Original Man of Mayhem

DISCLAIMER: Do you want to know what's tragic? I wrote about 1000 words on the how this night has changed my life, how one 16 year old has influenced my soul, and shaped the person I'm going to be. Then, I somehow managed to delete the whole fucking thing. So now, if the following sounds as though my passion for Bieber is dying, don't believe it. It'll just be the self loathing seeping from my words, tainting my love as I attempt to remember the genius I created before.

Only one man, sorry, child can get away with declaring himself the Original Man of Mayhem and that man, sorry, child, goes by the name of Justin Drew Bieber.

If I told you that all my dreams came true tonight, would you judge me? I judge myself, I don't know what I'm talking about. It was just incredible.

I don't even know where to begin. Genuinely, I don't. The boy is a God, a hero, a genius. I mean, I hate to blow my own trumpet, but not only did I predict a Bieber appearance, but I did say that he'd sing a medley of his hits...

I'm just about calming down as I write this, mainly after I was brought smack down to earth by being a technological retard, but I'm still hyped. In a serious, medically concerning sort of way. I cannot even begin to attempt to explain the hysteria that filled every inch of my flat tonight. If I tried, I would fail. There was physical shaking, screaming, arm flapping, jumpers being taken off due to an overwhelming increase in body temperature, fits of giggles, tears of sheer joy, hyperventilating. That sort of thing. By hysteria, I mean hysteria. It's even harder trying to explain it now after having written it once so eloquently. You know, I was right in that head space and now I'm so full of rage with my computer that I can barely string a sentence together, let alone one about the hero that is J. D. Bieber.

So after last time going on about how this is becoming an X Factor blog, it would now appear I have created some sort of Justin Bieber fansite. A shrine to Bieber for the over 5s. I feel like one of those morons who are obsessed with Twilight and write fan-fiction about Cedric Diggory pretending he's a vampire and falling in love with them. I promise it will stop soon. Just not tonight.

As soon as he came on I knew he was going to sing Somebody to Love. I knew it. I could sense it. I just... I just... Oh, Bieber. Words fail me, and for once, in a good way. What makes it all even better is that I've just remembered that The Wanted were on before. I had genuinely forgotten they'd even shown up. There was no need for them. Bieber blew them out of the water. Failures.

I believe that the first thing I ever posted on here was a description of Justin's performance on the VMAs. What was so great about tonight, was that it was almost identical. Let's not mention my failure to procure tickets to his tour...

Here is a list of reasons I loved Justin Bieber's performance so much tonight:

1. The fact that he sang Somebody to Love, my personal favourite.
2. The dance break. God, I love me a dance break. And so seamlessly into Baby.
3. The sick dance moves in general. That kid can throw some serious shapes.
4. He did my favourite dance. Twice.
5. He mimed his way through the entire performance. Not only did he mime, but he did it so unashamedly.
6. The fact that his excuse for lip syncing was that his vocal coach told him that if he sang live it would damage his voice forever.
7. That jacket. 'J. Bieber: Original Man of Mayhem'. Genius.

And after the greatest performance of all time came the greatest interview of all time. You forget that, because he's the coolest most bad-ass human to ever walk the earth, he's actually 8 and never finished school. So when he talks, it's slightly disappointing. Nevertheless, he completely bypassed all of Dermot's questions just to start chatting up Cheryl Cole. Wow. I mean, the wave, the wink, the internationally recognised sign for 'call me'. We all know she ran straight back stage to get his number. And who can blame her? He's a genuine God amongst men. I wonder if the Jews know that the messiah has arrived, and he hails from Stratford, Ontario? 

Oh yeah. In the midst of all the Bieber Fever, I found myself forgetting, slash, completely not caring, that it was the results show and that Katie and Wagner went. Big deal. Everyone knew they would. Although I was scared for One Direction at one point. Who leaves them to the end? That's just toying with people's emotions. Highly unnecessary.

Before I forget, I've checked Bieber's schedule and he's available on Decemeber 11th, the date of the X Factor final. I'm not suggesting anything, but coincidence? I think not...

Slash, it would appear that Nicole Scherzinger has been possessed by the spirit of Michael Jackson. We know how you speak! Who are you trying to kid? That weird, spaced out, high pitched nonsense? Not having it love. 

Anyway, onto the important stuff. In what world is it just that Konnie Huq gets to meet Justin Bieber and I don't? I bet he's the cockiest little bastard ever, and for that I love him more. I bet he was all like, "One what? One Direction? Nah, mate, I'm off to the bar." See, I'm so much more deserving than she is. I genuinely don't think she could have been more patronising if she tried. I can't remember much of what he said, mainly because the majority of what comes out of his mouth doesn't actually make sense, what with him being an undereducated youth and all, but whilst academically challenged, that boy is wise beyond his 7 years.

Konnie: "Do you have any advice for the contestants on how to deal with the fame and the pressure?"

Justin Drew Bieber: "Errrrrr... Yeah... You know... Just. Errrrr... Just remember where you came from, and you know... You... You gotta put God first, you know..."

Preach it, JB! So deep, so wise. There's something so normal and comforting about a 5 year old international sensation preaching the word of the Lord. Excellent. I know that that advice is sticking with me for the rest of time. Always put God first. I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

But don't interrupt him whilst he's eating. Just don't. I think it might actually be in the Bible. Let me check... Ah yes: Thou must not disturb Bieber at the table. It's the secret 11th commandment.

I'm also pretty sure Konnie managed to make some sort of comment about schizophrenia in regards to Katie whilst in conversation with Dr Karl Kennedy and The Hoff which I couldn't let slide.

But now, I'm actually sitting, waiting with bated breath for the first picture of One Direction with Justin Bieber to come out. I have to see it with my own eyes. It will be printed off and framed immediately. I need it.

Oh, Simon. How well you have done. The whole show was dominated by a single child from the depths of Canada. No one even cared about the elimination! Loves it! Everyone's just slagging off Bieber on Twitter. Excellent.

I leave you with a link to the greatest performance of all time. Maybe the second greatest, I mean, there's no drum solo in this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEXAXsroBgE 

X Factor Blog

Whilst I am aware that this is rapidly deteriorating into some sort of pathetic X Factor blog, until it ends, and they put something else decent on the television, I feel there is no end in sight for my hideously uninteresting ramblings about everyone's favourite reality show. Slash, I just want to turn my attention to the real X Factor blog...

xfactorblog.co.uk is quite possibly the least reliable website in the history of the internet. I'm more likely to trust spam email from the King of Nigeria than I am to trust the X Factor blog. It is always wrong. ALWAYS. And whilst I understand that there will be numerous sources involved in getting track information midweek and that acts always switch songs at the last minute, I hate, no, I abhor the fact that it gets my hopes up every week, only to send me into a never ending spiral of despair, ruining the overall X Factor experience.

First it told me that One Direction would be singing Justin Bieber. Now, I should have known it was going to be too good to be true, but still, when an idea that genius is put into your head, it's hard to shake, slash, my logic was that it was about bloody time. But of course, when they came out and sand Pink, I almost threw myself out my window. For one, that's not even a guilty pleasure, just a boring song. But the worst thing that X Factor blog have ever done to me happened yesterday...

I got in from having dinner with a friend to a stampede of flatmates running towards me filled with excitement. "I have the best news ever," my friend said. "Justin Bieber?" I enquired. "Better," she replied. What could be better than Bieber, I thought. "One Direction are going to sing The Killers on rock week!" OH. MY. GOD! I was hysterical. To the point of jumping up and down, whilst screaming. Of course, there was arm flapping, spinning, a general loss of control of my body, the norm. And so, for 24 hours, I managed to build and build my hopes of Justin Bieber Boyband singing Somebody Told Me, to the point where I was giggling secretly to myself in delight. Of course, when I checked X Factor blog today, I was sadly informed that they were not in fact singing The Killers, but Bryan Adams. Hmmmm... Now, I love Summer of '69, and they nailed it. Obviously. But, honestly, I was beside myself with disappointment. Just despairing of all that is good in the world. Slash, whilst they were good, I'm going to throw it out there and suggest they weren't as good as usual.        

Of course, I still love them. And even though in the second song, only 3 of them sang, they were amazing. And when Simon was all like, "Oh, I'm so proud of you. Especially you Zain 'I'm too cool to dance' Malik, because I remember how embarrassed you were at boot camp and now look at you! And Harry 'from Cheshire' Styles, you chose the song and aren't you all great!" Could their faces have been any cuter from sheer joy?! Well, they're all Biebers, so of course they're cute. Slash, when Asian Bieber was all like, "I just love it so much and to come out here every week with my 5 best friends is just the best," I realised, that whilst he is so painfully beautiful it is actually ludicrous, he's only about 6 and probably didn't even finish learning how to count before being thrust into the lime light. Bless.

Erm... Katie was abysmal. ABYSMAL! I mean, the whole evening was a travesty. Cheryl, for once in her post-Ashley life, actually looked normal, but was she high or something? I mean, she was one step away from jazz hands. "My cute tootey, Cher!" What?! They are the actual words you are choosing to say? Seriously? Sure you don't want to think about it, before you not only embarrass your act, but yourself as well? Cher was awful. Avril Lavigne does not count as rock, and her little Lil Mama rap was not English. I swear she was just saying random words. "B, R, O, O, M...." Riiiiiiggggghhtttt... Didn't realise the song was about sweeping, but whatever.

Matt nailed the second song, Rebecca was quite boring in both, but better than last week, Big Fat Mary needs to go. You know what they should have done? They should have just made it U2 week, most of them sang their songs anyway. Oh, Christ! When Louis was going on about how proud Bono would be of them all. Jesus. I'm pretty sure Bono is drawing up a contract right now to ensure that his songs can never ever be used  on the X Factor ever again. Just awful.

I'm going to suggest that whilst Thom Yorke would not think it was a great performance, no matter what Louis says, that it was actually Wagner's best attempt to date. I actually loved that Louis got the words completely wrong and was like, "It's winner, Simon, it says winner in the song." Erm... Pretty sure that's 'weirdo' Louis, but whatever you like to tell yourself to attempt to corner the guilt for putting Wagner into your final 4 when poor little Aiden Grimshaw gets sent home. Bastard.

Konnie Huq is still awful. Dermot is a hero. N Dubz are the biggest cringefest ever. Danny Dyer is the biggest knob ever, but hilarious. And he loves One Direction so that's fine. He gave his daughter his own name, so I'm not entirely certain as to how sound his judgement is. James Corden loves One Direction. Ron freakin Weasley loves One Direction. And that is all I learnt from this instalment of the Xtra Factor.

I don't think I could be more excited about Justin Bieber being on the results show tomorrow. The word on the grapevine is that he's either singing U Smile or Baby. I'm personally routing for a nice little medley a la the VMAs, the performance that sees us in the position we stand today. Good news is, it's probably quite reliable information, I didn't get it from the X Factor blog...

JUSTIN FREAKIN' BIEBER

My life is now complete.

Mr Justin Drew Bieber will be sharing the stage with his 5 doppelgangers; Original, Curly, Asian, Other and Louis Walsh's Son/Kian from Westlife. Did you ever believe this day would come?! I mean, I knew Simon would nail it, but after they failed to sing Bieber in guilty pleasures week, I began to slowly lose hope/the will to live.

The revelation came much like this:
Dermot: "Next week, we have some very special guests..."
Us: "I wonder who it will be!"
Dermot: "The Wanted will be here!"
Me: "I fucking hate The Wanted, great. I can't believe they're on, they're rubbish, I'm so angry."
Dermot: "Teen sensation, Justin Bieber will be right here on this stage..."
Us: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! BIEBER! BIEBER!"
Me: "I HAVE TO CALL EVERYONE I KNOW!"
Unidentified female flatmate: "NO WAY!"
Unidentified male flatemate: "MY LIFE IS COMPLETE"
Us: "MINE TOO!"

20 minutes later...

Us: "JUSTIN BIEBER!"

The hysteria has just about died down. Just. Not only is it the fact that Justin Drew Bieber is a gangsta, it's the fact that the Justin Bieber Boyband will meet Justin Bieber. There will be photographic evidence of all the Biebers all together. I seriously don't think I can handle that much Bieber. It's too much! Way too much!

I mean, it's obvious now what's going to happen isn't it? When Justin Bieber Boyband get into the final, you know exactly who Simon will be on the phone to. YES, YES, YES! The plan has fallen so perfectly into place, I'm actually quite scared as to how accurate I have been about this whole situation. Maybe Simon can sense my vibes. Or maybe the combination of Harry Styles and Justin Bieber is sending me straight to a mental institution. Who knows?

I suppose we best mention poor Tragay Pajay. Let's be honest, he was never going to win. I loved that Cher was in the bottom two though. She needed that knock. Slap that gypsy snarl off her fluorescent skin. How, in the name of all that is holy and good, can Wagner still be in the competition? Oh wait, I know, Cheryl was a proper bitch to him and the public did it to piss her off. GOOD! I was genuinely shocked and appalled at her comments. "I believe you've been saying stuff about me in the press, that I come from a council estate..." Firstly, Cheryl, that's true my love. And secondly, the poor man can barely speak the Queen's English. Most of the time he has no idea what the hell is going on, he just stands there with a stupid smile on his face and his dangly earrings resting on his chest. Majorly unprofessional, majorly inappropriate, and you therefore earned yourself Cher in the bottom two. Deal with it. The worst thing about it was that she didn't even apologise. Every other sentence out of that woman's mouth is, "Don't believe everything you read in the press," and there she is publicly humiliating poor old innocent Indian Chief Wagner. Not cool, Cheryl. Not cool. Maybe if you sorted your outfits out he'd be a bit nicer next time an undercover reporter is misquoting him.

Erm... Katie's hair. Words fail me. She actually sang really well. Horrible arrangement. But really well. I was far from impressed when she made it through though. But realistically, we all know who's going to win, so who cares any more? If I hear any more Emma Watson comparisons I'm going to lose my mind. I can't stand either of them, putting them in the same sentence is just infuriating.

Obv, One Direction nailed it. Not as good as Elton John week, but they still nailed it. Perfectly. Rebecca was a let down, in terms of outfit and performance. I do feel sorry for her though, all the hopes and dreams of Liverpool were pinned onto the poor girl. Slash, I thought she'd nail it. Nail it for scousers everywhere. Tragic.

Can I quickly just say that Steven Gerrard is not only a local hero, but a genuine hero of our times. What a legend. "Ahhhh, maayyyttteee, meeee kids are, lyyyyke, roooooouuutin' for uuuuuse lot, bu' I lyyyyke Rebecccccca, uuuuuuse know, cozzzz, weeeeze bot' from Liverrpoooool." I LOVE HIM! Shaking hands with One Direction, AMAZING!

Justin Bieber.

What else... Oh, I loved it on ITV2 when they were showing how all the contestants get ready for the show and Dermot was like, "I usually listen to a Killers song." Hero. Genuine hero. He knows what's right. Such a shame Konnie Huq does not.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

OH. MY. GOD.

I love Harry Potter. I always have. Yet, I have always taken great issue with the films. Normally, I would list a number of reasons as to why I hate something, but for this, it has always been simple: they don't follow the books. At all. I mean, I think for the Half Blood Prince, they just made up their own story as they went along. I failed to see any resemblance to the book, which coincidentally is my favourite out of the lot of them. Snape is my hero.

But this one was amazing.

The most tragic thing about the films is that because they had to cast the actors at such a young age, they had no idea that Daniel Radcliffe wouldn't grow past 4 foot 3 and that he would gradually become uglier and uglier until looking at his face became too painful for the human eye, they didn't know Rupert Grint would end up struggling with his weight, they didn't know Emma Watson was going to act the rest of the films using only her eyebrows and become the abomination to acting that she is today. And so, I let them off. I say this as I am currently watching the Philosopher's Stone and although I spent the majority of my childhood filled with a constant rage that boiled inside of me every waking second of the day due to my hatred for the principal cast, I now find myself more irritated by them now than I find them in the earlier films. The Deathly Hallows in particular requires actual emotion to be portrayed, and although they did a semi-decent job, it bewilders me that for the most iconic characters of our generation, the worst actors are playing them. But let's move onto the actual film.

At this stage, I would usually issue some sort of spoiler warning, but even if you haven't seen the film yet, you should know what happens. If you don't, that means that you have never read the book, and therefore I banish you from ever reading this blog again, ever. You disgust me.

My expectations were so low after the destruction of my favourite book that I had prepared myself for the worst. Of course, this didn't stop me getting so over excited that I booked my tickets 4 weeks in advance, picked them up a week early to avoid the queues and then proceed, on the day of its release, to spend hours drawing the Dark Mark on my arm, crafting a Slytherin badge and casting spells on those I saw unfit using my replica Snape wand. That's right, I'm team Voldemort. Actually, I'm more Team Lucius Malfoy, but his team is Voldemort so I follow along.

As the music started, there were squeals all round from my Harry Potter loving companions, but sadly, the classic 'Do do do do do doo doooooo do, do do do do, do dooooooo' lasted all of about 0.53 seconds. First disappointment. But I didn't care. I knew that after waiting a considerable number of years, I'd get to see Malfoy Manor, and that scene was amazing. I am having difficulty trying to understand why The Dark Lord has started speaking in such a calm civilised manner. Not as scary as he used to be... I mean, when he's on the back of Quirrell's head in the first one. Oh my God, that still fills me with terror. But still, amazing. And Lucius Malfoy was amazing. I know Azkaban was meant to fuck him up, but wow. Loved it. What a hero.

It really didn't feel like two and a half hours. It zoomed by. I think it was because I knew where they were going to end it, and so the further they got through the book, the sooner I knew the end was coming and that I would have to wait a ludicrous amount of time before I would get any sort of closure. They say it's to cause excitement, I think it's going to land me in therapy, but whatever.

I don't really know what to say, other than it was really well done. For once. I loved Rhys Ifans, I loved Bill Nighy, I loved Bill Weasley (I did not love the fact that they had to quickly drop in that he had his face ripped off by a werewolf because they were too stupid to put it in the last film), I loved Snape. I loved it all. I loved the animation when they told the tale of the Three Brothers. I did not love Emma Watson's voice over.

The only thing I had a major problem with, apart from the script (but I always have an issue with the script) was the way the story progressed. There was no natural flow like in the book. It was sort of pieced together in bits that the studio obviously classed as 'important to the story'. They were on a cliff, then there was a scenery shot, then they were all of a sudden in a forest, another scenery shot. It was very uninspiring, not very magical. There wasn't enough magic. The others, even though they are so much more lighthearted had a sense of magic throughout. The kind of feeling you get on Christmas Eve. None of that.

Now, back to slagging off the actors. I paid a good chunk of cash to see that film, and I did not pay to see Daniel Radcliffe dance. I was actually having body spasms I was cringing that hard. It actually hurt my body. Errrrgggh! It was painful. I know he's probably taking the piss out of himself and he's in on the joke blah blah blah, but no! Please don't ever make me see something like that ever ever again. Not cool. And the bit where Harry opens the horcrux so Ron can kill it with the sword of Gryffindor and Ron sees Harry and Hermione kissing! Apart from the fact that they were obviously taking a leaf out of the Twilight Book of Bollocks and made them both pale and shiny, why, oh why, did they both have to be naked?! I have never been so repulsed in my entire life. That image will be scarred onto my retina for the rest of time. So foul, so unnecessary. Slash, if Daniel Radcliffe is going to get naked so often, don't you think you should send him to the gym, or at least give him a light fake tan. There was nothing attractive about that visual. Nothing AT ALL. Instead I feel dirty. Gross.

And I know that Michael Gambon is a well famous actor and all that, but how did he get such a high credit when he was in the film for all of a second. And all he did was lie down with his eyes closed. I could have done that and you wouldn't have even had to credit me for it. I can look like Dumbledore if you give me a beard and a wig. Ludicrous.

The two best moments of the film were the sad ones. I really didn't think I'd find it sad because Radcliffe and Arrogant Bitch are so devoid of emotion it hurts, but when they went back to Godric's Hollow and went to the graveyard, I actually sobbed. So tragic. He was actually really good in that bit, I felt for him. "Merry Christmas, Hermione." Oh. My. God. Too sad. And Dobby! Oh, God! Dobby! I can't fucking stand that annoying creature, he's way too much like Jar Jar Binx for my liking, but when he was dying in Harry's arms and he kept going on about how happy he was because he was surrounded by his friends and how nice it is to have friends because he's never had friends before....! Just so sad! One of my fellow Death Eaters said to me, "Are you finding it so sad because you can relate?" I didn't take that kindly.

Dobby actually provided some serious comic relief in a really intense film which was greatly appreciated. When he apparated into the cellar of Malfoy Manor, and Harry, being the idiot he is was like, "Dobby, can you apparate in and out of this cellar?" and Dobby just went, "I'm an elf." Bitch please! OF COURSE HE CAN APPARATE INTO THE CELLAR! Classic.

One of the most underwhelming scenes was the one where Bellatrix was torturing Hermione. I was really looking forward to that for obvious reasons, but felt betrayed. She wasn't tortured enough. I watched the live streaming of the premiere on YouTube and Emma Watson was going on about how clever and amazing she is and how she and "Helena" came up with this really good idea that wasn't in the script that Bellatrix would carve 'mudblood' into Hermione's arm and all the production loved it and thought she was a genius and that she should be made Queen of the World. Firstly, please refer to Helena Bonham Carter with a bit more respect and apart from this story clearly being a load of bollocks, I actually thought it was quite a good idea, but was greatly disappointed to see that she had carved 'mudblood' as though she was a Borrower. I was expecting it to be the full arm, not written in between the lines of an exercise book. Idiot.

Bellatrix was amazing, but that is just a given. As was Draco. I feel sorry for Tom Felton, I feel like he's the best actor of the child lot and no one really cares. I care, Tom. You and your weird shaped head were great.

All I could think though, all the way through, was WHY DID YOU CUT YOUR HAIR!? Emma Watson is clearly an idiot. Her hair was so nice and now she looks like a child whose blind father cut her hair.

What else? I don't know. I want to see it again now. I never want it to end. Roll on July...

Oh, Cheryl...

It didn't work for Mel B, why would it work for you? Her hair was so not cute. Oh, just awful. What's going on, Cheryl?! You had such beautiful hair and now... Well... I don't even know what to say... Just, awful. I think it was meant to be some sort of bow, but it just looked like she could have been an extra in the video for Spice Up Your Life.

But the fact that Aiden was eliminated makes me want to kill myself. Erm... British public, hello? What's going on? Wagner in, Aiden out? Let me tell you something: Wagner is not funny. You clearly have no sense of humour whatsoever. At all. Nil. Wagner is NOT funny. I'm hilarious, I would know. Of course, I didn't vote; I'm not going to waste my money on such rubbish. BUT I WILL NOW! I will not rest until justice is mine! And Katie Waissel? I despair. She sang fantastically on her save me song, but her career is not going to be built on save me songs. Unless her first album is 'Katie Waissel: Songs that Saved Me' in which case, I would personally buy them all just to burn them in a bonfire the size of China. And what's going on with her hair? She's got none left! Why haven't they stripped it?! Or at least given her an everyday wig? Dear God. I get that she can sing, I actually like her voice, but I would never buy anything she released, mainly because she's so false it actually causes me heart palpitations. And when she was trying to hug Aiden when they were in the bottom two?! GET OFF HIM! HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR FALSE SYMPATHY BITCH! Oh, poor Aiden Grimshaw, he's so adorable. He clearly doesn't like her, which is hilarious. I don't think any of them actually do. Simon is clearly out of his mind. She must be his secret niece or something. WAIT! So now, not only is she ruining my life every week, having McFly support her and getting to spend every waking minute with the Bieber Boyband, she's now stealing my dream of being Simon Cowell's niece?! Not cool, Waissel. I'd watch your back if I were you...

Is it just me, or has no one else ever heard that JLS song? I mean, I knew they were doing the Children in Need single, but I'd never heard it, and I still couldn't tell you how it went. I genuinely didn't understand a word they were singing. Instead, I found myself shouting, "Do a flip! Bust a move! Take your top off Marv!" That kind of thing, because it was so dull.

Westlife on the other hand... Amazing. I love Westlife. They nailed it. The best thing about Westlife is that every single song follows the same formula. There are two verses, with a chorus at the end of each, followed by a middle eight which builds and builds and builds to a phenomenal key change with pyrotechnics and a momentous step forward. That is the formula that will make me die.

But Take That... OH. MY. GOD. I was so nervous for them. And by them, I mean Robbie, because I knew he would be terrified. But, wow. He was unbelievable. And he looked so happy! They all did. Of course, I was a jibbering wreck. I mean, not only is it a monumental moment in my life, but it's a monumental moment for the nation, for the world. Take That! All five of them! In all their glory. It's such an amazing song. They've nailed it. Nailed it. I have no more words. It has made my life complete.

Dear Konnie Huq,
Please stop. Please. You were never this bad in the good old days. You were the longest serving Blue Peter presenter of all time, for Christ's sake! Please don't ever speak to Westlife again. You are clearly too stupid to do your research and realise that Mary Byrne is not actually the auntie of Nicky Byrne. People are allowed to have the same surname, you know. Don't even look at Shane. His beauty it too much for your eyes. I seem to have blocked everything else you said out my mind, so I'll let you off for the rest of the show... But next week...
Alice. x

And she managed to insult Seal! No one insults Seal! He's way too cool. The way she poses questions is so patronising, and she never actually asks what she means to ask. Seal was actually repeating everything she said to him just to make sure that's what she meant. I'm actually starting to feel sorry for her! I loved her when I was 8! Oh, Konnie.

I think that is all. I hope that is all. I'm going now to fundraise to support my X Factor voting next week. Waissel and Wagner won't win on my watch. Mark my words.

Gegheads go Global

So I haven't blogged in about seven million years, mainly because after weeks of having something to spur my rage on a Monday, I find myself One Tree Hill-less and therefore uninspired. However, after missing Gossip Girl on Wednesday, I proceeded to catch up with it on Thursday, and my, oh my, do I have something to say...

But first things first; Justin Bieber Boyband rule all. Elton John week should surely be a week of excellence, after all, it's Queen Elton John III, Commander of the Globe. But alas. Jazzy Jeff managed to crucify a song that technically he should have been good at. Slash, Brandon Flowers rocked the pink blazer way back in 2004, he got stick for it then and his was Dior Homme not Primark and he was (and is) human perfection not a big fatty fatty fat fatkins. Traget Pajet went to lunch with David Suchet... Hmmm, rhymes... Erm... No. My point was this, he was alright, not great, but when Cheryl went, "That's not a song that I'm familiar with," I actually wanted to die. Don't admit on national television that you are not familiar with one of the most famous songs in the world. 'Crocodile Rock' is a classic, love. Oh, the shame...

Everyone else was average, even Matt and Rebecca. Matt should have sung 'Your Song' and even though Rebecca sounded amazing and looked amazing, 'Candle in the Wind' is quite possibly the most depressingly annoying song in the history of all time. She was wasted on it. But she quickly redeemed herself by using the term 'gegging'. Now for those of you who are not from Merseyside like yours truly, to geg is to put oneself in a situation in which they shouldn't really be. Allow me to contextualise. My friend was invited to a party, but she didn't want to go alone and so asked me to go with her even though I didn't know anyone and wasn't invited myself. I therefore felt as though I was 'gegging in' on the party. I was a 'geghead'. Rebecca felt as though she was 'gegging in' on the Harry Potter premiere. It's kind of like gatecrashing a suppose, but it was just excellent to hear a term I frequently use and am responded to in complete and utter confusion expressed on such a public platform. Prepare for gegging to go global.

I'm going to move swiftly away from the Harry Potter premiere as I had myself intended to go, wand in hand, but being the genius I am, managed to mix my days up. Missing my true loves; Curly Bieber, Asian Bieber and McFly... Not cool. But back to One Direction. THEY NAILED IT. Best performance of theirs by far, and easily the best performance of the night, hands down.

Xtra Factor was of course a total treat. Konnie is really starting to wind me up. Yes, I know I've been going on about how much she irritates me for the past few weeks, but tonight she really got me riled. "I thought Paije was really good last week, but actually, I'm not allowed to give an opinion, so just forget what I just said." Erm... You are clearly insane. What are you talking about? How are you still allowed to be doing this show? I don't ever remember you having this much trouble on Blue Peter. But the worst part was when she was sat with two members of McFly either side of her. I don't think I've ever seen an interviewer ever be so obliviously rude. Every time Danny started to voice an opinion, she would interrupt and turn her back to him to speak to Harry or Tom. Slash, Konnie, you're married and they have girlfriends, and are mine, hands off. Oh my God, I just remembered: "Everybody wants a bit of Zain". Or was it, "I'd like a bit of Zain" or something equally as inappropriate to that effect. Oh dear. McFly were hilarious though, as expected. And they want the Bieber Boyband to win. Applause.

Wagner or Katie will go I think, but I've been wrong every time so who knows/cares.

Gossip Girl. It was excellent; it's really getting back to season one good. And I love that. Chuck and Blair are excellent, Nate is as cute as ever, Lily Bass is still a hero and I'm actually intrigued as to what's going on. I think I posted my theory that jailbird Ben is the guy who went to prison for the murder of that guy that Serena 'killed'. I'm sticking with it. Although I'm probably wrong.

"You're worth so much more than any guest lecturer fee." Oh, Dan Humphrey, you charmer, you. With comments like that you could sweep any girl off their feet. I mean, seriously? They're actually scripting lines like, "you're worth so much more than any guest lecturer fee"? Embarrassing for everyone involved. And the best thing about it, was Serena was all like, "yeah, I know." Erm... stop being a filthy slag. And when she told Blair about Colin, and she was like, "You deserve better," and Serena was like, "Yeah, I know, he should totally give up teaching to be with me." Why should he? Why should he quit his job to be with you? Do you really hold yourself in such high esteem as to think men should just give up their entire lives just to spend an hour with you? Tone it down. And when he did quit his job for her, she then decided she didn't want to be with him after all! WHAT THE HELL?! So you make your would be boyfriend quite his job on the premise that you can be together and then dump him? Classy.

I'm most upset though about Colin leaving, he was so pretty. Slash, Vanessa is one crazy bitch. Obviously, she's always been this annoying idiot in the background causing aggro where there need not be, but she has cranked that crazy up about twenty five notches. I mean, she looked high for most of the episode. She's a genuine psychopath. Over Dan Humphrey as well. He's so irritating! I just... Never will I understand. Does he love Serena? Does he not love Serena? Why does everyone love Serena when she treats people like dirt?! Enraged.

What else..? Take That: Look Back, Don't Stare. Oh, Robbie. Oh, Gary. Oh, Mark. Oh, Howard. Oh, Jason. I mean, realistically, it was quite a boring documentary and failed to ignite any new excitement in me, but having said that, I don't think I could be any more excited than I already am. I'm at the stage where I'm literally shaking at the mention of them. Someone only has to say 'Take' and I'm a hideous mess on the floor. I'm a hideous mess on the floor by the time someone's make the 't' sound. God I love them. The thing is with programmes such as this, is that in a way, they ruin the magic. I don't want to see them fighting. I want to think of them as being bezzies, all having a laugh in the studio, cranking out some of the greatest songs of all time. The Flood is one of their best songs ever. It's unbelievable, and such a good song to relaunch themselves with. I love that Elton John just popped up in this too. In his Adidas trackie. It was an Elton John fest. I love how casual they are with him. I'm pretty sure Robbie called him 'El'. Gangster. He said it best though when he said, "I'm getting tears in my eyes seeing you all back together." It's such an emotional time. Such an emotional time. The dream I've had since I was five has finally come true. But even still, I felt like the documentary was just completely unnecessary; the process has been so highly publicised, we know everything there is to know, but I suppose it's always nice to hear what they have to say themselves. I just worship Gary Barlow. He's so talented it hurts. And I'm literally dying of anticipation for their performance tomorrow. I've said from the beginning that Simon would nail it, and he has. King of the World. Well done, Simon.

Until tomorrow, adieu.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet...

I hate Katie. She should have gone. The producers messed it up by the order in which the judges were asked who they wanted out; if Cheryl had gone last it would almost certainly have gone to dead lock and we would not be saying farewell to Trake, but instead moaning about how we have to sit through another of her performances next week. However, we (and by we, I mean I) are left filled with a dangerously unhealthy rage level that so far as caused damage to several personal possessions. You can't shout "sod it" in the middle of a song, throw yourself to the ground, forget your words and expect the public to like you. She's such a hideous mess. I get Simon likes her, but what's the point of continually saving her she's hated by the public?! Seriously. Even if he gave her a record deal after, she'd sell less records than Nadine Coyle. There is a reason she's failed so many times and that is because no one likes her pathetic attitude and her insistence on pretending to be 'quirky' and modest. It's so painfully transparent. I HATE HER!

But go Bieber Boyband - they totally nailed it last night. They'll win. I know it. Plus, a bit of partial nudity on the Xtra Factor never hurt anyone. But I'm not going to go any further, as just the mention of the Xtra Factor makes me cringe so hard my body actually spasms and it hurts. It took Konnie three attempts to say the word 'contingent'. Words fail me.

Slash, I am barely able to breathe at the thought of next week's gift of Westlife and Take That. I might literally die of anticipation.

What...?

I love The Event. I mean, I think, technically, it's awful, but I am truly hooked. The worst thing about it is that about 30 seconds before something's about to happen, I predict it, and am them so overcome with sheer anticipation, I go into some sort of nervous meltdown that results in involuntary spasms and a lot of arm flapping. It's so tense! But I hate hate HATE it in conspiracy shows when no one believes the person we all know is right. It's beyond frustrating. Here are a list of moments in tonight's episode of The Event that nearly sent me into anaphylactic shock

• When they 'tried to kill' Leila - with Jason Ritter on the way to save her, I was literally on my hands and knees begging the television to make him drive faster. And when they got there and couldn't see into the house so waited by the front door just as one of the bad men was opening the door to come out, but it turns out that they had gotten the wrong house... Oh. My. God. All I wanted was for them to stop him! But no. Instead that creepy old woman came to the door...
• The creepy old woman - I knew it would be Vicky Robert's mother. And then Jason Ritter was rooting through her stuff and the little boy came out and was all like, "Are you a friend of my mommy?" and Jason Ritter was like, "Yeah," and then he got his iPhone out and was all like, "Is this your mommy?" and showed him the picture of him with Vicky Roberts (not quite sure why he has that on his phone... but still) and the little ginger kid was like, "Yeah, but I haven't seen my mommy in ages. Will you take a picture of me to show her how big I got?" and Jason Ritter was like, "Yeah... Smile..." and then took the photo and then totally caught out the creepy old woman and was like, "YOU'RE VICKY ROBERT'S MOM BITCH!" Loves it. Although, the little ginger kid with the glasses broke my heart. It was so tragic. But I haven't even gotten to the worst part yet... When Jason Ritter took the picture on his phone and it flashed up low battery... NOOOOOOOO! It was so obvious that Leila was going to escape and try and call him and then when she did and it turned out the police were in on it and Vicky Roberts had actually let her escape to trick Jason Ritter into her evil web of lies. What a bitch. When she was on the phone crying I was screaming, "ANSWER YOUR PHONE! ANSWER!" But to no avail. It's so frustrating it makes me clench my fists so hard that my nails start to dig into my palms and my hands swell so as they begin to resemble big fat steaks, but I love it. 
• The phone call - Now, I'm pretty sure that the President isn't allowed to have a mobile phone due to security. Barack was far from impressed about giving up his Blackberry, but apparently, if you're the President AND you are also Blair Underwood, none of this matters. So when they could hear a phone ringing and the First Lady checked hers and it wasn't hers, and then Blair Underwood checked his and it wasn't his, and the little boy had a mysterious phone in his bag... I was convinced it was some sort of bomb. Thankfully it wasn't, it was better. A phone call from the man who made the plane disappear... Thomas... Eerie. I don't trust him, and Dr Weaver from ER kept telling Blair Underwood not to trust him, but I don't trust her either. She spent years in ER with crutches and now, all of a sudden, she doesn't need them? Something looks suspicious to me... Plus, she keeps going on about being an alien, so I think that should be a cause of concern as well.

At the moment, I'm struggling to see where the two aspects of the narrative really connect. I mean, I know that Dr Weaver's Alien Force helped the plane disappear, but I feel like I'm watching two different shows when it flicks between the Presidential side and then the woes of Sean Walker. If I'm honest, I'd much rather just watch the Sean Walker show, it's much more tense and much more realistic. But, obviously, the two will start interlinking more soon, and hopefully we'll understand what the hell the alien conspiracy has got to do with poor old Jason Ritter. It's probably completely irrelevant. 

Slash, it was so tragic when he was talking about his parents. It was obvious that he was going to have some sort of difficult childhood, all good heroes do. I feel like it could have been more dramatic, like they'd both been killed in a freak accident when he was young, but I think, hopefully, they're being clever, and using the 'I haven't spoken to him in years' to allow for his dad to make some sort of surprise appearance and be the leader of the conspiracy or something. That would be excellent.

I just don't feel like it's on long enough. I'm always shocked when it ends, ALWAYS ON A CLIFFHANGER! I mean, seriously, WHAT'S THE DEAL! TELL ME NOW! I NEED TO KNOW! It's like Lost, a lot, but just not as good. And not as random. Except when Dr Kim from The OC makes an appearance as a scientist. That's random.

"I think she'll be an owl..."

Just when you thought One Tree Hill couldn't possibly get any worse, they bring the world the worst ever in the history of humanity worst series finale ever. And what makes it even worse, is that E4 decided to show it as a double bill, as though the suspense from the first part would be so great that we couldn't physically wait another week for the next one. Either that or they just wanted it to end. On reflection it's probably the latter. In fact, it's definitely the latter.

I actually made notes. I never make notes on anything, but so many bad things happened that I realised about 5 minutes in that I would never be able to remember them, and they were too good to waste.

Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott is just the worst. The worst. She makes depression laughable. I love that she practically refuses to speak to anyone and instead decides that the best way to behave is to regress to some sort of spoilt 16 year old brat. She just strolls into Clothes Over Bros with Brooke and gives Victoria all this 'tude. It's like, nah-uh honey, I ain't takin' that. She was even chewing gum. I mean, what the hell. I don't think I will ever understand why the writers seem to think that we will believe that Hayley inspires anyone. Oh wait, I forgot,   she's a multi-platinum selling musician who inspires the world through her lyrics. How silly of me. I also forgot that being depressed means that you can't do laundry. That's why Nathan had to do it and turned all Jamie's socks pink! God Hayley, you need to stop being such a diva and do your husband's washing, bitch. What a terrible mother. I knew, as soon as you saw her on the phone, that Hayley was ringing her mother's mobile. What a tool. And Nathan's discovery of this was genius. "Hmmmm... why are there so many calls to Hayley's mum's number from Hayley's cell? Hmmmmm... Mystery..." GAY!

And what the hell was Quinn's Goonie inspired trail all about? There is no need for all these pointless sub-plots. Not that you can really call that a plot. It was more like, 'We've paid for her this season, let's use her'. He's 7, he's not a retard. Although it's questionable. If my auntie had tried to make me so something that stupid I would have thrown the biggest tantrum ever and torn up her stupid map right in her face. Slash, can I just say, that the 'snack' they were having wasn't fooling anyone. There is no way in hell that kid snacks on carrot sticks. Not unless they're coated in lard. The worst part about it was when Jamie drew that picture for Hayley. "Mama, you're our treasure, Love Jamie". Vom. Hayley, you are quite possibly my least favourite person on television, and I have some very strong feelings about Cher Lloyd and Louis Walsh.

Speaking of Quinn, I swear to God, how many times does she need to be naked. I get it, she's got a great body, thanks for rubbing that in my big fat face and making me feel greatly inferior. But seriously. OK, when she was trying to 'seduce' Clay (I don't think the word 'cringe' has ever been more appropriate) it made sense, but getting locked outside in a bikini, in the middle of the snowy Utah mountains... What? And then, 'Oh look here, a strategically placed furry hat and some walking boots! I shall now walk through this freezing blizzard to the local cafe where I will storm in a demand a key from my increasingly less attractive boyfriend.' Not cool. I wish they'd make her character less wet. She's such a drip. Shut up, Quinn. No one cares. I'm glad she got shot. Oooops. Don't want to spoilt the painfully abysmal ending...

I love Julian. I love him. But he needs a haircut, and after I declared this, it was later referenced about 5 times throughout the two episodes. Why doesn't he get it cut then? Ah... that is something we will never know. They mystery of One Tree Hill. Brooke is such a fatty trying to get out bless her. But as if he has the Film Festival people saved in his phone contacts. When the phone rang and the name appeared, it was just painful. That doesn't happen ever! And no one will ever want to see his movie because it has the most awful name ever, "Seven Days Til Tuesday". What?! That doesn't even make sense. And it sounds like the kind of film that would make me want to hang myself.

Slash, I can't believe I haven't mentioned Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott's suicide attempt. Well, it was advertised as a suicide attempt. In reality, it was more like she was swimming underwater for a long time and then Nathan jumped in and ruined her fun. "Breathe, Hayley! Breathe!" Erm... she is breathing. She's absolutely fine. It wasn't even dramatic. If you can count on One Tree Hill for anything, then it's a sense of over the top drama. But no, even that has sadly disappeared.

Back to Julian. Although his movie is awful, despite the standing ovation, (yeah, OK...) he looked nice in his suit. Slash, Jamie's premiere suit wasn't even funny. What kind of mother lets their child go to a highly photographed event dressed as a bull fighter? She's obviously too famous for regular clothing. But Julian has great taste in engagement rings. Quite possibly the worst proposal ever, but the ring was pretty impressive. Good old Brulian.

It's says here in my notes, "Jamie's fringe". Need I say more? I think not.

Oh my God, Quinn is such an idiot. There she was, taking a nice walk with her "baby" sister and she has to ruin it with, "Mom believed in reincarnation. I think she'll be an owl..." I'm sorry, what? Que? Quoi? An owl? Words fail me. All I could think for the 20 minutes that followed was, "I'm not an owl, Ron!" My favourite line from Harry Potter ever. Ho, ho, ho! But when Hayley saw that owl at the end, literally all I could do was sigh. It was so predictable and so ludicrous. And as if she went up to it and stroked it! WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU CRAZY BITCH!? IT'S AN OWL! I was just waiting for it to lose it's mind and start clawing her eyes out. I was very disappointed when it didn't, I'm not going to lie.

I don't care about Grubbs, Mia or Stephen from Laguna Beach. I feel like they're just there to kill some time. And why did Stephen from Laguna Beach go to Utah with them? Has he even ever spoken to Julian?! Go and hang out with LC, leave everyone alone you annoying little boy. Oh, I don't care about pubescent Justin Timberlake either. No one cares if he's gay or not. I don't think anyone would care if he was dead. Slash, I'm sure that Hollywood is full of really attractive rubbish actors, why not cast one of them as the 'leading man'? This guy must be the producer's son or something. How embarrassing.

Just a quick note about Alex. First of all, I know she wants to hide her scars and all, but what's with the arm warmer/vest combo? Not a cute look. And if she was that worried about scars, maybe she should have put more thought into how she was going to kill herself instead of acting on impulse. Serves her right. And also, how is having a different name a secret of the same magnitude as hiding your homosexuality from your family and the international press and public? Erm... let me think. It's not. Everyone has a stage name you idiot. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO BRAND ALICE AS A HORRIBLE NAME!? Her and her pube-headed actor friend make me sick. Was it meant to be dramatic? "It's Alice, Alice Whitehead..." Actually, that's just about a normal name as Alex Dupree, although, not as trampy. Bitch.

Now, to the ending of this season. Usually, there's a good ending. We all remember Hayley and Nathan's wedding when the limo crashed into the lake. Loves it. We all remember Dan Scott shooting Keith. Will anyone ever remember this? Probably not. And let me tell you why. First off, Hayley's pregnancy is now surprise. The only surprising thing about it is that she is now some sort of psychic and can tell the sex of the baby by magic or voodoo or something. "I'm pregnant and I think it's going to be a girl." Who says that? No one. Second of all, a shooting should always have impact. This was quite possibly the worst shooting I have ever witnessed. As soon as Clay told Quinn to go to bed, I knew CrazyBitch would be waiting. BANG! I love that Clay's response to an obvious gun shot in his house was an inquisitive, "Quinn...?" as if she'd knocked something over. 'I know what I'll do, I'll follow the sound of the gun shot and see what's happening...' No, Clay, you're clearly an idiot. BANG! Now, from all my experience in gun crime, I'm pretty sure that those shots would have killed both of them. Yet I know this to not be the case. This is the issue when America are so far ahead. I know that both of them are going to be in the next season. So it's obvious. There was no drama, no tension. I wanted some sort of Derek/Peyton thing, where it was so tense that I actually couldn't watch. It made me jump so badly. Whereas with this I was more, 'Hmm.. OK, whatevs' which a casual shrug of the shoulders. The best bit of this boring shooting was CrazyBitch's exit. I love how she used the curtain like a cape; swinging it over her shoulders as she disappears into the night. It was genuinely like some sort of piss take. It was almost as if they were trying to be ironic. It was that bad.

Dear One Tree Hill,
Please let Julian get his hair cut and marry Brooke in a nice happy ceremony (with lots of twists). Please help Jamie cut the carbs. Please give Quinn some clothes. Please don't let Hayley's pregnancy come between her and her loyal fans. Please let Clay live and realise that actually he and Quinn are really annoying together and he could be a lot more interesting if he actually grew a pair and started behaving like a normal human being. Oh, and please, please, PLEASE get some new scriptwriters.
Thanking you in advance,
Alice. x