This is why I'm a genius

You know when you're sat alone, casually watching B*Witched videos on YouTube, disguising your procrastination with reminiscence of days gone by, practicing your best Irish accent? It was from this humble beginning that I discovered myself to be the next Einstein.

Now, I love me a bit of 'C'est la Vie', but once you've watched it eight times, it can begin to get on your nerves. Naturally, I progressed onto the 5ive classic, 'When the Lights Go Out', a video so powerfully representative of our generation it's breathtaking.

Clearly, with 5ive being the international success that they were, and quite obviously still are, they were bound to have some of the world's biggest talent make guest appearances in their videos, particularly for a song that spoke to a generation. Therefore, I was in no way surprised to see, before my very own eyes, one Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott, bumping and grinding with one Richard 'Abs' Breen. The filthy whore.

Actually, I was very surprised to see Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott in the video, and my spotting of her in said video, due to the fact she is in it for 5 whole English seconds, is what makes me a genius worthy of international recognition and praise. I hope this is clear.

The Return of One Tree Hill

Oh. My. God.

Hello. I'm back, not that anyone cares. I felt that the return of the world's worst show warranted a return from me. The only issue is, that episode of One Tree Hill was so bad, I genuinely can't remember any of it. I think that as it was happening, my brain, in a valiant attempt to save me from the torture unfolding before my eyes, was blocking it out as it went along. Thank you brain! Oh no... it's come back to me. I think I'll be having nightmares about it for the rest of time...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, just when I was getting disturbingly excited by the advert, One Tree Hill has surpassed all my expectations. Every single one of them. Why am I even surprised?

So Quinn and Clay were not shot? It was all just a dream! Of course! Sorry, I did forget momentarily that One Tree Hill owned the 'it was all just a dream' franchise. Although, it was glaringly obvious from the start that it was not just a dream. WE'RE NOT STUPID! STOP WASTING OUR TIME WITH NONSENSE ABOUT DREAMS AND ALTERNATE REALITIES! They were shot. Shot as in, a bullet left a gun at speed and entered their bodies causing them to joyfully bleed everywhere and (fingers crossed) die as slowly and painfully as humanly possible. Alas, they will be saved somehow after 15 days of lying in that room because no one cares enough to wonder where they are and they'll both be absolutely fine. As if nothing ever happened.

I did thoroughly enjoy, "Oh Quinn, have you noticed that there's been no one else on the beach all day... Let's go skinny dipping." Oh, the tension! Slash, I hope they drown in their dream and enter into some sort of crazy Inception-esque scenario in which they can never ever escape. A bit OTT? Nah...

Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott needs a slap for two reasons: 1. What, in the name of all that is holy, sacred and Bieberfied, was that hat all about? 2. After the last season finale, the last thing anyone wants in the season premiere is to listen (YES! LISTEN!) to Hayley write the most appallingly homemade letter to Lucas about things that are completely irrelevant to life. No one writes letters on lined paper. Only the impoverished and those who deserve to be permanently excluded from society.

I know I said there were two reasons, but there are actually about five... Let me continue: 3. Her arse is gigantic and just because she's pregnant in the show, there is no excuse for wearing poor fitting clothing. 4. Her depression has just magically disappeared which suggests she will end up killing herself in about four episodes. 5. Is she a teacher? Is she an international superstar? Will I ever know the answer to that question? Will she ever make her mind up? Do I care?

Thankfully for One Tree Hill, they have Julian Baker. Oh, Julian... I love that they've taken to just having him half naked for the majority of the episode to ensure people watch. Which they will. Because he's fit. I also enjoyed the numerous Grease 2 references, resulting in Julian in a leather jacket... Nice. He did say some embarrassing things though... Some very embarrassing things. "I know you Brooke Davies." Thanks, Julian, we know. He also said something about 'romancing Brooke's ovaries'. I'm aware that this was intended as a joke, but it was not funny and it made me want to throw up. Thank God he was wearing that jacket... Also, all his 'Grease 2' references were actually from 'Grease'. I'm not sure if it was an issue for anyone else, but I just thought I would throw it out there; it bothered me.

Oh, I don't care that Brooke was arrested. I have no interest in this storyline. I also don't care about Stephen Colletti, Mia and Alex. It would be very convenient for me if there was some sort of violent explosion that resulted in their bodies being unidentifiable, just to make sure they couldn't be re-introduced at a later date. I wish Dan Scott was still around...

What else happened? Anything. There were so many embarrassing things that I wish I had made a note of. I mean, the scripting was truly abysmal.

"KEEP HIS DINGO OUT OF YOUR WALLABE!"

Well done, One Tree Hill. Bravo. You have managed to make innuendo completely unfunny. The other quotes are going to be coming back to me in my sleep... I'll be haunted by the ghosts of scriptwriting present. I'm actually scared to go to bed now... Really scared...

Until next week.

Eurovision

I am fully aware that my blogging is almost non-existant and that therefore, no one will read this, but it's Eurovision; if I didn't talk about it, it would be a sin. Well... I'm not quite sure it's in the bible, but I'm sure in God's most recent list, it's in the top 10.

I would go through all the countries one by one, but that would be so freakin' tedious and to be perfectly honest, I have very little to say about most of them. My favourite part of Eurovision is always, without fail, the backing dancers/singers/performers. Could they big up their roles any more? I mean, I have never in my life seen smiles that forced, such painful enthusiasm and such a severe desperation for fame and success. Tragic. So, so tragic.

But hear is my main question: If Duncan James is in Dusseldorf "performing" at Eurovision, which other fame-hungry legend/icon/nobody will read out our results?

Let us begin...

Finland. Now, who THE FUCK was Peter? Who is he? What does he have to do with 'saving the planet'? Why should I care about him sitting in a yard full of apple trees waiting for an apple to fall?! I'm trying to determine whether it was some sort of reference to Issac Newton and the theory of gravity, or if the songwriter (who I believe to be the performer, who I thought was Peter but is apparently not) is just abysmal at the English language and thought it was some sort of well used analogy. I'm thinking Peter is just an idiot.

Dear Bosnia,
Crazy old men are not going to win you Eurovision.
Love Alice. x

Bless. It actually made me quite sad. He wrote their first ever national anthem... It must have been fucking terrible. He couldn't sing... I mean, the man couldn't sing! Or do math. "One hundred plus two equals something that isn't one-hundred and two..." In his jacket that was 15 years old... I'm genuinely fighting back the sobs.

The woman from Lithuania was most definitely signing 'Fuck you all, we're going to win because I heart the deaf!' whilst singing whatever terrible love song she was singing. I'd love it if she'd just learnt it for the performance and her teacher had actually taught her 'I like shaving the skin off dogs and suffocating cats for fun' or something. That would have been brilliant. If only I was deaf...

Oh, Jedward. They weren't even bad. By their standards... I guess Europe don't know them well enough for the novelty to have worn so thin it makes you wish you were dead. Something about lipstick and kick starting something, blah, blah, blah... If only they could have performed Ghostbusters or Oops I Did It Again - something where they can stop half way through the song and have a conversation that involves a lot of "Oh my God, Edward!" "Oh my God, John!" The more I heard it the more it grew on me. But let's be honest, Jedward are terrible. One of them looked like he was having a fit, the other looked like he'd forgotten where he was, they were both jumping around like they'd eaten too many blue Smarties. But they weren't bad. By their standards...

Oh my God, Greece were my fave. It was almost Daz Sampson-esq. Do we remember Daz Sampson? What am I saying, of course we do. It was some sort of Daz Sampson-Vanilla Ice-Marky Mark crossover but without any of the attraction Marky Mark would bring to that hybrid. Mix all that talent with a big fat dose of classical pop and you, my friend, have got one hit record. Did I say hit? Sorry, I meant shit...

AS IF RED ONE PRODUCED RUSSIA'S SONG! He needs to be forbidden from making music ever, ever again. I hope Lady Gaga eats him in one of her hideous publicity stunts.

Oh, Blue! Oh, Duncan, Lee, Antony and Simon! Oh, Blue! In the old days you were so good! HAS EVERYONE FORGOTTEN THEY COLLABORATED WITH STEVIE WONDER AND ELTON JOHN!? HELLO! THERE'S TALENT THERE! Here's what should have happened - they should have gotten rid of Antony. Let's be realistic, he never did anything. They should have made Simon wear less clothes (the man's an idiot but his torso was a point scorer). Lee should have done more singing. Duncan should have played it gay. But here's the winner: they should have performed a medley of hits. Start it with a bit of All Rise, glide into a bit of Too Close, kill it with a bit of U Make Me Wanna and end it with a euro-tastic rendition of One Love. I'm telling you, they would have NAILED it. Oh, and those Blue suits were doing no one any favours...

Azerbaijan is a country I only learned today is European. I'm still not convinced it is. But I enjoyed their duet. At least I would have done if I was deaf. It was like Christina and Ricky Martin all over again, but with matching ill fitting outfits and song that wasn't nearly as iconic. Hmmm...

Slovenia decided to rock the Bieber fingerless gloves. She was alright. She was no Anzej Dezan...

I'm actually shocked that Serbia didn't do as well. I thought they'd win. It was well catchy. Not that I remember it now... Ah, I've found the flaw in my argument. Never mind.

I have a feeling that I have shifted tense during this post. If I have, this is because I'm writing this as the results are announced. Azerbaijan have just won and I'm still trying to think of a better likeness than Christina and Ricky Martin... I'm actually starting to like this song... Kill me. Despite the fact that it is being sung completely out of tune. Terrible. I'm running I'm scared tonight... KILL ME.

And Alex Jones? She was who we got to read out the results? Not even Konnie Huq or someone else equally as tragic and unemployed? OK. I hope Duncan's back next year.

Poor Blue. It really is tragic. But they did well! To say they were royally shit. We got actual points! I think that's the first time in about a gazillion years we actually got points. Not as many as Jedward... That must be a blow. Freakin' Jedward got more points... Oh, Blue. I'm going to sing 'If You Come Back' repeatedly in their honour. I might wear Blue for a week. Or I might just forget the whole thing ever happened and go back to my normal life.

Yeah, I'll go back to my normal life thanks... THANK YOU EUROPE! YOU WERE WONDERFUL! GOODNIGHT!

I need mental help. Seriously...

I don't quite know how to say this without being severely judged for the rest of eternity. I don't know whether it's because I'm tired, whether it's because One Tree Hill is now a distant memory of crappy TV past, or whether I have ODed on leftover Easter chocolate, but I'm actually enjoying 90210...

Now, here's why I'm worried. After catching up on the last 2 episodes which saw Dixon become bezzies with Snoop Dogg, the guys take Teddy to a gay bar to cheer him up, Adrianna send a naked photo of Silver to everyone at school, Naomi dress up as an Avatar and Annie get the better of someone, I should have slit my wrists over my computer screen and written a farewell message to my mother in my own blood. Instead, I'm actually excited about the next episode. What, in the name of Justin Drew Bieber, is wrong with me? I'm being serious. There must be some medical condition behind this bout of insanity. Christ, I hope it's temporary. I mean, Liam hasn't taken his shirt off for weeks.

So, even though Annie makes me want to scratch my skin off with blunt scissors, I actually prefer her to Emily. This is what first aroused suspicion in my mind. I mean, anyone wanting to destroy the life of the most irritating character would surely be celebrated. False. Unfortunately, I think the only reason I hated her more was because of her hair and her voice. So if they'd just cast someone else, I wouldn't be in the mess I currently find myself in. Or if the actress they chose (if you could really call her an actress - she was abysmal) had just spoken a tiny bit lower and worn a wig, all my problems would have been solved. Alas! But I'm glad she's gone, even if they did catch her out in the most pathetic of ways. A bit of drama wouldn't have gone amiss. I do enjoy that all Annie's friends believed Emily and thought she was being a bitch though. That's loyalty for you. It was pretty obvious that Emily was a Liam Payne in the arse. And I'm still not quite sure why she was so intent upon ruining Annie's life. Did we ever get a reason? No...? Just another pointless storyline then. Should have guessed.

Naomi has clearly never watched Desperate Housewives, because if she had, she'd realise that the dwarf of a 'nerd' she's going after is actually a psychotic killer with greasy hair. And also, he's not attractive in anyway. And if dressing up like an Avatar shows that a person is really selfless and caring, then I'm not the only person in the world to have completely lost my mind.

Dear Snoop Dogg,
I expected this nonsense from Nelly, but you!? I hope you are deeply ashamed of yourself.
Alice. x

Why are they trying to make out like Dixon is some sort of social whizz? He's an idiot and he gets on people's nerves. He couldn't pay me to do something for him, let alone convince me with his 'quick wit'. Just terrible. And as if Snoop Dogg just invites strangers into his car and drives them around! Let alone strangers that insist upon rapping his songs in thee most socially awkward and embarrassing attempt to impress. Come on, Snoop! Don't let this show dent your rep. You've got your own show to do that! God, I miss Snoop Dogg's Fatherhood...

Silver is an idiot. Adrianna needs to be kicked repeatedly in the face until her eye sockets swell causing her eye balls explode inside her head. Let's be realistic. Why does she still have friends? How could any one of those idiotic people still be her friend? They all hate her. What's even more tragic is that she thinks she's going to have a genuine music career in real life. Oh, bless her. It actually makes me quite sad. And sending a naked photo of Silver around? Good one...

So now Ivy's well into weed, her boyfriend of about 3 seconds is dying of cancer. Tragic. I actually like him. Raj? Raj. His name is Raj. Or it will be from henceforth. I enjoy that he has literally been in 2 episodes and he's already got a terminal disease. Well, I don't enjoy it because it would be tragic if it were real, but I enjoy the 90210ness of the whole situation. I bet Ivy becomes a model student now. Or, he'll die unexpectedly in 2 episodes time and she'll go schiz! Or he'll just leave in a really underwhelming fashion. He'll leave in a really underwhelming fashion, won't he? Bastard 90210.

Maybe I'm not enjoying it as much as I thought... And why does Mr Matthews only show up in every 4th episode with no purpose or reason to exist? Yeah, maybe hold off on the loony bin, I'm beginning to see the light.

The Return of the Jedi

Hello there. How are you?

I understand that the title of this post may be most misleading. No, I shall not be ripping into Return of the Jedi, I was referring to my return to the world of 'blogging' - not that you could really call what I do 'blogging'; it's more ranting about unimportant things to no one in a public and highly embarrassing forum.

But alas. My absence stemmed from seeing Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 3D and being physically unable to write something that wasn't 'OMG! It waz amazin! I luv JB!' or something equally as chavvy and grammatically incorrect. Therefore I decided not to comment, although, I feel enough time has passed to say in all seriousness that it was amazing, surprisingly emotional and actually very inspiring. But that is it. The moment I start thinking about his grandad, this post goes to pot. Let's move on, quickly...

My absence was then extended by the realisation that no one actually cares what I have to say, and the fact that television has been so tediously dull, I couldn't actually find anything to say, even if people did care. I mean, Gossip Girl has been the same every episode. So has 90210. The Only Way Is Essex is even worse than last series, but again, there is nothing new to say. Don't even mention Glee. I'm going to start a petition to get E4 to show One Tree Hill as soon as it's shown in America. As torturous as watching it is, its genius provides many a topic for discussion. But I refuse to watch it online - it's not worth going that far.

However, 'William & Kate: The Movie' has given me inspiration worthy of One Tree Hill. In fact, I'm almost certain it was probably written by the same people. After briefly working on the DVD release as part of a spell of work experience, I felt as though I knew the film before I'd even seen it. Which, I suppose technically I did - I had read the script. Which took about 5 minutes despite it's length. That's how terrible it was. They should have gotten Sorkin on it. What's tragic is that they probably did try to get him. They were obviously deluded enough to think making it would be a good idea, I think they were probably in a mind space that suggested to them that Aaron Sorkin would love to be a part of such televisual history.

In fact, it has made history. As the most repellent piece of audiovisual material in the world. Don't get me wrong, it was freakin brilliant, but brilliant in the way that Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott can go from touring the world to organising the local school dance in the same day.

I enjoy that Kate has a slight American accent despite being played by an English actress who has lived in LA for about 3 days. I enjoy that Prince Charles has been made into a comedy character who is quite willing to admit never loving Diana to his own son. I enjoy the use of green screen to give the illusion of far off lands (particularly Africa). I enjoy the terrible use of photoshop. But most of all, I enjoy that Angus from Neighbours plays William's 'best friend'.

Angus from Neighbours. Do we all remember him? No? Let me refresh your memory. Angus met a girl called Rachel in a club. They got together. They 'fell in love'. About three days later, Rachel goes to school (she is a student after all) only to run into Angus. HE THE NEW TEACHER! So they dated secretly for a while, he went to jail, she kept going to visit him, Susan Kennedy begged him to stay away from her step daughter, he couldn't, he left, he came back, they got together again, they decided to run away. Rachel then decided that she didn't want to, so he let her out the car and drove away into the distance. Turns out he drove all the way to LA to land the role of Ian Musgrave. Wow. The only way really is up.

Luckily for Channel 5, I had Sky+ed this nonsense, meaning that I could fast forward the adverts. Had this not been the case, I would have switched over in the first break. I wonder how many people did that? Lots I'm guessing. It was just so grossly inaccurate. Not that I would be able to give you an accurate account of their relationship, but I am certain that almost none of what was portrayed in the 'movie' is true. God, I hope none of it is true. Otherwise I've just lost any respect I had for Prince William. Oh God, poor Harry. I hope the palace sues the production company. Jesus - why was Harry so disgustingly hideous and why was he so Northern? I get that he had 2 lines, but Christ - so ugly, so Northern. Apologies for all the Jesus references - Easter has clearly gotten to me.

OH MY GOD! KATE'S DAD WAS IN THE OC! The man who played Kate's dad played Holly's dad in The OC. He was the one who punched Jimmy Cooper at Cotillion. That's it. What else is there left to say? Nothing. There is nothing left to say.

BRILLIANT.
It's good to be back.

Thou must brusheth thy hair.

Dear Serena Van Der Woodsen,
Please invest your millions and millions of dollars into a hair brush. I do not believe them to be that expensive and the cost is worth it to avoid looking like you have road kill on your head as you currently do.
Thanks,
Alice.

I hate her. I actually hate her. How old is she meant to be? Isn't she meant to be in college? Isn't she meant to be actually doing something other than lunching with possible psychopaths and irritating the shit out of everyone?!

I'm so confused as to the point of the show anymore. It's beyond ludicrous. I can't even be bothered to slag it off. Other than the excellent plot line of Damien convincing Eric to punch him in the face to frame Ben, get him put back in jail and avoid him telling his dad he's a drug dealer. Worst plan ever. Most pointless plan ever. I thought that maybe Damien had something to go on. Maybe he knew a secret side to Ben, which there obviously will be because he's so freakin' dull right now. But alas, he was just trying to avoid being cut off by his father. And for some reason, Dan got roped in because he is the world's biggest loser, a clear idiot and the most gullible, moronic twat ever to step foot on this earth. And then Ben didn't feel the need to defend himself. No, off he goes back to prison with his parole officer. Hang on, let's go back a bit. I thought Dan was in on the whole plan, but no, he's stupid enough not even to go along with framing him, but to believe something told to him by a known drug dealer who he knows he cannot trust without any evidence at all. DICK! But yes, off Ben goes.

Oh wait... Because Dan's got so much pull with the police, he was able to explain and get Ben back and bring him and Serena together. Fantastic. Slash... No one cares. All I can say is that Blair and Chuck better get back together soon or else there is literally nothing worth watching the show for anymore.

Come on, Josh Schwartz! We love you! Don't let us down... Or else...

Come on, you're clearly from Dagenham...

Erm... Sorry, what? How, would you, Oscar, who clearly studied at the Dick Van Syke school of Acting British, ever be able to identify exactly where someone was from. No one can do that! No one! Yes, OK. Maybe you could tell that he was from the London area. Hell, maybe even East London, but Dagenham? Specifically? No. That's like me going to someone with a French accent, "Oh, you're from Beauregard, aren't you?" NO! No one has even heard of Beauregard! I couldn't guess the exact place any one was from! Two words: knob head. I hate him. Physically hate him with the most intense of passions.

I also love that Mr Matthews genuinely thought he could help put Mr Cannon away by coming forward with his story. Erm, you were wasted, and weren't sure what you saw. Dick. I also love that when he disappeared into the wilderness, Annie and Silver were all like, "Yay! This is so good! I'm so glad he fled! Wooooo!" No! Surely that is bad. A casual serial rapist on the loose is not good for anyone, and now the police have a bitch of a job to try and find him. Lunacy.

Of course there had to be a casual drug dealer! And of course, she had to rope Liam into it. Poor old, beautiful Liam. Tragic. Slash, those hand bags were fucking gross. I knew there had to be some other explanation for the whole dealio. No one in their right mind would buy them. Filled with drugs however, I think they would probably be easier to shift. But poor Liam. Slash, what happened to his brother? He broke up with Annie and just left? Or did they decide not to break up in the end? Does anyone care? Most probably not. But either way, what happened to him? And if he has just left the face of the earth, what was his point? He did nothing. Therefore, he must not have left. He shall return with some deep dark secret to spill. Or not.

And poor Naveed. His girlfriend, who may as well not even be in the show anymore, is practically ignoring him, his dad is hiring underage girls to star in his porn films, he didn't win the Leadership award, whatever a Leadership award might be. How irritating is that girl's voice?! Harper, is it? I actually want to smash her head through something made of glass. What a hideous bitch. But, of course, there behind the bitchiness lies a girl tormented with the pressure of her highly successful siblings. An excellent sob story if I ever saw one. Oh, Naveed, pulling yourself out of the competition! Such a gentleman. Slash, idiot. She totally needs to be taken down a peg or five; she deserves no niceness.

Anything else happen? Probably not. It's such a terrible terrible show. I'm actually desperately missing One Tree Hill. With all their fame and fortune and murdering and backstabbing and casual nudity. Now that's a great show.

Brit Awards 2011

If you want to open a show well, open it with Take That. A-mazzzzzze-ing. How I love them so. Oh, Robbie. I love that none of it was about him. It was all about them as a band, and, if there hadn't been so much hype about them performing as a 5 piece, it would have been just like any other Take That performance. AMAZING!

Now, I know I have vowed to limit my Bieber talk. That is not going to happen this week I am afraid. That would be because he not only nailed the Grammys on Sunday, but he happens to be in this very country, right this second. He also happened to be at the Brits. Oh, Bieber. I, like the true loser that I am, sat and watched that God awful Dave Berry fronted red carpet programme on ITV2 before hand, just waiting for a glimpse of Bieber. And it was truly dreadful. Amazingly enough, through no fault of Bieber.

Dear Peter Andre, you are such a lovely man and I want so much for you to be good at something, but presenting is really not your thing, Love Alice. x

"Sorry, Justin. We're going to have to do that last question again because we weren't on. I thought I was presenting, but we weren't on air." Note to Andre, you are actually on air now... "Are we on yet...?" Yes Peter, you are on. "Yeah? Are we ready?" PETER YOU ARE ON WITH BIEBER! "Yeah? So, Justin, as an MJ fan yourself..." Dear God, Andre! Pay attention! Just awful. And Bieber was clearly in a rush to get in:

Andre: "Can you do the moonwalk?"
Bieber: "Not on carpet."
Andre: "What about the slide?"
Bieber: "Not on carpet."

Yes, one might say he was dismissive, others may say rude, but realistically, we all know Bieber doesn't tolerate such nonsense on national television. Come on, Peter, know your audience. Tragic.

Now, when Bieber got inside, that's when the magic truly started. I think you'll find that everyone in the world is either fascinated by or deeply obsessed with one Justin Drew Bieber. Take the fact that his name was mentioned about 25 times per minute throughout the entirety of the show. Facebook seemed awash with foolish folk thinking that James Corden, who did a very good job might I add, was ripping the shit out of a poor bewildered Bieber. Alas! I think, on closer inspection, you may be surprised to find that whilst Bieber may have been alarmed at the forward nature of Corden's comedy, he was totally in on the joke. This can be exemplified by the casual stroking of James Corden's face in response to being stroked himself. LOVES IT! Slash, if he really wanted to slag of Bieber, he would have slagged him off. "Oh, good one, James. Way to stick it to Bieber! Get him where it hurts! The hair!" Erm... No. The occasional joke about hairspray and collaboration with Mark Ronson is a weak attempt to offend, I mean, you could at least go for his height, or his intelligence. Therefore I have been lead to the conclusion that it was all in good faith. So more fool you Facebookers of the world. Double slash, if it was meant to be hurtful, you better watch out Corden. No one takes the piss out of Bieber except me. Got it?

I apologise. I sound like the sort of person that creates a Justin Bieber fansite, following him around the world, trying to get him to take a picture with the logo I spent 6 weeks painstakingly creating with my own blood, just to show my loyal followers that Bieber appreciates the hard work gone into running an online shrine to his greatness. I am not that sort of person. I just happen to be a greater supporter of nurturing the talent of today's youth.

And he won anyway! So screw you, fake Bieber haters! Casual kiss for Cheryl Cole as well on the way up. Such a smooth operator. Terrible speech though, JB. I mean, where was God's thank you? I thought it was important to always put God first? Or has the cynicism of the world of celebrity finally taken it's evil toll? Tragic. And bringing Mike on stage... Really? Is that what you really wanted to do? You brought all the jokes on yourself after that I'm afraid. Although, James Corden seemed to be the only one still enjoying the humour in that situation, again suggesting that he was paying awfully close attention to the actions of our favourite little Christian for someone who hates him. SLASH! Avril Lavigne. Who invited you? I wonder if they just thought that they needed someone Canadian to present Bieber with his award, to make him feel comfortable. Or whether she just turned up and walked on stage. I'm guessing the latter. Bless her.

I can't actually remember much else. I was in a Bieber haze.

Rihanna. How could I forget? Of course she was going to go off stage and take all her clothes off! Of course she was going to have tribal dancers. Of course she was going to sing every 9th word over the backing track, parading around with her thunder thighs on display. I have news for you Rihanna, you are not Beyonce. And your music is beyond irritating. And your acceptance speech for your award was more embarrassing than Bieber's. No need for shouting. Just a polite and sincere thank you would have sufficed. Oh God and Cheryl Cole presenting was painful enough as well. "My girl crush!" Really? She has no idea who you are, stop sucking up.

Oh, Robbie. I love that when Take That went up for their award, that the security man was trying to get Robbie to go a certain way, and he was having none of it. Excellent. Complete disregard for authority. There's the Robbie we all know and love. "SHABBA!" I have no idea why he felt the need to shout it twice, but it was funny. Oh, Mark Owen. Your thank you to Robbie was beyond adorable. God, they're so amazing. I love them. Have I ever mentioned that before?

What was most tragic about the whole evening was the unfortunate choice of closing song. Now, Ceelo himself was sounding great, singing the catchiest song in the entire world ever, but wait... What's that? Why is Paloma Faith entering in on a car? And why is she singing? Whoever came up with that collaboration is hopefully sat facing a corner in a rocking chair, smacking their head against the wall. Terrible. She wasn't so much harmonising as singing the song out of time and out of tune. I don't understand why he couldn't have just done it by himself. I know he's not British, but he won an award. And when they were walking down the catwalky bit of the stage and he stood on those stupid bits hanging off the side of her dress and ripped one off... Oh God. It was awful. Painful. I actually put my fingers in my ears. Such a shame, it was all going so well.

I'm glad they've changed it. The Brits have always been slightly embarrassing. And whilst it was still embarrassing, it all seemed slightly more credible somehow. But still. It was all about Bieber. Sorry.

Oh, Col... The Baftas 2011

Oh dear God. Could more have possibly gone wrong? I don't think so. I always seem to think that the Baftas will be a classy affair, typically English, sophisticated, elegant. I am always, always wrong. It was shambolic to the point of complete humiliation on an international scale.

I don't know what was worse; the fact that The Social Network was even tolerated as an award worthy film on my home turf or Emma Watson being there in general. I'm going to completely bipass the fact that The Fighter wasn't even nominated for Best Film... Although there was the occasional saving grace; casual Dev Patel here, casual Dev Patel there, Andrew Garfield in general, JK Rowling's interesting choice of attire, Colin Firth. Oh, Col...

Right! Let us try and do this as chronologically as possible without getting distracted. Helena Bonham Carter is such a hero. Absolutely hilarious. I'm so glad the creepy mum from Black Swan didn't win. I only had to see her face to know that there is no way in hell I'm getting a decent night's sleep tonight.

Question. Who invited Jessica Alba and Neve Campbell? Why are were they there? I'm pretty sure neither of them have been in anything since 2002 at the latest. Not anything that didn't go direct to DVD anyway. And also, why was Kieran Culkin there? Now, I love me a Culkin, and they do have a sneaky habit of appearing in the most unlikely of places at the most unlikely of times. I'm assuming he's dating Emma Stone as they were sat together and that is the only conceivable explanation of why he was in attendance. Unless he just turned up for jokes. Typical Culkins. Slash, as much as I was enjoying the idea of a Culkin using their cult status to geg into the Baftas, it turns out he is dating Emma Stone. Disappointing on so many levels. Well, not really... Mainly just the one... STOP DISTRACTING ME CULKINS!

Screw the chronology. I'll just try and remember. Oh, Colin. Colin, Colin, Colin. He has a way of making me cry by just speaking. It's actually completely absurd and ludicrous, but he's just so damn cute and articulate and eloquent and fabulous and oh my God, when he thanked his mum and dad, I lost it. I was anticipating something much worse. Something tragic about how much he loves his wife. Thankfully, he was kind and restrained himself. I welled up when he thanked Tom Ford for God's sake. Oh, Colin. I applaud you and your greatness.

And suck it Social Network! In England we appreciate films that actually deserve it. The King's Speech is much more deserving of winning Best Film than The Social Network and we all know it. Well, the Oscars probably don't know it, but I refuse to listen to anything they say until they've sorted Leo out with his award. What's tragic is, is that I really did like The Social Network, but it's gotten to the stage now where it has won so many undeserved awards that I cannot actually physically handle any more. Although watching Andrew Garfield and Jesse Eisenberg accept the award on behalf of the painfully underserving David Fincher was beyond adorable. They were so nervous bless them. But doesn't he look lovely in a suit?!

The flow to this is becoming so disjointed that I'm going to have to take this opportunity to apologise, but I need to express my anger about the Harry Potter people before I explode. When I say Harry Potter people, what I really mean is Emma Watson, who tonight was giving Lea Michele a run for her money. YOU'RE PRESENTING AN AWARD FOR SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER! WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO CRY/BE SO OVERWHELMED YOU CANNOT SPEAK FOR WELLING UP!? Moron. At least her dress was hideous. She winds me up to the point where I hope they kill Hermione off as a shock twist in the last film. I find it quite hard to believe that JK (I can call her that, we're mates) is as proud as she is claiming to be of the films. She's probably just proud of all the money they've made her, because if we're being honest with ourselves, save for Lucius Malfoy and a casual bit of Gary Oldman, they're pretty terrible and completely irrelevant to the books. But it would appear JK was wearing some sort of drapey snakeskin print, so she's clearly lost her mind. The best thing about the whole Harry Potter at the Bafta's saga was hands down Stephen Fry. Was it me, or was he the tiniest bit drunk? It can't just be me. He was slurring his words, calling people by the wrong name, swaying slightly. Excellent. Well done, Stephen.

Oh! And thinking of more disasters, what was going on with Rosamond Pike? "Oh, the autocue's gone, I'm sorry. Yes, the original screenplay is very important... It's very important because... You see, as actors we need a good original screenplay..." Enter Dominic Cooper, who's only response was, "Help me get off stage." Oh dear God. And then going to announce the winner before the nominations had even been read out. Jesus Christ. It's not even really live, I don't understand how they could have allowed all that nonsense into the edit. I know they don't have much time, but they had no issue cutting off Mr King's Speech Screenwriter off mid flow with a casual cut to the audience. Terrible. He was so adorable coming to think of it.

Oh my God. The saddest of them all, Sir Christopher Lee. Bless him! I love him. When he walked on, it literally killed me. With his little cane and his little shuffley feet. I literally lost my mind. And it clearly meant so much to him, although it did give Emma Watson yet another excuse to bring out the crocodile tears. She probably doesn't even know who he is. I can't deal with old people. It's too tragic. He was so lovely and eloquent but still, so tragic.

So, overall, it was so poorly put on. I mean, how hard is it to make sure the autocue is going to work? People do it every freakin' day! No wonder most of the nominees don't even bother to show up to the Baftas any more. They clearly have no relevance to the rest of award's season. Although they deserve snaps for giving The King's Speech so many over the film that has become the bane of my life despite the fact I loved it. Oh, such a conflict between heart and mind...

TV Round-up of Despair

I'm actually shocked at how these programmes continue to get made. Seriously. I'm at a loss for any valid reasoning. Well, I suppose idiots like me watch them with the view to rip them completely to shreds upon their highly anticipated ending.

Let's start with Tuesday's 902109876. Realistically, I don't care about any of them. Not one. So, previously, Dixon thought he had HIV, so instead of telling Ivy that he might have HIV, he told her he still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend who, for all he knew, had given him HIV, leading a distressed Ivy to sleep with the fake English man. Tragedy. We all know that fake English man has been shagging Ivy's man of a mother in an attempt to "ruin" their family. I enjoy that Dixon genuinely thought that Ivy would just shrug off the whole thing and get back together with him. "Don't worry, I don't love my ex, I just thought I had HIV! It's fine!" Idiot. I also enjoy the way in which fake English man decided to reveal to Ivy and her man of a mother his "evil" plan. It's a pretty weak plan to "ruin" lives to be perfectly honest. I mean, he's not even attractive. And he's also not really English. "I suppose you've heard that Ivy and I had sex. But Ivy! Did you know that me and your hideous mother have also been doing it all summer long?! DA DAAAAAAHHHH! [Cue jazz hands]" Well, I've certainly learnt never to mess with Oscar's family. Oh, wait... No, I think now I'd want to mess with them more. They're clearly all idiots.

No one cares about Annie and her relationship with Liam's brother. We all know Liam's brother, I'm wanting to call him Charlie but I don't really care, is only jealous of Liam because Liam is fit and he is not. Tragic, but true. And, in the real world, neither of them would be interested in Annie anyway because she is a whingey little bitch. Although, bless her heart, she was willing to sell her eggs for $20,000 so her mum could pay the bills. Erm... How about sell your massive mansion and move somewhere else? That would be a start. Whatever happened to the grandma they were staying with? Anyway... Annie's hair was also terrible. I don't really care about Adrianna and her psycho manager. We all know she's going to end up doing drugs again or something equally as tedious, then Naveed will break up with her again, blah blah blaaahauasubiuabrv. No one cares. Although, I am confused as to why Naveed's role has been cut down so much when he's one of the funniest ones.

I am enjoying that Jen is insistent upon calling her baby Jaques. That is genius. Well done scriptwriters, for once you've done something right. I laugh every time I hear the name. I just hope it was intentionally funny, otherwise... But I also love psycho bitch Jen. I love that she genuinely wants to kill Mr Cannon. Excellent. Slash, why is Annie's mum Jen's nanny? Crazy. But yeah. However, I know where this storyline is going and am enraged with it's terribleness. The End

Gossip Girl! Oh, Josh Schwartz. What's going on? I hope you've not completely lost your mind as is being currently being suggested on screen. Just awful. It's like the show has come back after the mid-winter break and all the story lines before have been forgotten. It's like a completely different show, which I'm finding hard to understand. Serena needs some sort of character make-over. I HATE HER! He genuine stupidity and naivety fills me with so much rage I'm close to smashing up my room. And her hair used to be so nice, but apparently, you don't need to brush it any more. It's chic to look as though you've been dragged through a hedge backwards, had your head stuck down a dirty toilet bowl and then left it for 3 weeks. Oh wait. BRUSH YOUR FUCKING HAIR! Eric, apart from being a completely different size of human to the rest of the cast, is also being an idiot. I know it's not his fault he's small, but when you've cast a 5' 10" blonde to play his sister, giving him appalling highlights that you get rid of after 4 episodes is not going to cut it. Poor casting. But I hate that just because Lily is trying to stay out of prison and not let the gay guy from Spin City buy her business, Eric's all like, "Oh, I need to buy drugs, no one's paying me any attention! Woe is me!" Idiot. No one cares about you any way, except Jonathan, who I genuinely feel sorry for. If Blair and Dan get together, I swear on the name of our Lord, Justin Bieber, that I will fly to New York and personally bitch slap Josh Schwartz. No no no no no no no! No friendship group is that incestuous. And Blair is way too good for Dan. Blair is the only good young one. Except for Nate, and that's only because he's beautiful; his story lines are really starting to grate and I have no idea what's going on with his hair. Chuck is a moron. I almost typed Mormon. That would have been humorous. Erm... I like Ben. Although, I judge him for loving Serena. He just looks so clean and adorable. But we all know he's going to be yet another psychopath. Tragic really.

Beauty and the Beast. Is it just me or is that man who goes round interviewing people a real tit? I know he's got a facial disfigurement, I know he must have had a hard life, I know that people must be horrible and prejudiced towards him, but does that really allow you to be a complete knob? I don't think so. I know he's been asked to go and speak to all these people in the fashion world and the advertising world and the music world about why we're so image obsessed, but realistically, I wouldn't buy clothes from me, let alone him. Especially him now he's turned out to be such an arse. There's no point being rude about it! It's not their fault! He irritates me beyond belief.

That woman was beyond hideous. Sarah, was it? Why, oh why, would you keep getting plastic surgery when it just made you end up looking like that? I don't think it helped that she clearly had no taste or any concept of her age. I mean, she says she's beauty obsessed, but her extensions were beyond matted, her hair colour of choice was yellow, her false eyelashes made her look as if she had lazy eyes, and her skin was awful. Wrap that up in pink PVC and I'm surprised people in the street aren't blinded. And that silver dress! She is the definition of space sausage. And her inability to even try and empathise with the other woman was quite shocking. I'm pretty sure the last thing poor old Susan wanted was to be turned into a glamour model. Bless. Nice idea though... Oh, wait. Sorry. I meant TERRIBLE idea. Quite possibly the worst idea ever. And her laugh is about as fake as Lea Michele's tears at the Golden Globes. Why do I watch shows that just end up making me angry? When I'm 30 and in a mental institution, this will be why. Damn you, Channel 4!

I think that's about it. I wish there was something new on. Scratch that, I wish I had Sky. That would solve all my problems.

The Fighter

Oh my God. I swear, on all that is viewed as holy and sacred in this world, that if The Social Network wins Best Picture at the Oscars, I'm boarding the next flight to LA and burning the Academy to the ground. After seeing three of the competing films, I am 100% certain that The Social Network is quite possibly the worst of them all. And The Fighter is the best...

Oh my God. Oh MY GOD, it was brilliant! Someone get me a laminator, I'm making me a brand new Marky Mark lunchbox. He is so freakin' amazing, I can't even begin to express it. I'm now even more enraged that he is not nominated for Best Actor. He wouldn't win, we all know Col 'Older than my dad' Firth will win, but he deserves a nomination. More than Jesse freakin' Eisenberg anyway... I loved it! I loved it so much. Yes, I think that most of the hysteria in my tone is due to the fact that Mark Wahlberg is painfully attractive, but even so, the film itself was just unbelievable.

Amy Adams was even good. And I hate her. Melissa Leo deserves every award she gets - she's amazing. And they may as well just hand Christian Bale the award now so he doesn't have to show up and pretend to enjoy himself. Although I am greatly looking forward to another psychotic acceptance speech. He made the film. He was genuinely fantastic. I don't even know what else to say... When something is this good, you have to fight the urge to gush like a lunatic to avoid making a total knob of yourself. But all I can do is gush. The entire cast was amazing. From his dad, to Sugar Ray Leonard's cameo, to the sisters, to the police man.

When they broke his hand, I was so upset. It was genuinely a devastating moment. All he wanted to do was protect his brother and they brake his hand and arrest him. So tragic. And when he cried! I refuse, after this film in particular, to ever take abuse about Mark Wahlberg's acting ever again. He's Oscar nominated for Christ's sake! You cannot see this film and leave with the opinion that he cannot act. He can. And he can do it better than the entire cast of The Social Network, I'll tell you that for nothing. The thing I love about Mark Wahlberg is that he always plays the part down. It's probably why he hasn't won an Oscar, yet. But I love that about him. He doesn't try and oversell the character. He makes the character real. And I always think it's harder to play a character that is for all intents and purposes, 'normal'. I would never wish to take away from Christian Bale's performance, but he was playing a crack addict. There's stuff to work on there. When you're playing a normal guy, it's easier to make the character feel contrived and look like you're trying to hard. Can you tell I did AS Level Drama? But Micky felt very real. Bravo, Marky Mark!

It was funny, it was sad, it was tense. For his last fight, I was literally on the edge of my seat, telepathically willing him on to win. All I could think was, 'If he doesn't win, I'm walking out right now, I don't care what happened in real life, he has to win in the film.' I think I actually applauded. I was grinning from ear to ear.

Now The King's Speech is one hell of an uplifting film, from start to finish, but the overwhelming sense of redemption and relief and joy at the climax of this film, would beat The King's Speech to the ground any day. It would literally throw it to the floor and stamp on it. Triumph. Triumphant is a good way to describe it, in all sense of the word's meaning. I think that because it was real, and because Marky Mark was so passionate about it, and loved Micky and Dicky so much and the way it was directed, it felt as though they wanted to make the film to genuinely tell the story. And it's such a great story. And it was so realistic. Even the fighting, The fighting was unreal, actual fighting. And whilst at times I was screaming (in my head of course), 'No! Not his beautiful face! Get off his beautiful face!' it was totally necessary. It's obviously choreographed to ensure that they don't kill each other, but if it had been completely staged, a la WWE, then it would have ruined the whole film. Everything about it was authentic. Oh my God, I freakin' LOVED IT!

I am now going to become a boxer. Casual jab here, casual jab there. I think I'd be excellent.

There was only one thing that let it down. One thing. And I wasn't even going to mention it, but I'm going to. At the end, when they go to 'London' to fight that guy, Shea Neary. Yeah... That was... interesting. Liverpool's finest... I have no idea who or what the actor was trying to portray, but it was no Scouse Irishman. Perhaps a Scottish retard. I don't know. But his accent was beyond terrible. Just appalling. I do believe the phrase 'embarrassing for everyone involved' was used. Having said that, his speaking part was very small and Marky Mark beat the shit out of him anyway, so it was fine. Probably for ruining to film.

I think I have quite possibly made this film sound dreadful. But I can assure you that it is not. I can also guarantee that it is the best film I have seen so far this year, and I am desperate to see it again. My final guarantee is that the Academy will be receiving a particularly angry letter when they choose The Social Network, because it doesn't even begin to try and compare to the genius that is The Fighter.

So...

It would appear that Finn was dressed as a priest. This is quite possibly the best and more unexpected thing I have ever seen. He was dressed as a priest. A genuine priest. Excellent.

I am aware that it has been a while since I posted anything of any interest / anything at all. This is due mainly to the fact that there has been nothing new and/or interesting on TV this week and (probably more prominently) the fact that I have spent every last waking hour watching Entourage online. I think you will find that this is a much more reasonable and practical use of my time rather than actually doing the gigantic pile of work cursing me with its evil glare or socialising with members of the outside world, because apparently I don't live in LA and Vincent Chase isn't real. LIES!

But back to the fact that in the midst of the most painfully cringe-worthy piece of television ever created, Finn, the boy who is in fact about 36 and a completely different size of human to the rest of the cast, was dressed as a priest. AN ACTUAL PRIEST! See, they can go from Jerry Big Lips / Boris Johnson's illegitimate love child talking in embarrassing riddles (riddles, actual words... I have no idea what he's saying, I'm far too distracted by the unfortunate case of Elephantitis on the poor boy's face) that make me want to kill myself to absolute comedy genius, in the form of dressing an already humorous looking fellow as a member of the clergy. Congratulations, Glee! You win! I shall continue to torture myself with your appalling story lines and unfortunate head wear choices in the hope that one day, you will once again provide me with the optimum entertainment you managed tonight.

Black Swan

Well I'm more mentally disturbed than I ever hoped to be.

Wow.

The hype around this film worked me into an unhealthy frenzy. It's been advertised for so long now that I actually didn't think they were ever going to release it in the UK, just keep teasing us with all the award nominations and rubbish trailers. I got to the point where I had convinced myself it was going to be the best film I'd ever seen in my life. I then got to the point where I had convinced myself it was going to be the most disappointing film I'd ever seen. I was disappointed, but I can't quite put my finger on why. All I know is that I'm scared of turning my light off to go to sleep...

The beginning was slow, and I feel like the audience was expected to understand all the context surrounding Natalie Portman's character, Nina, without explaining anything. I saw The Nutcracker at the Liverpool Empire when I was about 6 and all I remember is being bored because there were no songs. That is the extent of my ballet knowledge. Oh, and Swan Princess is an excellent film and was based on Swan Lake. You get my point. So it would have been nice to have had a bit of her and her ballet before all the mind scrambling began. It was very boring to start with. Although you always had a sense that something was building, or that something was about to happen at any second, even though it didn't. I think going in expecting that level of tension put me more on edge than if I had gone in knowing nothing about it. But I was far from prepared.

Do you know what? I think it could have been done better. I think that the story itself needed longer to be fully explained, it was all quite squashed into the time, and there were bits I found irrelevant and bits that I wished had been taking into more detail, but realistically, it made the point. And it was great. The constant sense of paranoia; terrifying and claustrophobic and I put most of that down to Natalie Portman's performance, which definitely deserved the Golden Globe, and if it doesn't earn her an Oscar, I will actually eat my hand. She was un-freakin-believable. Her dancing was unreal. Unbelievable. I'm sure if you're a professional dancer, it's probably laughable, but she total dedicated herself to the role. I actually want to be a ballerina, even though I'm pretty sure that's not what the film was going for. And I hate Natalie Portman! She's irritated me in every single thing I've ever seen her in. She will always be Queen Amidala from Star Wars to me. And she deserves to not win the Oscar for making that dreadful film with Ashton Kutcher... But, wow.

The ending was where it was all at for me. When she kept seeing herself in other people throughout the film, I thought it was a bit too melodramatic, but the end, where all she saw was Mila Kunis, and she thought she had killed her. UNFREAKINBELIEVABLE! I loved it. That was the best bit of the film. I wanted the whole thing to be like that. I felt like they were trying to make all the metaphors too obvious at the beginning. Her transferring her frustrations and hatred of herself onto other people, therefore she would she 'herself' everywhere. Naaaaahhhh, twas better the other way, where you actually thought Mila was dead! So much more dramatic, and much more powerful. The only other bit that messed me up like that did was the bit... I'm sorry, I'm scaring myself thinking about it, it's a good job RuPaul's Drag Race is on to bring me back to reality... the bit when she got home and went into the kitchen, washed her hands, left and turned out the light and then heard a voice... Turning the light back on she finds herself drenched in blood standing in a corner... TOO MUCH! NO! MAKE IT STOP! Fuck, there is no way I'm sleeping tonight. I'm way too on edge. I only wish the people upstairs would insist on playing Vietnamese cover versions of Joy Division all night like they did last night... That would relax me slightly...

There were aspects I found comical that definitely weren't meant to be comical. Winona Ryder in general, but particularly the bit where she started stabbing herself in the face with a nail file. It was reminiscent of the cinematic classic, Frankenstein, directed, AND starring Kenneth Branagh, where he creates a mate for the monster, and she ends up setting herself on fire and throwing herself down the stairs. Shouldn't be funny, but it is. It most definitely is.

Darren Aronofsky is clearly a genius. I love that the majority of it was hand held, it was grainy and dull. It made the paranoia, the anxiety all the more real. Which, in hindsight, I don't really appreciate. Thanks, Darren... I'll send you the bill for the sleeping pills. But it makes me all the more angry that he didn't win Best Director at the Globes, and that the film didn't win Best Picture. Having said that, The Social Network did not fill me with a terror so deep I may never be able to turn off the lights or look in mirrors ever again.

I love Vincet Cassel. He was great. That is all I have to say about him. Mila Kunis was also great, but not that great. The mum was amazing. I'm genuinely filled with terror every time I think about her face. God, she was so creepy. AND THE NAIL SCISSORS! Oh, Christ. I've not let my mum cut my nails since I was about 5. It's all about the emery board. On the rare occasions I've had manicures/pedicures, I have point blanc refused to have them actually cut my nails... Poor Natalie Portman. Tragic. AND THE RASH! When the rash rippled through her skin, I thought it was quite poor visually, but I like the idea behind it. The swan taking over her. Nice. And when she finally 'grew' the feathers on stage, that was amazing. I feel like even though some things were physically portrayed too obviously, they made her fall into madness easy to follow. Although it was confusing, I never felt lost. I liked that. I feel cultured rather than stupid.

I don't really know what else to say. The ending made all the bits that annoyed me about it, or bits that I thought could have been better obsolete. It was the most phenomenal ending to the film. It was perfect. The more I think about it, the more breathtaking it actually was... So good! It's worth watching just for the end. Honestly. All I can add is this: Fuck you Golden Globes! The Academy know where it's at. Darren Aronofsky is going to physically destroy David Fincher and his average attempt at film making. However, I have yet to see The Fighter, so I'll let you know who's going to win best film...

10 O'Clock Live

Interesting. I have no idea what to really make of it. On the one hand, it was quite good for a first show, being live and all, with presenters who are more comedians and Lauren Laverne than those who are used to political interviews on live television. However, what weighs down the other hand is what would suggest to me that this show was more embarrassing than funny. The pre-recorded sketches were painful. Lauren Laverne and that other guy doing that E!News skit about the Sudan was about as humorous as undergoing a triple amputation and finding that the only available prostheses were ones you'd have to rip from the arms of dying children. It was agonisingly unfunny.

The bits that worked best were the live interviews, although, the desire to be funny overwhelmed any sense of actual question and answer protocol. I adore David Mitchell anyway, and have been told on many occasions that we would make excellent friends if I wasn't as shallow and ignorant about the world's more serious issues, but he was really good. At least with David Mitchell, it felt like the humour was more natural, that he was finding comedy in the interviewee's response rather than awaiting to see if the answer was relevant to any preprepared material. The best thing was when he kept repeating the full names of those he was interviewing. "Richard Sharp, what do you think? And what about this, Richard Sharp? Erm... Richard Sharp..." So adorable, particularly when Richard Sharp himself went, "You can just call me Richard."

Jimmy Carr was very funny. He is funny. But I only think he's funny when he's interviewing someone intellectually inferior to him. Or at least an easy target. That environmentalist was an easy target, and although Jimmy Carr was able to get a lot of comedy from the situation, the point of the interview was lost, and time had run out before Bjorn, or whatever his name was, had even really begun to mention why he was there. Although, if you're going to go around claiming that building volcanoes is going to help solve global warming, I think you're only fair game. "Some might say, you put the 'mental' in 'environmentalist'." Excellent. Plus a nice gag about Bjorn Again is always going to make me laugh. His Tunisia bit though... Not so good. I saw the aim, and it could have been really funny, but in a live environment, it looked more like some sort of GCSE drama attempt. I would know, I've appeared in many such like it. But I thought he was excellent at keeping the whole thing together, he's quick which is helpful when people are running out of things to say or when the others tell jokes that bomb.

I love Charlie Brooker. I do. Even if his wife is thee worst television presenter of all time. I shall never forget her calling Usher a 'sex-god'... And he was funny. Not very funny. But funny enough. Obviously, it being the first show and everything, there were bound to be nerves, but when you're in the middle of a surprisingly convincing spur of the moment rant, to trip over the punch line and then go back and fix it when it didn't really need to be fixed ruins the illusion somewhat and therefore the whole idea of the joke being funny. What's funny in writing does not necessarily translate onto television. Tragic, because I adore his writing, and even though he writes how I imagine he would speak, it's not the same when you know it's scripted. I don't know... Maybe he'll get better. I hope so.

I'm not sure I even want to comment on Lauren Laverne. The only reason she's really there is because they needed a woman and let's be honest, there are few who are decent enough or in the right vein for the show. She was painful. She's not funny, she tries too hard, and she is clearly quite ignorant of the subject matter being discussed. If you're going to be on a show about politics, at least brush up a bit. Slash, the topics for discussion had clearly been rehearsed, why had someone not pointed out to her that she was talking a load of crap.

Lauren Laverne: "Obviously, with Ed Balls married to Yvette Cooper and them both now being in the cabinet, it might get a bit awkward. What do you think?"
David Mitchell: "Well, they were both in the cabinet together before, so nothing will change..."

Being undermined whilst attempting to sound like you know what you're talking about on live television by a colleague with much greater intelligence must be hard. But that was funny. Quite possibly the funniest bit of the show and (seemingly) unscripted. Excellent.

I'll watch again next week and hope it gets better. I think it has great potential, but I think they're trying too hard and attempting to fit way too much into the time they have. But what do I know? Well, I'm going to suggest a bit more than Lauren Laverne... About comedy anyway.

GB40

Gary Barlow is 40 years old today everyone. And he's nailed his birthday like only he could.

His concert, thankfully broadcast on Radio 2 so as to avoid mass suicide I am sure, was unbelievable.

Let me give you a slight background into my love. I have idolised Gary Barlow since before I was born. 'How is that possible?' you may ask. Some parents play their unborn children Mozart, others Beethoven, mine Take That. And I was born about 5 months after they released their first single, so it wasn't even the good stuff. I believe I was 2 years of age when I first declared my intention to marry one Gary Barlow. I was 4 when I wrote my name on the album liner notes of one of the greatest albums of all time, 'Take That and Party'. My mother was not amused. I had a life sized Take That poster on my door, a poster that was tragically thrown away when the door got broken and discarded. Fear not, the image remains engraved in my memory. It was so tasteful. I carried a Take That ringbinder around secondary school before they even considered getting back together. My mum still has a leather keyring on her car keys from her original Take That fan club membership. I have a blanket knitted by a friend of Gary's grandmother, something I have been bragging about since I was able to talk. I have seen them twice since they reunited and have tickets for this year's tour. And, most recently, my wonderful auntie managed to get me Gary's actual autograph. It's personalised as well. Don't, I'll cry...

I love him if you haven't guessed. I had his doll. I had all their videos, still do. So for Gary to do this, although I'm suicidal about not being there myself, it has managed to make me, his biggest original fan under the age of 20, the happiest girl in the entire land. Scratch that, his biggest original fan. I'd trample the rest.

His voice is amazing. His songs are amazing. His band are amazing. I have cried four individual times over the duration of the broadcast. His talent knows no bounds. None at all. How can you write 'A Million Love Songs' at 15 and continue to get better and better? It's unthinkable genius. I'm genuinely struggling to comment properly and sufficiently on tonight's performance...

The thing with Gary Barlow, and with Take That in general, is that they represent, for so many people, complete and utter happiness. I know that since the reunion, the others have chipped in with the song writing, but you can tell where the real magic comes from. Not to take anything away from the others because I adore them. But Gary, he's a real hero. I would go as far as to say he is one of the greatest song writers of the past 20 years. He's easily in the top 5. And that's not even bias. A gig like that, in a venue as intimate as the Shepherd's Bush Empire, must have been just magical. One of Gary's main talents is, that even seeing him perform at an 80,000 capacity stadium, he can make it feel as though you're right at the front. I think it's his voice. And his warmth. He's so beautifully Northern and so unapologetic about it. I love that. I think that the general impression of Gary Barlow to those who don't love Take That is that he's some old dad-like man that sings cheesy pop songs. I think a lot of people that he's out of touch and corny. I say that those people are ignorant arses who need to get over themselves. They are wrong. His knowledge of music, his passion for music, his eagerness to learn from newer artists, his eagerness to learn from anyone... He's just Northern. Wonderfully, perfectly Northern. He's so well respected and loved by some of the best people in the music industry (cough, Brandon Flowers, cough) that it is near impossible to discredit him as a musician. Slag him off to Elton John, see what'll happen then...

The only issue I have with tonight's performance was the guests. Ellie Goulding was random and unnecessary and didn't sing particularly well. But that was fine. She was on and off. Here is my main issue: Chris Martin. Now, I like Coldplay. I do not love Coldplay, nor do I love Chris Martin. If anything, he annoys me greatly. But dear God, he was terrible. I was so excited when Gary announced him onto stage and then he proceeded to sing, completely off key and out of tune, one of the greatest songs in the world. Yes, I'm talking about 'Back for Good'. I bet Gwyneth was humiliated. And the thing is, I've seen YouTube videos of them singing it, albeit, with Brandon Flowers and Bono helping, and it was amazing. Maybe it was the pressure of Gary's 40th birthday. And all that Take That fans. That's surely enough to stress any one out, although he deserves no excuses. It was terrible. Thanks for ruining Gary's birthday, Chris. Idiot. Oh, and Jo Whiley butting in every 3 seconds to explain the obvious. That was really annoying. And really really unnecessaary. Thanks, Jo, but I think Gary's got it covered. He always does.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Gary! Such a great day for the nation. Such a great day for the world. Whilst I declare my adoration for the great man wherever I go without thought or shame, I have never been prouder to be a Gary Barlow die hard.

Blue Valentine

I can't even comment. Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams were unbelievable.

Big Fat Gypsy Weddings

After unfortunately missing last night's triumphant return of Big Fat Gypsy Weddings due to a casual two hour power cut, I caught up this morning. Pure class contained within a 45 minute programme. Just excellent. My favourite line from the whole show was when the featured groom, Swanley, asked, "What's a non-racist word for Paki?" Genius.

Of course they go to Liverpool to get their dresses made. I'm sure most of them aren't a far stretch from what the seamstresses are asked to make on a day to day basis for an average Saturday night out. Oh, Liverpool, how I love and miss you so. My personal favourite was not the wedding dress with the transparent corset and flamenco style skirt with the thigh high slit and roses weighing 5 stone. No. My favourite was the pink dress made for the 7 year old girl for her first communion, based upon the classic Eddie Murphy move, 'Coming to America', that weighed twice the poor thing's body weight. Tragic. And all the other girls in their 'normal'/hideous white dresses all laughed at her. Slash, they were probably just jealous. The 7 year old inside of me is jealous. I would have loved to have a dress like that. Thankfully, my mother had taste, boundaries and not nearly enough money to waste on such a monstrosity. It was so tragic to see her try and walk in it. Good exercise though, perhaps I should get an outfit weighing double my body weight and wear it everyday as a workout tool...

What else did I enjoy...? Erm... The fact that girls go and hang out in carparks to get the attention of boys. Having said that, that's probably not that uncommon in everyday culture, I don't think it's just the gypsies. The fact that the groom was late to his wedding because instead of getting a lift with his mates/family, he decided to drive himself in a white Transit van. That was excellent. Luckily for him, the Hummer coming to pick up his bride was running later than he was. Phewww! What a relief.

I'll tell you what I enjoyed the most! The hen night. Oh, wow. Off they went to Lanzarote, the bride and her family of 10 to celebrate her last week as a free woman. This is not what I enjoyed. 'Twas the outfits that I enjoyed. I say outfits, they were more like scraps of material with tassels sown on them in tasteful places. Why do gypsies wear no clothes? I'll have to ask Cher Lloyd if I ever casually bump into her. She'll know. I'm also intrigued as to how they appear to all have so much money. How can they afford to pay for dresses like that and then a full on wedding for all their 55 children? And then they all go to Lanzarote?! I can't afford to go to Lanzarote by myself! Not that I'd want to, it's far too hot for my liking.

902108726354

Worst show ever. Within the first 3 episodes, we've had an earthquake, a death, a rape, an overdose, intellectual property theft, casual homosexuality, the most offensive English accent ever, the possibility of swingers and the reality of egg donation. Have I missed anything? Probably. It's just awful.

Slash, it started with a time capsule. Something I'm pretty sure happened on One Tree Hill about 25 years ago, and their time capsule episode was so much better. At least it was actually relevant, unlike in tonight's shambolic attempt at television in which Teddy, the 33 year old homosexual, very cleverly used his time to record a message to Silver declaring his love for her and apologising for being an arse. He is after all struggling to come to terms with the fact that he'll never be a professional tennis player. Tragic. I think he might have forgotten he's about 600 years old, but never mind. It was painful.

I also enjoyed Annie's assumption that the woman at the theatre must be a lesbian. Could she love herself any more? She has no reason too either, she's an annoyance to the entire human race. A pest to society if you will. I love that her next rational explanation was that they were swingers. Excellent. Although, in all fairness to her, if I hadn't been told what was going to happen with the whole 'I've hired you so I can buy your eggs' story line, I never would have guessed. Who comes up with these ideas?! They must have had a bug list of possibilities, yet the buying of a teenage girl's eggs was the best. I find that almost impossible to believe. Having said that, they allowed the use of the line "Earthquake is a euphemism for orgasm". They all should have been arrested for complying with it. It's worse than the whole EastEnders scandal if you ask me.

Slash, where is Naveed? I actually like Naveed. He needs to return to control that crazy girlfriend of his. Thieving bitch. I love that it's been found out already. Could she have been any more ingenuous during her interview with Entertainment Tonight? I don't think so. "I really miss Javier," she says, beaming from ear to ear. Of course you don't miss him! His death allowed you to forge a terrible music career and be a YouTube sensation! Who do you think you are, Justin Drew Bieber?! Never.

If one of my teachers invited me round to their house to watch a film they had made, I don't think you could ever have paid me enough to even contemplate it. Silver deserves all the bad things that happen to her because she brings them all on herself with those stupid clothes and even worse decisions. Idiot. Never will I forget the time she filmed her and Dixon having sex in a cupboard and screening it to the world. I'm sorry, I shouldn't insult the mentally ill, she is bipolar remember, although come to think of it, she might have been magically cured by the doctors that work with the magic police that let Annie off with murder. I also love that she decided Naomi was telling the truth just because. "Naomi, I believe you! I know you are telling the truth! Naomi?! Wake up!" Oh wait, she's overdosed on sleeping pills she got given by a girl with a recent nose job in the school bathrooms. I feel like the people who make 90210 have been secretly filming my life and are now just recreating my past events. I've never related to anything more. So realistic. Surely I'm due some sort of credit as the inspiration/muse. I'm going with muse, sounds more artistic.

Anyhow, I'm still intrigued by Liam's brother, if we ever find out what's going on there. I'd also be interested to find out what Naveed appears to find more interesting than turning up to film as he's been in about 3 scenes since the series began. Having said that, I really don't care.

Oh, Ivy wore genuine dungarees. I think that says it all.

Glee

I genuinely despair at this show, yet it is so painfully addictive that I can't not watch.

Britney episode = genius. Realistically though, that was only because of Britney herself, Brittany and Santana. I hate Mr Schu. I mean, I actually want to throw him to the ground and press my knee into his throat until he suffocates. There is not one thing attractive about that man. Not one measly thing. He thinks he's Justin Timberlake. News flash, you're about 47 years old and JT has ruled pop since the age of about 6. Plus, forgetting the tragic incident in which he was forced to regress into his 15-year-old self for a part in "Best Picture", The Social Network, even JT has realised that hair like that is doing no one any favours. I HATE YOU! I hope his music career dies on its arse. Which it will.

Oh, and Lea Michele... After witnessing the genius that was Brittany nailing 'I'm a Slave 4 U' and making me vow to run for 5 hours a day whilst doing stomach crunches, then watching her nail it again with Santana, 'Baby, One More Time' was just embarrassing. OK, so I enjoyed the Britney miming, clever, but seriously, she needs to learn not to take herself so seriously. You're in Glee, not Schindler's List! (Apologies, but it was the most serious film I could think of off the top of my head). She and Finn make me so angry. How did he get cast. He's genuinely a different form of human compared to everyone else. I'm sure he's probably 6'2" or something, but he looks about 67 foot tall and about 6 foot wide. AND HE CAN'T DANCE! Please stop making the poor boy dance. Slash, he's about 35 as well. Rachel and Finn need some kind of serious character overhaul, because not only are they painful when they're on their own, but together they actually make me want to go outside and hurt children in the street. Just find something small and kick it until it cries. Hideous.

Apart from Brittany and her amazing abs, and Santana being amazing in general and the genius scripting that came out of both their mouths, there is one other thing that rescued this episode...

Two words: John Stamos. I love him. I genuinely adore that man, and what's even better about him is that when he's not casually saving lives of the people of Chicago, or helping to parent the Olsen twins, he's making Will Schuester look like even more of a dick than he usually does. He's so fabulous with his tan and his crisp shirts and that hair. Oh, John Stamos. What an icon.

I would just like to apologise for the poor quality of this post, I am currently watching Tool Academy, quite possibly the most excellent show ever, and getting distracted. My brain is torn between images of John Stamos and the tool that's just announced that he has kids with another woman despite swearing that he didn't to his girlfriend. Brilliant. John Stamos is winning amazingly enough. But I vowed I wouldn't watch this genius tonight due to the ridiculous lack of sleep from last night's poor attempt at an award's ceremony (that's right Golden Globes, I'm still enraged) but it's so humorous.

SLASH! It would appear next week's episode of Glee is about Jesus. Excellent.

Anyhow, I am now eagerly awaiting the torture that is 902106574836 tomorrow night. It's tragic that I've restrained myself from watching it all online so that I'd have something to look forward to during term time. Mr Schu and Annie 'I casually killed a man and no one cares' Wilson. Kill me now. Oh, wait. I've got John Stamos.

Golden Globes 2011

If the Academy thought they had it coming, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association have no idea what's about the hit them...


After numerous occasions on which I have sat myself down, filled with rage, to write a vicious letter of complaint to the Academy in regards to the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio is the greatest living actor of our generation and they need to wake up and recognise it before I fly first class to Los Angeles, smash the place up, and then make them pay my travel expenses, I have never been so close to actually completing one as I was last night.


Here is my issue: The Social Network. I was perfectly OK with the other winners. I guessed Christian Bale would win Best Supporting Actor, I was delighted for Colin Firth, who I adore, even though he's older than my dad and despite the fact that I would have loved Mark Wahlberg to win purely based on his sheer gorgeousness and a long lasting loyalty to my childhood obsession that involved a rather inappropriate Marky Mark lunchbox, because he deserved it! Colin deserved that award. The Social Network was not deserving.


I take that back. The only award they should have won was Best Screenplay, which Aaron Sorkin, hero that he is, did win. Great. I'm so pleased. He nailed his speech and everything. But let's be realistic. Best Director? Best Picture? Are they being serious? Or are they doing it specifically to piss me off? Because it's worked...


Best Director. Erm... I don't know. I've not seen Black Swan yet, but I can tell, even just from the trailer, that it is shot better, that the artistic direction is better. The Fighter, again, not seen it, but it looks edgy and rough and made in a way that supports the film's narrative. The King's Speech! It was an easy option! You could have just handed them the award at the beginning and people would have been pleased. INCEPTION!? HAVE YOU LOST ALL REASONING HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION?! I THINK YOU MUST HAVE! Dear God! Christopher Nolan is a genius anyway, but Inception!? It's lunacy. How anyone could say that the direction of The Social Network is even comparable to that of Inception makes me physically angry. I'm genuinely shaking with rage as I type ferociously. You owe me a new computer, idiots. Realistically, I could have directed that film. Shot of Jesse Eisenberg. Shot of Andrew Garfield. More shots of Andrew Garfield because he is adorable. Another shot of Jesse Eisenberg. Shot of Justin, lead singer of popular boyband 'N Sync. It's not rocket science. It's not like it was a visual masterpiece, or even innovative in any way. 'Oh, Justin. Justin stand here, Jesse, you stand opposite and we'll get a shot of you two talking. Just act natural. Crew, make sure the cameras are on. Aaaaannnnd... ACTION!' Nonsense.


AND BEST PICTURE?! Oh my God, I've never been so close to suicide. How, how, how and why? Honestly. They may as well have given the award to me for all it's worth. I seem to recall loving it, but specifically noting that it was not Oscar worthy/ award worthy and the majority of what I remember appears to either be about how attractive Andrew Garfield is or Justin Timberlake's hair. In fact, in a piece entitled, 'I Didn't Realise Justin Timberlake Had Rejoined 'N Sync' this is what I said:


'Slash, I'm not having all this 'Oscar buzz'. The performances were great, Eisenberg and Garfield were fantastic and played the emotion, or lack there of, involved brilliantly. But truthfully, the only Oscar deserved would be for Aaron Sorkin, who made something with little to no plot so cleverly and subtly hilarious.'


Case closed. I also happened to say: 


'I'm sure Sean Parker was that much of a dick, but I'm also pretty sure that Justin actually based his performance on his 15year-old self. Or at least his hair. I didn't know frosted tips were back! And the amount of make-up they put on his face, arghhh! Not cute. He was, unfortunately, the worst thing about the movie. You know what, maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his performance was just so accurate, I'm assuming he himself... No. I can't even finish that sentence. Listen, JT. FutureSex/LoveSounds came out about 12 years ago and I'm still waiting for the next album. Why don't you 'take a break' from 'acting' and lay down some beats?!'


Must I go on? I think not. I'm mainly enraged because Awards Season is my favourite time of year, and people are insistent upon ruining that. I stayed up until 4am watching it, knowing that I had to be up at 8am to see the worst film nominated in the category to win. The Fighter? The King's Speech? Black Swan? INCEPTION?! I can't even go on talking about it, it's far too distressing. I'm starting to think this is some sort of conspiracy against Leonardo DiCaprio and everything he's in. Bastards. Just, watch out Hollywood Foreign Press Association, you better believe I'm watching you...


If you would like to read what else I said about The Social Network, follow this link:
http://imissbrookside.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-didnt-realise-justin-timberlake-had.html


I would also, before I depart and try to calm myself down, like to take the time to acknowledge a few others that may have been forgotten:

• Christian Bale for being a genuine psycho, which I thoroughly enjoy. I so much admire his determination to finish that poor and boring speech even when they started the music and introduced the next presenters.
• Andrew Garfield tripping over his words when reading the autocue made me want to cry, it was so adorable. I felt so sorry for him. Bless... 
• However, when Justin Drew Bieber messed up his lines, I sat there thinking, 'God, that poor boy needs a better teacher.' Probably true. But he was fabulous of course, as Bieber always is, in his little (literally) three piece suit and messy hair. 
• Matt Damon for looking divine constantly, sat at the front table next to De Niro, hanging out, casually.
• Robert De Niro, for being slightly racist and not as funny as he thought he was but still excellent. I most enjoyed the fact that everyone felt obliged to laugh, as though he was going to set his mob on them.
• Last but not least, Robert Downey Jr, my hero, my icon, Iron Man. So fantastically inappropriate, yet still painfully attractive and hilarious. No other man on earth could get away with saying what he says and maintain his cool. Genius.

I've just remembered that Glee is tonight. Which reminds me that Lea Michele is an idiot, and her fake tears when Chris Colfer won Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series were noted and will be used against her at numerous points throughout her life and also mine.

The King's Speech

Although I am disturbed by the fact he is older than my dad, I don't think I could love Colin Firth any more. He's brilliant in all sense of the word. So perfectly English and proper, yet so boyish and cheeky and charming and I love him. Excuse me whilst I gush embarrassingly in cliché whilst acting as though I am some sort of reviewing authority.

The King's Speech is excellent. Quite possibly his finest role to date, and I thought A Single Man would be his defining film. I don't know what it is, or why it is happening, but it seems as though the world is just realising how good an actor he is. No longer is he the blithering idiot or the dreamy heart-throb (although I'm never going to turn down an opportunity to see him emerge from a lake). Did I mention I love him?

I think I must have cried all the way through the film. Genuine tears. It was so unsettlingly uplifting I felt that it was all I could do. But here's the thing: he had no friends. I cannot CANNOT physically deal with the thought of people having no friends, it actually breaks my heart. And as if that wasn't enough with his adorable lisp and heartbreaking stammer he goes on to tell of how his nanny didn't feed him because she loved his brother more than him. I genuinely don't understand how I appeared to be the only one sobbing uncontrollably at that concept. I felt destroyed, inconsolable; how could anyone in their right mind do that to Colin Firth?! Yet I left feeling overwhelmingly proud of a King I never even knew existed. (Don't ask me where I thought the Queen appeared from as I would not be able to give you an answer that would avoid me looking like a total moron and then squirming on the floor in shame as people threw dirt on me). I guess that this was the intention of the film though.

Slash, I did become slightly confused as to why Dumbledore was there, but then again, he has always remained a mysterious fellow. Perhaps he was indeed the grandfather of the Queen. Oh my God, Prince Harry is actually Harry Potter! Please excuse me whilst I ring every publication in the land; they're going to want to hear about this...

In all seriousness though, it was amazing. So funny, so tragic, Guy Pearce played the perfect arse as per usual. Colin Firth will most definitely be nominated for another Oscar, and if he's not, you better believe the letter of complaint I'm already writing about Leonardo DiCaprio's snubs is going to get a lot more heated. I would so love him to win! I feel like all of a sudden I've become prim and proper just by spending an hour and a half listening to perfect Queen's English. I shall begin to use words such as 'shan't' and 'alas' in the correct context rather than to express my woes as to the X Factor result. Geoffrey Rush as well. So funny. Another definite Oscar contender. I'm almost positive he'll win. I'm actually struggling to put into words the impact of it as a whole. It's hardly the type of film to mess with your mind and then help you find redemption through the main character or leave you suicidal in confusion. It's a nice film. But I feel it's more than that.

What I loved most about it was that it stripped all pompous and mystique away from the Royal family whilst highlighting their importance in times of despair. As pathetic and cliché as it sounds, it genuinely took you on a journey and left you feeling, well, left me feeling, really proud to be British. I cried because it was happy, I cried because it was sad. I cried because it was about friendship and trust and I cried because Colin Firth is so damn brilliant that he can convey all his emotion just through his eyes! And you don't even realise it! You actually find yourself looking into them as if asking him how to feel. And he's always right.

I don't want to be completely biased because I think technically Geoffrey Rush was better. It wasn't a film about King George, it was about both of them and I now feel as though I could trust Geoffrey (were now on a first name basis) with my life. I want a speech impediment just so he can help me. Helena Bonham Carter was disappointingly forgettable, but I feel like she was meant to be. She was more there there to nudge the story along rather than take centre stage and it made it feel all the more real. The last thing the film needed was to suddenly become a biopic of his whole life. I would have stormed off in anger. It was just right.

I was told I would love it, and I did. And not just because I fancy Colin Firth, even though he's older than my dad.

Whilst I'm here...

Can we please discuss 90210?

I genuinely couldn't think it could get any worse, but I am now developing some sort of addiction I'm currently attributing to the fact that there is no One Tree Hill on at the moment and they have slipped some subliminal messaging into their title sequence.

This week was painfully uninteresting. I genuinely don't think anything happened. Except of course for Silver throwing a fit over the fact that Teddy had a drink and convincing herself he's an alcoholic. But I'm personally putting this down to the fact that she's bipolar. I think we all remember when she lost her mind, filmed her and Dixon having sex in a store room and then screened it as a film and then was diagnosed as bipolar instead of being locked in an asylum where she belongs. I'm disliking how she is almost central to all story lines at the moment. Why does she have to be involved in everything? And she seems to have stolen an old lady's wardrobe and wig. Not a great look for someone who is trying to play 17.

Last week however was excellent. Of course we had the earthquake. Classic. The introduction of Oscar, the world's worst fake English person ever. We had Annie casually strolling into school after being on house arrest after killing a man in a hit and run accident and lying about it for a year, and Adrianna stealing the personal belongings of the dead. Nice.

Oscar is going to be an issue for me. I could have dealt with the awful accent, although it causes me great offence. However, his scripting has resulted in physical symptoms. I must be allergic, it's definitely the beginnings of anaphylactic shock. I think we all know the scene I'm talking about. Ivy's casual afternoon sex dream in which she is kissing Oscar on her bed and he ever so romantically whispers, sorry, stage whispers, 'I'm so happy to have shared my first earthquake with you. Earthquake being a euphemism for orgasm.' WHAT?! WHAT?! Words fail me. I can't even think about that scene without throwing my limbs around in sheer disgust. There are so many issues with that line I don't even know where to begin. 1) How, in anyone's mind, is that sexy? 2) What kind of deranged human being would ever say that? 3) Who was allowed to write that into the script?

I think point 3 is the most interesting of all. Let's investigate shall we... Jennie Snyder. I would have bet a gazillion of our great English pounds that it would have been a man. But alas. What's worse is that she wrote Gilmore Girls. She has forever ruined that show for me. You bitch, Jennie Snyder. I can't even think about it any more, I'll genuinely be forced to throw myself out my window. It's literally traumatising. She actually wrote that, gave it to the producers, they read it, and genuinely went, 'Wow, that's genius. Gold, right there! We're definitely going to win an Emmy this year! Jennie, you're so talented.'

I am much looking forward to finding out about Liam and his brother. I hope they realise they are not the same colour, otherwise that is the worst casting I have ever seen. I'm sure this will be explained, along with why Liam hates him. I'm pretty sure they'd run out of ideas for Liam short of taking his shirt off, and at the last minute grabbed a poor unwitting man off the street and thrust him into one of the most arguably pointless story lines of all time. Having said that, I don't know what happens. I'm just assuming it's boring, like the rest of the show. At least Liam is vaguely entertaining, his entertainment coming in the form of his face, but it physically repels me to see him with Annie. I can't stand her stupid whiny idiotic nonsense. She should be in jail for God's sake! She is a murderer! Why does no one remember that!?

Give me Hayley 'I'm so famous' Scott any day of the week.