldn't go round bragging. It was shit. And made no sense. Just... Oh no, Diana. No. Not good.
One Direction to win. End of conversation.
Holy Boyband, Bieber!
If One Direction don't win, we can say goodbye to the world as we know it.
"Farewell world! You have served us well, but now it is time for the aliens to have their turn as we all bow down to them and work tirelessly as their slaves. Thank you British Public for ruining everyone's lives. I'm actually really glad Wagner won."
Not going to happen.
After discussing at great length the implications of missing X Factor due to his concert, Brandon Flowers assured me that there was no other choice but to proceed as planned. I was hardly going to argue with someone with that face, and so I decided to suck it up and rely on the good old Sky+. The best, and worst, thing about this was that I was able to skip all the bits I really didn't care about. Therefore, I have no idea what the judges said to most of the contestants or what Wagner sang. And I skipped the end of Storm's as well. No one should sing The Boss. Let's be realistic.
I didn't realise how many contestants there actually are left. In my head, there should only be about 6, but alas, there I was thinking that Matt was about to come on and close the show, but no. Up pops Big Fat Mary, who was amazing by the way, but a bit samey. Of course, there was Bitchface Helmethead Katie, who I really don't care about. Careworker, 29/ Felicia's Brother/ Andy Abraham still boring the world to death. People need to realise, that once a song has been sung by Buble, your version is always going to reek of failure. Deal with it. Sing that one by All 4 One. You know, 'I swear, by the moooon and the staaars in the skyyyy..." That one. I can't even remember any of the others. But Bieber Boyband...
OH MY GOD! When Curly Bieber was so nervous he thought he was going to throw up and then he was crying and all the other Biebers gathered around him and were hugging him! So adorable! Poor Curly Bieber. He's so natural though. Unlike Other Bieber... But Asian Bieber looked so pretty and they were all just amazing and I love them and if they don't win it will be a travesty against humanity.
Slash, I am going to slam an axe through Louis Walsh's head. He's a dick. He drives me to the point of suicide. I hate him. And what's with the ever changing hair colour? He's clearly just trying to look more like Louis Walsh's son so that he can geg in on their success. Idiot.
Wagner and Careworker, 29 to go. Or else...
"Farewell world! You have served us well, but now it is time for the aliens to have their turn as we all bow down to them and work tirelessly as their slaves. Thank you British Public for ruining everyone's lives. I'm actually really glad Wagner won."
Not going to happen.
After discussing at great length the implications of missing X Factor due to his concert, Brandon Flowers assured me that there was no other choice but to proceed as planned. I was hardly going to argue with someone with that face, and so I decided to suck it up and rely on the good old Sky+. The best, and worst, thing about this was that I was able to skip all the bits I really didn't care about. Therefore, I have no idea what the judges said to most of the contestants or what Wagner sang. And I skipped the end of Storm's as well. No one should sing The Boss. Let's be realistic.
I didn't realise how many contestants there actually are left. In my head, there should only be about 6, but alas, there I was thinking that Matt was about to come on and close the show, but no. Up pops Big Fat Mary, who was amazing by the way, but a bit samey. Of course, there was Bitchface Helmethead Katie, who I really don't care about. Careworker, 29/ Felicia's Brother/ Andy Abraham still boring the world to death. People need to realise, that once a song has been sung by Buble, your version is always going to reek of failure. Deal with it. Sing that one by All 4 One. You know, 'I swear, by the moooon and the staaars in the skyyyy..." That one. I can't even remember any of the others. But Bieber Boyband...
OH MY GOD! When Curly Bieber was so nervous he thought he was going to throw up and then he was crying and all the other Biebers gathered around him and were hugging him! So adorable! Poor Curly Bieber. He's so natural though. Unlike Other Bieber... But Asian Bieber looked so pretty and they were all just amazing and I love them and if they don't win it will be a travesty against humanity.
Slash, I am going to slam an axe through Louis Walsh's head. He's a dick. He drives me to the point of suicide. I hate him. And what's with the ever changing hair colour? He's clearly just trying to look more like Louis Walsh's son so that he can geg in on their success. Idiot.
Wagner and Careworker, 29 to go. Or else...
Saturday, 16 October 2010
The reason I am never leaving the house again. Ever.
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
Oh, Nicolo...
Today I am not talking about TV. I shall explain why. So, this morning, I was all ready to write about tonight's Ugly Betty, because even though I hadn't seen it, I knew it would be dire. Except for sexy CSI Man, obviously. But then today, thankfully, gave me another excuse to talk about X Factor instead. Congrats to today.
This evening at approximately 18:06, I received a cryptic text from a strictly anonymous source, the details of which read, "Nooo! Nicolo from X Factor is stood outside TopShop!!!" The "Nooo!" part, was reference to the fact that the afore mentioned anonymous source had just said goodbye to me in TopShop to return to Headquarters. I was still inside. I did not receive this text until I was half way down Oxford Street, therefore missing the event altogether. I was devestated. I believe the words that came out of my mouth were somewhere along the lines of, "Oh my God, I'm going to kill myself! It's all your [other friends who were dragging me places I had no interest in going] fault! I HATE YOU ALL!" This tyrade of abuse, that was not only embarrassing my friends but also making me look like a mental patient on day release, was quickly and abruptly interrupted by an un-named witness. "Alice! Calm down, look! He's there!" And to my astonishment, there before me stood one Nicolo Festa, Italian mad man, X Factor legend, and my 4th favourite...
At this moment, I think my friends were expecting me to freak out with some sort of cringey squeel worthy of a 13 year old Bieber fan and then quickly move on, phoning everyone I know on the way to the next destination on our tour of Oxford Street. Therefore, when I began to route in my bag, they looked puzzled.
Please do not judge me when I say that I carry, at all times, a camera and the Jude Law Sharpie (named so as King Jude Law VI himself once used it). My explanation of this is simple: if I bump into Michael Buble on the street, I want to be prepared, know what I'm sayin'? "No! You cannot ask for his picture!" But I did. Sadly, my camera has remained in my bag, unused (despite having had quite a run of celebrity spotting including HRH Geri Halliwell), for so long, that it had no battery. I almost smashed it to the ground in rage. But then I remembered that it is no longer 1997 and mobile phones, including mine, now feature all kinds of high-tech insanity, including cameras.
Now, I believe, somewhere in history, that it was once said that a picture speaks a thousand words. Voila!
I once more beg of you not to judge me for my appearance, I usually look normal. It was a long, long day and I had just been under the impression that my life could have ended by missing Nicolo the Great of X Factor Fame. Imagine the trauma...
Of course, I was so overwhelmed by his celebrity that I failed to ask him any questions that I would have liked answered. Is Simon Cowell looking to adopt any 19 year old girls? Are One Direction really all 12 or is it just a voting ploy? How long does it take Mary to put on her fat suit? You know, deep investigative stuff. All I managed was, "Nicolo, I love you. I can't believe you got voted out on Saturday, it wasn't fair. I love you. You were my favourite. I love you. Would you mind taking a picture? Oh... that one's blurred, can I have another?" Of course, he wasn't my favourite, but he didn't need to know that. I did have to restrain from stroking his beautiful face, mainly as it was an inch thick with make-up as they had apparently been on This Morning this morning. Oh, I forgot to mention that he was with the chubby gay one with the pinky ring and the 27 year old guy with 2 kids that blates thought he was getting through and always wore a trilby, both of whom got to Dannii's house. They were also with Lloyd Daniels off of last year's show. Random. But no one cares about them. Anyway, Nicolo was so lovely and wished me a nice day on our departure. And so pretty! So so so pretty! And taller than I thought he would be. Slash, I don't think I've ever seen anyone love the attention so much, it was hilarious, but of course, totally justified.
And there is my tale. The End.
This evening at approximately 18:06, I received a cryptic text from a strictly anonymous source, the details of which read, "Nooo! Nicolo from X Factor is stood outside TopShop!!!" The "Nooo!" part, was reference to the fact that the afore mentioned anonymous source had just said goodbye to me in TopShop to return to Headquarters. I was still inside. I did not receive this text until I was half way down Oxford Street, therefore missing the event altogether. I was devestated. I believe the words that came out of my mouth were somewhere along the lines of, "Oh my God, I'm going to kill myself! It's all your [other friends who were dragging me places I had no interest in going] fault! I HATE YOU ALL!" This tyrade of abuse, that was not only embarrassing my friends but also making me look like a mental patient on day release, was quickly and abruptly interrupted by an un-named witness. "Alice! Calm down, look! He's there!" And to my astonishment, there before me stood one Nicolo Festa, Italian mad man, X Factor legend, and my 4th favourite...
At this moment, I think my friends were expecting me to freak out with some sort of cringey squeel worthy of a 13 year old Bieber fan and then quickly move on, phoning everyone I know on the way to the next destination on our tour of Oxford Street. Therefore, when I began to route in my bag, they looked puzzled.
Please do not judge me when I say that I carry, at all times, a camera and the Jude Law Sharpie (named so as King Jude Law VI himself once used it). My explanation of this is simple: if I bump into Michael Buble on the street, I want to be prepared, know what I'm sayin'? "No! You cannot ask for his picture!" But I did. Sadly, my camera has remained in my bag, unused (despite having had quite a run of celebrity spotting including HRH Geri Halliwell), for so long, that it had no battery. I almost smashed it to the ground in rage. But then I remembered that it is no longer 1997 and mobile phones, including mine, now feature all kinds of high-tech insanity, including cameras.
Now, I believe, somewhere in history, that it was once said that a picture speaks a thousand words. Voila!
I once more beg of you not to judge me for my appearance, I usually look normal. It was a long, long day and I had just been under the impression that my life could have ended by missing Nicolo the Great of X Factor Fame. Imagine the trauma...
Of course, I was so overwhelmed by his celebrity that I failed to ask him any questions that I would have liked answered. Is Simon Cowell looking to adopt any 19 year old girls? Are One Direction really all 12 or is it just a voting ploy? How long does it take Mary to put on her fat suit? You know, deep investigative stuff. All I managed was, "Nicolo, I love you. I can't believe you got voted out on Saturday, it wasn't fair. I love you. You were my favourite. I love you. Would you mind taking a picture? Oh... that one's blurred, can I have another?" Of course, he wasn't my favourite, but he didn't need to know that. I did have to restrain from stroking his beautiful face, mainly as it was an inch thick with make-up as they had apparently been on This Morning this morning. Oh, I forgot to mention that he was with the chubby gay one with the pinky ring and the 27 year old guy with 2 kids that blates thought he was getting through and always wore a trilby, both of whom got to Dannii's house. They were also with Lloyd Daniels off of last year's show. Random. But no one cares about them. Anyway, Nicolo was so lovely and wished me a nice day on our departure. And so pretty! So so so pretty! And taller than I thought he would be. Slash, I don't think I've ever seen anyone love the attention so much, it was hilarious, but of course, totally justified.
And there is my tale. The End.
Monday, 11 October 2010
The Only Way Is Essex
For some reason I actually watched this show, and instead of writing about it straight away, I felt the need to sleep on it and decide whether it was worth actually commenting on. It is. But for nothing positive.
I assumed that it would be a full on reality show, in the same vein as The Hills, you know, a bit of scripting there, a bit of plotting there, but it turns out that the show is, or at least appears to be, completely acted. It's like they're trying to act out The Hills, but in Essex. I even thought maybe it would be like Living on The Edge, which I loved, but alas, it's more like Dream Team. (Remember Dream Team? It was my favourite show ever.) And now, because of this awful acting as though they're not acting, it makes the things they say even stupider. Like, genuinely idiotic. And it's not even funny. And I swear I recognise half the cast.
Can you sense my confusion?
I refuse to learn their names on sheer principal, so bear with me as I try and describe my favourite moments from the worst show I've ever seen in my whole entire life.
I assumed that it would be a full on reality show, in the same vein as The Hills, you know, a bit of scripting there, a bit of plotting there, but it turns out that the show is, or at least appears to be, completely acted. It's like they're trying to act out The Hills, but in Essex. I even thought maybe it would be like Living on The Edge, which I loved, but alas, it's more like Dream Team. (Remember Dream Team? It was my favourite show ever.) And now, because of this awful acting as though they're not acting, it makes the things they say even stupider. Like, genuinely idiotic. And it's not even funny. And I swear I recognise half the cast.
Can you sense my confusion?
I refuse to learn their names on sheer principal, so bear with me as I try and describe my favourite moments from the worst show I've ever seen in my whole entire life.
- Vajazzling - Now, I think it's quite normal that I had never heard of this before, yet, when someone on the show questioned the process, they looked at them as if they needed shooting. I'm pretty sure that ITV are trying to trick people into thinking this is popular in Essex, when actually, it's not. If you, like me have never heard of Vajazzling, let me explain, using the words of the cast. "You have to wax your, erm... bikini area, into like a heart or somefink and den, obviously, you put loads of diamantes raaaaaand it." My favourite part of this sentence, apart from the fact that it sounds completely awful, is the use of the word 'obviously'. OBVIOUSLY?! How, in anybody's mind, would the next step OBVIOUSLY be diamanted minge? Seriously. I physically abhor them all. With every ounce of myself. Slash, one of them had someone's name tattooed on their bits too... I think it was Mark's name. Classy.
- Mark - OK, I remembered his name, but I get the sense that he is meant to be the main character of sorts. He even looks pretty when he shuts up and ditches the leather sleeved blazer. But, oh my God, could he be any worse an actor? It's just cringeworthy. I think he thinks he's the Essex version of Stephen Beard from Living on the Edge; properly up himself. But then I remember that actually, this show is nothing like Living on the Edge, because whilst they were fed scenarios and possible phrases, this whole thing has been written like a soap. So 'Mark' is probably really Thomas from Manchester, recently married, trying one last time to fulfil his dream of becoming a star. It just doesn't work! Slash, could he flirt any more with his 'sister'? Ew. Not cool. And when he went to that shop, that looked like someone's basement, to look for a casual watch! He spent ages there looking at them all, then bought a £3,000 Rolex that he's wanted for ages. That doesn't make sense. He didn't know what he wanted when he entered the shop. These people blatently don't have the kind of money they're throwing around either. It's just embarrassing.
- The one that used to go out with Mark - She is beyond hideous. If you insist on wearing a dress that small with a body that size you deserve everything that gets thrown at you, whether that be insults or bottles. Slash, why not actually buy a dress in the right size instead of pouring yourself into something that makes you look like some sort of space sausage. Idiot. And even though I couldn't give a shit about their relationship, when Mark sat her down at the end and said, "We either get back together properly or not at all. And properly means, I'm going to propose and everything," but in an even less romantic way that made it sound more like a threat, she was all like, "Nah, you and your ickle friend can do what you want. I need to break apart from ya." Hilarious. She spent the whole episode moaning about wanting him back and then turned him down. Ridiculous.
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Dear Ofcom...
No. No. No.
X Factor, what are you trying to do to me? Why are you trying to ruin my life? Why, after all I have given to you, do you insist on ruining all my hopes and dreams? No! If I wasn't so lazy and worried about my phone bill, Ofcom would have not been able to get rid of me tonight. It's an outrage! I am now in the most hideous of rages.
I freakin LOVED Nicolo! He was so pretty! So pretty! I just can't believe that bastard Wagner is in after singing Ricky bastard Martin, and Nicolo has been sent home! And Diva fucking Fever! Who is voting for them!? Who!? Idiots, that's clearly who. And even though F.Y.D. were average, Katie 'look how edgy I am' Waissel should totally have gone. She'll be in the bottom two every week, guaranteed. People just don't like her. Fair play to her, she sang well, really really well, but you can't get away with being as fake as Lindsay Lohan's hair extensions for long. Nah, not having it. But Nicolo! Oh, Nicolo! Poor adorable Nicolo! I now see why they brough Usher in, just to calm the nation with excellence before they ruined innocent British lives. Usher, of course, was amazing, but the best part was after he sang, and Dermot went, "But you discovered Justin Bieber, so you know all about finding young talent." Bieber solves everything
Can I just say that I have never been so repulsed by a person in my life than I was tonight by Joe McElderry. Ew. He's so gross. Since when did he sing like a woman? That song, that Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat themed lighting, the choreograhpy. I mean, the boy cannot, repeat, CANNOT dance. He has little to no rhythm. None whatsoever. And what was with the Zac Efron intense stare at the end? It lasted about 12 minutes! There is a reason Zac Efron does it, and it does not work for little gayboys from South Shields. No, Joe. No. I'm sure he's a lovely person, but honestly, the way he talks, the way he moves, he reminds me of some sort of hardcore Christian that knocks on people's doors asking if they have the Lord in their hearts. Well, Joe, I've got the Dark Lord in mine, and I am not having you or your awful song. Deal with it.
I don't think I have ever been so enraged at X Factor. SO enraged was I that I actually turned on the Xtra Factor to see poor poor Nicolo's reaction, but it just made me more angry. If there was an award for the worst TV presenter of all time, it would go to Konnie Huq. Oh. My. God. Just awful. She is painful! It's almost impossible to watch. For one, the show is not at all funny and makes a mockery of the serious, hard-hitting substance of the main show. Secondly, she lacks any comic timing and is so inappropriate with the guests it makes my stomach lurch. When she told Usher he was a sex god, and then preceeded to say, "Babes, it's nice to get all hot and sweaty," I actually thought I was going to throw up. I almost died for Usher. He's so freakin' cool and she is so embarrassing. I think he felt sorry for her, because I would have walked out of that interview. And Hayden Panettiere! Note the 'I' in Panettiere, Konnie. "Hayden Panaterre!" No! How awkward! And the people who do the graphics that show the names of the guests! How hard is it to go on imdb and copy and paste it into whatever program they use. I think they actually spelt it 'Panetirere'. How does that even resemble anything close to the poor girl's actual name? And then she goes, "But now, it's time for a break," only for the camera to stay on her and some poor producer to shout down her ear that actually they're not cutting to break for another 7 minutes. "Actually, no we're not going to break, it's time for S.O.S. No, not that kind of S.O.S, Simon on Sinitta." Actually, Konnie, the segment is called 'Sinitta on Simon'. Learn the script. I think I could present that show better than she does. It just goes to show, it all goes down hill after Blue Peter...
X Factor, what are you trying to do to me? Why are you trying to ruin my life? Why, after all I have given to you, do you insist on ruining all my hopes and dreams? No! If I wasn't so lazy and worried about my phone bill, Ofcom would have not been able to get rid of me tonight. It's an outrage! I am now in the most hideous of rages.
I freakin LOVED Nicolo! He was so pretty! So pretty! I just can't believe that bastard Wagner is in after singing Ricky bastard Martin, and Nicolo has been sent home! And Diva fucking Fever! Who is voting for them!? Who!? Idiots, that's clearly who. And even though F.Y.D. were average, Katie 'look how edgy I am' Waissel should totally have gone. She'll be in the bottom two every week, guaranteed. People just don't like her. Fair play to her, she sang well, really really well, but you can't get away with being as fake as Lindsay Lohan's hair extensions for long. Nah, not having it. But Nicolo! Oh, Nicolo! Poor adorable Nicolo! I now see why they brough Usher in, just to calm the nation with excellence before they ruined innocent British lives. Usher, of course, was amazing, but the best part was after he sang, and Dermot went, "But you discovered Justin Bieber, so you know all about finding young talent." Bieber solves everything
Can I just say that I have never been so repulsed by a person in my life than I was tonight by Joe McElderry. Ew. He's so gross. Since when did he sing like a woman? That song, that Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat themed lighting, the choreograhpy. I mean, the boy cannot, repeat, CANNOT dance. He has little to no rhythm. None whatsoever. And what was with the Zac Efron intense stare at the end? It lasted about 12 minutes! There is a reason Zac Efron does it, and it does not work for little gayboys from South Shields. No, Joe. No. I'm sure he's a lovely person, but honestly, the way he talks, the way he moves, he reminds me of some sort of hardcore Christian that knocks on people's doors asking if they have the Lord in their hearts. Well, Joe, I've got the Dark Lord in mine, and I am not having you or your awful song. Deal with it.
I don't think I have ever been so enraged at X Factor. SO enraged was I that I actually turned on the Xtra Factor to see poor poor Nicolo's reaction, but it just made me more angry. If there was an award for the worst TV presenter of all time, it would go to Konnie Huq. Oh. My. God. Just awful. She is painful! It's almost impossible to watch. For one, the show is not at all funny and makes a mockery of the serious, hard-hitting substance of the main show. Secondly, she lacks any comic timing and is so inappropriate with the guests it makes my stomach lurch. When she told Usher he was a sex god, and then preceeded to say, "Babes, it's nice to get all hot and sweaty," I actually thought I was going to throw up. I almost died for Usher. He's so freakin' cool and she is so embarrassing. I think he felt sorry for her, because I would have walked out of that interview. And Hayden Panettiere! Note the 'I' in Panettiere, Konnie. "Hayden Panaterre!" No! How awkward! And the people who do the graphics that show the names of the guests! How hard is it to go on imdb and copy and paste it into whatever program they use. I think they actually spelt it 'Panetirere'. How does that even resemble anything close to the poor girl's actual name? And then she goes, "But now, it's time for a break," only for the camera to stay on her and some poor producer to shout down her ear that actually they're not cutting to break for another 7 minutes. "Actually, no we're not going to break, it's time for S.O.S. No, not that kind of S.O.S, Simon on Sinitta." Actually, Konnie, the segment is called 'Sinitta on Simon'. Learn the script. I think I could present that show better than she does. It just goes to show, it all goes down hill after Blue Peter...
Gamu Who?
Justin. Bieber. Boyband. I love them. Officially, truly, wholly love them. X Factor last night was the best I have ever seen it, ever. I don't even know why it was so good. It was just amazing! Now, so much happened and there are so many contestants, most of which I cannot remember, that I am going to attempt to comment on each in order.
I couldn't even remember who went first, but I am informed by the trusty X Factor website, that it was F.Y.D: They were OK. I don't really have much to say about them, except that one of them was singing was off. The one who was doing the really high part. Not good. And the one with the earring needs to get over himself ASAP. I like that they can dance though, you can't be in a boyband if you can't dance.
Matt in the Hat: I. love. him. He was amazing. A bit shaky at first, but he got there. He has the most amazing voice! Song was a bit strange, I think they were hoping for some kind of Coldplay vibe, and by the end it was good, but I felt he struggled a bit. Also, I thought that the whole point of the 'makeover' was to alter their image slightly, and in all the promos he is hatless, so I was greatly surprised that the hat returned for the first live show. The same hat, not even a different one, and it totally didn't go!
Careworker, 29: Andy Abraham has returned to X Factor in disguise in an attempt at fame once more. I can't even remember this man's name. Seriously. All, I remember about him is that he is a careworker, and he is 29. He was so forgettable. The only reason I remember him is because he looks like Andy Abraham, and that is not a good thing.
Rebecca Ferguson: She's so nice, she looked so good and she sang it really well. I'm going to throw it out there, she was a tad boring. Don't hate me. But she is. I think she'll go far though, she deserves to.
How boring were the first four?! Maybe it wasn't as good as I thought it was... No way, it was amazing.
Belle Amie: The one that did the rappy part is really good. Very pretty. But the others are so freakin average. They even said it themselves, girl bands never do well, and there is a reason for that. They're never any good. They're never going to win. They'll probably get to about week 4 and then never be seen again.
Right, I have completely and totally forgotten the order, so I'll just slag them off as I remember them.
Storm Lee: Dear Louis Walsh, you are an idiot of the highest order, Love Alice. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Poor, poor, poor Storm Lee. Correct, he is a total moron who genuinely believes himself to be some sort of international rock god, which is so painfully far from the truth. I feel so sorry for him, because he has a great voice, but the silver pants, the red hair, and OH GOD! The make-up! Oh my God. Just awful. And why were all his dancers dressed as He Who Must Not Be Named? My only possible explanation is that the Dark Lord has infiltrated X Factor through his newest Death Eater, Storm Lee. Let's just hope he wins so there's no wizarding war.
Cher Freakin' Lloyd: Has anyone, in the history of the world, ever been so annoying? Her attitude makes me want to beat her face with stones until she pleads for mercy. She was actually very good, but that permanent scowl on her face is just asking for a slap. My favourite fact about Cher Lloyd is that she is a Romany Gypsy. Of course she is! Hilarious. She already thinks she's a megastar, and, unless she wins, which is quite possible, she will realistically, fade into oblivion like all the others. Deal with it bitch.
Oh my God, Diva Fever: Oh no. Just... I... I don't even know what can be said. Just... Why? They're so bad. I mean, Purple Shirt has a nice voice, but Orange Shirt looks like he's just there for a laugh. And what was with the sparkly suits?! It was some sort of hideous 80s nightmare. I genuinely think Orange Shirt was under strict instructions not to sing. He held his mike about 12 metres away from his face and just had the most gormless smile across his face. I don't think he knew what was going on. He was just happy to be there. No chance in hell.
Paije Richardson: "I just can't go back an work in the cinema...! I... I can't sweep popcorn anymore...!" Shut up about the cinema. It's hardly the worst job in the world. Slash, you're 19, quit the cinema and work somewhere else you fool. Last night, he sang alright. Got a bit ahead of himself. What was that jacket!? I believe the words that came out of my friends mouth were: "He looks like a fat Fresh Prince!" Have truer words ever been spoken? No. He genuinely looked as though Will Smith had been squished downwards, so that all his height became fat. Not cool. "I'm so glad everyone loves me!" Erm... what? No, no, no. Don't big yourself up there Jazzy Jeff.
Katie Waissel: I still hate her, and I have a feeling that she will be going home tonight. Mainly because there are some freaks in the world obsessed with Gamu Gamu and they will make sure she goes no matter what. You are not original Katie, you were singing Queen in a weird outfit. Wow, how unique and kooky. Oh, wait. Idiot. She is way way way too over- confident and she shouldn't be. The fact that the judges have to try and overcompensate on their criticism by going on about how nice she is proves that actually, she's a bitch and she's not good. No one cares if she's nice anyway. You can be as nice as you want, but if there is a better singer/performer, you're going home, Helmet Head. Fact.
Mary 'Big Fat Mary' Byrne: Bless her. As I said last week, she'll be in Chicago in a few weeks. She can sing, in fact, she's amazing, but no. She's not going to win. She's not going to get close. I'm pleased she got such a good reception, although, after about 10 minutes of screaming, I was beyond bored. Jog on, we get it, you're big and fat and old and really really talented, but so was Brenda from a few seasons ago. Come to think of it, I'm almost certain she went into Chicago. Maybe Simon has some sort of contract with the theatre and has to provide at least one West End star per series. Lucie Jones anyone? God, I hated her too.
Nicolo Festa: I love him. He's comedy gold. Why would you ever get him singing Lady Gaga. No one can sing Lady Gaga, not even Lady Gaga. It was awful. And the styling? It was like some sort of hideous joke. So tacky. But the thing is, he's so pretty, and in his VTs he looks so good. I think Dannii's trying to make him more 'different' than he really is. He's just a cocky gay Italian with an odd, but good, voice. There was too much going on. And his hair looked like crap. Not cool Danni, not cool.
Justin Bieber Boyband: OH MY GOD! I am beyond obsessed. They are so freakin' unbelievable. Curly Bieber is my favourite, although, I still have a soft spot for Original Bieber. And I loved it when Simon was like, "When things started to go wrong at the end, Liam came and sorted it out." Bless him! I love him. They were genuinely good though. I became hysterical. They have the Bieber Fever effect. When it was mentioned that we should go to the X Factor tour and see them, I literally became some sort of 12 year old mess. Never in my life would I ever have considered even thinking about going to the X Factor tour, but I am so there this year. But they've got such good voices and they're so pretty!
So, just so we've got this straight, there is Original Bieber (Liam Payne), Curly Bieber (Harry from Cheshire), Asian Bieber (Zain 'I'm too cool to dance' Malik), Other Bieber (The other one with dark hair) and Louis Walsh's Son/Kian from Westlife (Niall from Ireland). They could be the Justin Bieber version of the Spice Girls.
I LOVE THEM! I knew they'd be a success... Just saying...
Wagner: Why? Why? Why? He's like the Indian Chief version of Chico. She Bangs by Ricky Martin? Seriously? Oh my God it was so hilarious. When they brought the bongos out! Oh my God! He didn't even play them in time or anything! And what was with his hoop earrings? And his half pony? With a velvet jacket? Words fail me.
Aiden Grimshaw: He is beyond adorable. I cringed slightly when he started to really 'feel the music' which I hate hate hate beyond belief. But his voice is amazing. He's such a popstar. He'll do well. Although, if he doesn't I think Andrew Lloyd Webber might cast him in Phantom.
Treyc Cohen: "Best vocal performance of the night." Sorry, what Simon? No, no, no. You must have still been thinking about One Direction. Treyc can't even spell her own name right. No, no, no. She's alright. But no. Slash, her arse is quite possibly the largest thing I have ever witnessed in all of time. That dress was not flattering at all. Although, I'm not sure any item of clothing will flatter that. No.
I literally can't wait another week. And what makes it worse is that I'm not even going to be able to watch it live on Saturday! I might ring Brandon Flowers and ask him to move his concert. He's American, I get it, he probably didn't realise X Factor was on, but I'm sure, once he finds out, he'll move the concert ASAP. I mean, he won't want to miss it either.
My predictions for the double elimination tonight are thus: Katie Waissel and, with any luck, Careworker, 29.
I couldn't even remember who went first, but I am informed by the trusty X Factor website, that it was F.Y.D: They were OK. I don't really have much to say about them, except that one of them was singing was off. The one who was doing the really high part. Not good. And the one with the earring needs to get over himself ASAP. I like that they can dance though, you can't be in a boyband if you can't dance.
Matt in the Hat: I. love. him. He was amazing. A bit shaky at first, but he got there. He has the most amazing voice! Song was a bit strange, I think they were hoping for some kind of Coldplay vibe, and by the end it was good, but I felt he struggled a bit. Also, I thought that the whole point of the 'makeover' was to alter their image slightly, and in all the promos he is hatless, so I was greatly surprised that the hat returned for the first live show. The same hat, not even a different one, and it totally didn't go!
Careworker, 29: Andy Abraham has returned to X Factor in disguise in an attempt at fame once more. I can't even remember this man's name. Seriously. All, I remember about him is that he is a careworker, and he is 29. He was so forgettable. The only reason I remember him is because he looks like Andy Abraham, and that is not a good thing.
Rebecca Ferguson: She's so nice, she looked so good and she sang it really well. I'm going to throw it out there, she was a tad boring. Don't hate me. But she is. I think she'll go far though, she deserves to.
How boring were the first four?! Maybe it wasn't as good as I thought it was... No way, it was amazing.
Belle Amie: The one that did the rappy part is really good. Very pretty. But the others are so freakin average. They even said it themselves, girl bands never do well, and there is a reason for that. They're never any good. They're never going to win. They'll probably get to about week 4 and then never be seen again.
Right, I have completely and totally forgotten the order, so I'll just slag them off as I remember them.
Storm Lee: Dear Louis Walsh, you are an idiot of the highest order, Love Alice. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Poor, poor, poor Storm Lee. Correct, he is a total moron who genuinely believes himself to be some sort of international rock god, which is so painfully far from the truth. I feel so sorry for him, because he has a great voice, but the silver pants, the red hair, and OH GOD! The make-up! Oh my God. Just awful. And why were all his dancers dressed as He Who Must Not Be Named? My only possible explanation is that the Dark Lord has infiltrated X Factor through his newest Death Eater, Storm Lee. Let's just hope he wins so there's no wizarding war.
Cher Freakin' Lloyd: Has anyone, in the history of the world, ever been so annoying? Her attitude makes me want to beat her face with stones until she pleads for mercy. She was actually very good, but that permanent scowl on her face is just asking for a slap. My favourite fact about Cher Lloyd is that she is a Romany Gypsy. Of course she is! Hilarious. She already thinks she's a megastar, and, unless she wins, which is quite possible, she will realistically, fade into oblivion like all the others. Deal with it bitch.
Oh my God, Diva Fever: Oh no. Just... I... I don't even know what can be said. Just... Why? They're so bad. I mean, Purple Shirt has a nice voice, but Orange Shirt looks like he's just there for a laugh. And what was with the sparkly suits?! It was some sort of hideous 80s nightmare. I genuinely think Orange Shirt was under strict instructions not to sing. He held his mike about 12 metres away from his face and just had the most gormless smile across his face. I don't think he knew what was going on. He was just happy to be there. No chance in hell.
Paije Richardson: "I just can't go back an work in the cinema...! I... I can't sweep popcorn anymore...!" Shut up about the cinema. It's hardly the worst job in the world. Slash, you're 19, quit the cinema and work somewhere else you fool. Last night, he sang alright. Got a bit ahead of himself. What was that jacket!? I believe the words that came out of my friends mouth were: "He looks like a fat Fresh Prince!" Have truer words ever been spoken? No. He genuinely looked as though Will Smith had been squished downwards, so that all his height became fat. Not cool. "I'm so glad everyone loves me!" Erm... what? No, no, no. Don't big yourself up there Jazzy Jeff.
Katie Waissel: I still hate her, and I have a feeling that she will be going home tonight. Mainly because there are some freaks in the world obsessed with Gamu Gamu and they will make sure she goes no matter what. You are not original Katie, you were singing Queen in a weird outfit. Wow, how unique and kooky. Oh, wait. Idiot. She is way way way too over- confident and she shouldn't be. The fact that the judges have to try and overcompensate on their criticism by going on about how nice she is proves that actually, she's a bitch and she's not good. No one cares if she's nice anyway. You can be as nice as you want, but if there is a better singer/performer, you're going home, Helmet Head. Fact.
Mary 'Big Fat Mary' Byrne: Bless her. As I said last week, she'll be in Chicago in a few weeks. She can sing, in fact, she's amazing, but no. She's not going to win. She's not going to get close. I'm pleased she got such a good reception, although, after about 10 minutes of screaming, I was beyond bored. Jog on, we get it, you're big and fat and old and really really talented, but so was Brenda from a few seasons ago. Come to think of it, I'm almost certain she went into Chicago. Maybe Simon has some sort of contract with the theatre and has to provide at least one West End star per series. Lucie Jones anyone? God, I hated her too.
Nicolo Festa: I love him. He's comedy gold. Why would you ever get him singing Lady Gaga. No one can sing Lady Gaga, not even Lady Gaga. It was awful. And the styling? It was like some sort of hideous joke. So tacky. But the thing is, he's so pretty, and in his VTs he looks so good. I think Dannii's trying to make him more 'different' than he really is. He's just a cocky gay Italian with an odd, but good, voice. There was too much going on. And his hair looked like crap. Not cool Danni, not cool.
Justin Bieber Boyband: OH MY GOD! I am beyond obsessed. They are so freakin' unbelievable. Curly Bieber is my favourite, although, I still have a soft spot for Original Bieber. And I loved it when Simon was like, "When things started to go wrong at the end, Liam came and sorted it out." Bless him! I love him. They were genuinely good though. I became hysterical. They have the Bieber Fever effect. When it was mentioned that we should go to the X Factor tour and see them, I literally became some sort of 12 year old mess. Never in my life would I ever have considered even thinking about going to the X Factor tour, but I am so there this year. But they've got such good voices and they're so pretty!
So, just so we've got this straight, there is Original Bieber (Liam Payne), Curly Bieber (Harry from Cheshire), Asian Bieber (Zain 'I'm too cool to dance' Malik), Other Bieber (The other one with dark hair) and Louis Walsh's Son/Kian from Westlife (Niall from Ireland). They could be the Justin Bieber version of the Spice Girls.
I LOVE THEM! I knew they'd be a success... Just saying...
Wagner: Why? Why? Why? He's like the Indian Chief version of Chico. She Bangs by Ricky Martin? Seriously? Oh my God it was so hilarious. When they brought the bongos out! Oh my God! He didn't even play them in time or anything! And what was with his hoop earrings? And his half pony? With a velvet jacket? Words fail me.
Aiden Grimshaw: He is beyond adorable. I cringed slightly when he started to really 'feel the music' which I hate hate hate beyond belief. But his voice is amazing. He's such a popstar. He'll do well. Although, if he doesn't I think Andrew Lloyd Webber might cast him in Phantom.
Treyc Cohen: "Best vocal performance of the night." Sorry, what Simon? No, no, no. You must have still been thinking about One Direction. Treyc can't even spell her own name right. No, no, no. She's alright. But no. Slash, her arse is quite possibly the largest thing I have ever witnessed in all of time. That dress was not flattering at all. Although, I'm not sure any item of clothing will flatter that. No.
I literally can't wait another week. And what makes it worse is that I'm not even going to be able to watch it live on Saturday! I might ring Brandon Flowers and ask him to move his concert. He's American, I get it, he probably didn't realise X Factor was on, but I'm sure, once he finds out, he'll move the concert ASAP. I mean, he won't want to miss it either.
My predictions for the double elimination tonight are thus: Katie Waissel and, with any luck, Careworker, 29.
Friday, 8 October 2010
I promise to stop talking about Justin Bieber
At least for a few days. Slash, it's X Factor tomorrow, so maybe next week.
We all know I love the Justin Bieber boyband, so my life was made when last night, whilst I was watching Celebrity Juice, they started talking about them. Of course, they referred to them as One Direction (a poor band name) when lo and behold, Paloma Faith goes, "Oh, are they the ones that all look like Justin Bieber?"
My reaction to this was thus:
I would also like to point out that Paloma Faith should stop stealing my ideas.
We all know I love the Justin Bieber boyband, so my life was made when last night, whilst I was watching Celebrity Juice, they started talking about them. Of course, they referred to them as One Direction (a poor band name) when lo and behold, Paloma Faith goes, "Oh, are they the ones that all look like Justin Bieber?"
My reaction to this was thus:
- Screaming
- Running into each of my flatmates rooms individually, still screaming
- Repeating the story at least thrice to each flatmate
- Getting into bed, too excited to sleep and thinking, 'I must blog about this tomorrow'.
I would also like to point out that Paloma Faith should stop stealing my ideas.
OUTRAGE! A travesty against basic human rights.
In this grand country, you wouldn't allow a person to live without a name. In this grand country, you would not allow a person to be subject to physical or mental abuse. In this grand country, you would not allow a child to be deprived of an education. So why is it, that in this supposedly grand country, you can allow a person to live without Justin Bieber? It is for this reason that I believe the government should alter the laws regarding basic human rights to include the watching of Justin Bieber Live at the VMAs 2010.
It is with great horror, shock and disappointment that I today learnt that Viacom International have removed all videos of Bieber is all his glory at this year's VMAs from YouTube. This is not acceptable.
To reverse this sick and twisted motion, I propose a petition to shut down Viacom International, and have the persons personally responsible for this travesty tried and sentenced to a minimum of 70 years in high security prison.
For the time being however, I provide you with another link to watch the greatest televisual event of all time. Unforunately, this one is not as good quality as its predecessor as it has been recorded off some loser's television, but it shall have to do:
http://www.musicvideolife.com/2010-mtv-vmas-justin-bieber-live-performance-video_f5b44cdc4.html
UPDATE: There is still one on there: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L427smp_LLo
It is with great horror, shock and disappointment that I today learnt that Viacom International have removed all videos of Bieber is all his glory at this year's VMAs from YouTube. This is not acceptable.
To reverse this sick and twisted motion, I propose a petition to shut down Viacom International, and have the persons personally responsible for this travesty tried and sentenced to a minimum of 70 years in high security prison.
For the time being however, I provide you with another link to watch the greatest televisual event of all time. Unforunately, this one is not as good quality as its predecessor as it has been recorded off some loser's television, but it shall have to do:
http://www.musicvideolife.com/2010-mtv-vmas-justin-bieber-live-performance-video_f5b44cdc4.html
UPDATE: There is still one on there: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L427smp_LLo
Thursday, 7 October 2010
Wall Street 2: Money Sleeps Quite Frequently When You Keep Going On About Their Personal Lives
I'm disappointed. I was so excited I could have cried, although I knew it would be awful, I was hoping to be proven wrong. And in some areas, I suppose I was. Literally standing in the queue for 20 minutes whilst the staff were telling people over and over that certain films were sold out. I believe the words that came out of my mouth were, "If Wall Street is sold out, I am going to punch someone in the face and then kill myself." Thankfully, I didn't have to resort to such extreme measures, but I did have to sit separately from my companions, resulting in me gasping and grabbing hold of the man next to me in excitement when something good or something hilariously terrible happened and then making a mental list of talking points which went as follows:
My favourite things about the film:
My least favourite things about the film:
I did love the way they incorporated Josh Brolin's character into Gordon Gekko's past, giving him motive. I thought it was clever. There was not enough trading, at all. It was more about their private lives, Gordon's reconciliation with his daughter. Shia and Carey's break-up, their crying, their reconciliation. I cringed every time they kissed or hugged or touched. They're together in real life, it shouldn't be that awkward! And I love Shia, I think he's a great actor, and I totally believed him in the role. Although I did keep thinking he was too young to get married, and then, when she revealed that she was pregnant, all I could think was, "You're 12! Ew ew ew ew ew! No! Even Stevens." And when he turned up in London! Oh dear God. It was obvious as soon as Gordon walked into his office in the dark, that Shia would be there waiting, but it was so pathetic. He was just sat there, and turned on the most pathetic lamp ever, in what I'm assuming was meant to be some dramatic reveal. It failed. And then, when he handed Gordon the disk, all I could think was, "If that's a scan of his baby, I'm actually going to throw up." Whatcha know!? So embarrassing. I get that it was meant to be all about Gordon's reform, his changing into a brand new man that can be the badass in the office, but a decent father and grandfather in everyday life, but seriously, it was embarrassing trying to watch it and take it all seriously. He's Gordon Gekko, a villain we actually celebrate! Not some mushy dad. No!
Here's what should have happened. Shia should have worn a suit at all times. He should have done loads of trading. He should have taken Josh Brolin down in a much more dramatic way. Then Michael Douglas should have taken him under his wing and they should have made a super team. And Carey Mulligan should have never been in it. And Charlie Sheen should have been some sort of mentor for Shia. And Frank Langella should never have killed himself at the beginning! What the hell!? It made me jump everytime they showed it. It was so not a 12A. And it was so not as good as the original. But I can't help but kinda love it. In the, 'I love to hate it' sort of way. Obviously...
My favourite things about the film:
- Charlie Sheen - I love Charlie Sheen. I love all the Sheens, even Emilio, and I was so not expecting a cameo! But lo and behold, there he was, with his badly dyed hair, his dodgy fake tan and his drug abused skin. Literally the best thing that could ever happen in any movie is a cameo from Charlie Sheen.
- Shia LaBeouf crying - Adorable. At first... When his mentor died and he cried I was genuinely sad and wanted to hug him, but after the 17th time, I was over it.
- Shia LaBeouf's eyebrows - They are mesmerizing. Next time you watch a Shia LaBeouf film, try not to look at his eyebrows, it's impossible.
- Shia LaBeouf's ringtone - Who even let's their phone ring outloud anymore?! Shia does, and for some reason, they felt it appropriate to make it into some big deal. Whether it was some attempt at comedy, I'm not sure, but if it was, I was left laughing at him, not with him
- "He got beat like a redheaded stepchild!" - Genius.
- Josh Brolin in biking leathers - You get the picture.
My least favourite things about the film:
- Carey Mulligan - I get it. She's meant to be some rising star and oh, she's so talented! And oh, she's so pretty. Wrong. She was pointless. Completely pointless. AND SINCE WHEN DID GORDON GEKKO HAVE A DAUGHTER?! I've been trying to figure out some sort of timeline and I just can't get my head around it. No, no, no, no, no. What kind of person hates their father for being rich? What kind of person has a trust fund of $100million and doesn't want anything to do with it? What kind of person gets her fiance to take back a $400,000 engagement ring? An idiot, that's who.
- The plot - It was dire. I mean, when you hear Wall Street, immediately you have images of Michael Douglas in an excellent suit taking people down. You have images of Charlie Sheen in an excellent suit taking people down. I even had expectations of Shia LaBeouf in an excellent suit TAKING PEOPLE DOWN! No. All I got was some sort of romantic-drama, action nonsense that was reminiscent of that god awful Robert Pattinson movie with that girl from Lost. Slash, the whole pregnancy thing make me want to vom.
- The effects - Due to my education, I am aware of the features of Final Cut Pro, and never, in my life, have I ever witnessed such a blatent use of them. I mean there were the weirdest, cheesiest scene changes ever.
- The science - I wasn't there to take a physics class, I was there, if I have not already mentioned, to watch Michael Douglas and Shia LaBeouf TAKE PEOPLE DOWN. When he kept going on about all that eco friendly energy crap, apart from wanting to kill myself out of boredom, I was baffled by the bizarre decision to include moving diagrams that looked like something from an education video from the 70s you'd get shown at school. Not cool.
- Shia LaBeouf crying - It was cute, then I wanted to hurt him.
- The poor editing - I'm not sure whether it was just the film roll that we saw, but after one scene with Shia wearing a fetching leather jacket, he then appeared, wearing some sort of tweed suit, in a completely different location, throwing his hands in the air, before it quickly and abruptly cut to some ball. It later became apparent that this was the end of a scene with Michael Douglas, that, due to the mix up, ended in the most ridiculous of manners.
- The motorbike bit - I didn't get it. Great Shia can ride a motorbike. Congrats. No relevance at all.
- The end - I don't give a shit about their baby.
I did love the way they incorporated Josh Brolin's character into Gordon Gekko's past, giving him motive. I thought it was clever. There was not enough trading, at all. It was more about their private lives, Gordon's reconciliation with his daughter. Shia and Carey's break-up, their crying, their reconciliation. I cringed every time they kissed or hugged or touched. They're together in real life, it shouldn't be that awkward! And I love Shia, I think he's a great actor, and I totally believed him in the role. Although I did keep thinking he was too young to get married, and then, when she revealed that she was pregnant, all I could think was, "You're 12! Ew ew ew ew ew! No! Even Stevens." And when he turned up in London! Oh dear God. It was obvious as soon as Gordon walked into his office in the dark, that Shia would be there waiting, but it was so pathetic. He was just sat there, and turned on the most pathetic lamp ever, in what I'm assuming was meant to be some dramatic reveal. It failed. And then, when he handed Gordon the disk, all I could think was, "If that's a scan of his baby, I'm actually going to throw up." Whatcha know!? So embarrassing. I get that it was meant to be all about Gordon's reform, his changing into a brand new man that can be the badass in the office, but a decent father and grandfather in everyday life, but seriously, it was embarrassing trying to watch it and take it all seriously. He's Gordon Gekko, a villain we actually celebrate! Not some mushy dad. No!
Here's what should have happened. Shia should have worn a suit at all times. He should have done loads of trading. He should have taken Josh Brolin down in a much more dramatic way. Then Michael Douglas should have taken him under his wing and they should have made a super team. And Carey Mulligan should have never been in it. And Charlie Sheen should have been some sort of mentor for Shia. And Frank Langella should never have killed himself at the beginning! What the hell!? It made me jump everytime they showed it. It was so not a 12A. And it was so not as good as the original. But I can't help but kinda love it. In the, 'I love to hate it' sort of way. Obviously...
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Dear Julian Baker of One Tree Hill Fame...
... If you actually did what we're led to believe you have done, I will be forced to commit a series of very serious crimes for which I will hold you solely accountable.
Love Alice.
Here's the deal. I am beyond bored of the Brooke/Julian (or if you prefer, Brulian) will they, won't they situation. We all know they're going to get back together, and just when I thought it was finally about to happen, Julian 'walks Alex back to her room', only for Brooke to walk into his room and find Alex naked in his bed. What the hell!? Surely he can't have done it, HE CAN'T HAVE DONE! God, this show is going to send me to an early grave. I don't even know why it stresses me out so much, it's not like it's even any good, but I just cannot accept that this has happened. That is why my thoughts are thus: Julian did not sleep with Alex and there appears to have been just some great misunderstanding. She was moaning about how she couldn't sleep in her room because of the patio furniture salesmen who were living it up big time, and so Julian, for the good of the film of course, offered to switch rooms with her or something. Then, Brooke, not knowing this, will be all like, "You know what, Julian, I was just beginning to think I could trust you again, but I guess I was wrong," and storm off, for him to follow her, explain his way out of it and then they'll have some hilariously over the top kiss with Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott singing in the background. Excellent.
This might sound harsh, but are we really meant to care that Hayley's mum (whose name I do not know) is dying. I get that it's a sad situation, but seriously. She literally just turned up and we're meant to feel some sort of connection to her. Slash, when did Hayley have such a big family? I love that they just showed up out of nowhere and we're meant to believe that they've always been super close. Plus, Jamie is not cute enough anymore to make things sad. Sorry, but it's true. I swear they're slipping growth stunting substances into his bacon, ice cream and lard sandwiches.
But my favourite moment of the episode was, of course, when Brooke tried to convince the consierge at the hotel to let her have Julian's key and he was there reading all about their break-up in a celebrity gossip magazine! Lest us forget how famous they all are! And he was all like, "Oh, I'm such a big fan, I'm so glad you two are back together!" And Brooke was all like, "You can't always believe what you read in the papers!" It's so ridiculous! But I freakin' love it! I wonder whe Hayley's next album's out...
Love Alice.
Here's the deal. I am beyond bored of the Brooke/Julian (or if you prefer, Brulian) will they, won't they situation. We all know they're going to get back together, and just when I thought it was finally about to happen, Julian 'walks Alex back to her room', only for Brooke to walk into his room and find Alex naked in his bed. What the hell!? Surely he can't have done it, HE CAN'T HAVE DONE! God, this show is going to send me to an early grave. I don't even know why it stresses me out so much, it's not like it's even any good, but I just cannot accept that this has happened. That is why my thoughts are thus: Julian did not sleep with Alex and there appears to have been just some great misunderstanding. She was moaning about how she couldn't sleep in her room because of the patio furniture salesmen who were living it up big time, and so Julian, for the good of the film of course, offered to switch rooms with her or something. Then, Brooke, not knowing this, will be all like, "You know what, Julian, I was just beginning to think I could trust you again, but I guess I was wrong," and storm off, for him to follow her, explain his way out of it and then they'll have some hilariously over the top kiss with Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott singing in the background. Excellent.
This might sound harsh, but are we really meant to care that Hayley's mum (whose name I do not know) is dying. I get that it's a sad situation, but seriously. She literally just turned up and we're meant to feel some sort of connection to her. Slash, when did Hayley have such a big family? I love that they just showed up out of nowhere and we're meant to believe that they've always been super close. Plus, Jamie is not cute enough anymore to make things sad. Sorry, but it's true. I swear they're slipping growth stunting substances into his bacon, ice cream and lard sandwiches.
But my favourite moment of the episode was, of course, when Brooke tried to convince the consierge at the hotel to let her have Julian's key and he was there reading all about their break-up in a celebrity gossip magazine! Lest us forget how famous they all are! And he was all like, "Oh, I'm such a big fan, I'm so glad you two are back together!" And Brooke was all like, "You can't always believe what you read in the papers!" It's so ridiculous! But I freakin' love it! I wonder whe Hayley's next album's out...
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Cheryl Cole Has Lost Her Mind
Literally gone insane. For one, Cher didn't deserve to get in. I know that Cheryl always had that soft spot for her, but seriously. If it was anyone else, they would never have stood a chance. She didn't even sing the song! She just stood there, being hideously overdramatic, sang about one line and gave up. She gave up! Cheryl even gave her a chance to come back later and she gave up! She's a quitter! OK, so she had tonsilitus, if she had told Cheryl that, and then attempted to sing the song all the way through, then I could understand it. But to give up is not good enough. She's only 16, she can come back next year and be guaranteed a place in the Judge's Houses at least! I'M SO ANGRY! It's ludicrous. Outrage!
And stupid horrible hideous Katie. I loathe everything about her! She is so false it's embarrassing. I seriously though Cheryl would be able to see all that, but alas, it appears malaria messes with your common sense. That fake breakdown was seriously pathetic. And her voice is nothing special. I feel like she's some sort of plant, an actor put there by the producers to try and cause drama. She's awful, just awful.
And what about poor Gamu? She irritated me beyond belief but she can sing. At least Rebecca was the right choice.
JUSTIN BIEBER BOYBAND! Genius. Simon is going to make them so good. I knew they'd get through and I am seriously pleased they did. I was so impressed with them, despite having doubts at first. I know they'll start getting on my nerves as soon as they start trying to take themselves too seriously, and the makeover has not served them well. But I'm sure they'll be great. In fact, Simon made all the right choices. Although, I did like The Reason. But they failed, lets be honest.
Louis stands no chance of even getting an act past the 3rd week. Not one of them is decent. Big Fat Mary will be Mama Morton is Chicago by February, Storm, although having a fantastic voice, is going nowhere with that new red hair, and I can't even remember the other one's name. I know he's 29 and a careworker. Great. I actually feel sorry for Louis, but he didn't even put the girl with the best voice through, so he's made his bed. Idiot. Although I do miss Wagner. What a legend.
Dannii had the hardest decisions. But she made the right choices too. I love Matt with the Hat. He's so adorable and he's got the most amazing voice. He'll do well, he may even win, but if he does he'll never actually make it. It's sad, but true - Steve Brookstein anyone? Tragic really. But at least he's in. Aidan is super cute, but 'feels the music' too much. It's embarrassing. I can't remember the other one, but I remember being pleased so that's good.
I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE WILDCARD! The more I think about it, the less exciting it becomes, but it'll make for good television so I don't care. Next week, all the contestants from Judge's Houses get a lifeline, and are coming back next week so that each judge can choose another finalist for their category! Loves it.
Well done, Simon. You have officially nailed it. PS. Please sort Cheryl out, love from Alice. x
And stupid horrible hideous Katie. I loathe everything about her! She is so false it's embarrassing. I seriously though Cheryl would be able to see all that, but alas, it appears malaria messes with your common sense. That fake breakdown was seriously pathetic. And her voice is nothing special. I feel like she's some sort of plant, an actor put there by the producers to try and cause drama. She's awful, just awful.
And what about poor Gamu? She irritated me beyond belief but she can sing. At least Rebecca was the right choice.
JUSTIN BIEBER BOYBAND! Genius. Simon is going to make them so good. I knew they'd get through and I am seriously pleased they did. I was so impressed with them, despite having doubts at first. I know they'll start getting on my nerves as soon as they start trying to take themselves too seriously, and the makeover has not served them well. But I'm sure they'll be great. In fact, Simon made all the right choices. Although, I did like The Reason. But they failed, lets be honest.
Louis stands no chance of even getting an act past the 3rd week. Not one of them is decent. Big Fat Mary will be Mama Morton is Chicago by February, Storm, although having a fantastic voice, is going nowhere with that new red hair, and I can't even remember the other one's name. I know he's 29 and a careworker. Great. I actually feel sorry for Louis, but he didn't even put the girl with the best voice through, so he's made his bed. Idiot. Although I do miss Wagner. What a legend.
Dannii had the hardest decisions. But she made the right choices too. I love Matt with the Hat. He's so adorable and he's got the most amazing voice. He'll do well, he may even win, but if he does he'll never actually make it. It's sad, but true - Steve Brookstein anyone? Tragic really. But at least he's in. Aidan is super cute, but 'feels the music' too much. It's embarrassing. I can't remember the other one, but I remember being pleased so that's good.
I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE WILDCARD! The more I think about it, the less exciting it becomes, but it'll make for good television so I don't care. Next week, all the contestants from Judge's Houses get a lifeline, and are coming back next week so that each judge can choose another finalist for their category! Loves it.
Well done, Simon. You have officially nailed it. PS. Please sort Cheryl out, love from Alice. x
The Town
I hate myself for the words I am about to type, but Ben Affleck might have finally proven himself to be a good actor. I'm ashamed to admit I even found him attractive for the first time ever. Considering all the other crap he's been in, it wouldn't be hard to beat his past performances (anything with Matt Damon not included), but this film was genuinely good. In fact, I've been thinking about it all day. Unfortunately, this is in part, slash majorly due to the fact that I have written a much better alternate ending. Whilst discussing with a close and very distinguished friend, we have decided that Ben Affleck should be informed that the ending of his movie is, for want of a better word, gay.
The plot of the film is genius, although it was based on a book, so no credit for Affleck there. The direction, the camera work and the performances were all fantastic though, so brava Ben. Even Blake Lively was good! I have made my feelings towards Blake Lively perfectly clear here before, and they have not changed, at all. Her role was completely and utterly pointless. Totally. Fair play to her for fighting her arse off for the part (apparently she got on the train to Boston (shock, horror, gasp!) and managed to convince Ben Affleck that she was actually from Boston and got the role, despite him refusing to even see her for the part) but still, even if they'd given it to a genuine 30 year old crack whore, the role was completely and utterly futile, to the point of frustration. My only explanation for them even putting it into the film in the first place was that, initially, she was in more scenes and they got cut down in editing, probably to make room for the worst ending ever. Yes I get that she is there to help establish Ben Affleck's past, and the relationship between him and Jeremy Renner but still. On reflection, Blake Lively's performance wasn't as good as I thought it was, with her stand out line being, "I'm goin wit choo," in the most unconvincing of accents ever. But she didn't annoy me as much as she does in everyday life so I shall move on...
If all two of you don't want to know the ending, please don't read on because I have every intention of ruining it and ripping it to shreads.
So Ben Affleck is a bank robber of sorts that robs banks for this guy with his mates and they're really good at it. When they rob the first bank, they end up taking Rebecca Hall hostage because she sounds the alarm and they want to scare her into not talking to the FBI because Jon Hamm (FBI agent extraordinaire) has been after them for a while. So after they let her go, Jeremy Renner's all like "we need to watch her", but he's been on a bit of a killing rampage so Ben Affleck decides to keep an eye on her himself, only to fall madly in love with her. At this point she doesn't know it's him that robbed her so it's not that weird. But then they start to get worse at robbing banks and Jon Hamm catches up with them. Ultimately, they get caught, they all get shot, except Ben Affleck who manages to escape, but has to give up on his dream of being with Rebecca Hall. Tragic. He's like the most loveable, adorable bank robber ever. I love films where you route for the criminals! But the ending is just awful.
After declaring all the way through the film that he's never killed anyone, he kills the big boss man and his assistant (which I really didn't want him to do because he really didn't want to do it, but they deserved it). That itself was disappointing. Then he calls Rebecca Hall who has been 'cooperating' with Jon Hamm, and I use that term lightly because once she realises that Ben Affleck is a wanted criminal, she tries to lie to them to protect him. When she receives the call, the FBI are there with her, anticipating it. Ben Affleck can see all of this from his prime observation spot across the street. The FBI are telling her to make him come to the apartment so they can catch him in a pretty pathetic trap. Of course, she doesn't want this to happen, and even though he already knows that he's not going to turn up, as they say their cryptic farewells on the phone, Rebecca Hall manages to sneakily tip him off as to what's going on with a nice smirk. But, as we all know, Jon Hamm is a freakin genius, and so figures it out. Sadly for him, by then, Ben Affleck's already on the train to Florida and there we see him staring over a lake in his new home whilst he provides the voiceover to a rubbish letter he has written for Rebecca Hall. After all the action, it was nothing short of a let down.
This is how it should have gone: He should have called Rebecca Hall as per usual, and whilst she was delivering her cryptic message, her knowing smile should have been the cue for Affleck to smile himself, put down the phone, walk out of shot, and the credits to role, with some sort of action movie score in the background. Think Bourne Ultimatum, I mean, has he learnt nothing from Matt Damon. Much more of a cliffhanger, much more interesting, not so completely dull and pointless it ruins the whole film.
Apart from the worst ever explanation of a film, I think I have provided evidence enough that Ben Affleck should demand for the film to be re-edited and then re-released with the much better ending and then everyone will be happy. The word Oscar might even get thrown around... HA! No, not really, it wasn't that good Ben, but a valiant effort. Congrats.
Slash, just a quick thought on last night's X Factor. If Cher gets through it's a disgrace, she didn't sing, it's not fair, she gave up, she has to deal with it. That Katie girl is so false it makes me want to smash up the TV - IT'S ALL LIES! SHE'S A FAKE! UUURRRGGGHHH! And the Justin Bieber boyband, for whom I predicted great success, proved themselves to be just as fantastic as I thought. They'll get through. I bet Simon's got Bieber himself on speed dial already for the final.
The plot of the film is genius, although it was based on a book, so no credit for Affleck there. The direction, the camera work and the performances were all fantastic though, so brava Ben. Even Blake Lively was good! I have made my feelings towards Blake Lively perfectly clear here before, and they have not changed, at all. Her role was completely and utterly pointless. Totally. Fair play to her for fighting her arse off for the part (apparently she got on the train to Boston (shock, horror, gasp!) and managed to convince Ben Affleck that she was actually from Boston and got the role, despite him refusing to even see her for the part) but still, even if they'd given it to a genuine 30 year old crack whore, the role was completely and utterly futile, to the point of frustration. My only explanation for them even putting it into the film in the first place was that, initially, she was in more scenes and they got cut down in editing, probably to make room for the worst ending ever. Yes I get that she is there to help establish Ben Affleck's past, and the relationship between him and Jeremy Renner but still. On reflection, Blake Lively's performance wasn't as good as I thought it was, with her stand out line being, "I'm goin wit choo," in the most unconvincing of accents ever. But she didn't annoy me as much as she does in everyday life so I shall move on...
If all two of you don't want to know the ending, please don't read on because I have every intention of ruining it and ripping it to shreads.
So Ben Affleck is a bank robber of sorts that robs banks for this guy with his mates and they're really good at it. When they rob the first bank, they end up taking Rebecca Hall hostage because she sounds the alarm and they want to scare her into not talking to the FBI because Jon Hamm (FBI agent extraordinaire) has been after them for a while. So after they let her go, Jeremy Renner's all like "we need to watch her", but he's been on a bit of a killing rampage so Ben Affleck decides to keep an eye on her himself, only to fall madly in love with her. At this point she doesn't know it's him that robbed her so it's not that weird. But then they start to get worse at robbing banks and Jon Hamm catches up with them. Ultimately, they get caught, they all get shot, except Ben Affleck who manages to escape, but has to give up on his dream of being with Rebecca Hall. Tragic. He's like the most loveable, adorable bank robber ever. I love films where you route for the criminals! But the ending is just awful.
After declaring all the way through the film that he's never killed anyone, he kills the big boss man and his assistant (which I really didn't want him to do because he really didn't want to do it, but they deserved it). That itself was disappointing. Then he calls Rebecca Hall who has been 'cooperating' with Jon Hamm, and I use that term lightly because once she realises that Ben Affleck is a wanted criminal, she tries to lie to them to protect him. When she receives the call, the FBI are there with her, anticipating it. Ben Affleck can see all of this from his prime observation spot across the street. The FBI are telling her to make him come to the apartment so they can catch him in a pretty pathetic trap. Of course, she doesn't want this to happen, and even though he already knows that he's not going to turn up, as they say their cryptic farewells on the phone, Rebecca Hall manages to sneakily tip him off as to what's going on with a nice smirk. But, as we all know, Jon Hamm is a freakin genius, and so figures it out. Sadly for him, by then, Ben Affleck's already on the train to Florida and there we see him staring over a lake in his new home whilst he provides the voiceover to a rubbish letter he has written for Rebecca Hall. After all the action, it was nothing short of a let down.
This is how it should have gone: He should have called Rebecca Hall as per usual, and whilst she was delivering her cryptic message, her knowing smile should have been the cue for Affleck to smile himself, put down the phone, walk out of shot, and the credits to role, with some sort of action movie score in the background. Think Bourne Ultimatum, I mean, has he learnt nothing from Matt Damon. Much more of a cliffhanger, much more interesting, not so completely dull and pointless it ruins the whole film.
Apart from the worst ever explanation of a film, I think I have provided evidence enough that Ben Affleck should demand for the film to be re-edited and then re-released with the much better ending and then everyone will be happy. The word Oscar might even get thrown around... HA! No, not really, it wasn't that good Ben, but a valiant effort. Congrats.
Slash, just a quick thought on last night's X Factor. If Cher gets through it's a disgrace, she didn't sing, it's not fair, she gave up, she has to deal with it. That Katie girl is so false it makes me want to smash up the TV - IT'S ALL LIES! SHE'S A FAKE! UUURRRGGGHHH! And the Justin Bieber boyband, for whom I predicted great success, proved themselves to be just as fantastic as I thought. They'll get through. I bet Simon's got Bieber himself on speed dial already for the final.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)