Dear Ofcom...

No. No. No.
X Factor, what are you trying to do to me? Why are you trying to ruin my life? Why, after all I have given to you, do you insist on ruining all my hopes and dreams? No! If I wasn't so lazy and worried about my phone bill, Ofcom would have not been able to get rid of me tonight. It's an outrage! I am now in the most hideous of rages.

I freakin LOVED Nicolo! He was so pretty! So pretty! I just can't believe that bastard Wagner is in after singing Ricky bastard Martin, and Nicolo has been sent home! And Diva fucking Fever! Who is voting for them!? Who!? Idiots, that's clearly who. And even though F.Y.D. were average, Katie 'look how edgy I am' Waissel should totally have gone. She'll be in the bottom two every week, guaranteed. People just don't like her. Fair play to her, she sang well, really really well, but you can't get away with being as fake as Lindsay Lohan's hair extensions for long. Nah, not having it. But Nicolo! Oh, Nicolo! Poor adorable Nicolo! I now see why they brough Usher in, just to calm the nation with excellence before they ruined innocent British lives. Usher, of course, was amazing, but the best part was after he sang, and Dermot went, "But you discovered Justin Bieber, so you know all about finding young talent." Bieber solves everything

Can I just say that I have never been so repulsed by a person in my life than I was tonight by Joe McElderry. Ew. He's so gross. Since when did he sing like a woman? That song, that Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat themed lighting, the choreograhpy. I mean, the boy cannot, repeat, CANNOT dance. He has little to no rhythm. None whatsoever. And what was with the Zac Efron intense stare at the end? It lasted about 12 minutes! There is a reason Zac Efron does it, and it does not work for little gayboys from South Shields. No, Joe. No. I'm sure he's a lovely person, but honestly, the way he talks, the way he moves, he reminds me of some sort of hardcore Christian that knocks on people's doors asking if they have the Lord in their hearts. Well, Joe, I've got the Dark Lord in mine, and I am not having you or your awful song. Deal with it.

I don't think I have ever been so enraged at X Factor. SO enraged was I that I actually turned on the Xtra Factor to see poor poor Nicolo's reaction, but it just made me more angry. If there was an award for the worst TV presenter of all time, it would go to Konnie Huq. Oh. My. God. Just awful. She is painful! It's almost impossible to watch. For one, the show is not at all funny and makes a mockery of the serious, hard-hitting substance of the main show. Secondly, she lacks any comic timing and is so inappropriate with the guests it makes my stomach lurch. When she told Usher he was a sex god, and then preceeded to say, "Babes, it's nice to get all hot and sweaty," I actually thought I was going to throw up. I almost died for Usher. He's so freakin' cool and she is so embarrassing. I think he felt sorry for her, because I would have walked out of that interview. And Hayden Panettiere! Note the 'I' in Panettiere, Konnie. "Hayden Panaterre!" No! How awkward! And the people who do the graphics that show the names of the guests! How hard is it to go on imdb and copy and paste it into whatever program they use. I think they actually spelt it 'Panetirere'. How does that even resemble anything close to the poor girl's actual name? And then she goes, "But now, it's time for a break," only for the camera to stay on her and some poor producer to shout down her ear that actually they're not cutting to break for another 7 minutes. "Actually, no we're not going to break, it's time for S.O.S. No, not that kind of S.O.S, Simon on Sinitta." Actually, Konnie, the segment is called 'Sinitta on Simon'. Learn the script. I think I could present that show better than she does. It just goes to show, it all goes down hill after Blue Peter...