Gamu Who?

Justin. Bieber. Boyband. I love them. Officially, truly, wholly love them. X Factor last night was the best I have ever seen it, ever. I don't even know why it was so good. It was just amazing! Now, so much happened and there are so many contestants, most of which I cannot remember, that I am going to attempt to comment on each in order.

I couldn't even remember who went first, but I am informed by the trusty X Factor website, that it was F.Y.D: They were OK. I don't really have much to say about them, except that one of them was singing was off. The one who was doing the really high part. Not good. And the one with the earring needs to get over himself ASAP. I like that they can dance though, you can't be in a boyband if you can't dance.

Matt in the Hat: I. love. him. He was amazing. A bit shaky at first, but he got there. He has the most amazing voice! Song was a bit strange, I think they were hoping for some kind of Coldplay vibe, and by the end it was good, but I felt he struggled a bit. Also, I thought that the whole point of the 'makeover' was to alter their image slightly, and in all the promos he is hatless, so I was greatly surprised that the hat returned for the first live show. The same hat, not even a different one, and it totally didn't go!

Careworker, 29: Andy Abraham has returned to X Factor in disguise in an attempt at fame once more. I can't even remember this man's name. Seriously. All, I remember about him is that he is a careworker, and he is 29. He was so forgettable. The only reason I remember him is because he looks like Andy Abraham, and that is not a good thing.

Rebecca Ferguson: She's so nice, she looked so good and she sang it really well. I'm going to throw it out there, she was a tad boring. Don't hate me. But she is. I think she'll go far though, she deserves to.

How boring were the first four?! Maybe it wasn't as good as I thought it was... No way, it was amazing.

Belle Amie: The one that did the rappy part is really good. Very pretty. But the others are so freakin average. They even said it themselves, girl bands never do well, and there is a reason for that. They're never any good. They're never going to win. They'll probably get to about week 4 and then never be seen again.

Right, I have completely and totally forgotten the order, so I'll just slag them off as I remember them.

Storm Lee: Dear Louis Walsh, you are an idiot of the highest order, Love Alice. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Poor, poor, poor Storm Lee. Correct, he is a total moron who genuinely believes himself to be some sort of international rock god, which is so painfully far from the truth. I feel so sorry for him, because he has a great voice, but the silver pants, the red hair, and OH GOD! The make-up! Oh my God. Just awful. And why were all his dancers dressed as He Who Must Not Be Named? My only possible explanation is that the Dark Lord has infiltrated X Factor through his newest Death Eater, Storm Lee. Let's just hope he wins so there's no wizarding war.

Cher Freakin' Lloyd: Has anyone, in the history of the world, ever been so annoying? Her attitude makes me want to beat her face with stones until she pleads for mercy. She was actually very good, but that permanent scowl on her face is just asking for a slap. My favourite fact about Cher Lloyd is that she is a Romany Gypsy. Of course she is! Hilarious. She already thinks she's a megastar, and, unless she wins, which is quite possible, she will realistically, fade into oblivion like all the others. Deal with it bitch.

Oh my God, Diva Fever: Oh no. Just... I... I don't even know what can be said. Just... Why? They're so bad. I mean, Purple Shirt has a nice voice, but Orange Shirt looks like he's just there for a laugh. And what was with the sparkly suits?! It was some sort of hideous 80s nightmare. I genuinely think Orange Shirt was under strict instructions not to sing. He held his mike about 12 metres away from his face and just had the most gormless smile across his face. I don't think he knew what was going on. He was just happy to be there. No chance in hell.

Paije Richardson: "I just can't go back an work in the cinema...! I... I can't sweep popcorn anymore...!" Shut up about the cinema. It's hardly the worst job in the world. Slash, you're 19, quit the cinema and work somewhere else you fool. Last night, he sang alright. Got a bit ahead of himself. What was that jacket!? I believe the words that came out of my friends mouth were: "He looks like a fat Fresh Prince!" Have truer words ever been spoken? No. He genuinely looked as though Will Smith had been squished downwards, so that all his height became fat. Not cool. "I'm so glad everyone loves me!" Erm... what? No, no, no. Don't big yourself up there Jazzy Jeff.

Katie Waissel: I still hate her, and I have a feeling that she will be going home tonight. Mainly because there are some freaks in the world obsessed with Gamu Gamu and they will make sure she goes no matter what. You are not original Katie, you were singing Queen in a weird outfit. Wow, how unique and kooky. Oh, wait. Idiot. She is way way way too over- confident and she shouldn't be. The fact that the judges have to try and overcompensate on their criticism by going on about how nice she is proves that actually, she's a bitch and she's not good. No one cares if she's nice anyway. You can be as nice as you want, but if there is a better singer/performer, you're going home, Helmet Head. Fact.

Mary 'Big Fat Mary' Byrne: Bless her. As I said last week, she'll be in Chicago in a few weeks. She can sing, in fact, she's amazing, but no. She's not going to win. She's not going to get close. I'm pleased she got such a good reception, although, after about 10 minutes of screaming, I was beyond bored. Jog on, we get it, you're big and fat and old and really really talented, but so was Brenda from a few seasons ago. Come to think of it, I'm almost certain she went into Chicago. Maybe Simon has some sort of contract with the theatre and has to provide at least one West End star per series. Lucie Jones anyone? God, I hated her too.

Nicolo Festa: I love him. He's comedy gold. Why would you ever get him singing Lady Gaga. No one can sing Lady Gaga, not even Lady Gaga. It was awful. And the styling? It was like some sort of hideous joke. So tacky. But the thing is, he's so pretty, and in his VTs he looks so good. I think Dannii's trying to make him more 'different' than he really is. He's just a cocky gay Italian with an odd, but good, voice. There was too much going on. And his hair looked like crap. Not cool Danni, not cool.

Justin Bieber Boyband: OH MY GOD! I am beyond obsessed. They are so freakin' unbelievable. Curly Bieber is my favourite, although, I still have a soft spot for Original Bieber. And I loved it when Simon was like, "When things started to go wrong at the end, Liam came and sorted it out." Bless him! I love him. They were genuinely good though. I became hysterical. They have the Bieber Fever effect. When it was mentioned that we should go to the X Factor tour and see them, I literally became some sort of 12 year old mess. Never in my life would I ever have considered even thinking about going to the X Factor tour, but I am so there this year. But they've got such good voices and they're so pretty!
So, just so we've got this straight, there is Original Bieber (Liam Payne), Curly Bieber (Harry from Cheshire), Asian Bieber (Zain 'I'm too cool to dance' Malik), Other Bieber (The other one with dark hair) and Louis Walsh's Son/Kian from Westlife (Niall from Ireland). They could be the Justin Bieber version of the Spice Girls.
I LOVE THEM! I knew they'd be a success... Just saying...

Wagner: Why? Why? Why? He's like the Indian Chief version of Chico. She Bangs by Ricky Martin? Seriously? Oh my God it was so hilarious. When they brought the bongos out! Oh my God! He didn't even play them in time or anything! And what was with his hoop earrings? And his half pony? With a velvet jacket? Words fail me.

Aiden Grimshaw: He is beyond adorable. I cringed slightly when he started to really 'feel the music' which I hate hate hate beyond belief. But his voice is amazing. He's such a popstar. He'll do well. Although, if he doesn't I think Andrew Lloyd Webber might cast him in Phantom.

Treyc Cohen: "Best vocal performance of the night." Sorry, what Simon? No, no, no. You must have still been thinking about One Direction. Treyc can't even spell her own name right. No, no, no. She's alright. But no. Slash, her arse is quite possibly the largest thing I have ever witnessed in all of time. That dress was not flattering at all. Although, I'm not sure any item of clothing will flatter that. No.

I literally can't wait another week. And what makes it worse is that I'm not even going to be able to watch it live on Saturday! I might ring Brandon Flowers and ask him to move his concert. He's American, I get it, he probably didn't realise X Factor was on, but I'm sure, once he finds out, he'll move the concert ASAP. I mean, he won't want to miss it either.

My predictions for the double elimination tonight are thus: Katie Waissel and, with any luck, Careworker, 29.