Do you think Bieber got where he is today by walking out on music videos? No. Do you really think Simon Cowell accepts 'making soup' as an excuse for not being on set and costing the record company $50,000? No. Do you really think anyone cares about your 'depression' when Julian was naked in the bath? No.
Can I just say, before I being to rant uncontrollably about all the things wrong with this episode of One Tree Hill and rip it brutally and unforgivingly to shreads, that I have just caught up on Friday's episode of The Mentalist, and Simon Baker crying is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen in my life. I hate Red John. I hate him for what he's done to Simon Baker. Slash, loving the Baker's new suit. Loving the Baker in general. He is amazing. I still didn't guess who did it though; he's so clever! And so pretty.
Anyway, back to the travesty that was One Tree Hill. I'm going to be honest and say that I actually didn't listen to most of what was going on for several reasons including: 'I don't care' and 'This is so boring I want to throw myself out the window'. I think the writers need to realise that whilst Skills and Mouth were good characters in the good old days when the Ravens were all together, now they are so totally irrelevant it hurts. When was the last time Nathan spoke to either of them? Yet, they're meant to be bezzies. Take the hint lads. He's a big NBA star now, he hates you, leave him alone. Also, no one cares about Mouth's new girlfriend, or Skills' ex-girlfriend or whoever she is. She looks an awful lot like the cheerleader that he used to go out with in high school, but she isn't her. No one cares.
Hayley setting fire to her piano was genius. So funny. And when Nathan ran in and was all like, "Hayley, what are you doing, you're going to get burnt!" I think that's the point numbskull. I also love that he managed to put it out with a tea towel. Classic Nathan always saving the day. I'm also really glad he was there to comfort Jamie, because when Hayley told him to go to his room, she may as well have smashed in his skull with a ladle. "You know your mom still loves you, right?" Excellent parenting, Nathan. All she said was 'go to your room'. She barely even raised her voice. Take it down a notch. Slash, as if her music video costs that much to make. As if she is making music videos! Oh wait! Of course! She's a giant great big fat celebrity! The world's favourite pop star! Sorry, I really must keep up... How many times is she going to make soup in an attempt to garner sympathy from the viewer? Must I repeat myself over and over and over... NO ONE CARES!
Erm... No one cares about Miranda and her fake English accent that is actually a real English accent and Grubbs the Jesus wannabe with the dark hair and creepily ginger beard. His song was comedy gold. Repetition is the key to success, he just needed a key change and it would have been an instant smash hit. "If I start to change, you've got to stop me." You're not the Incredible Hulk, you're a bartender who clearly thinks too much of himself and has a hideous beard. Who writes craptacular songs. And is an idiot.
Katie is a psycho. I know she's meant to be, but woah. She's insane. My favourite part of this week's instalment in this never ending and totally pointless saga was the fact that the portrait she bought of Clay in last week's episode was actually completely different this week. I swear on my life, the picture has changed. Why?! Why couldn't it be the same one? And Quinn is becoming a worse and worse actress. I think maybe it's the material she's being given, but please. She is awful. And she is about 56 years younger than her 'baby sister' Hayley.
Brooke is so irritating. I know I was campaigning for Brulian, but now I'm starting to wish he'd ditch her and find someone else. Although, quite frankly, I don't care who he's dating if he's going to be in the bath all the time. Oh, and no one cares about the gay actor either. He is about 2 foot tall, with Justin Timberlake *N Sync hair and the weirdest face I have ever seen on a human. Stop wasting Julian's time! He's got a movie to promote! I love that Brooke was all like, "You need to take it easy, I'm worried about you." Why? He's just finished making a movie, his dream, and now he's lying in a super gay bubble bath. It's not as if he's working 5 jobs, 7 days a week whilst battling some sort of terminal disease after his entire family were killed in a nuclear explosion. Chillax, Brooke. He's fine.
OH MY GOD! I actually almost forgot my favourite part of the whole show. "Hey, TMZ. Yes, this is Brooke Davis. No, actually, the person in the picture is Victoria Davis, my mother. V-I-C-T-O-R-I-A."
Let's just stop and take a second. Are we, the public, meant to actually, genuinely believe that TMZ give a shit about a shitty fashion designer from North Carolina and her mother? TMZ?! Seriously?! I don't even know what to say... I mean... It's ludicrous on so many levels. And who casually calls up TMZ and so easily clarifies such a situation? Who can't spell Victoria? No one. Oh, Mark Schwahn, with your silly name and your delusional mind, how I pity your naivety.
Who else don't I care about...? I don't even care about not caring about anyone else. The Mentalist was so good this week that it has totally taken over my brain and now I shall go and dream sweet dreams of Simon Baker's perfect smile...
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