The Only Way Is Essex

For some reason I actually watched this show, and instead of writing about it straight away, I felt the need to sleep on it and decide whether it was worth actually commenting on. It is. But for nothing positive.

I assumed that it would be a full on reality show, in the same vein as The Hills, you know, a bit of scripting there, a bit of plotting there, but it turns out that the show is, or at least appears to be, completely acted. It's like they're trying to act out The Hills, but in Essex. I even thought maybe it would be like Living on The Edge, which I loved, but alas, it's more like Dream Team. (Remember Dream Team? It was my favourite show ever.) And now, because of this awful acting as though they're not acting, it makes the things they say even stupider. Like, genuinely idiotic. And it's not even funny. And I swear I recognise half the cast.

Can you sense my confusion?

I refuse to learn their names on sheer principal, so bear with me as I try and describe my favourite moments from the worst show I've ever seen in my whole entire life.

1. Vajazzling - Now, I think it's quite normal that I had never heard of this before, yet, when someone on the show questioned the process, they looked at them as if they needed shooting. I'm pretty sure that ITV are trying to trick people into thinking this is popular in Essex, when actually, it's not. If you, like me have never heard of Vajazzling, let me explain, using the words of the cast. "You have to wax your, erm... bikini area, into like a heart or somefink and den, obviously, you put loads of diamantes raaaaaand it." My favourite part of this sentence, apart from the fact that it sounds completely awful, is the use of the word 'obviously'. OBVIOUSLY?! How, in anybody's mind, would the next step OBVIOUSLY be diamanted minge? Seriously. I physically abhor them all. With every ounce of myself. Slash, one of them had someone's name tattooed on their bits too... I think it was Mark's name. Classy.
2. Mark - OK, I remembered his name, but I get the sense that he is meant to be the main character of sorts. He even looks pretty when he shuts up and ditches the leather sleeved blazer. But, oh my God, could he be any worse an actor? It's just cringeworthy. I think he thinks he's the Essex version of Stephen Beard from Living on the Edge; properly up himself. But then I remember that actually, this show is nothing like Living on the Edge, because whilst they were fed scenarios and possible phrases, this whole thing has been written like a soap. So 'Mark' is probably really Thomas from Manchester, recently married, trying one last time to fulfil his dream of becoming a star. It just doesn't work! Slash, could he flirt any more with his 'sister'? Ew. Not cool. And when he went to that shop, that looked like someone's basement, to look for a casual watch! He spent ages there looking at them all, then bought a £3,000 Rolex that he's wanted for ages. That doesn't make sense. He didn't know what he wanted when he entered the shop. These people blatently don't have the kind of money they're throwing around either. It's just embarrassing.
3. The one that used to go out with Mark - She is beyond hideous. If you insist on wearing a dress that small with a body that size you deserve everything that gets thrown at you, whether that be insults or bottles. Slash, why not actually buy a dress in the right size instead of pouring yourself into something that makes you look like some sort of space sausage. Idiot. And even though I couldn't give a shit about their relationship, when Mark sat her down at the end and said, "We either get back together properly or not at all. And properly means, I'm going to propose and everything," but in an even less romantic way that made it sound more like a threat, she was all like, "Nah, you and your ickle friend can do what you want. I need to break apart from ya." Hilarious. She spent the whole episode moaning about wanting him back and then turned him down. Ridiculous.

I think they were the only highlights. It was just an awful attempt at a show. I swear half the cast are from Family Affairs or something equally as abysmal. And I loved that every now and then, they'd bring in a mother or granny to talk to. I mean, that's just taking it too far. As if they are their real relatives. Nanny Pat came to do Mark's ironing. Why? Why do I want to see that? I don't, and that is why, despite the fact that ITV2 are showing new episodes twice a week, I will never ever watch it again.