Wall Street 2: Money Sleeps Quite Frequently When You Keep Going On About Their Personal Lives

I'm disappointed. I was so excited I could have cried, although I knew it would be awful, I was hoping to be proven wrong. And in some areas, I suppose I was. Literally standing in the queue for 20 minutes whilst the staff were telling people over and over that certain films were sold out. I believe the words that came out of my mouth were, "If Wall Street is sold out, I am going to punch someone in the face and then kill myself." Thankfully, I didn't have to resort to such extreme measures, but I did have to sit separately from my companions, resulting in me gasping and grabbing hold of the man next to me in excitement when something good or something hilariously terrible happened and then making a mental list of talking points which went as follows:

My favourite things about the film:

1.  Charlie Sheen - I love Charlie Sheen. I love all the Sheens, even Emilio, and I was so not expecting a cameo! But lo and behold, there he was, with his badly dyed hair, his dodgy fake tan and his drug abused skin. Literally the best thing that could ever happen in any movie is a cameo from Charlie Sheen.
2. Shia LaBeouf crying - Adorable. At first... When his mentor died and he cried I was genuinely sad and wanted to hug him, but after the 17th time, I was over it.
3. Shia LaBeouf's eyebrows - They are mesmerizing. Next time you watch a Shia LaBeouf film, try not to look at his eyebrows, it's impossible.
4. Shia LaBeouf's ringtone - Who even let's their phone ring outloud anymore?! Shia does, and for some reason, they felt it appropriate to make it into some big deal. Whether it was some attempt at comedy, I'm not sure, but if it was, I was left laughing at him, not with him
5. "He got beat like a redheaded stepchild!" - Genius.
6. Josh Brolin in biking leathers - You get the picture.

My least favourite things about the film:

1. Carey Mulligan - I get it. She's meant to be some rising star and oh, she's so talented! And oh, she's so pretty. Wrong. She was pointless. Completely pointless. AND SINCE WHEN DID GORDON GEKKO HAVE A DAUGHTER?! I've been trying to figure out some sort of timeline and I just can't get my head around it. No, no, no, no, no. What kind of person hates their father for being rich? What kind of person has a trust fund of $100million and doesn't want anything to do with it? What kind of person gets her fiance to take back a $400,000 engagement ring? An idiot, that's who.
2. The plot - It was dire. I mean, when you hear Wall Street, immediately you have images of Michael Douglas in an excellent suit taking people down. You have images of Charlie Sheen in an excellent suit taking people down. I even had expectations of Shia LaBeouf in an excellent suit TAKING PEOPLE DOWN! No. All I got was some sort of romantic-drama, action nonsense that was reminiscent of that god awful Robert Pattinson movie with that girl from Lost. Slash, the whole pregnancy thing make me want to vom.
3. The effects - Due to my education, I am aware of the features of Final Cut Pro, and never, in my life, have I ever witnessed such a blatent use of them. I mean there were the weirdest, cheesiest scene changes ever.
4. The science - I wasn't there to take a physics class, I was there, if I have not already mentioned, to watch Michael Douglas and Shia LaBeouf TAKE PEOPLE DOWN. When he kept going on about all that eco friendly energy crap, apart from wanting to kill myself out of boredom, I was baffled by the bizarre decision to include moving diagrams that looked like something from an education video from the 70s you'd get shown at school. Not cool.
5. Shia LaBeouf crying - It was cute, then I wanted to hurt him.
6. The poor editing - I'm not sure whether it was just the film roll that we saw, but after one scene with Shia wearing a fetching leather jacket, he then appeared, wearing some sort of tweed suit, in a completely different location, throwing his hands in the air, before it quickly and abruptly cut to some ball. It later became apparent that this was the end of a scene with Michael Douglas, that, due to the mix up, ended in the most ridiculous of manners.
7. The motorbike bit - I didn't get it. Great Shia can ride a motorbike. Congrats. No relevance at all.
8. The end - I don't give a shit about their baby.

I did love the way they incorporated Josh Brolin's character into Gordon Gekko's past, giving him motive. I thought it was clever. There was not enough trading, at all. It was more about their private lives, Gordon's reconciliation with his daughter. Shia and Carey's break-up, their crying, their reconciliation. I cringed every time they kissed or hugged or touched. They're together in real life, it shouldn't be that awkward! And I love Shia, I think he's a great actor, and I totally believed him in the role. Although I did keep thinking he was too young to get married, and then, when she revealed that she was pregnant, all I could think was, "You're 12! Ew ew ew ew ew! No! Even Stevens." And when he turned up in London! Oh dear God. It was obvious as soon as Gordon walked into his office in the dark, that Shia would be there waiting, but it was so pathetic. He was just sat there, and turned on the most pathetic lamp ever, in what I'm assuming was meant to be some dramatic reveal. It failed. And then, when he handed Gordon the disk, all I could think was, "If that's a scan of his baby, I'm actually going to throw up." Whatcha know!? So embarrassing. I get that it was meant to be all about Gordon's reform, his changing into a brand new man that can be the badass in the office, but a decent father and grandfather in everyday life, but seriously, it was embarrassing trying to watch it and take it all seriously. He's Gordon Gekko, a villain we actually celebrate! Not some mushy dad. No!

Here's what should have happened. Shia should have worn a suit at all times. He should have done loads of trading. He should have taken Josh Brolin down in a much more dramatic way. Then Michael Douglas should have taken him under his wing and they should have made a super team. And Carey Mulligan should have never been in it. And Charlie Sheen should have been some sort of mentor for Shia. And Frank Langella should never have killed himself at the beginning! What the hell!? It made me jump everytime they showed it. It was so not a 12A. And it was so not as good as the original. But I can't help but kinda love it. In the, 'I love to hate it' sort of way. Obviously...